Girlfriend dumped me but sincerely wants to be friends.. I want her back

[hrtbrokengirl]

My ex and I dated casually for one month, and were official for two months. Although it was a short-lived relationship, it was a happy one. She and I are both very busy people, but we were making things work...or so I thought.

One night she muttered those four terrible words: "we need to talk." She proceeded to tell me that she was overwhelmed with everything happening in her life (school, extracurricular activities, finding a job, our relationship, etc.). She said she wasn't happy and that she didn't feel like her feelings were progressing as quickly as mine were. I did my best to refrain from exhibiting any sort of clingy behavior because I have learned previously that clingy is never attractive. Anyway, I tried to compromise with her and asked if maybe a break would be sufficient. The "break" was not helpful, because we did not give each other adequate space.

She said she didn't know what happened, but she lost romantic feelings for me. She said I was a great person and that she wanted to be friends. We did the friends thing for awhile, but it was too hard for me to bear.

I tried one last, desperate attempt to win her affection back, which was met with rejection from her. She wasn't rude, and she let me down as easily as possible. The last thing I brought up with her was the fact that I didn't want us to end on bad terms. She said "I didn't think we were on bad terms," to which I replied "okay I was just making sure." She hasn't texted me since, and that was 12 days ago. With that, I have initiated NC. We broke up a little over a month ago.

 

I have cut ties with her on social media, but on Twitter and Instagram she still follows me. She likes my pictures and tweets- the past few pictures I've posted on Instagram, she's liked. However, she won't text me. I have purposefully tweeted things that were sort of inside jokes for us when we were together, which she has liked. I know social media is such a weak sign of people still caring for you, but to me, it means something (in my current heartbroken state).

 

It was an amicable breakup, and I miss her so much. I don't know if she's waiting to hear from me because she thinks she's hurt me or what. I initiated the contact post-breakup, so that's what makes me think she's waiting to hear from me.

 

Dumpers, what would you expect from the dumpee in my situation? Dumpees, would you reach out, or leave it alone?

Thanks guys!

 

Any and all advice is appreciated! Thank you for taking the time to read this.

[mrwigand]

Dumper or not, I would take your ex at her word that she thinks you're a great person and does want to be friends with you. That being said, don't be surprised if it takes a while for her to reach out, because even though she broke up with you that doesn't mean this isn't painful for your ex.

 

The other layer to consider is whether it's healthy for YOU if you or your ex reaches out. It seems to me that you're taking this hard, so in my experience it would be best for you to get some space. My advice - give yourself time and distance and try to actually get over your ex. After you've given yourself some time and you think you're in a better place, then reach out to your ex and see what happens!

[Cecilia724]

As a fellow dumpee, my advice is not to reach out. I know you want to, its so hard. I'm dealing with the same, I'm so tempted to reach out, but resist it. Maintain NC and focus on yourself. Reaching out will just open yourself up to more hurt. If she wants to get back together, she'll let you know. For now, focus on healing. Take care.

[Itsme2033]

I think she's been kinder to you than a lot of dumpers have been to some people. I think you respect her and care for her, and I think neither of you have engaged in any terrible behavior. Usually when someone loses feelings for you there is never a way to repair that.

 

I can just about promise you that she's not sitting around waiting for you to call. I think that you should not have any more contact with her going forward. If she should have a change of heart she will let you know. In the meantime, you should move forward with trying to get your life back into emotional balance.

 

I was curious though, when you said "The "break was not helpful, because we did not give each other adequate space." what did you really mean by that. Do you mean that you did not give her the space she asked for?

[hrtbrokengirl]

Itsme2033-

 

By not giving each other adequate space, I really meant that I failed to give her time to think over things and I didn't let her come to me. I let my emotions get the best of me, which led to pestering her. It wasn't a crazy amount of phone calls or texts, but I had initiated contact pretty much every day after she said she needed space. Now that I've had time to cool down and take a step back, I see that was not the best move.

[Ms Darcy]

It's over buddy. It was only a 2-month relationship and she's not feeling it. There's nothing you can do about her feelings other than to just stay no contact and move on.

