Splitting (or lack there of) of household chores?

[PoPenny]

Hi All,

 

I need some advice, wondering if you can help me out. Here is my situation.

 

Four years ago we bough our house, husband was convinced he needed to start big projects right away. Turns out I got pregnant just before he started them all, I begged him to wait as this was our first baby and we had NO idea what we were in for....but he got mad and did them anyways. He tried to redo our backyard and it totally changed the grade of our land and subsequently, after a big rainfall, flooded our basement. Since then we've had no usable backyard and no usable basement because he wants to do everything himself. For four years I have been living without a nice place to relax in the summertime and for my child to run around in and for four years we have crammed our entire life on one floor of our house (can you imagine the clutter that has accumulated over four years!? Especially with baby items, toddler items and now pre-schooler items). We are at each others throats, talking about divorce and just not getting along. I can't live anymore with the saw dust and constant construction in my house. The other day we found out we are pregnant again, so my moods are running whacky to say the least. We had an argument this morning about dividing household chores. I am currently responsible for laundry, cleaning all surfaces, bathroom, cleaning floors, cleaning children's toys, bathing kid and cooking dinners, watching our son, so basically anything that you find in the house is my job. He feels as though he doesn't need to help out with chores because he does so much more (he is 'doing the basement' for four years and goes to school - one class a week until June). He complains that I'm not doing a good job, I tell him I can't keep up, I'm trying to balance working, learning about parenting, going out with family and friends and now being pregnant again, I just need help. I need help doing at least some chores. He doesn't think so. Am I wrong? Should i be doing all of this and not complaining? I'm not the best cleaner in the world, but I'm just trying and I just can't get the hang of this.

 

Any advice would be so much appreciated.

 

Thanks for taking the time and reading this.

P

[Seraphim]

Does he work other than mess around with the basement and go to one class a week ?

[Seraphim]

I would also look into hiring an actual contractor. The value of your house has been lowered due to a nonfunctional basement and yard not to mention the stress that is causing you and your relationship . Also two ,with a wet basement your house could now have mould which is dangerous for you and your child's health and your unborn child's health and could make your house unsellable .

[PoPenny]

He does take our son out, he's a good father. He has done work around the house, installed a new dishwasher and fridge. He will flip the dishwasher but doesn't wash dishes, they will sit there until either I clean them or he gets the gumption to clean them. He does study hard and work full time (I also work full time). He will clean up the yard in spring but spends a lot of time trying to do projects in the basement. It's come down to my family and his just saying "get it done". I know he's trying but constant construction is really tiring.

[PoPenny]

We did check for mold when the basement flooded, we caught it the day it happened and ripped everything out so there is no mold in the house, thank goodness. I have tried to convince him to hire a contractor to just get it done, but they are pretty expensive and we don't have the money right now to do that. I understand that he wants to do these projects DIY, it makes him feel good when he accomplishes these things, as it does with me. But now, being pregnant again, i've told him there will have to be support, at least for the first three months while I deal with being really tired and moody.

[Seraphim]

It is probably just time to save up and get a contractor to do the basement . Having a house that is constantly under construction is a stress for everybody and afterwhile it just becomes a lifestyle . My parents had friends like that when they were young and the people had their house constantly under construction for about 12 years or longer. And then they moved to a new house and just started the construction period all over again. I think both your families are recognizing that this is not now or project but becoming a lifestyle .

[PoPenny]

Thank you for responding to me, I'm truly grateful you took the time to answer. I think our life would be so much better if we could just focus on our family and ourselves. I will continue to try to convince him and hopefully, we will be able to get someone in to help. We have the drywall and flooring (for about two years now) just waiting to go up. We've been so close for so long that it's painful and stressful. I wish I could go downstairs and hang out with my family, or have them play downstairs while I'm upstairs cooking dinner. I fear though, that once this is done, that he will need to start another project. I really don't want the reno lifestyle. I want the family lifestyle.

[Seraphim]

Maybe explain to him that it has now become a lifestyle and not a project . And that it is really putting too much stress on everybody . I can appreciate that the both of you want a sense of accomplishment in having done something yourself . But if it destroys a family is it worth it ?

[PoPenny]

He already has a lot to be proud of, he's done a lot of work, and good quality work. But you're right. Is it worth our family to keep wanting to DIY something? Especially since a house is a place where you should feel safe and comfortable. I think if we didn't have a child it wouldn't bug me. When it was just the two of us, in a small apartment, we used to split chores and whatnot. We moved to the house and he literally just started doing projects and declared that it was my responsibility now to do the household chores while he does the projects. I also feel that's unfair because it doesn't give me time to work on a project of my own (if I was so inclined).

[Seraphim]

I would tell him just that. You ARE proud him. He does great work and he is a great dad and husband but now pride is affecting the family and it is time to get back to family.

[Movingforward3]

Did you ever think about changing your actions? Instead of demanding this or that, how aboutique simply support him with what he stats?

There is only one person actions you can control in this relationship and that is your actions. Sometimes, subtle changes we make can inspire changes within our partners.

Change your behavior and perhaps flip the script.

[j.man]

I think it's more than a bit disingenuous that you volunteered the fact the guy goes to school one night a week but it took being asked to say he also works full time. So he's working full time, schooling part time, and handling household maintenance. I think it's reasonable for him to assume you'll handle things on the chore front. And, as the above poster mentioned, I highly doubt he's in a position to take demands with a smile.

 

I can understand you not being happy with your home feeling like a construction site, so I would focus less on the chores and having a conversation with him about you guys can remedy this to make things easier for you, him, and the baby in that regard.

