I don't know if I can handle my poly friend.

[Rat]

I don't know if I can handle this anymore. My best friend of 7 years, who is engaged to her partner of almost that same length, has come out as polyamorous recently. I am totally supportive and I have no qualms, but there seems to be a double standard where our friendship is concerned. MY relationship with my boyfriend of 3 years ended about six months ago, and I started dating someone else pretty immediately, who I'm still with, who is very kind and sweet to me. When this happened, my best friend needed time and space to adjust to this new change, and couldn't be around us for a bit. I was upset, but sort of understood. I invited her to dinner with us once, and she said no because it would make her uncomfortable. I was sad, but I understood.

 

Fast forward a month or so later, a group of us are hanging out, and she brings home this guy she went on a date with, with no warning, expecting everyone to be totally cool with it, while her fiance is in the same room. It made some uncomfortable. What upsets me here is that she did not think to call ahead and make sure it was alright to bring this person around. She did not think about the discomfort it might cause.

 

With some selfish spite and annoyance, I got through that and did speak to her about how I felt there was a double standard. She's now seeing a few different people. The event that drove me to make this account, and post, is that she told me yesterday she has been fooling around with one of our closest friends, and someone I was in a relationship with for almost three years when I was a little younger. It disgusts me. It hurts me. It makes me feel really sick. It feels incestuous. They live in the same house with a few other friends, no one else knows. I expressed that I felt this would cause a weird damper on our friend group, but she doesn't seem to think so. I told her I will need to take some time away from the entire situation to work it out in my head and get to a place where I won't be effected by it anymore. Where do you draw the line? How many people do you need to be fooling around with and seeing? I'm just completely shocked and flabbergasted, and I want some non-biased insight and advice on how to handle it. Thank you.

[DoF]

I have very little tolerance for inconsiderate and selfish people like your friend.

 

I also cannot be friends with people that live a single lifestyle or have toxic relationship. Sounds like she fits borderline both of those. I would disengage. Friends come and go....no biggie.

 

But that's just me. You need to figure out what your boundaries are and apply them to your own life.

[superfan]

You say you are supportive of her lifestyle and have "no qualms" but you clearly do. You need to acknowledge that fact.

 

I'm not really sure why she would have a problem with you seeing someone new, but that isn't really relevant. She told you she was poly, you said you were OK with it, so it makes sense that she would introduce you to the other men she is seeing. I get having an issue with her seeing someone that you used to date but that has nothing to do with her being poly.

 

You ask "where do you draw the line" when it comes tot he amount of men she is seeing, but the thing is that it isn't up to you to say where that line is. One other man or a hundred others, that's her call. As long as everyone is aware and consenting, it's really none of your business. If you can't accept that, I suggest you step back from the friendship but be honest as to why.

 

Personally I have several friends who are poly. It's none of my business how many people they date. I accept that they have a different lifestyle from me and if it works for them, who am I to judge?

 

If you can't do that, you need to walk away.

[Clio]

The event that drove me to make this account, and post, is that she told me yesterday she has been fooling around with one of our closest friends, and someone I was in a relationship with for almost three years when I was a little younger. It disgusts me. It hurts me. It makes me feel really sick. It feels incestuous.

 

I think that you need to accept that she has changed too much, to the point that you have become incompatible as best friends. Your values and lifestyles do not fit anymore. I also find her getting with a long term ex of yours (without even giving you a heads up from the sound of it) totally inconsiderate of your feelings but there are people who would not mind I guess. In my book, there are certain exes that a "best friend" should know better than to ever fool around with if they value that friendship. It sounds like this ex of yours fits to that category. Based on what you wrote, you have very different values when it comes to what friendship means. I think that you need to pay attention to your feelings and walk away.

[DoF]

I think that you need to accept that she has changed too much, to the point that you have become incompatible as friends. Your values and lifestyles do not fit anymore. I also find her getting with a long term ex of yours (without even giving you a heads up from the sound of it) totally inconsiderate of your feelings but there are people who would not mind I guess. Based on what you wrote, you have very different values when it comes to what friendship means. I think that you need to pay attention to your feelings and walk away.

 

A good friend will never even CONSIDER dating "friend's ex". The thought wouldn't even come onto their radar.

 

Thus, no need to even "ask".

