Communication problems

[eimono]

Hello everyone,

 

I've got a problem that I can't seem to fix. I've been dating this great woman (long distance) for about two months now. We have a wonderful connection and talk on the phone every night for at least three hours. We have met in person twice, and have a great time together.

 

We both have a past and have been cheated on, etc. I noticed somewhat early on we still have those "thoughts" that something may be wrong when it really isn't. I expect this is normal and will pass over time. Time heals all, and we are both open and honest about things.

 

The problem comes that sometimes she will tell me something, I will hear it, but not believe it in my heart, and like five minutes later I ask her to repeat what she said. This makes her mad and she starts saying things like "why do I even bother to tell you things if you don't listen." I of course, try to tell her I'm sorry and didn't hear her, but that seems to make it worse. Then for the rest of the night she is "upset" but not that she would admit. Key point, I asked her something last night and she said "no I'm not upset" but her voice said otherwise. I asked her what was really wrong and she then said "well now I am since you think I lied to you."

 

I know that my own insecurity is causing me to do things, but not on purpose. I've talked to her and asked that she work with me when this happens. That sometimes I just need to hear her say it again, and that it will improve over time. I'm not sure if I'm doing it more then I realize or she just isn't able to see why I really do it.

 

I don't want to sound as if I'm making excuses for her, but she does have a lot of stress in her life right now. I try to understand and just let things go that she says because I know she really is just upset at other things in her life. But I can't control when she gets upset with me.

 

Is there anything I can do to help this? I'm trying really hard to believe what she says, but sometimes those voices in my head get me question things that I shouldn't.

 

Thanks for any help.

[Cool Lemonade]

Has she told you something to make you think she has lied (physical prove) about this, and she will lie about that?

[eimono]

No, not at all. I just have those dang voices from my past. I think she is very honest with me. It is just my mind is listening to the voices and not what she says. She could tell me she wanted to come see me, and five minutes later I would be thinking she may not so I'll ask again because I put that out of my mind so fast I forgot what she said... So I understand why she gets upset, I don't blame her. Just that I can't seem to get over this quickly enough and don't want it to continue to be a problem for us.

[Cool Lemonade]

"[...] I just have those dang voices from my past. I think she is very honest with me. It is just my mind is listening to the voices and not what she says.[...] I put [what she says...] out of my mind so fast I forgot what she said... [...]."quote]

 

My tip for you is to write down any statements that she says which reminds you of the times someone said that to you in your past and lied. Try not to jump a conclusion that she is not telling the truth, and CHALLENGE the validity of your perceptions, by physical evidences.

[Day_Walker]

well it seems like you need to build trust with this person and once you have done that your relationship will be better as a result.