City break, how to act?

[trez]

Hi,

 

We broke up... well, sort of, two months ago. She said she needed space. She said she didn't want it to end yet. Since then we've been talking on the phone, had couple of coffee dates. She touches me from time to time, we kiss our good-byes, hug, usually the coffee dates take longer than planned. However, she's still reluctant to commit. Usually it's me who initiates contact, although not always. When we talk we don't mention the past too much (we used to, but don't do it anymore). Our telephone conversation are usually long, one-hour or so. When I try to end them she usually says something to keep talking longer. The conversation are not too intimate, usually we talk about what's going on at the moment. I don't feel like I need to plan them, just go with the flow and the flow is always there (wouldn't have talked for an hour otherwise). She once or twice told me she feels it's gonna be alright (speaking about our common future), although she's still cold. In couple of days we're going together to Spain to visit my cousin. We will be sleeping in one bed and she's aware of it. I told her I have no expectations. I'd rather see where it leads us to. However, I'm kind of confused about how to act. I don't want to push her, on the other hand I think it may be the right time to make a move towards closer physical connection. Any advice on how should I behave would be very valuable. I don't want to chase her off, on the other hand I don't want to stay in the friend zone. Would appreciate any thoughts.

 

Thanks

[skern]

First thing, as much as possible keep things on a platonic level.

 

The feeling I am getting is there is a strongly possibility she has been holding out not cutting it off altogether because of this trip. She has serious hesitations, and please be prepared for a breakup conversation when you get back.

 

That said, if you can act casual and confident, you have a shot at getting her back and her attention coming back your way. I know you don't want to stay in the friend zone, but if you don't right now, you lose any chance of keeping her respect for you which is essential for the attraction and relationship to grow.

[trez]

Thanks, Skern. Very valuable opinion! Not sure this alters the case, but she told me couple of times she wanted us to make further future plans (going to US for a month, another city break). Also, she told me she adjusted her private plans (some health-related stuff) to be present on my upcoming birthday. I'm ready for a breakup conversation, though. I especially appreciate your opinion, because my feeling was that whenever there's a chance to have sex (or get closer physically) I should go for it. Now I know it's not the right way to go. Thank you!

[YouCanDeleteThisAccount]

Provided she doesn't back out of this trip, this probably means she's still considering if this is the relationship for her (in your favor). But it's not about how you should act, it's about how you believe in yourself. You need to prepare your mind that that may not end in your favor and you need to be ok with it. The more attached you become to the outcome, the more you are going to set yourself up for failure by becoming needy to the relationship. Right now she's just a friend with a close intimate benefit, but she isn't looking to take it further until she feels comfortable with it becoming more; and if you push for it, or show that you are more interested in this being more, it takes the entire mystery of the relationship out of the picture. Allow her to define the relationship right now, provided you are willing to walk away from it if it goes sour. But as a warning, if you are emotionally attached to the outcome of this, I would suggest now is the time to walk away from it all together. Being emotionally attached means walking away right now is probably the least pain of it ending, and staying longer to have it go wrong will be more painful for you.

[trez]

Thanks for your valuable feedback. What if she wants to have sex? Should I gently refuse, saying I want her to be sure about the relationship first? Now that I'm writing this question it sounds a little silly, but seriously, I'm afraid of such situation.

[YouCanDeleteThisAccount]

That's where you need to better understand yourself and if you are attached to this. Only you can answer that, and if you come across as uncertain if you should or shouldn't, you'll play your hand to her and look weak.

[YouCanDeleteThisAccount]

Honestly, you sound attached to the idea of this all working out. I would go through the mental gyrations of thinking about backing out of it. Your currently headed towards a world of hurt if she walks, meaning you care more about this than she does.

[trez]

So we went on this trip together. I promised myself I would act cool. Would say I succeeded 85%. We had great time and she admits it. Visited nice places, a lot of affectionate talks, definitely felt some connection. Slept together in one bed, no sex, but a lot of cuddling and touching. Sometimes she would grab my arm while we were walking. Definitely some progress. Since we came back we've been seeing each other quite often, drinking wine, talking about plans. Our goodbye hugs and kisses became much longer and multiple. She invited me to go with her on another trip soon. Also, she said she wants to start some new art-related activity together, which surprised me. However, occasionally she still acts cold, which makes me feel bad but I'm trying to be cool. Hope it'll get better. I'm leaving for one month soon. We agreed this would not hurt us and could actually help. Hope she's right. I'm trying not to be too optimistic or at least not show it. Hope I will be able to detach a little bit while being away - I still feel needy sometimes, although try my best to hide it. Just thought I'd post un update.