Confused by ex's behaviour (Long)

[peacemakesplenty]

My ex gf's behaviour since we split has confused me. We were together over 2 years and were engaged to be married (in fact she still wears my engagement ring on her right hand). We had a very bad New Year when I was incredibly insensitive to her needs and feelings. This led to us not talking for several weeks in January, something that wasn't too unusual as we are both stubborn people and neither of us back down too easily. Out of the blue towards the end of January she rang to tell me that she had met someone else. This surprised me as she had not told me before the call that the relationsip was over.

 

I realised that I felt more for her than I imagined. I told her how I felt and that I realised that I had been selfish and insensitive but she told me she wasn't interested as she was happy with her new bf.

 

About 2 weeks ago I went round again to her house and I was invited in for coffee and then went browsing some local shops together. We got on fine, so in the evening I called her and suggested I come down with a bottle of wine. She said no that was something she did with the boyfriend and not with me. I also managed to upset her by suggesting that her new relastionship wouldn't last - at which point she hung up on me. I decided to take some flowers round to say sorry. She wasn't too pleased to see me but took the flowers with some reluctance and agreed that I could come round the following day again.

 

I went round the next day and found her on the point of going out. She didn't want to see me but let me in anyway (as a matter of fact since she knew the time I would be going round she could easily have avoided me all together). I could see she was upset-even though she pretended she wasn't- and it turned out her oldest daughter was giving her problems again. I didn't want to leave her in that state so I said I would stay with her until her younger daughter came home from school. I gave her a CD I had bought which she accepted and I noticed she had put the flowers I gave her in a vase, which I wasn't expecting as I had expected her to throw them away. We went out again and had another good time together

I rang her that evening and she was really pleased to hear from me and said some very positive things about me.

 

I tried to contact her over the weekend and had no replies to my calls. I again went round to her place but this time her attitude was different. I wasn't to call her she was happy with the bf-basically I was to leave her alone. She did however lend me some DVDs, saying I could put them through her letterbox when I was finished with them, which is something she knows I wouldn't do. I also gave her an ornament she had liked when we went out. Again she accepted which surprised me as I know her well enough to know that if she hadn't really wanted it she wouldn't have accepted it. I recently found out that she did think about taking it back, but again she didn't.

 

After this I was prepared to call it quits and leave her alone. But 2 days later I had a phone call in work from her early in the morning when she knew it was more than likely to be me that she talked to. Again she told me she wasn't interested in getting back together, but I had to call her back 2 hours later she was prepared to talk to me instead of just putting the phone down-which is again what I expected.

 

I have had no contact with her since then. I realise that I have to respect what she is saying to me about me not contacting her. I did send her a Valentine's Day card but I got no response from that. I have been given the impression that her new relationship is not going too well, but I do not know for certain. She has only been going out with the bf for about 6 weeks and I would guess that it is a rebound thing. It just seems too soon for things to be going wrong already. Again just my interpretation of some things I have been told.

 

Like I said I am going to leave her alone. I would still like to have back but I am not counting on it. I do know that getting her back or finding someone new is more or less the same thing.

 

Anybody have any thoughts on my situation?

[arwen]

Hey Peacemakesplenty,

 

First off, welcome on enotalone.com!

 

About your situation: to be honest I am glad to hear that you have decided to leave her alone. You admitted yourself that you did not respect her wishes of having no contact.

 

Let me shed some light on her 'inconsistent' behaviour towards you. I think it might bring things in perspective for you. You seem to be clinging on to the fact that she first refuse to talk you, then except your flowers, then ... etc.

 

I think you contacting her is confusing to her. The two of you have a history. When you have loved someone, no matter how bad they have hurt you, it will make most people sad to hurt that someone when the loved one tries to contact you. I have been there with a very complicated long-term ex of mine. It was only this summer that I found the power to say that I really wasn't up for speaking to him. Before that, I would always be overwhelmed by my old feelings and unable to disappoint him. I would feel so terribly sorry, because he is still, and always will be, a very weak spot in my heart.

 

She is not hating you. I don't think she has any ideas of getting back with you at this point. I think you should not contact her because at this point, it's really too difficult to process all what happened between you at the same time as handling contact in the present.

