Dire need of advice

[mmmccc]

Little background of my Ex and I,

While working together at the same place for a year or so, I started having a crush on her.

The problem was she has a boyfriend, but according to her friends that she fell out of love for him halfway into the relationship but stayed with him because they are long time best friends, and I was also in a relationship but fell out of love but stayed since she was also my best friend.

 

Me and the girl I have a crush on started hanging out because of friends and coworkers and during those times we became best friends.

After a few times hanging out in groups, I asked her to hang out, just the two of us. We had a great time, and that was also the day I held her hand. (couldn't kiss her because we were still in relationships). The very next day at work, she told me “Don’t ever talk to me.”

I was confused as to what happened. We had an amazing time the day before, so I asked her friends, they told me that she broke up with her boyfriend.

So I gave her what she wished for didn't contact her for a week or talk to her at work. During that week I broke up with my girlfriend at the time.

After not contacting her for a week, I slowly started talking to her again. I started bringing her food for her lunch break. Waiting for her to get off work, going to work early to hang out with her beforehand, etc etc. From there we were together for TWO years.

 

During the first year of the relationship everything was AMAZING. I continued to bring her food, I would pick her up from school, we would hang out everyday and do everything together basically.

Even though she made me jealous because she still talked to her ex (because they are best friends) but I proved to her that I wasn’t jealous anymore by inviting her ex to her birthday get together.

There are some things that I did that I wanted her to reciprocate back. But she didn’t, at times she doesn’t seem like shes having fun with me so I would get annoyed and be mad, I would tell her I am home from work or from other stuff, but at most times she wouldn’t, and I would get mad (because she lives in a bad city where crime rate is high so I worry about her, and she knows this). I would do a lot for her but she wouldn’t reciprocate it.

The second year of our relationship, is when I started school and graduated and found a job in my field and we were still together BUT everything was reversed. SHE was there for me every step of the way. but I wasn’t there for her.

I was jealous again but of a different guy, it was one of our coworkers that she hung out with a lot. But there is nothing going on between them because she told me. But the jealousy was still there. Because the guy would try something and she was just oblivious to it. I DON'T TRUST HIM but she took it as I don't trust her.

 

ONTO THE CURRENT SITUATION

This is when I realized, she wasn’t happy. So I broke up with her about three weeks ago. Telling her that “How can I make you happy if I cant make myself happy” and we should still be friends. She told me that she is 100% for breaking up.

Within the week of the breakup we hung out and talked like everything was normal, I realized that I have made a big mistake of breaking up with her. Because I realized that she tried the later year and I didn’t. If i did try while she did then everything would be good still.

 

So two weeks later after breakup, I asked her if we can hang out one day, rain or shine. I picked her up, waited for her change for 30minutes (I usually rush her because I am impatient but this day I didn't) Went to a mall where I got her a ring that she really wanted and took her to the place where we had out first kiss. I explained to her that I wanted to get back together, that a, a fool and that I have made a mistake.

But she told me that the day that I broke up with her was her CLOSURE.

That she doesn’t want to get back together.

We still hung out that night and she leaned her head against my shoulder while walking, then we just sat in my car and I asked again. Explained to her that I realize what I have done wrong and would like another chance.

While emotions were running and tears, I ended up giving her an ultimatum about how we can’t be friends because I still love her and care for her, and she said the same thing that she loves me and cares for me, but it hurts too much and she replied with “but you wanted to be friends.”

I took her home, she closed the gate behind her without saying anything to me so I called out her name and she came back and leaned in to pat me on my head. I told her that I love her and please think about it, then she said “I will” and I wished her goodnight.

The next day I apologized about the night before. She said that she is still thinking about it and that she is sorry and doesn't want to hurt me more. So I told her to take as much time as she needs. Her response to that was thank you and that she appreciates it

She talked to me the next day but after that it went quiet. So I went to talk to our best friend, she told me that ny ex said that "she is done, she doesn’t want to try again. That she doesn’t want to revisit it."

After talking to our best friend. I asked my ex to meet up to talk.

A few days ago. I told her everything I did wrong, jealousy, difference, no communication about problems, etc etc. and told her I realize what I’ve done wrong and that I have corrected them about me.

I asked her if she would let me have the chance to take what I have learned from my mistakes for a fulfilling relationship for her. And as expected I got the same answer her best friend told me the day before. That “I dont want to revisit it, its done.”

She told me that our difference wasn’t the problem, we were compatible even if we have completely different interests, and we proved up in the first year together because we were happy and done everything together that I am the best boyfriend that she had even with the fights, and that she is happy and that it is great that I have realized all the mistakes that I have done, but she said it wasn’t all me, it was herself as well.

