He won't leave... now what?

[YtheSADface]

My partner and I have been together for 7 years next week. We started dating when I was 19 he was 43. In the first 3 years of our relationship he overcame alcoholism, drug addiction, and a horrible smoking habit. We have lived through a nasty custody battle with his ex, he's had more than 8 different jobs, cheating and lying by both parties in one way or another, a bio baby, 3 foster babies, and at this point are practically married without the formal paperwork.

 

Our children are 15 yr old (my step daughter), 3 yr old (our biological daughter), 2 more 3 yr olds (our foster babies), and a 2 month old (we plan to adopt). We also plan to have 1 more bio baby and adopt one more.

 

Last year, I had the opportunity to travel out of the country for work. During that time, I discovered how much I miss being me. Just me. I had forgotten what it was like to not depend on someone, to run my life the way I like it. I'm a bit (I'm underestimating here) of a control freak and having to be with someone really stresses me out. And before any assumptions take place, no I did not meet somebody else, nor did I have an affair. Just what feels like an enlightenment.

 

When I came home I explained to my partner that I wanted more out of life. Soon after that (btw, he pretends like that convo never took place) we had a HUGE argument over a settlement that took place between his ex and him. I told him, I no longer wanted anything to do with him or his daughter, and that I would gift him whatever amount of money he needed to leave my house. I continued with, how I need a man who has ambition, goals, desires more out of life. Not one who's just along for the ride. I have a full time job of which i am climbing the corporate ladder, I am a full time singer in a band (we are booked every weekend and some weekdays this year), I was the one that wanted to foster/adopt and take the most care of the children, and I help my grandparents and mother out with their family owned businesses. Not to mention, I just started a non-profit for children in foster care. I need someone that will be my partner and has that same drive, not a "yes" man, but a man that can hold his own weight.

 

As superficial as it may sound, I want a man that can pay his own flight to Italy tomorrow if I decide that's what I want to do. I'll take care of mine and my children's share.

 

When I kicked him out, he asked me to give him through April 11th (our 7 yr. Anniversary) to prove to me that he is the man I thought he was. I explained that I would give him until then, but not to do anything for me. That I no longer expect anything of him. He should do it for himself and his daughters.

 

I'm still in love with him, but I still don't want to be with him. I tell him I love you, I speak in plural (ex. We should... build a conservatory onto our bedroom), not because I really mean "we" but because "we" is all I've really come to know. I've explained that to him before and up until just about 2 months ago he seemed like he was looking for a new place to live.

 

Fast forward to this week, he has eighty-some odd dollars to his name, he hasn't done any house hunting, and is upset with me for being distant. I've asked him hundreds of times to please do his taxes, to fix his credit in hopes that it will help him with his transition, and yet there has been no progress. He has, however, started taking college courses in hopes of becoming an attorney. His efforts are just too little, too late.

 

April 11th is next week. I'm afraid he won't leave. This is my house. I can't leave. I don't want to be the that threw her kids dad out on the street, but I don't deserve to be forced to live with someone I don't want to be with. That's not the example I want to set for my girls.

 

So now what???? How do I go about reminding him that time is up?

[NeedsAdvice101]

I feel what your going through, If you have had enough and you feel that there is more to life than you should go after that. and let him know that if you break up with him that doesn't mean his relationship with the kids have to end.

life is short and by the time you know it years have past and you get so used to the other person it's hard to see your self without them. If you do break up with him it's not the end of the world. Maybe it's the kick in the pants he needs to be a provider for his family.

 

Feel free to give me advice on my problem it would really help.

 

its titled please help! Everyone help!

[hazel125]

Reading this post and what I see is basically, you want a guy with money. Maybe not to spend on you but you want a guy with money. Your saying about the flight ticket and also about how you want "more" out of life and I don't really like the term "yes man" you should be happy you even meet a guy that says yes to you and appreciates you. It's VERY hard to come by. Also, I mean let's be serious here, he's 43 and has children, most people have done what they wanted in life before they hit they're mid 40s and are ready to settle down, so I wouldn't exactly say he has no ambition, he just may have already done what you wanna do and wants to find someone to relax with you know.

 

On to him, he's 43 or older? He should already have his life together and shouldn't need help providing for his children and that should have been a huge red flag to you in the beginning so chalk it up as a learning experience. I know your saying you don't wanna feel guilty kicking him out? But let's be honest, there's nothing to feel guilty about. It's better to break up and move on, then to stay stuck in a house with somebody your not happy with. Your young and still haven't experienced life yet, don't hold yourself back for anybody because life is way too short to be on hold. Being selfish about your own life is not a bad thing. The only mistake I'd say you made is accepting his ultimatum on giving him a set date to "fix his self for you" when you knew that it was already over and didn't wanna be with him. Other then that, you gotta do what YOU want not want HE wants. Always remember only you can make yourself truly happy