 

In order to move on, she will need closure. This does not mean she will never contact you again. But let her contact you when she is ready.

 

To illustrate this from my experience with that infamous ex: I told him really literally to let ME contact him. I was totally confused after having spend an evening catching up with him (this was because I finally heard the truth on some sensitive subjects between him and me). And AGAIN a few weeks later he emailed me. In such an arrogant manner. He literally wrote that he assumed it would be ok that he emailed me, and expected me to answer. I didn't.

 

This one email from him, has ruined any chance for him to ever have contact me again (we are long past the point of getting back together, he wants to be friends and I don't, that's the issue). To me it is clear that he will never give me the respect that I deserve.

 

Hope this gave you some perspectives,

 

Ilse

[twizod]

This girl has something in common with her daughter....they both have the same emotional maturity. Not to belittle her too much but she wants her cake and eat it, too. You gotta respect yourself along with her wishes and give her exactly what she wants......you wanting her back. This is a rebound so don't contact her. She'll wonder why you aren't begging and pleading and "give" you the time of day to talk. You need to either back off 100% and after a few weeks it'll drive her crazy or come after her extremely hard, prepared to get turned down, then back off completely and leave a big void. I hate to say this but treat her like a 13 yr old b/c she is acting that way from what you are saying.

(in fact she still wears my engagement ring on her right hand).

+This means she is either playing with you or not emotionally ready to move on

This led to us not talking for several weeks in January, something that wasn't too unusual as we are both stubborn people and neither of us back down too easily.

+Stubborn? In a relationship this kind of immature action will kill it off quickly. Pride has no room in a relationship, man.

This surprised me as she had not told me before the call that the relationsip was over.

+I don't think she is gonna break up with you till she has found someone else. Women kill me for this but it seems a majority break it off after a fling/new guy/cheated.

I realised that I felt more for her than I imagined.

+You realized this b/c you want something that is not there anymore. This is a normal reaction just control it.

I also managed to upset her by suggesting that her new relastionship wouldn't last

+Never talk about anything serious if you want her back. Keep it light and simple. Only talk about funny/entertaining/gossip stuff.

I tried to contact her over the weekend and had no replies to my calls. I again went round to her place but this time her attitude was different.

+Isn't this a bit much? You need to be patient and wait for her to call you back. Don't just call, call, call, stop by...stalk? Be patient. Good things come to those who wait.

Like I said I am going to leave her alone.

+Good!!! Give her all the space she has been wanting and when she has it she'll be so sick of it she'll eventually call you back!!!

Dude, this is definitely a rebound but you gotta have the philosophy "You want what you can't have" So don't give her attention, don't send her anything, just do No Contact and it'll drive her crazy wondering where you went. If she calls keep it light, happy, and NEVER give her the impression you are depressed/lonely/have nothing to do. She has so much with you that this new guy can't compare to that. They have no history. Don't sweat it and have a little faith.

[peacemakesplenty]

Thanks for the speedy replies.

 

I have pretty much decided to leave her alone. Before I posted I had spent some time on these forums and realised that my response to the breakup was an attempt to control her and that the best thing I could do was to respect what she was saying andleave her alone and let her contact me- if she wants to again.

 

I was/am confused by the inconsistancy of her behaviour. She is a strong willed type of girl and she is more than capable of refusing to accept my gifts etc. If I had annoyed her as much as she says I have, or what I was doing was completely unwelcome she would have thrown them back at me rather than accept them in the first place.

 

I have thought long and hard about whether or not I miss the ex for the person she is, or whether I just missed being part of a relationship or just wanting something I can't have. Truth is I miss her for being the person she is faults and all.

[vhshowdown]

your post sounds all too familiar to me. Kind of what i am goin thru myself, the EX sending mixed messages, got a new bf, etc... calls me up like she misses me, or whatever, but has new bf. Like she is missing something from the new bf.... probably is.

