Commitment phobia or character problem?

[89rosie]

dear all,

 

I've been in a relationship with a guy I considered to be "mr. right" for about a year and 7 month. Over all everything seems to work out and the love is mutual. We moved in together about a year ago, which was 6 month into the relationship, it was a challenge for us to get used to living with each others, since neither of us have been in a relationship that serious. I have had a fair share of broken relationships before meeting him, on the other hand he's never had anything other then friendships with women. I am his first serious relationship and he is 32! He has come across a slew of anxiety issues, first of all, not feeling like he's accomplished his potential career-wise but also having the tendency not to stand firm on his decisions. We go through waves of ups and downs, I know this is normal for all relationships, but when one of these waves hits he starts to question everything, not just the problem at hand, but even his future with me. Although, he has told me many times that he is the luckiest man to have me, but when push comes to shove he withdraws and gets quiet.

 

His family all adore me and even asked him what he's plans are for our future, to which he replied he's not sure. Recently everything was peaceful and we have been going on fun trips and movies and having a good time over all. But a small incident like having car problems etc. can trigger his anger and make him wonder if he wants to be in a relationship at all...it is exhausting for me! He recognizes it and wants to do the right thing but feels very confused. But this passed weekend he lost his wallet which made him an emotional wreck again, he started questioning our potential to be a happy couple? it just seems to happen because other everyday issues arise. He said he needs to man up and make a decision, however he's just been quiet. Not sure what to do in this scenario? it is disheartening to get to this point after all we've been through and worked out, after all the love and investment, we are both very good people, with the same principles, molars, goals in life etc.

[reinventmyself]

He isn't going to change. His low tolerance for frustration and anxiety are pretty hard wired.

Is this ok with you and do you want this for a life partner?

I imagine he has anxiety over making big decisions, such as getting married.

It all kinda adds up.

So it's now on you. Does this as you know it meet your needs? Are you waiting for him to change?

Has he had any counseling or any tools or meds to handle his anxiety?

[89rosie]

Thank you reinventmyself.

 

I have been putting up with it for a while, and I am just afraid that its going to reach a level where I will no longer have the same romantic feelings for him, so I am trying to find a solution before its too late. I do love all his other qualities and it seems to be worth while to try therapy. I brought up the idea of therapy to him at a certain point, to which he reluctantly agreed but it got brushed aside as we got busy. Now I think its a good time to remind him of it.

[Wiseman2]

He sounds rather wishy-washy about the relationship. Not even fine with living together, no less taking it any further. Just sorta coasting along. What are your goals with him and in general?

asked him what he's plans are for our future, to which he replied he's not sure. he started questioning our potential to be a happy couple?

[89rosie]

Hi wiseman2.

 

I think he could be a great partner and a great dad, since he is very good around children and has deeply caring instincts. I think he might have not realized yet what he wants, however the anxiety he has is not helping him, it distracts him instead. I was at some point convinced that we would move forward with the relationship, and he even brought up the potential of proposing to me at some point but I think that excitement wore off in him due to the everyday stress.

[Wiseman2]

If he wanted to go he would have already...reminding (nagging) won't help. Do you see you've already entered a pattern of trying to fix him so he'll shape up and be more of what you want? He is clearly indifferent about the relationship, regardless of anxiety. And are you asking yourself if you want to be holding the hand of someone neurotic through life?

I think its a good time to remind him of it.

[reinventmyself]

Thank you reinventmyself.

 

I have been putting up with it for a while, and I am just afraid that its going to reach a level where I will no longer have the same romantic feelings for him, so I am trying to find a solution before its too late. I do love all his other qualities and it seems to be worth while to try therapy. I brought up the idea of therapy to him at a certain point, to which he reluctantly agreed but it got brushed aside as we got busy. Now I think its a good time to remind him of it.

 

Just a word on therapy. It really only works if it's his desire to go and his desire to change.

It's similar to being an alcoholic. Being asked to stop drinking rarely works.

It's best if it originates from him.

But it wouldn't hurt to ask I suppose.

But basically, what you see is what you get.

 

( I have anxiety bytheway )

[Wiseman2]

Read this this sentence...does any of it indicate a definitive future?

he even brought up the potential of proposing to me at some point

[89rosie]

Thank you Wiseman

 

I understand it doesn't sound promising. I was contemplating moving out. I think that will make him run back and try to fix things because he did say that he would do anything to make things work. But I don't know if I should pull the plug before everything is tried.

[crowleysgirl]

Umm... this behavior is not ok. And please please PLEASE do not jump to wanting to have kids with him. He can't even handle losing his wallet or having a car issue, you think he can handle kids? Being a parent is not the same thing as being good with other peoples' kids. He needs some therapy before that can even be considered. It's one thing to get emotional about small stuff. That happens. But to then make it a huge deal and then questioning everything in his life because of it, including whether or not he wants to still be with you, over an issue that doesn't even have anything to do with you? What? No way I would be spending my time on someone who is that unsure about me, that even something as minor as losing something could set him off about everything. No.

[boltnrun]

What happens if you two get married and have kids, he can't find his keys, then decides he's not so sure about this whole marriage and kids thingy??

[Wiseman2]

But if the clock is ticking and you are looking for a future you could have that with anyone.

I think he could be a great partner and a great dad, since he is very good around children

[Zaphod]

Poor guy sounds like he has a slight anxiety issue, his nerves are frayed. He lacks perspective and is probably a bit depressed. He needs to gain some confidence from somewhere. Probably a journey that only he can embark on.

 

Whether you stick with him and support him through it or leave him due to the potential for it causing problems is up to you. Either way, I for one, would fully understand your decision.

[Elva]

A lot of what you say about your partner sounds so much like the man who just broke up with me. I'm not saying it's the same situation and obviously things could turn out very differently for you, but if you read any of my story you'll see in 6 years we've had 3 breaks or break ups, the most recent one soon after getting engaged. He also has the same kind of down attitude about his career (and really most things in his life right now) and also sometimes totally overreacts to small things. I've always stayed (even through the break ups) and played the support role, but I have experienced a similar exhaustion with my ex and it has not ended in a great outcome for me. A lot of the comments people made to you about your fellow are all things I've frequently thought or heard about mine, but thought I would be able to handle it all with patience and because otherwise, like your situation, we share so much in common and there is a deep love here.

 

I don't know whether it is commitmentphobia or a character flaw, but I think both of these men have a journey that they have to make without us if they are ever going to overcome these behaviours/attitudes. We can't make them change, but if he is making no effort to overcome these behaviours (like seeking therapy, etc), you might be headed towards my situation (which I do not recommend), or are just committing yourself to having to deal with the exhaustion forever.