[DancingFool]

This construction and never ending DIY projects sound more like a hobby than anything else. It's fine that he needs a hobby where he can work with his hands, however perhaps you can suggest getting a workshop where he can putter about and do stuff or local car garage or something to redirect basically so he gets something satisfying without stressing the family and the home. My car mechanic has a bunch of hobbyist puttering around working on restoring antiques.....most of them are never ending projects and most guys admit freely that they are just enjoying the idea and doing stuff rather than having a particular end goal in mind with a timeline. Keeping that hobby out of the house however does keep the peace with their wives. Other people join up in gardening co-ops where they get their own strip to do whatever with it so they can mess about growing stuff. Again, keeps the experimenting out of their home back yards and their spouses out of their hair. Ask him to shift the hobby out of the house so to speak.

 

As for the current unfinished stuff, can you maybe sit down and have a concrete conversation of getting it done on a timeline where you actually pitch in and where you hire a handyman for things that are too much to handle. But basically reach an agreement that you both will work on finishing the basement on the x nights per week so it gets done.

[PoPenny]

J.man - It was not my intention to try to seem disingenuous and have anyone believe that he was not also working, to be honest I was pretty sure that was in the first post and/or assumed....I don't post much on things like this.

 

All of this construction, for the past four years, could have been avoided as the insurance company gave us the option of sending in a contractor to fix up the basement when we had our initial flood. He chose to do this DIY. He told me it wouldn't take him very long, maybe a year or two, to fix up the basement. It has now been four and there are only two pieces of drywall up. He is doing woodworking projects on posts and beams. Wouldn't you, after having argument after argument with your wife, family, just want to get it done? I understand the need for it to look good, to put your style and signature behind such a large projects, but for me, after four years, one kid and another one on the way, wouldn't you just want to focus more on your family then cutting wood? Wouldn't you want a place to get away from work, a place where your child could play? If it didn't have such a negative impact on my family, I would encourage the woodworking, because I think he'd been good at it.

 

Chores are always a thing, I did all of these things for a very long time without a word. I let him play around with his projects, we have a house with new interior doors that have been sitting in our basement for three years because eventually they will be hung (why not just get them when you're ready!?), we have a kitchen counter top that, sweetly, he was going to try to turn into a wrapping station for me (but still sitting in the basement), we had until last week, a dusty old couch sitting in the basement which I offered and even took a whole day off to offer to help move, but it stayed there for four years. We all have our faults, I have mine too. I'm sure he has a list somewhere of all the things I've kept in the house. Though I can tell you they don't take a lot of room...

 

I do see your point though. I would very much like to have a happy life with my husband and my kid. That's all I ever want and i know that's what he wants to.

[PoPenny]

Movingforward3 - It's true that there is only one persons actions I can change. Up until this morning, I was asking and not demanding (and even then, it was still asking him for help). I mean, things that benefit our household, like getting PJ's on and cleaning up random tools lying around, i don't think are really demands? I am sure though that sometimes they do sound like demands....I strongly feel as though men hear their wives in a certain tone....even when they don't have that tone.

[PoPenny]

DancingFool - I do think we need to sit down and create a timeline, but we've had several and they've come and gone. We wanted to get it done for our son's second birthday, third birthday and it didn't happen. He does give me timelines and, because of something, just don't happen. I have offered many times to help out, we both moved a piece of drywall the other day. I told him for four years I could help, he didn't believe me until that weekend. He goes to pickup our friend who helps out a lot, but our friend doesn't drive, so a lot of time is spent going to pick him up and drop him off.

 

I like that idea about a place to go. I think it has turned into a hobby, and if the impact wasn't so great on my family's life, I could care less. I was thinking at one point, contacting a show and trying to audition (one of those DIY shows) but I think he would be embarrassed and kind of mad, and the last thing I want to do to him is bring him on national TV and be like "Hey guys, this good for nothing person spent four years not doing a thing and here we are to save the day" (Because they'll spin it no matter what.)

[DancingFool]

Well the timelines you are talking about are kind of......too far out there to be concrete and the goals are kind of too big and so easy to shift. Would be much more effective to literally allocate set days a week and basically be concrete about what will get done on that particular day in that time slot.

 

For example, on Wednesday 3 hours to put up drywall on west wall. Break it down into small doable steps and set time for that every single week, multiple times per week. Make it so you are both dedicated to it. If he is making an excuse, you look at him and say well, I'm going down and doing what we agreed on and if I can't handle it, I'm calling in a contractor to help me. Light a fire under his rear with your actions rather than just talk and don't let him stop you. Basically his choice is either to follow you and get it done or to concede to a contractor coming in and doing it. No more middle ground.

 

Also do see if he might take his hobby out of the house. Like either getting a workshop or joining something so it's not causing this massive stress on his home life and marriage.

[overthemoon86]

It sounds like you both need to communicate better and determine what is important around the house and make compromises. I mean why does it take 4 years to finish a basement? It's clearly not working the way you are doing it now.

 

It also sounds like you have similar schedules, working full time, parenting, school ect. You need to work out what works best for you in terms of chores and household things.

 

My boyfriend and I live together and both work full time. The majority of the time, I clean the house simply because I like doing those things myself. I also cook all of our meals. My boyfriend is the type of person that does not do something unless he is told. I have come to accept that and I think over time as we continue living together that will evolve. But it does not upset me. If I ask him to do something, I do it nicely and politely...not demanding or demeaning and he always does it. So essentially we work together at my request or I handle it all...which is my decision.

 

You need to communicate though. If that isn't working, then I would consider counseling to learn how to communicate better.