OF COURSE I begged for one last chance. She kept saying “No.” because even if we get back together, it will be out of pity from her, and that it will not work because even though I am 100%, that she is not 100% for it and the relationship will not work again.

She explained that because she didn’t reciprocate everything that I’ve done for her, that I ended up holding a grudge for her and caused a lot of fights in the later year, and she did the same. Every time that we fought she would always think of breaking up with me.

She said again “I don’t want to revisit it”

I finally respected her decision and I agreed to be friends

After agreeing to be friends. We hung out right after for hours and hours just talking and talking about random things. Even after walking me out we still hung out for another good 30 minutes talking about more randomness.

 

I still want her back.

I still want to be with her.

I want to make things work with her.

We don't work in the same place anymore but we have mutual friends

 

During this time I am working on myself. Gaining my confidence back, working out, hanging out with friends, and meeting new people.

 

She's been initiating texting me every two days. I would reply with kind and cordial type of texts, but I wouldn't reply the second she sends something to me. I would wait a few minutes from 30minutes to 6 hours.

 

I was suppose to go to a party last night of our mutual friend. But I ended up not going because it would be the best.

She texted me at 2:30 in the morning telling me "Good thing you didn't go to XXXX's party, it was a disaster" I didn't reply to her till the next day (which is today)

 

PLEASE HELP. I know that our past relationship is DEAD, and I accept that. I can't turn back time to correct my mistakes

But I realize what I've done wrong and she knows I realize it.

Should I continue the no/limited contact with her? Or is it ok to be friends with her and move from there? Like build rapport and from there build everything from the ground up?

 

I am sorry for the long post. Even with the long post I know I must have left something out.

[Serenity585]

I would say you can't fully focus on making yourself better as a person if you're also focusing on someone else.

 

If that happens, you'll lose yourself in her. All the progress you've made and potential you have to become a better person will fly out the window and the past will no doubt repeat itself.

 

We cannot change the past, but we can learn from it. It's good that you're accepting that the first relationship is dead, finished. That's the way you should look at it. There are some, after a breakup, who think of the time they spent apart as a pause. Of course, every breakup is different. Maybe there was distance involved, work, etc. Those are good reasons for one to think their relationship was on pause or a "time out" so to speak. But anything else: dishonesty, unhappiness, resentment, self-destruction shouldn't be tossed aside so lightly.

 

My advice would be to have no contact for a while. Maybe a few weeks? See how you feel then. Clear your head, pick up a hobby, drive somewhere you've never been. Take a step outside yourself for a while and figure out if she is what you really want. Then, work toward her, but separate from her. A person can only grow alone. It sounds like you two have a lot of individual issues to work on before you can even think about being serious again.

 

You don't want to make the same mistakes as you did last night. Date yourself. Love yourself. And, if you feel like she is no longer what's best for you, tell her. Seriously. There are no such things as hints. Women do not get hints, just like men don't. You will have to tel her straight up how you do/don't feel about her when the time arises. But when you do, make sure you fully support your decision; no if's, and's, or but's about it.

[mmmccc]

So have I made a big mistake?

 

She talked to me about the party, and cause I didn't go, one of our mutual friend that did go, was asking for me.

 

After her telling me about the party. This was towards late at night like between 10-12am, She started snap chatting me pictures of herself while face swapping using my face and sending them to me. She said "I only actually just have pics of u to faceswap w/"

 

I screenshot a few of them. Then she says "Y you screenshot them (3 crying emoji)," Then i just said that "Your face looks funny" she replies with a selfie of her face being ugly. Then I replied with the same.

 

After that she sent a playful mad selfie but she was laying on her side so her cleavage was really prominant, and I took a screenshot of that as well. She replied with half of her face covered with a pillow and which also covers her cleavage and it said "Why did you screenshot?" and I replied with "cause your face looked funny" but I accidently sent the text and the selfie separately, so she replied with "FAIL!!!" with the pillow still covering her face. I replied with my face purposely making my chin become double chinned with the text "Massive fail like my massive double chin!" A few minutes later she sends me a "K nite" while giving me an innocent smile.

 

This is basically how we started talking before we got into a relationship.

I'm not sure if I am taking the right steps to win her back

I'm not sure if am just giving her what she wants and that she talked to me because she missed me.

 

This morning she sent me a rainbow emoji and I have wished her a good morning.

[ThatwasThen]

But she told me that the day that I broke up with her was her CLOSURE.

That she doesn’t want to get back together.

Yet she still found it okay to accept a ring you bought her? She sure knows that you're an over-compensator and took full advantage of that fact.

 

Anyway: She's clearly told you that she doesn't want to be tied down to you but she is selfish enough to keep you as a "friend" who is an over-compensator are take advantage of you and your generous nature.