 

Since she didn't even bother talking/asking you....it speaks volumes about "what kind of a friend she really is".

 

READ: she is FAR FAR FAR from a friend.

[Wiseman2]

She doesn't need your permission to date in whatever manner she wants and you don't need hers.

she told me yesterday she has been fooling around with one of our closest friends, and someone I was in a relationship

[Clio]

A good friend will never even CONSIDER dating "friend's ex". The thought wouldn't even come onto their radar.

 

Thus, no need to even "ask".

 

 

I agree with this. Personally, I would never fool around with a best friends ex. It would feel incestuous to me too. However, I recognize that other people have different standards/boundaries. Plus, there are people who may have like 20 exes and not all of them hold the same emotional value to them. In that case, I consider asking/getting an OK first as a reasonable solution among "best friends".

[superfan]

A good friend will never even CONSIDER dating "friend's ex". The thought wouldn't even come onto their radar.

 

Thus, no need to even "ask".

 

Since she didn't even bother talking/asking you....it speaks volumes about "what kind of a friend she really is".

 

READ: she is FAR FAR FAR from a friend.

 

I dated my best friend's ex, and she dated mine. We both made sure the other was OK with it. Not everybody has the same boundaries.

[DoF]

I agree with this. It would feel incestuous to me too. However, I recognize that different people have different standards. Plus, there are people who may have like 20 exes and not all of them hold the same emotional value to them. In that case, I consider asking a reasonable solution.

 

Correct

 

personally, I don't think it's even standards. It's simple ethics and morals. ANYONE that is even dating my friend is off limits, forever. I can't even comprehend a thought crossing my mind, I would have to question myself if it did.

 

It's one of those unwritten codes of conduct.

 

PS. Most people don't give a crap and cross these line all the time. But, most people are also inconsiderate, selfish and arrogant.

 

Those are not and never will be my friends.

 

 

[DoF]

I dated my best friend's ex, and she dated mine. We both made sure the other was OK with it. Not everybody has the same boundaries.

 

Making sure it's ok? As if, if it wasn't you would stop dating them? As if, your "friend" won't be friendly and simply be nice to not cause a conflict?

 

That is just bizarre and weird, I'm sorry. Just the fact that you are around your ex shoudl be weird enough....but for your "friend" to be with them too.

 

Maybe it's just me but that's just awkward all around.

[Rat]

I appreciate the bluntness of your response, so much. I totally agree with you, and i am struggling so hard to understand that this is not about me, and it is not my business, and if I really can't handle it, I need to distance myself. Like I said, I think if I give myself isolated time to process it, in which I won't say hurtful, regretful things to my friends, I will be alright with everything. It is such a struggle for me, because I want to be totally accepting of everything she does, because she is so important to me. I think the best thing I can do, is separate my mind from the situation and just roll with everything.

 

Edit: Sorry, I'm so new to this. I'm responding to the second response on this thread:

 

"You say you are supportive of her lifestyle and have "no qualms" but you clearly do. You need to acknowledge that fact.

 

I'm not really sure why she would have a problem with you seeing someone new, but that isn't really relevant. She told you she was poly, you said you were OK with it, so it makes sense that she would introduce you to the other men she is seeing. I get having an issue with her seeing someone that you used to date but that has nothing to do with her being poly.

 

You ask "where do you draw the line" when it comes tot he amount of men she is seeing, but the thing is that it isn't up to you to say where that line is. One other man or a hundred others, that's her call. As long as everyone is aware and consenting, it's really none of your business. If you can't accept that, I suggest you step back from the friendship but be honest as to why.

 

Personally I have several friends who are poly. It's none of my business how many people they date. I accept that they have a different lifestyle from me and if it works for them, who am I to judge?

 

If you can't do that, you need to walk away."

[Rat]

I so appreciate all of you, and all of your advice/opinions. I think what I need to do is continue to love and accept these people, because they are both extremely close to me and important to me. I am not okay with what is happening, but I need to put that on the back burner and just be a good friend to both of them. They've both been in, and impacted my life so much that writing them off would be unacceptable.

 

The only reason I brought up the bit about double standards just gives evidence as to why this might be bothering me as much as it is.

