Please help, I don't know what to do

[akrngrl]

I feel like this may be a bit all over the place so I apologize in advance. I'm going to try and keep it short without leaving out too many key details. For a bit of background as evident in all my past posts: Normally I get into relationships VERY fast. I meet a guy, we decide we like each other, we're together. It clearly has always gone downhill so I've tried a new tactic, or rather the new guy is, but it's also breaking all of my other "rules" and I have no idea if I'm reading too far into everything or I'm being foolish.

 

I met a guy on a dating site about two months ago (early December). Right from the start it was different than every other experience (We kept talking on the site for two days before he asked for my number, we texted for about a week with NO mention of ever setting up plans). I had to keep hinting at "when am I going to see you?" He's a professor and it was right before they ended for the semester so he said "after Thursday I'm all yours" (We started talking on a Tuesday and I FINALLY asked about making plans to meet that Sunday). All in all, that's basically how it's been since. I'm ALWAYS initiating plans, making plans, planning plans, etc. That's a red flag in my book, always has been, a rookie knows to see if they make plans. The one time I made the plans to see him, but I was like "You are picking what we do", he answered with "yikes pressure" (then it ended up being an, albeit nice, marathon date: tea, lunch, dessert, a movie, etc.) I'm not entirely sure if he's really that bad at planning a date or just really didn't know what to do.

 

Another side note: I'm not ENTIRELY sure it's relevant, but he's originally from the UK, but he's been here for a good number of years and he's in his early thirties

 

We text every day, it used to be all day, but that's rightfully fallen off, sometimes it's just a a "Good morning beautiful" text and that's it. Sometimes it's not until the night time, but I'd say we at least make contact daily and sans a few times, it's always him to reach out.

 

Regarding making plans though, I honestly feel like I'm twisting his arm sometimes. One time (a few weeks ago) I asked him to get together on a weekend (since we both work during the week and we're about 50 minutes apart the weekend is really the only time to get together). He said on the Saturday he was busy all day coaching, so I texted back "Oh that's fine I have plans anyway, but I'm free Sunday!" (We had the Monday off) and he said something to the effect of "I have a meeting with a student". I stopped responding after that because you, I and everyone we know KNOW that's the most polite blow off ever! Ten minutes later he texts again "But it might not be this weekend I have to check, and it's only until 10 anyway" So I think I said something like "Well you let me know when you find out" and there was another lull, which I assumed we were done for the night. Twenty minutes later he sends me "I'm excited to see you" with the usual kiss emoticons he uses.

 

That's the best example I have of 90% of our interactions where I'm positive he's blowing me off or doesn't want to get together and then out of no where, unprompted came through with that he was excited to see me.

 

Also, about a month ago he suggested that we delete all of our dating websites. So we've been "dating each other only" for about a month and all of this "arm twisting" is still occurring (Which I would understand if he was still dating around, but he's not) We've hung out basically every weekend since we started (physically/in person) seeing each other. We take turns spending the night at each other's places. A few weeks ago I met his roommate and his roommates girlfriend (we went to brunch and kind of hung out for the day). So I'm pretty confident he DOES like me, and that he's not seeing anyone else, which makes his lack of planning and almost indecisiveness when I ask about plans that much more peculiar.

 

I've brought up me planning everything a few times: the first time he didn't even realize I had made all the plans and assured me he wanted to see me, the next time he made some comment about not being used to having to plan with another person in mind and joked that he was "keeping me on my toes" (when I admitted "hey uhm I'm not used to this and I'm used to guys who want to see me acting like they WANT to see me"). He also told me that if he didn't want to see me he wouldn't agree.

 

We had a huge snowstorm that cancelled our plans last weekend, but he came to me Monday and shoveled out my car and everything. Then he came up this weekend, but just today, he was here, and now at this point I try to make the plans in person because via text is just agonizing and it's easier to read him. I said "oh next weekend I'll come to you" and he sits there staring off mumbling to himself as if he's trying to figure out if he's free and I'm just sitting there like "..." and he responds with his usual "it should be good, but I'll double check" (which I always have to remind him and ask him anyway), but then threw in that he's got a dinner on Friday night otherwise he would have just had me come then (which is a day earlier than we usually do).

 

I'm getting advice from all sides, that that's how he is, he does things differently because he's not from America originally, he's a great guy, you're going to scare him off if you bring things up and put pressure on him, etc.