[hrtbrokengirl]

Also.. We have yet to give each other our stuff back. I was going to break NC to ask for my things back, but I don't know if that's a good enough reason to contact her. I'd like my things back, but it's not absolutely pertinent that I get them back right now. Thoughts?

[faraday]

Also.. We have yet to give each other our stuff back. I was going to break NC to ask for my things back, but I don't know if that's a good enough reason to contact her. I'd like my things back, but it's not absolutely pertinent that I get them back right now. Thoughts?

 

Generally at the two month mark there shouldn't be anything of significant value that an ex has. I've walked away from clothing, make-up, books....generally when I cut contact with someone, I walk away from my stuff. If they left something of value with me, I'll bag it and put it in their mailbox...but most of the time...it's better to just take the small loss and move on.

 

What does she have of yours?

 

 

I also agree with Mrs Darcy- at this point...at the two month mark if she's not feeling it, it's over. It sucks. But it's time to stop tweeting things with hidden meaning directed towards her...it's probably time to take a break from social media and focus on moving on.

 

Go hang out with friends...take up a new hobby, join a sports team....it gets better.

[Cecilia724]

Also.. We have yet to give each other our stuff back. I was going to break NC to ask for my things back, but I don't know if that's a good enough reason to contact her. I'd like my things back, but it's not absolutely pertinent that I get them back right now. Thoughts?

I contacted my ex soon after the break to get my stuff back, because he blindsided me I wasnt prepared and couldn't grab it from his place. Took about a month to finally get it back and even then I took a loss because he said he would replace a DVD of mine he lost, but continually lied about ordering the replacement so I just gave up. I've been NC ever since so yeah, I think it's fine to ask about exchanging belongings, just do it asap so you can return to NC as quickly as possible.

[hrtbrokengirl]

I still have not contacted her regarding my things.. She has a jacket and a sweatshirt of mine. It's spring, so it's not that pertinent that I get them back this very minute. I haven't decided if it's my pride that's keeping me from texting her, or if it's fear. Either way I'm not too jazzed about the idea of texting her at all.

[TheRawTruth]

It can be hard. Years ago, when I split with a girl, my feelings were still very strong. We ended on good terms so I asked her if she could avoid one of the website we initially met on. (Sounds ridiculous now, but the site was so small and interactive, I'd see her every day if she posted.) She'd already found a new social site by then so she agreed. I was thankful, because it was unfair of me to ask, but she agreed because she knew it would help me.

 

Anyway, the point is, sometimes not seeing, or contacting an ex can work to your advantage if you're trying to heal. Often times, we see them (online OR in person) and the healing process takes like 30 steps back. That's not good. However, your dilemma about being friends, whether or not to text, the likes she gives your pictures and stuff, THAT can be easily decided based on what you want. I'll explain...

 

You said she hasn't texted you, which has you wondering. But the fact that she still likes your posts (AND the fact that she said she wanted to be friends) tells me there's no animosity on her part toward you. (She even SAID as much.) So you could EASILY text her about something small or silly one day, and see how she responds. (Not saying you HAVE to. Just saying you CAN, depending on what you hope to get out of it.)

 

Actually, wait. Before you do ANY of that, let me ask you Are you bothered by her NOT texting you? And if so, why? I can probably give better advice once I get a better idea on how YOU'RE feeling.

[hrtbrokengirl]

Well, honestly I texted her an hour ago to congratulate her on accomplishing something in her life that I know she's been working hard towards. I was scared and it was a rash decision, but she texted me back! She thanked me for the congratulations, wished me well, and told me to look up a song (which I did...the lyrics were extremely depressing). She's been replying fairly fast and we've been catching up/making small talk. It doesn't seem forced but it still feels awkward- like there's something we're both not saying, if that makes sense.

I have yet to ask her why she told me to look the song up, because it was a breakup-ish type song, and when we were together, she always told me to look up songs that reminded her of me. So I'm not sure how to take this.

 

I'm an over-analyzer, but I can't help it. UGH!

[Tanzi]

You tried going on a "break", you tried being friends and you tried winning her back. You have tried just about everything you can but none of it has worked. There is only one thing left to do .... cut ALL ties with her so you can move on.

 

She isn't waiting for you to contact her. The ball was firmly left in her court. If she wanted to contact you there is nothing to stop her. You are clutching at very flimsy straws here.

