The thrill is gone for her, but what about me??

[KonaScott]

Here is my situation...

 

 

We have sex about once a month and when we do I feel that I am inconveniencing her b/c somewhere along the line she became uptight about it. I thought that it was my appearance that was the root of the problem, so I lost 40lbs and still no change. She has put on about 50 lbs since we married, but I could overlook that if everything else was right. Conversation is lifeless even though I can talk about anything with anyone. There is no affectionate touches coming from her direction and when I try to initiate it's like pulling teeth, so I don't try anymore. I feel as though I don't want to come home at night. The only thing keeping me around is my son. She is a wonderful mother but has somehow forgotten about me. Whats more is that I have mentioned these concerns to her and she is so pigheaded that it goes in one ear and out the other without so much as thought. It's kind of odd b/c her parents had the same type of relationship and they divorced due to infidelity. Although, I have not cheated on her, I unfortunately have to say that I would hesitate to say no if an offer came around. I have mentioned therapy, but she is not too keen on it.

 

Ultimately, what is happening is that I am beginning to fall out of love with my wife and in love with the idea that there is someone better out there for me. Am I wrong to think this way?

[DN]

It is understandable but don't act on it. Learn to communicate better about what you want. Don't make it a blame thing but talk about it as a problem for both of you to solve to make your marriage work. Start by showing concern to make she is alright physically. Ask her to see her doctor- for her sake more than yours, at least at first.

 

If everything is ok, then ask her to discuss the relationship in general - ask her what makes her happy, unhappy, and tell her the same for you. Find ways to address problems together rather than as adversaries. There are techniques to help you do this and they have had some success.

[peanut15]

Warning...this is a harsh statement....all for the affect of letting you know what you are about to do....

 

Hate to say this but you're giving the same excuses as my husband. He came up with everything in the book like you just to justify looking and having an affair. Now that is said, let me say a couple of things to give you some idea of what she is going through and what you may be going through because this entire post reminds me so much of my marriage.

 

I don't think you were ready to share your wife with your son. Yes you love him so much and he is the reason why you are staying in the relationship however, you have problems sharing him with her. You are realizing that she has to devote her time with your son and on some level she has moved on to a different level with her life. Her priorities are changing and now its about what is good for your son, for her and then you.

 

As for the affection, have you ever tried to pull out a baby out of yourself? You have no idea what it feels like, what is feels like to recover, what it feels like to have to change your life and now be responsible for a person that cannot take care of himself. Yes you are a father but the relationship between a mother and a child is something that a father will not realize or even comprehend. After the birth of my first child, I had the hardest time trying take care of myself, my child, my home, and then my marriage. It seemed as though my husband had all these complaints but was unwilling to listen to me. I asked him for help but apparently he had problems with me and our new life and it seemed to him that I wasn't listening to him.

 

Of course conversations are lifeless. What do you expect? Maybe you just want to talk about what interests you? Have you looked into your past with her and see if you did the same thing to her? I mean really look into your past with your wife before the birth of your son? Did you ever think that maybe she was lonely before because of your actions and now with your son, she's filled some of that lonliness aside with him? Maybe she does talk to you now but its more about your son and about all the things she has to do. Maybe she doesn't have time because she's thinking about everything and everyone else.

 

As for her reluctance to therapy at this point, maybe she just doesn't feel that your problems are worth a therapist at this point. Doesn't sound right, but to her that may be how she feels. Also, since you said her parents divorced, maybe she is embarrassed she has gotten herself to that point in her marriage and she's disappointed at the fact that she does feel her marriage is in ruins. And another reason she feels that she may not like therapy is the fact that I sense that you have done nothing but blame her for the problems you are feeling. Maybe you didn't intend to come off that way but that is how she feels and going to therapy may seem like you are getting someone else involved to tell her how much she is ruining the marriage and not satisfying you.

 

I dont' think that there's someone else better out there for you. I think there's someone out there better for her. I mean, you are the one telling everyone here that you would not hesitate if an offer came around to have an affair. This is a fact, you have an affair, she will find out because women have this sixth sense about these things. You have your affair without hesitation, she will take your son and you will have to live with the fact that your son will know that you were unwilling to respect his mother when times got tough just to satisfy your need for cheap sexual desire.

 

So yes, you are wrong to think the way you are. Do yourself a favor, sit her down, tell her how you feel, give her the date and time for the first marriage counseling appointment (yes set it up w/o her consent and find someone to babysit your son). Jumping into bed with someon else will unleash a woman you never wanted to ever confront and believe me, you will lose.

[peanut15]

contrary to the post above mine im going to disagree entirly with her. personally her post sounded more liek she was venting anger towards her ex husband and pinning those same htought son yourself.

 

First of all, if you read my post correctly...he's still my husband and the whole point of this website is to give advice and that's my advice. Another thing, there was a warning about the harsh statement. This man has not given any specific reasons but just generalizations about why he should have an affair...not why he should leave her...but rather why he should have an affair. He's saying the same thing and doing the same thing and I'm letting him know and everyone else know that there are TWO sides to marital problems.

 

I think you still love her and want to be with her for the one fact that you are on this website and trying to find support for something that you really don't want to do. Fact is, if you have an affair, she can take sole custody and believe me, she will find a way to prove it. She will have the upper hand not you. You want to work it out with your wife dont' make the same mistake my husband made. I found many different programs for marriages like mine and like yours. I've gone to my medical provider and set up marriage counseling and have even inquired about a program called Retrouvaille.

 

Jumping straight to divorce just because she wont' talk right now and you want to sleep with someone else won't work. Also, many divorce lawyers will also recommend that you go to counseling before you move forward with it. And another fact, divorces aren't handed easily especially if you aren't rich.

 

The problem I had with your post was pointed out by the other poster DN...don't make it a blame game and that is what you are doing to your wife. If you want to make it obvious to your wife things aren't great between you two, an affair is not the answer.

[Mun]

Hi there,

Have you asked your wife what is bothering her?

 

It sounds to me like she is either too busy, too tired or maybe even has some resentment and that could be why she is not affectionate. Sometimes women take on too much or feel too responsible for the home and leave little room for the man.

 

Don't rush into any decisions without talking to her about this first. Don't accuse, and make sure you LISTEN to what she has to say. Come to a solution together.

[Abacab]

Hello all,

 

I think we're missing the point here... I believe that by posting his problem here KonaScott is letting out a cry of help; not essentially seeking an excuse to begin an extramarital affair.

 

Most advice here on this site centers on having an open and honest dialogue between married couples. However, as most of us have observed, many times a partners pleads to rectify a problem (either rightly or wrongly perceived) falls on deaf ears. In such a situation, how can one go about expressing his/her problem when the other is not willing to listen? Do not get me wrong here, I'm %100 in favour of bilateral communication. But more than never, it just doesn't work.

 

While I do agree with some points raised by previous posters, I think the most valid suggestion is for you to arrange for counselling together. If your spouse refrains from participating, it will demonstrate her unwillingness to address the prevailing problems. Then you should be able to decide to move on or not. In any case, do not act upon your needs until you get a divorce, should that be your final decision.

 

As for your kid, I wish the best for him; but I doubt the benefits for raising him in a loveless (and sexless) marriage...

 

Best of luck for all of you.