 

Like I said earlier, I've had "relationships" that have developed and crumbled in less time than I've known this guy and I knew SO much more about them. I feel like conversations about relationships and expectations and whatnot are for whatever reason not as natural and forthcoming with him as they are with anyone else I've met. I wish that weren't the case because while I'm not ready to ask/answer the are we a "couple" question, I do want to touch base with where this is going/feel confident enough that I can express what I need from him. I don't know if I'm reading too far into his lack of initiation, but at the end of most of our get togethers I have that nagging "Am I ever going to see him again?" feeling, which I feel like after two months I shouldn't have.

 

Also, I truly don't think he sees anything wrong and I think he's happy with us and probably thinks things are going fantastically, he's said (via text) before that I "get him" and that I "make him smile", etc. Even my most truthful, cut and dry friends who are always the first to be like "yeah he's not into you" are baffled by his behavior.

 

I suppose my questions are:

 

1. Am I reading too far into this? If I'm being honest, he's much more expressive through text than verbally in person, but if he's agreeing to get together and I'm meeting people in his life after we've been dating for two months and "only dating each other" for one should I try to stop feeling so insecure/he's not that into you or am I just not seeing that he's not into me?

 

2. Any tips to get him to communicate more without it seeming like a big talk/big to do? We're usually out and about so it's just idle chit chat about what we're looking at, etc. and if we're at home, he's usually got some program on and I suppose I feel a little odd to just turn it off and be like "let's talk"

 

3. Has anyone here ever dated someone exclusively without the boyfriend or girlfriend title (which came later?) How do you transition from dating exclusively to being a couple? I feel like I'm in this grey area where we are a couple without the "couple" title (which was reassuring in the beginning, but as we get deeper I'm not sure how to bring up the "what are we?" discussion)

[kevinm]

1. Yes, you're over analyzing. Give the guy a break. Teachers are some of the busiest people I know. His actions seem very sincere and it's clear he's making efforts to carve time out of his schedule for you.

 

2. If you want a deep conversation, then set the mood for that. However, at 2 months he may not want to talk about "us" he may just want to figure out what "us" is all about... if that makes sense. Pressuring him into the talk about "where are we going" and "am I your girlfriend" and so forth are questions that may aggravate him if he doesn't feel the need to try and define the relationship right now. I'd say as long as you guys continue to make plans and are exclusive, this is a good sign that things are moving in the direction you desire.

 

3. Why are you so concerned about the label? Just let go of the idea that the relationship you have needs this hard and fast definition. Take it easy, slow down a bit. You could easily scare him away with such talk.

 

Overall, what I see is you're putting him under the microscope. No man likes to be there. Give him some slack, don't worry about defining your relationship, and just allow the relationship to develop organically. There are definitely going to be some cultural differences. This I can tell you from first hand experience. People from the UK are like people were here back in the 1950s. It's a very polite society. Try not to stress so much about what he says, how fast it takes him to respond, or if he's into you. Of course he's into you! Right now, and not to be mean... but you sound like a very high maintenance type of person. One who needs constant reassurance. Don't let your insecurities get the best of you. You can't predict the future, so quit trying. In my opinion, this guy sounds pretty rad actually.

 

If the planning factor bothers you, just set up a clear schedule. I pick this weekend, you pick the next. Don't complain about what he picks out. If you're always planning elaborate weekends and he's always planning low-key dinners... he'll get the hint soon enough. Or after a couple of his low-key weekends just tell him that you'd like to get out of town and break the routine a bit.

[FlashEng1]

akrngrl, what is your new tactic/strategy??

 

What is this new experience you're wanting to have?? With everything I've read (which... goodness, is a read!) I would certainly work on slowing down much more with dating.. Which includes your thinking as well. To do this, you must preoccupy your mind with your own plans and meetups. You must spend as much (if not three times, or twice as much) time building and working on other relationships/friendships, social circles, hobbies, etc.. This way your mind can spend just as much time thinking and doing otherwise, and less worrying so much over the dynamics of dating, in the ways you continue to do so... especially after 2 months!!!! (If I Read That Correctly??)