 

In answer to your question ...... as a dumper I have wanted the dumpee (for want of a better description) to have REALLY heard me. By ending a relationship you are asking for space so if someone is blowing up your phone begging you to take them back they are thinking only of what they want and not what the dumper wants/needs. Even if it hard to let go it still does no good to disregard their feelings or needs. A dumper is human too and they are just as entitled to be happy as anyone else. If they aren't happy in a relationship it does no-one any good for them to stay in it.

 

As a dumpee, no, I don't reach out. The dumper would have made their feelings perfectly clear by ending the relationship in the first place so there is no point in me chasing them down and invading the space they want. I also want to give myself the best chance of moving on so, for me, cutting ALL ties is the ONLY way forward. Besides, the last thing I want is to find out that they have moved on to another relationship and set myself back even further. For me, as far as relationships are concerned, silence is golden and ignorance is bliss.

[Ms Darcy]

Well, honestly I texted her an hour ago to congratulate her on accomplishing something in her life that I know she's been working hard towards. I was scared and it was a rash decision, but she texted me back! She thanked me for the congratulations, wished me well, and told me to look up a song (which I did...the lyrics were extremely depressing). She's been replying fairly fast and we've been catching up/making small talk. It doesn't seem forced but it still feels awkward- like there's something we're both not saying, if that makes sense.

I have yet to ask her why she told me to look the song up, because it was a breakup-ish type song, and when we were together, she always told me to look up songs that reminded her of me. So I'm not sure how to take this.

 

I'm an over-analyzer, but I can't help it. UGH!

 

It doesn't mean anything other than her being nice. You initiated the contact and she responded. There's nothing here man and basically no hope of getting back together.

 

She probably thinks you have accepted things and can be friendly while she moves on and dates others.

[hrtbrokengirl]

I think I'm about to wrap up the texting because now she's taking longer and longer to respond. It was a nice conversation while it lasted.

Texting her, I wasn't really expecting anything but somehow my hopes have still been crushed lol.

Blue68, you're right about silence being golden and ignorance being bliss...I can't tell you how many times I've found things on her social media accounts that I didn't want to see. I'm not quite sure why I can't get over her, y'all. The relationship didn't last long, but the breakup absolutely blindsided me. This isn't my first relationship either! I guess I keep thinking about the "what ifs." I'm a fixer- I want to fix everything. I should know by now that you can't fix people though! I can't make her love me, I can't make her want me back. I'm hoping these things get better with time.

[Tanzi]

You're not getting over her because you haven't let go of her ... not completely .... not properly. You need to cut all ties with someone in order to move on from them totally. By that I mean deleting them from every form of social media so you are not in any way privy to what is going on in their lives. It may seem like a hard thing to do but once you've done it you are enabling yourself to focus on other aspects of your life and not make her your primary focus .... which you have been doing up until now.

 

hrtbrokengirl, you can do this. You just have to help yourself.

[hrtbrokengirl]

Thank you everyone for the responses. She told me last night that she had been wanting to text me, but was scared to initiate contact because she initiated the breakup. She said she didn't know if it was "fair" for her to text me "whenever [she] felt like it." I'm just confused as to why she'd even want to talk to me? I told her I didn't think she'd even want to talk to me and she responded with "well surprise. lol"

It's slightly reassuring to know that she had been thinking about me, but I refuse to read too much into it. I plan on putting my phone away for the majority of the day so I don't check it 500 times in hopes for a text/phone call.

[Tanzi]

Good for you! That is the best thing you can do.

 

Years ago, when I was much younger ... and the dumper ... I remember calling my ex up. I didn't want him back but I still cared about him and I wanted to make sure he was alright. Looking back now it probably wasn't fair on him but I didn't see it that way. When an ex gets in touch it is always best to keep an open mind.

[hrtbrokengirl]

I think I needed one last push from her to realize that yes, we are in fact done. It's so funny how love can be so blinding at times... Before her, I was good about not letting my guard down with people, but I ended up trusting her too quickly. I know there's a lesson to be learned with this breakup; she reminded me that I can in fact be loved and that one day I will be loved fully and without second thought! I'm only 21 years old so I'm not too concerned with settling down right now.