Am I being selfish, or the other way around?

[Coldarmy13]

I have a journal here where ive posted about it but I was looking for more opinions and im not sure if im being unreasonable or am right to be a bit annoyed. My relationship is about 8 months in. Havent really had any issues until now, even this isn't a huge issue.. just something nagging me.

 

Here is the post of the soon to be married couple.

 

On a side note, one of her cousins is completely insane. As in, psychotic, there must be something seriously wrong with how her brain works.

 

Its something we've talked about a lot and im just venting because I cant believe it.

 

She lives with her mother and has one child already. A girl. I want to say 2 years old. She doesn't work.

 

When I first met her she was talking about how she was going to let a guy she has just started dating a month or so to finish inside of her. That he asked in the heat of the moment and she said yes. He then didn't do it and held it against her that she was going to let him.

 

Next relationship I hear about is about a former drug addict who relapsed in the few months they saw each other. She also spoke about how she wanted to have a kid with him and he was the love of her life, blah blah. Everything she told us about him made it obvious he treated her like garbage. Either way she got pregnant with his baby even though there was a chance he'd be going to prison due to his drug problems. I don't know if he ever went to prison but she had a miscarriage and was pretty hurt by it, understandably so even though I strongly disagree with her baby fever with the worst guys.

 

Now to the present day. There is this guy we'll call Dan at the bar my girlfriend works. He seems to have had a crush on her cousin for awhile, at least since ive known him. Shes always been with terrible boyfriends though so he hadn't had a chance to do anything. Now Dan seems to be a real nice guy, a little heavyset, and a little quiet. I think he hasn't had much experience with women from the small conversations we've had. Anyway, about a month after her miscarriage, they started talking. Now everything ive heard from my girlfriend AND her cousin is that she likes him but as a friend. That she wasn't attracted to him for the most part. They started talking and hanging out about 3 weeks ago, if that. Now they are officially dating and are "in love". Yes, that fast. One minute they are talking, and the next moment I hear they are in love at about a week and a half-two weeks. Their PDA is a bit much, but everyones opinion on that is different I suppose.

 

That was enough to baffle me beyond believe and almost make me dizzy. At that time im thinking well she (girlfriends cousin) is just a nutjob with insane baby fever, with no job or house. That she met "Dan", who is a very decent guy with decent income so naturally she became smitten, despite claiming she didn't like him for than a friend. Maybe he charmed her. I assume he treats her very well because again he sounds like a good, nice guy. So whatever, she changed her mind. That could be great! Finally a decent boyfriend. Now to what I heard a couple times this week.

 

Keep in mind they've been official MAYBE two and a half-three weeks. "Dan" talked to my girlfriends aunt (cousins mother) about MARRYING HER. Her cousin knows about it as far as I know, they both want to get married. They are also trying to get pregnant. Im so confused and I don't know if ive seen anything quite like it. Curious to hear you reasonable folks opinion on it. My girlfriend and I both just throw our hands up and cannot believe it. Im not surprised she wants to get pregnant again but married too?! What really confuses me is him, who seemed to have a decent head on his shoulders.

 

Now here is the recent issue/conflict ive had:

 

So.. our first bit of conflict. We both left for work today and seemed to have worked it out and she seemed in good spirits when we parted.

 

Over the weekend I WAS invited to stand in this ill advised (IMO) "wedding". They aren't having a ceremony but instead renting a hall and a reception type thing and that's it. I told him I would and then he told me it was the weekend of my horror movie convention I attend every year and have planned it out ahead of time and its paid for. Let me add its something my two best friends and I look forward to all year. Due to our schedules, very rarely can the three of us get together. My main best friend is also hard to get together with us both being in relationships and the days we work. I actually haven't seen him in over a month come to think of it. This convention she has known about since before the new year and was actually invited, to which she turned down. So ive booked adjoining rooms for myself and 3 of my friends that are going.

 

Now their reception party thing is going to be on the Saturday of that weekend. Not exactly sure what times. I believe its something like 8pm-12am. I was thinking of, if need be, leave the convention and head up there for a couple of hours then going back as a compromise. Although, id like to keep my current plans as is if that ends up being possible. I also have a feeling when say 11 or so comes around and I tell her im going back to rejoin my friends, that it could be an argument. She basically said "its fine ill just be there myself and not have anyone to dance with, etc." Which seemed strange since all the people she hangs out with at her work will be there as well and she seems to have fun at her work since that's what she does most days we don't get together. Even though I do get she wants me there, and I DO want to be there with her. I told the "groom" im available any weekend this year other than that one, since they just randomly picked a Saturday, which they'll be married before they're together 3 months I believe but that's beside the point.