 

1. I believe you are. He's into you. However, if he's not giving you the type of attention or replies you're desiring, maybe he's not the one for you.. Rather than taking an insecure/needy route, ask yourself if this is the case, and work it out for yourself.. It's okay to want to be called and text messaged every morning and night.. It's not okay to date a man who isn't this way with the hopes of changing him to do so..

 

2. I'm not sure what you're currently communicating with him... At 2 months, things should STILL be fresh, exciting, and very casual.. In my humble opinion, you should be excited to go on another date, filled with nonstop talks about your dreams and passions, or sharing some past experiences with the other person... At 2 months of dating, again in my humble opinion, you should not be worried about miscommunicating a big "talk" in that sense.

 

3. Yes I have. But I'm not sure my situation will help yours, it's much different 2 months in for you than myself. I feel you can get this answered, as well as #2 tonight by giving him a call and asking him. If he runs, you have your answer, and not only was it a dodged bullet, but clearly everything you've been led to believe up until now would have been a lie?

[akrngrl]

@KevinM Thank you! I guess the biggest issue right now is that I'm the one asking him to get together all of the time. I honestly don't think he would ask me to get together if I left it up to him, which in the past has always meant a lack of interest. A lot of people, on this website in particular, always say look at their actions not their words and in this case his actions (or lack there of) would normally be a red flag, but he's saying (texting) all the right things.

 

I had even asked him how often he likes to see people he's dating/girlfriends (I know I need to see someone in that capacity at least once a week, barring a unique event) just to make sure that my once a week planning wasn't too much for him, making us incompatible. He had responded vaguely with "usually more, but we're busy people", which led me to the mindset of "it's safe to assume I'll see you every week unless otherwise is stated". I guess it just feels so unsettling when he seems so unsure, I don't need constant reassurance, but it would be nice if he expressed enthusiasm or happiness about getting together (it's just always like "mmm yeah, that might work, I'll double check" and then he never gets back to me on his own, I always have to text like a day or two before and say "So are we all good for tomorrow/this weekend?")

 

I guess when I said "planning" it does sound like the actual events of the get together, but I meant it more as him just saying "Hey let's get together this weekend!" or "Hey what are you doing on Saturday, why don't you come over?". I'm always the one to be like "So....this weekend..."

 

Half of my family is from the UK and they generally, don't show very much enthusiasm towards anything, even if they are happy about it (not sure if it's JUST my family or in general) so I do try to take it with a grain of salt. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't "making excuses" and finding reasons that he might like me.

[akrngrl]

@ FlashEng1 the new strategy was not jumping into a committed relationship in under a few weeks of knowing the person. So on the one hand I'm grateful, but on the other it's foreign to me. Asking a guy on a date in general is out of my normal comfort zone, let alone continuously initiating every get together that I've had with someone. Granted he does accept, but like I had stated, it's not without a decent amount of finagling on my part and never by him asking me first. I am in the teaching profession as well, and I am a planner by nature. I like to have my week tentatively planned out. Being that we only have weekends and that's been "our routine" I do give priority to him. Maybe I shouldn't do that, but that is why I like to know early on in the week if he's available and wanting to see me so that if he is busy with something I can accept plans from my friends (they usually like to know mid week for the weekend). I guess also because I've experienced/given the same/similar indecisive remarks that he's giving me now before and it has always meant that they other person/myself wasn't interesting, but were being polite.

 

As for question 2, I honestly, a lot of it is centered around his interests. I guess a way to describe him is very worldly and into athletics where I on the other hand, am very into DIY/sewing/I run my own business on the side of my actual job. I make the effort to learn about what he likes and watch the shows that he chooses (which he always seems to do) when we're together. He thinks what I do is neat, but hasn't expressed much interest past that, which is fine. I know it's not for everyone and I'm also not one to push it on others. If they have questions and want to see stuff, awesome I'll share, but if it's just a passing curiosity that's cool too.

[ParisPaulette]

I'm getting advice from all sides, that that's how he is, he does things differently because he's not from America originally, he's a great guy, you're going to scare him off if you bring things up and put pressure on him, etc.

 

First, this is bullcrap. Men and women are men and women. I've dated guys from the UK, South America, Russia, and pretty much everywhere come to think of it except maybe Antarctica. Those with manners make plans with you, make time to see you, keep dates, and for at least the first 3 to 6 months are massively interested in everything you have to say, no matter how inane, if they are really interested and it's all clicking. Those who don't have manners, are seeing other people, are losing interest or not that interested to begin with don't. Period. Where they're from has got exactly zero to do with it.