[DoF]

I so appreciate all of you, and all of your advice/opinions. I think what I need to do is continue to love and accept these people, because they are both extremely close to me and important to me. I am not okay with what is happening, but I need to put that on the back burner and just be a good friend to both of them. They've both been in, and impacted my life so much that writing them off would be unacceptable.

 

The only reason I brought up the bit about double standards just gives evidence as to why this might be bothering me as much as it is.

 

I think you are making a big mistake. And you are also making decisions with emotion, not reason. YOU matter the most.

 

Never EVER put yourself on a back burner. Never EVER ignore your own concerns.

 

Your "friend" didn't put THEMSELVES on the back burner or "ignored their own concerns" when they started getting involved with your Ex........didn't they.

 

Learn to accept and recognize things that go on around you, often our feelings/emotions steer us blind and make us ignore it all.

 

Good friend will NEVER consider dating "their friends ex". Sorry. It won't even register on their radar.

 

Also, clearly you need to expand your circle of friends and find better ones. These "friends" will have an effect on your relationship in time, mark my words.

 

Remember this "we become who we are around". NO ONE is exempt from this.

 

I also have a feeling your "friend" is too busy chasing sex to have time for your friendship......it's pretty clear from your post it's already happening.

 

Friends come and go. We grow apart, it's how it is.

[Rat]

I think you are making a big mistake. And you are also making decisions with emotion, not reason. YOU matter the most.

 

Never EVER put yourself on a back burner. Never EVER ignore your own concerns.

 

Your "friend" didn't put THEMSELVES on the back burner or "ignored their own concerns" when they started getting involved with your Ex........didn't they.

 

Learn to accept and recognize things that go on around you, often our feelings/emotions steer us blind and make us ignore it all.

 

Good friend will NEVER consider dating "their friends ex". Sorry. It won't even register on their radar.

 

Also, clearly you need to expand your circle of friends and find better ones. These "friends" will have an effect on your relationship in time, mark my words.

 

Remember this "we become who we are around". NO ONE is exempt from this.

 

I also have a feeling your "friend" is too busy chasing sex to have time for your friendship......it's pretty clear from your post it's already happening.

 

Friends come and go. We grow apart, it's how it is.

 

 

I definitely see what you're saying - And you're so right about not having time for this friendship, at least that is how I feel, and I'm sure that is fueling the fire of why this has me upset in the first place. I will certainly consider everything you said and think more about everything. It is scary to leave friendships, especially long time ones, but maybe I would be better off, like you're saying. There's a lot to consider. I have more I could add but it's all the same. Thank you for your honesty and bluntness!

[Clio]

I am not okay with what is happening, but I need to put that on the back burner and just be a good friend to both of them. They've both been in, and impacted my life so much that writing them off would be unacceptable.

 

So, you are willing to put them and their feelings ahead of your own. Your "best friend" sure doesn't seem to feel or act the same way about you...just saying. The polyamory and getting with your ex are two SEPARATE issues imo. I agree that the polyamory thing is none of your business at the end of the day. However, getting with your ex without giving you a heads up is an entirely different issue...Most people would not do that to a "best friend" imo.

 

Only YOU know what is really right for you though. We all have different personal boundaries. And you probably need more time to let it all sink in. As with most things in life, time will tell.

[DoF]

I definitely see what you're saying - And you're so right about not having time for this friendship, at least that is how I feel, and I'm sure that is fueling the fire of why this has me upset in the first place. I will certainly consider everything you said and think more about everything. It is scary to leave friendships, especially long time ones, but maybe I would be better off, like you're saying. There's a lot to consider. I have more I could add but it's all the same. Thank you for your honesty and bluntness!

 

It's important that you recognize the CORE of the issue, and seems like you just did.

 

Whatever you do is irrelevant. BY DEFAULT, as he spends time away from you.....your friendship will end. Nothing has to be said or stated.

 

Think of it as a great new beginning, not a great big ending. There is TONS of fish in the sea and plenty of friends to be discovered/to be had.

 

I also think as YOUR relationship will develop, you will have very little time AND desire for friendships anyways. Relationships are HARD work that require LOT of time. You add family, house, career and you now see how many people end up happy without friends.

 

Matter a fact, I put very little to NO emphasis on friends. If you were to meet me, you would think I'm popular and all of that jazz. When in reality, the only true/real friend I have is my wife.