 

When I told her she was actually pretty annoyed. Saying that my things is every year and this is a one time thing. Reading between the lines though, it sounds a lot like she isn't satisfied with how often we see each other currently. That could be an issue since im currently set at the amount we see each other at the moment. We've typically been hanging out Tuesday and Thursday evening after I get out of work and also spend Saturday and Sunday together. Monday has been sort of my night to do my thing at home. Wednesday and Fridays are when I work truck, which is a lot of work and im usually dead tired when I leave there so I started asking to just go home after those days unless we get an easier truck. So Friday im also packing up clothes for Saturday/sunday then work clothes Monday since I know ill be with her for the weekend. She also mentioned that we used to hang out Fridays and now we don't so I can do "whatever it is" im doing. I mention this later in the post but when we were working through this conversation she asked if theres anything she does that annoys me. I told her there was, IE her saying "whatever Im doing" on Friday nights tells me that she doesn't trust me. That im doing exactly what it is I tell her im doing. Showering, eating late dinner and getting ready for the weekend. I should mention truck nights I don't get home until 10pm or so. She apologized and she said she is trying (to trust me) that shes had some issues with that in past relationships.

 

Bullet points from her POV

- My convention is every year and ill still have Friday night/Sunday afternoon there.

- I already have Mon/Wed/Fri to myself and complained I don't come over until early evening on Saturdays. Typically around 7 even though last Saturday I was there by 5.

 

Her cousin and her fiancé already told me its fine and they think she'll get over it, but obviously don't want to just go by that. I even told her she could come over when I get done with truck on this Friday, also to compromise, and she did the whole "youre only saying that because im mad/to get me to shut up." I told her that wasn't the case, im assuming she will come over this friday. She did get upset but still rationally told me her issues. Most of them fixable, things I didn't think about. IE her always saying I love you first, me not complimenting her as much as I did before, her getting the feeling I didn't care if I saw her. The latter is of course not true I just know when we'll see each other for the most part so I save most the convo and all that for those days. Ive still dropped I miss you texts/memes here and there so she knows im thinking of her.

 

The main reason for my post is whether I should try to work out a compromise to go to this thing or stick to my well known about and important to me plans? I feel bad for looking at this selfishly but I know id be understanding and supportive if the roles were reversed, but everyone is different.

 

So it looks like it's from 6-12 in the evening on that Saturday. If you include drive time and time to change into my suit it's going to be taking up most of the evening. I'm trying to be a good boyfriend here but I'm having a hard time getting over the situation.

 

Yeah, it's just an event with friends but it is a friend thing with my two best friends where I almost never see them both at one time and it's always been something we look forward to all year. I wonder if this comprimise Is the best thing. Yes I'll have all of Friday and Saturday afternoon, but it's pretty much all over by Sunday morning so not much to look forward to after Saturday. Saturday is also the most popular day that is busiest which makes it even more fun from a social aspect.

 

I guess it's just the difference between us. It makes me wonder about things though. If this was something that I was aware of pretty much since I met you and my friends set their date to that weekend after you already told them that it was the PNLY weekend that you couldn't make.. I certainly wouldn't make you feel bad about not going. I'd be bummed about my SO not being able to make it, but I wouldn't even think about pressuring her into going. I feel selfish for wanting to keep my weekend intact but also think she is being selfish on her end too. Ugh, this shouldn't be as big of a deal to me as it has been. It's been bumming me out.

 

It's also worth noting she doesn't think much of this Union on the first place. As I posted about them before.

[True Story]

I'm sorry but if this isn't a huge issue why does this post have to be so long?

[Coldarmy13]

I'm sorry but if this isn't a huge issue why does this post have to be so long?

 

Fair point, I just didn't want to miss any details in my journal posts. I can be long winded in that regard. I would edit it but its too late to do so. Thanks to anyone to reads the whole thing.

[Tinydance]

Well I read all your posts. I can write a lot as well so I kinda get it lol By the way, that is beyond awesome that you are going to a horror convention! I am a HUGE horror fan as well. Anyway, yeah, I don't think you even really have to go to this wedding because you already made those other plans before the wedding and you are not close to the bride and groom (and they don't mind anyway). Understandably your girlfriend wants you there, but she will have family and friends there and will still have plenty of company without you. Plus you did offer to make an appearance at the wedding, so I think she's being unreasonable. Also the amounts of time you spend together sound totally fine to me. You still need to work and have your "me time" and she doesn't seem to understand that. To me she sounds a bit too demanding and clingy and like she can't entertain herself.

[catfeeder]

You've had your trip planned for a year. You're not close to the couple. It's a no brainer, so stop trying to jump through hoops. Tell GF that this specific weekend is off limits. Period. Ask her for some specific things she'd like from you to make this up to her. If she won't negotiate, then you may want to question whether this relationship even has any legs to stand on.

[Coldarmy13]

I agree with the possibility of her not entertaining herself as I brought it up before in my journal. We've talked about it and she said she doesn't mind if I show up later (maybe 8-12) but I know if I tell her now that I'm not going it won't be very pleasant. Tough spot.