 

And when you see red flags or it's not working for you it's time to stop dating and move on until you find someone who is. A few weeks in is still way too early. You need to be willing to date someone for a few months, long enough to see if you're even compatible, and to be willing to walk away if you aren't or you see red flags. Yes, it's good you're aware that insta-relationshipping things has been a bad thing. Now it's time to get aware that settling for the first halfway okay guy, ignoring red flags or behaviors you don't like and trying to find "reasonable explanations" instead of just deciding if it's something you're okay with or not, and moving on if it isn't, is kind of the next step.

 

Both of you sound like you're kind of just dating each other, because no one else has come along. Either do that and realize this isn't a relationship in the making, because seriously you want someone who is interested in you and your interests too--at least to the point of making some effort--or end things and move on and see who else is out there.

 

Trying to hold onto something simply because it's all you think you have is the wrong answer. This doesn't sound like it's working and it wouldn't even if he was American as apple pie. BTW the guys I dated from the UK had some of the best manners and social graces as well as expressing interest in me and my interests I ever met, if you want to categorize them in some way. Sorry, it's not him being from the UK at all. I'd say it's that you're both lukewarm on each other and trying to kind of fit round pegs into square holes.

 

Either be willing to date the guy a few months or admit this isn't what you want or need and just move on. There is nothing wrong in that. He sounds like an all right guy for the right person, but you may very well not be that person and vice versa.

 

Plus yeah, he needs to do some of the planning at least, not passively sit back and let you do all the work. Pull back, stop planning, see if he steps up to the plate a bit more. Or plan something else with someone else and move on.

[akrngrl]

@parispaulette

 

Thank you for your input! I didn't think his background was an excuse, but I was treading lightly in case I really just had no clue.

 

The initiation is the biggest thing right now for me. I'm used to being "chased" more or less and also showered with affection. But like I said those were all "insta-relationships" and they fizzled as quickly as they came about. So I wasn't sure if I was judging by "insta-relationship" expectations and making something out of nothing.

 

I do hate that he never initiates wanting to see me. To be fair, I suppose I don't give him a chance anymore (getting an idea of the next weekend the weekend before) because I just can't bring myself to sit there and wait all week long. My gut tells me that he would either ignore it completely and on Sunday make a comment about not having seen me OR plan at the last minute on a Friday or Saturday morning where I'd be inclined to say no for the sole reason that it wasn't soon enough for my liking.

 

I think the problem is that I do really like him and I just feel "inadequate" since I'm not getting that "reassurance" that he likes me in the form of him expressing a want to see me before I express it to him.

 

Online dating is my only opportunity to meet people. I'm in an extremely rural area and work with all older females. I guess since we communicated a month ago about disabling everything, I feel like I can't just set up a dating site again without telling him (if the tables were turned and I found out that he just went back on without telling me, after a mutual agreement we wouldn't, I'd be pissed). So I'm not sure how to bring it up without sounding like I no longer want to see him at all.

 

I guess it's annoying too because when I've called people on shady actions they've ALWAYS fessed up to me "yeah not into it" or whatever, but he didn't want the dating sites active anymore, he wanted to focus on me and when I did call him on his actions (once- just so I don't look crazy needy) he's apologized, told me he does want to see me and assured me that he was "into it"

[janut1]

You need to stop being so pushy and you need to stop planning everything. I say let it go with planning all together. If he sees that you stop taking all the control and planning everything you might actually give him the opportunity to step up.

 

It seems that you are rushing things, pushing things and really just over doing it all. I wouldn't like this type of relationship at all. If I was that stressed at 2 months about what we are and what we are doing, I would stop seeing him altogether. Its way over the top.

 

You said you are used to instant relationships and I think you are pushing for that in this one even if you think you are doing it differently. Obviously you are already having sex with him, so the attachment is there already. But relax a bit and let him take the reins for awhile, see what he does when you totally back off on the " so This weekend" comments. Make plans with your friends instead and if he asks to do something, let him know you already made plans since you didn't hear from him. See what he does with that.

 

Stop making plans and see if he steps up. If not, then you should just move on.

