He broke up with me to find his happiness?

[WithLove]

He tried to let you down easily and with the least amount of hurt he could, but unfortunately for you, you just couldn't accept it and that's why he blew up.

 

It's going to be hard. You'll feel lost for some time. But one day you'll wake up and your first thought will not be of him. Then, several days will pass and you'll realize that you've hardly thought of him at all in that period.

 

Take time to be good to yourself. Take lots of hot bubble baths. Go out with your single (or coupled but supportive) girlfriends and look forward to the day when you've moved on. It'll happen. It's just getting there that's hard.

[Mg99]

Hi,

 

So in these three weeks before the break up when he would say we needed to end it but then say he wanted to stay together he really wanted to end it? He kept changing his mind. On a Sunday we decided to take time to fix it, by the Tuesday he exploded and wanted a break, but didn't give me a timeline, and it all went downhill from there. He broke up with me later that week.

How was I supposed to just act like everything was ok? He said me needing constant reassurance was unbearable and he couldn't tell me things were ok because they weren't. He didn't even take the time to try and fix it or make any improvements on his end. I felt like I was trying to save the entire relationship myself and convince him to stay. He was so back and forth and it was excruciating. I am now 6,000 miles away from him, and I feel so alone. He is obviously going out and having fun and doesn't care. Meanwhile I have to get therapy and feel so numb.

[Mg99]

It's been six weeks since the break up and the more time goes by the more pain I feel? I am so tired of feeling like this.

[WithLove]

He didn't want to have a long distance relationship. He tried to break it off before, but maybe felt guilty and came back under the pretense of trying to fix it. In any case, be good to yourself. In time, you'll feel better.

[Mg99]

I'm just home for the summer in America. When I'm at school he was only like 45 mins away, so it really wasn't that long distance. I wish he would have broken up with me cleanly, instead of feeling guilty and trying to keep it going. Why didn't he just end it? He said he had been unhappy for a month but didn't want to tell me because it would upset me. He never let me in on his feelings. I am just really frustrated that I spent so much time with someone and fell in love with someone who only hurt me in the end.

[K2010]

Hi Mg99,

 

I'm currently in a very similar situation to you so I know your pain. The back and forth of it all leaves your head a mess! I completely understand how hurt and confused you feel.

 

Re-living every conversation in your head at the end of the day, is only hurting you and you don't deserve to feel that way. No one does.

 

We all go through a phase or two in life where we need to make a big transition and he is currently in that phase. I went though it myself in a previous relationship so in some respects I do understand where your ex (and my current ex) is coming from.

And yes it's horribly painful to be the person left behind especially when there's still a lot of love between you but beneath all the hurt and sleepless nights my inner independent woman knows I'm going to be ok. And you will be ok too.

 

I always try to give myself the advice I would give if it were my best friend in the situation and in this case, as hard as it is some days, the best thing you can do is focus on you.

 

Something I've been doing, that you might find helpful, is listening to a lot of self-help podcasts. Especially at night. Not only does it help me get to sleep, but it distracts my mind away from the negative chatter.

 

Anything you can read, watch or listen to that will make you feel empowered will make every day a little easier.

[Wiseman2]

Believe it or not, most often it's a misguided attempt to let you down easy. Often they don't want to look like the bad guy or deal with a scene or crying or pleading. Other times they don't want to burn bridges so they can slide back in during a dry spell.

 

Despite the reason, whether decent intentions or not, the confusing result of limbo is the same. In many ways this is worse because it just leaves things too open for misinterpretation. All in all, the "I care so much, but I can't be with you" excuse is selfish to make it easier on them.

He said he had been unhappy for a month but didn't want to tell me because it would upset me.

[Mg99]

 

Despite the reason, whether decent intentions or not, the confusing result of limbo is the same. In many ways this is worse because it just leaves things too open for misinterpretation.

 

Hi guys,

Thanks again for all the support! I am sorry you are going thru something similar, K2010. I appreciate your advice, I think he is definitely experiencing a lot of changes now and wanted a change/ his independence in this time. Everyone deals with emotional turmoil and stress differently, his was to take it out on me and then break up with me. I agree Wiseman2, regardless of his reasons for the breakup or whether he meant what he said, at the end of the day he decided he does not want a relationship with me now. And I have to respect that. I am finally starting to feel able to do this. There were many things he said and did that did not make me feel great, and I felt so insecure with the relationship by the end it was miserable. Why did I try so hard to convince someone to stay with me when it wasn't what they said they needed for their own health and happiness? In the end, he did me a favor ending it. The more he pulled away the more attached and scared I felt. I have finally realized I did nothing to make him act or feel like this, if he only would have explained he was feeling depressed and having issues in his life I would have tried my hardest to help him. But I can't decide how he deals with his issues, and it was true his behavior was affecting me. I too have lashed out on those I most cared about when I was most depressed, was very mean and pushed people away. It is a very emotionally immature way of dealing with things. I do not want to be with or try to get back together with someone who pushes me away in times of need, and closes off emotionally and physically. His unhappiness is not my fault, not was it ever my job to make him happy. Of course I miss him, but now it's about realizing my own worth and never letting one person control my emotions like this.

[Wiseman2]

I agree with this. Even though this adjustment is hard at first, it's better than feeling like an outsider in your own relationship...or being in some nowhere zone.

In the end, he did me a favor ending it.