Tincan Posted March 7, 2016 Share Posted March 7, 2016 Hi, I had been dating a girl for over 8 months. The first 6 months were amazing, the last 2 weren't so great. We were both pretty miserable. I feel I had lost sight of myself in the relationship and overdid things to win her affection of which she had grown to resent. She had told me numerous times toward the end that I was unable to be in an adult relationship. I ignored that and did not want to believe it but I now see that as true. She had discussed things she needed to she me do in order for this relationship to progress and I again shut down and ignored her. She became frustrated and fed up and decided to end things over a week ago. At the time we broke up I essentially said nothing and thought it was probably for the best and left. We met up a day later, I was an emotional wreck, and we had a long talk where there were times it looked like she wanted to stay together but in the end she said her mind was made up. We slept together that night and I left the following morning. She's a very independent, ambitious and strong willed woman. Her main problems with the relationship were our inability to communicate properly and she felt there was no future. We are both 30 and marriage and a family are goals for both of us. I am absolutely positive this is the woman I want to marry. We just began talking again today after I initiated and the conversation was perfectly cordial. We harbor no ill will and love each other. I am taking actions and doing things that she wanted me to do months ago with hopes that my actions speak louder than words, of which she was sick of hearing. Any advice on how to progress forward would be much appreciated, or if it's even worth progressing. This is the first time we have broken up since we started dating and while we live an hour apart, we spent days together every week and texted every hour for the entire relationship. I absolutely adore this woman and told her this when we met the day after our relationship. Feelings that I did not express properly during the relationship. I have not been able to eat much since the break up nor maintain a normal lifestyle. While I understand this is the grieving process running its course, I feel like I owe it to myself to fight for something I know I want and show her my will. She was very skeptical at the end. Everything you read online about no contact and appearing a certain way to appeal to your ex doesn't sit well with me and I don't believe is anything that would work with her anyway. She knows what she wants, she expressed that to me, and I failed to try to work with her in any way. My stubbornness and ignorance is mostly to blame. I also shut down and ignore most things. Please help! Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted March 7, 2016 Share Posted March 7, 2016 I wish I could tell you something that would make you feel better at this difficult time. But if she is an independent, strong woman as you state and she has told you numerous times toward the end that you are unable to be in an adult relationship She isn't going to view you any differently today. This is all she knows. It's good you've taken her feedback to heart but my guess is it's too late. I would work on letting go and don't contact her or certainly don't sleep with her. Read up on no contact, not as a means to get her back or become more attractive but as a means to heal and move on. Link to comment
Clinton Posted March 7, 2016 Share Posted March 7, 2016 As you said, she harbours no ill will toward you so she's content being friends and chatting once in a while. But this is over. Anything you do is too little too late. Accept it and move on. And at least for the near future, cut contact. You can't be friends with someone you have romantic feelings for. Link to comment
Clabs Posted March 7, 2016 Share Posted March 7, 2016 Tincan Sorry for the difficult time you are going through mate - been right there a few times and know how rotten it is. As the others have said, there is not much you can do right now other than take care of your self and try and get your head straight. This woman has told you what she was not getting from the relationship and you accept that you shut down and ignored her. If what she says is true then all you can do is take it on board and try to learn from your mistakes. It does sound harsh but I agree that you should consider this over. Don't misinterpret her kindness at this time for wanting to get back together. Things will get better mate, I promise, but for now, take things one day at a time. Take care buddy Mark Link to comment
Tincan Posted March 7, 2016 Author Share Posted March 7, 2016 Right now I can't accept that it's over. If that means further heartbreak down the road then so be it. But I feel like I can make appropriate changes and if she sees that she might view me differently? Always keep hope Link to comment
Tincan Posted March 7, 2016 Author Share Posted March 7, 2016 I also can't stress enough I was not myself in the end and I now realize that which I hadn't during. Should I try to have a conversation with her about this or appear like I'm fine? Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted March 7, 2016 Share Posted March 7, 2016 I also can't stress enough I was not myself in the end and I now realize that which I hadn't during. Should I try to have a conversation with her about this or appear like I'm fine? No, I am sorry. Trying to sell her on a completely different version of you isn't going to work. She's likely taken her time to get to this conclusion. It wasn't an impulsive decision. Besides, she ended it. She knows how you feel and where you live. If she changes her mind, she knows where to find you. Trying to convince her at this point isn't a good position to be in. I wouldn't recommend it. Link to comment
Tincan Posted March 7, 2016 Author Share Posted March 7, 2016 The biggest issue was I live with my parents and she struggled to get over that. Wanted me to move out during the relationship. I now have an apartment. Surely people have broken up and gotten back together and it's worked... Link to comment
boltnrun Posted March 8, 2016 Share Posted March 8, 2016 The biggest issue was I live with my parents and she struggled to get over that. Wanted me to move out during the relationship. I now have an apartment. Surely people have broken up and gotten back together and it's worked... Yes...when BOTH of the parties wanted to get back together. Not just one of them. And you can't "convince" her she's wrong, which is essentially what you'd be doing. You'd be trying to tell her that her own feelings and convictions are wrong and yours are right. Which is actually kind of insulting. Yes, you'll feel bad for a while. But now you know not to shut down and ignore a woman you love when she's trying to save your relationship. Link to comment
Tincan Posted March 8, 2016 Author Share Posted March 8, 2016 Im just looking for another chance to show her what I can be Link to comment
boltnrun Posted March 8, 2016 Share Posted March 8, 2016 Im just looking for another chance to show her what I can be Well, it sounds like she gave you a lot of chances, but you chose to ignore and shut down. Sorry, but it seems unlikely she will give you another chance to ignore her and shut down. The changes are positive for YOU, but improvements just to try to get her back will not last. Do them for you, so you can be a better person. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted March 8, 2016 Share Posted March 8, 2016 Im just looking for another chance to show her what I can be We get that - and you asked us if it was a good idea. Now that you've gotten feedback the next move is yours. Link to comment
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