[akrngrl]

@janut1 thank you, I understand what you're saying. I think it's hard for me because like I said I give him weekend priority so all my friends know that and we get together on Friday's (do to that and then they spend the weekend with their significant others). Im also awesome at multi-tasking having fun while subconsciously stressing out (I hate it) so even though I make plans with my friends if he's being elusive it's still in the back of my mind somewhere. I did plan for this weekend already as I said so I guess I'll have to leave it alone for V-Day weekend, which though I'll be twice as anxious next week, if he doesn't ask to see me I suppose it'll be that much more telling.

[skern]

I can feel the anxiety you are putting yourself under. You definitely need to try to back off and not let your thoughts get away from you. Have worked on this difficulty before with clients, and there are a number of simple things you can start to initiate if you want to schedule a quick 15 minute session to get you on the right track.

 

You do need to trust yourself and value yourself. I do get the feeling he is interested in you, but his interest and yours are not currently aligned. As long as the relationship brings you more peace and happiness than grief, I wouldn't worry about official "titles". There are plenty of relationships out there where people are 'boyfriend/girlfriend' or 'husband/wife' but the title is not what guarantees the strength or commitment of the individuals in the relationship, it is the individuals despite what the titles are.

[akrngrl]

@skern thank you and you're right. I guess that I feel like the "title" means he's less likely to just disappear and then Im also not wrong for wanting to see him once a week.

 

As much as I hate the planning and me initiating, I guess I didn't look at it as "I'm doing too much" since the other six days he's reaching out and contacting me. I've just been frustrated at his (what I'm assuming) lack of desire to set up time face to face.

[janut1]

When he figures out that you aren't planning the weekends like you always do, the question is, will he step up? It may take him a couple of weeks to get it though, as I have found some guys don't really feel somethings different like we would until it happens a couple times.

 

Also, its great that he talks to you everyday, that means he is thinking of you. Just take a couple steps back and try to relax. I know its hard. I go through the same thing too. I've been dating my BF for almost 11 months and I still get anxious if we don't have plans. I am working on that though and realize that I have to give up control of trying to make things happen. I do find that I am more relaxed if I know we have plans ahead of time. I think some of us, like you and me, have to work at getting through this anxiety day by day. It can be real hard, but in the long run there is absolutely no guarantees in life.

 

I have realized in my life that titles mean absolutely nothing. You can be married and they can leave, you can be BF/GF and they can leave. Really, there is no commitment in a title, its more about the commitment to each other. You can read all about break ups and divorces here, it happens no matter what title you have.

 

Keep up posted! Feel free to PM me if you get anxious and need to talk to someone who knows what its like.

[akrngrl]

@janut1 thank you, I really appreciate the offer! I will definitely keep you posted. Though I technically did ask him to hang out this upcoming weekend no concrete plans as far as time were made. So I've decided not to question it like I normally do around Friday (i.e.: what time should I come tomorrow?) and I'll leave it in his court to bring it up and let me know.

 

I think it'll take a few weeks too, which is agony because it seems so simple to us. I really feel like he's in a bubble rather than "not interested". I have to battle that "OMG he didn't do it the first time it means he's clearly not into me" feeling when it does occur.

 

I'm so a planner, also probably because I live 90% of my life in sloth mode and I need serious notice if I have to look like a semi-decent human being for a fella haha. I wish I could just hang around and be effortlessly ready if he were to text me on a Saturday morning, but realistically I'm in old sweats on the couch with no makeup watching x files on Netflix

[LaurieBlue12]

Hi Akrngrl, we've either dated the exact same person (are you in CT, by chance?) or have the exact same story (the professor from the UK who's been here nearly a decade, the eager text language without action to back it up, only getting together on certain days of the week, never making plans himself, etc). I browse the forums on occasion but actually registered so I could reply here. In my case, the whole deal ended rather badly when it became clear that I was merely an option (although, I always doubted his capacity to really care for another person, so the flaw might have been his).

[akrngrl]

@LaurieBlue12 I'm not in the CT area and as far as I know he hasn't been in the Northeast, but oh my goodness that's strikingly similar! Maybe it's a professor from the UK in the US trait haha. I'm so sorry it ended poorly, but I definitely know what you mean about being an option. Normally I feel that way with guys when they're dating other women, but with him I feel like it's more of "if I see you cool, if not I can work out/lay around/stay busy/etc. so that's cool too".