Just observing

[Waraqqa]

Bits and pieces of those conversations at times surface up in my mind. I know what my mistakes were and accept responsibility: I was compulsive and reactive to his manipulative attempts and entitled attitude, I should’ve been kinder, forget the past, interact as if from tabula rasa, and calmly-clearly-politely-laconically said “It’s been a long time, I’ve moved on”. That’s all that was required. This is/was one of the things in life where less is more.

Instead, I made two mistakes: 1) compulsiveness/reactiveness/trying to “put him in his place”/win the argument somehow, and the related/resulting 2) giving him false hope (partly b/c of feeling bad/guilty about n.1, partly b/c of wanting more attention/missing smth, partly b/c of not wanting to be shut up, i.e. still trying to “win” the argument.

A third sub-mistake was telling him about meeting other people, which was an error mostly as it was smth mine and private and precious that was not to be shared, nor was it necessary or relevant.

Anyway, I accepted my responsibility for these internally, and I hope I have learnt from it.

 

Now the afterthoughts. There were things that touched me and warmed me up, and things that pushed me away and reinforced my knowledge of the fact that I should stay closed away from him.

(+) He seemed to have appreciated me in his past, having teared up a bit when I told him “no” at the café, and said that “it was an honour”.

(+) When I called him two days later, he picked up (both times), and the second time stayed on the phone patiently for the whole hour despite the unpleasant nature of the conversation. Even said “thank you for calling” at the end. Very unexpected.

(+) In the same convo, openly admitting that he still has feelings for me (even though they seem to be limited to the below the belt area). Yet enduring after all this time. (on the other hand, so were Zebra's since 2012).

(+) The following week exhibited some feelings and texted without any manipulative attempts, just openly saying how he feels and even again willing to be “guided” by what I’d be looking for.

 

(-) The first email conversation was quite bad with 1) ignoring my points, 2) twisting my arm by pushing obligation buttons so I’d agree to come back, 3) very entitled if not delusional attitude of putting words in my mouth and claiming that “I wanted it”, 4) last but not least, the crowning number of essentially shutting me up when he didn’t like the result.

(-) Next day or so, very presumptuously assuming that it’d be ok to come visit me at my flat for a day or two! Without having earned any such closeness at all.

(-) Further, when I took a day or two to respond, asked me to let him know quickly so he could “plan his time” – something which he had not earned at all given the very little respect he showed for my time throughout much of the past – demonstrating valuing and respecting his own time and convenience far more than mine.

(-) Using my openness against me to make himself feel better (“I anyway don’t want someone who gives mixed signals and runs around with other guys” comment).

(-) Reserving all of his most brutal honesty for the time when he felt there was nothing to lose, which contradicted his earlier signs of seemingly agreeing with me. “You are placing too much importance on the whole love thing, I want to be pragmatic. You are not my wife or my fiancée for me to put effort into treating you better”. Also, emphatically stating how impractical any attempts would be given time, distance etc. – which made me wonder, if things are so dismal, then why try to get me back in the first place, why contact me about it at all?

 

He just doesn’t know any better. He can cognitively/intellectually understand my points, but unable to relate to it naturally or with empathy. I’d have to guide it indeed, and that would be a hell of a job with an uncertain outcome; certainly insane.

His last texts indicated that he still wanted something/missed me, but at the same time, the quickness and ease with which he drops the subject when I say “no” gives an impression of this whole thing being something very light to him and not very important. Unless it’s an acquired response to cope with repeated (and sometimes harsh) rejections. Yet it could also indicate that it’s primarily a “targeted horniness” issue for him rather than being in love as such. Whatever “in love” means anyway. But not really “love”, that is not within his capacity in this situation. At any rate, I was demoted, and nothing is how it had started two years ago (at least on his verbal and conscious level). The demotion resulted from me breaking up last year and vividly explaining to him the kind of treatment I'd expect. But then again, that was the right thing for me to do; and in the early days, he wasn’t nearly as bad or entitled (partly b/c we were always at the office and lived near). Something there changed, perhaps the expectations and not having to strive for me in that capacity anymore. Perhaps the fact that I never turned around after 15-20 mins and left him waiting and wondering for a change.

 

I knew all of these things from before, or intuitively. Therefore, all those convos and playing around, while reinforced that knowledge and brought it to the conscious mind level, were actually unnecessary; and also damaging in the sense of 1) wasted time and energy, 2) diverging any slightest drop of my “romance-worthy” attention on someone like him, when instead I could’ve been nurturing feelings to other people, or be in total solitude.