 

Others, they are my colleagues at work and people "I do things with". I don't mind doing activities with people and enjoy them deeply. But idea of hanging out and just "partying" or "being" without ANY activity is not very appealing to me at all (actually quite opposite). Especially if alcohol is involved or just idling etc.

 

You want to play ball, go hiking or do ? I'm down and we will have hell of a time.

 

Seems to be the norm from what I see with people around me.

[crowleysgirl]

I think you two simply aren't very good friends, at least not anymore. It was very weird of her to be bothered by you moving onto a new relationship. I simply can't wrap my mind about actually caring about that. It also seems that you really do struggle with living a poly lifestyle. However, I really don't think it's her being poly that you necessarily have an issue with. Just because she is dating multiple people doesn't mean she ought to be showing up to your friends group with completely random men without warning. I also don't think its wrong of her to be dating your ex, but I do see how it can be awkward if you're all still in the same friends group. There's nothing wrong with her being poly, but her choices seem to be encroaching on your friends group and making it awkward for everyone.

[DancingFool]

Keep in mind that others judge you by the company you keep. So if your friend's actions do not match your values, you need to find new friends. That's the beauty of friendships - you are fully free to choose as you wish. Make sure that you are making choices that actually work for you.

 

Also, don't try so hard to be so open minded that you lose all sense of self and your own personal values and morals get tossed aside. Nobody really likes or respects a person that will just go in whatever direction the wind is blowing that day. Have values, have boundaries and never ever be afraid to weed people out of your life that aren't working out for you anymore. It's like if you hang out with liars, you will get lied to, if you hang out with manipulators, you will get manipulated - choosing to hang out with certain types of people comes with consequences. So rather than trying to be an all understanding martyr, ask yourself if you really want the negative stuff in your life and if the answer is no, then just fade out and work on developing better friendships.

[lostandhurt]

Her lifestyle isn't in question here in my eyes. Her ability to be a good friend is. She sounds like a user that says and does whatever she wants with little regard for others feelings. Isn't that the definition of selfish?

 

She doesn't sound like a very good friend to you and I would begin moving her to the acquaintance group of your friends.

 

 

Put some distance between the two of you and let her go about her business.

 

Lost

[Sage1]

She doesn't need your permission to date in whatever manner she wants and you don't need hers.

 

Very true.

[superfan]

Making sure it's ok? As if, if it wasn't you would stop dating them? As if, your "friend" won't be friendly and simply be nice to not cause a conflict?

 

That is just bizarre and weird, I'm sorry. Just the fact that you are around your ex shoudl be weird enough....but for your "friend" to be with them too.

 

Maybe it's just me but that's just awkward all around.

 

I was perfectly fine with her dating my ex. We realized we made better friends than we did partners, so we amicably broke up. My friend was interested in him so I helped set them up. You might find it bizarre and weird, but thankfully humanity has all different kinds of people and not all of them think like you do. Likewise when I dated my friend's ex. They remained friends and she was happy he and I got together.

 

I am friends with all of my exes. No awkwardness at all. Our break ups did not involve drama or anything like that and we get along well with one another.

 

I feel for the OP in that she was clearly NOT OK with her friend dating her ex. In that specific circumstance, yes I would say something. If my husband and I broke up tomorrow I would not be OK with a friend dating him and I would say so. Different situations.

 

However the lifestyle issues she has with her friend are separate from the issue of her friend dating her ex.

[Rat]

I was perfectly fine with her dating my ex. We realized we made better friends than we did partners, so we amicably broke up. My friend was interested in him so I helped set them up. You might find it bizarre and weird, but thankfully humanity has all different kinds of people and not all of them think like you do. Likewise when I dated my friend's ex. They remained friends and she was happy he and I got together.

 

I am friends with all of my exes. No awkwardness at all. Our break ups did not involve drama or anything like that and we get along well with one another.

 

I feel for the OP in that she was clearly NOT OK with her friend dating her ex. In that specific circumstance, yes I would say something. If my husband and I broke up tomorrow I would not be OK with a friend dating him and I would say so. Different situations.

 

However the lifestyle issues she has with her friend are separate from the issue of her friend dating her ex.

 

I also usually remain friends with all of my exes. I think I've come to terms that the her being polyamorous doesn't have a lot to do with why I was upset in the first place.