 

You would be doing yourself a huge disservice to think that you can be Just Friends with this woman when you clearly want to be more then just friends. Cut it off clean so that you can get to the stage of indifference to her and then be able to find someone that actually wants to be more then your friend (your friend that takes advantage of your nature at that).

 

Zero contact will get you over her more quickly.

[mmmccc]

Yet she still found it okay to accept a ring you bought her? She sure knows that you're an over-compensator and took full advantage of that fact.

 

Anyway: She's clearly told you that she doesn't want to be tied down to you but she is selfish enough to keep you as a "friend" who is an over-compensator are take advantage of you and your generous nature.

 

You would be doing yourself a huge disservice to think that you can be Just Friends with this woman when you clearly want to be more then just friends. Cut it off clean so that you can get to the stage of indifference to her and then be able to find someone that actually wants to be more then your friend (your friend that takes advantage of your nature at that).

 

Zero contact will get you over her more quickly.

 

It was a small ring, nothing expensive, it was only $50.

 

She did notice that I am doing good, that I am working out, hanging out with friends and new friends and working hard.

 

I am 27 and she is 22, I know that she still needs to grow and mature. What I am hoping is that she will realize it.

I did no/minimal contact with her for a whole week. The whole time she tried to contact me. I only replied to be cordial and kind.

The only time we actually talked/conversate was last night.

 

I know I am being stubborn, I want to be with her, I will be patient and be her friend until she realizes it.

[ThatwasThen]

It was a small ring, nothing expensive, it was only $50.

Price has nothing to do with the fact that she inappropriately accepted something from you very well knowing that you were trying to win her over when she wanted nothing to do with being won over. That's a user, sir.

 

She did notice that I am doing good, that I am working out, hanging out with friends and new friends and working hard.

Well that's great that you're doing all those things but it shouldn't be such a big deal to you that she noticed. If you have an attitude that you are doing all those self-improvement things for you and to attract and keep a new suitor who actually wants to be your girlfriend, then you will fair much better in keeping your self-confidence and you'll be that much closer to having the ability to accept that you are better off WITHOUT her.

 

I am 27 and she is 22, I know that she still needs to grow and mature. What I am hoping is that she will realize it.

What I hope is that you realize that you can do better then the likes of her so that you don't stagnate yourself waiting around for her to grow up.

 

I did no/minimal contact with her for a whole week. The whole time she tried to contact me. I only replied to be cordial and kind.

The only time we actually talked/conversate was last night.

She thinks you're okay with taking the demoted position of "just friend" that's why she's contacting you still... she wants to keep your attention for the time being but that is far from wanting to keep you as a boyfriend.

 

I know I am being stubborn, I want to be with her, I will be patient and be her friend until she realizes it.

You allow her to use you. That's up to you but I'm at a loss as to why you would allow yourself to be demoted like that. I doubt you'd allow yourself to be demoted like that at work if there were thousands of jobs to be had so why would you do it for an immature woman who takes advantage of you?

 

Good luck.

[Wiseman2]

Why would you wan to be in the friend-zone?

T But she told me that the day that I broke up with her was her CLOSURE. That she doesn’t want to get back together. She kept saying “No.” because even if we get back together, it will be out of pity from her, and that it will not work because even though I am 100%, that she is not 100% for it and the relationship will not work again. is it ok to be friends with her and move from there?

[Serenity585]

I can't know if you've made a mistake, only you can. From your other responses I can see that you managed to not talk to her for "a whole week". I'll tell you one thing; not talking for someone for a whole week is nothing. That's not no contact. A month. Two. Maybe three. That's time. That's space. If you say she needs to grow, give her room to breathe. She may think she's fine, but she's not. None of us are. She does need to mature and grow. And so do you. Maybe you'll realize during this time and space period that she's not right for you.

 

Don't fall in love with someone's potential. Fall in love with the person.

 

If you're doing the same things you did to date the first time, doesn't that mean this relationship will end the same way too? People have to be different if the relationship failed the first time. Not different as personalities go but more mature, more secure, and more ready.

[mmmccc]

Why would you wan to be in the friend-zone?

 

It was what she wanted. I figured it is a way for me to keep in touch.

 

Don't fall in love with someone's potential. Fall in love with the person.

 

If you're doing the same things you did to date the first time, doesn't that mean this relationship will end the same way too? People have to be different if the relationship failed the first time. Not different as personalities go but more mature, more secure, and more ready.

 

 

That is the thing, I DID fall in love with her, she was a great girlfriend even though we had our problems. She is caring, and passionate about her career. She was there for me every step of the way while I was in school. She was my wall for when my grandmother passed away. We spent every second together and experienced new things together.

 

Last night it felt like we were talking like it was the first time. Before we became a couple. I was making fun of her, and in turn she was making fun of me as well.