 

Everyone on here has been great. i too feel like you should give NC a chance for awhile. I think you are making the right choice here. It is hard at first, trust me I know, but it will do both of you guys some good. Let her date her new bf, chances are it is a rebound, it isnt gonna work, but let her find out in her own way. Put the shoe on the other foot, would you want her coming over all the time if you were trying to see someone new, chances are, you wouldnt.

 

But be strong, use this time to reflect, and better yourself as a person, then you will be in a better position to possible get her back down the road, if you still feel that way about her.......

 

good luck in the future to you.

[peacemakesplenty]

Regarding the NC with ex. Her daughter has her birthday in a couple of days. I became very fond of her while we were together. Would sendng her a birthday card be a good idea or would that be breaking the NC? I would very much like to send her one, and at the end of the day her daughter has nothing to do with the end of the relationship.

[peacemakesplenty]

Well its been a while since I posted, and the support and advice that has been given here has seen me through-until the ex managed to confuse me again. I have been doing the NC thing (with one exception which got no response) and have generally been getting on with things. Its been hard, and I still miss her but life was starting to move on slowly.

 

I had to break NC yesterday because there was a financial matter that the ex and I have to settle (and may yet cause problems). I was expecting a short difficult discussion but we ended up talking for about an hour.

 

No talk about the relationship-or her new bf although he was mentioned in passing-just general work, kids stuff. She told me she was happier than she had been in months but discussed in detail the problems she was having with her oldest daughter-in so much detail I wonder whether she has actually talked it through with her new bf or anybody else.

 

The confusing part for me about this is that 3 weeks ago I was told not to contact her in any way at all and she has certainly made no effort to contact me. Then an unexpected hour long conversation when I was expecting it to be short, awkward and difficult. I also said that I would contact her in a little while if she didn't mind, and she just left a meaningful silence-and didn't say no, mind you she didn't say yes either. She also finished the call with a sign of affection something she hasn't done since the split.

 

So where to go from here? I'd appreciate any thoughts as I still hope for a reconcilliation and I am looking for any signs that it may occur. I also need to have my feet kept on the ground. So anyone have any ideas about what is going on?

[rickcarlisle]

Peace!

 

Hey man, you're in a tough spot. I think it was great that you kept up the NC. But I think you're reading into this the wrong way. Try not to analyze her reactions so deeply, it'll drive you C R A Z Y! It seems like she is trying to get the message accross that she is doing ok with her current bf, and that she isn't interested in persuing anyhitng with you right now. Again, considering this is a rebound relationship she's in, I doubt it's going to work (she probably knows that in the back of her mind). I understand you're looking for reconciliation, but wait for her to meet you to that point. As far as your deep, hour long conversation, she knows she can talk to you about her kids because you care. You were with her for two years which means you know her kids well, at least better than her current bf. Don't worry peace, you sound like a good guy. Just worry about yourself and let HER sort out HER problems. It's important that she finds out that you aren't always going to be there for her.

[peacemakesplenty]

Thanks for the reply.

 

I can't help but get the idea that she is throwing out mixed signals. As I mentioned 3 weeks ago she told me to completely leave her alone, and I wouldn't have contacted her if I hadn't had to. Given the matter I was calling about the last thing I expected was an hour long call-she even apologised for being defensive at the start of the conversation even though I was expecting it. In fact I was actually expecting an argument.

 

Another thing that surprised me was that she didn't seem to want to bring the call to an end. Her youngest daughter tried to get her attention several times during the call but she continued to talk to me despite this and she wouldn't have ignored her if she wanted to end the conversation she would have used it as an excuse instead.

 

The end of the conversation was not what I expected either. I did not expect her to leave an open ended silence when I asked if I could call again-i expected her to say no-I didn't expect a sign of affection either.

 

I am over analysing her actions but that is because she is not doing what I expect her to do given the situation. I have spoken to friends about the recent contact and even they are confused by what she is doing.

 

It seems that the NC has worked up to a point and I have no intentions of returning to my behaviour of a few weeks ago-continually calling, turning up unannounced etc. I promised her that I would not try to interfere with her relationship with the new bf. Frankly its none of my business, and for my own peace of mind its somewhere I don't want to go. I think she is aware that it is a rebound relationship. Soon after the split she even said as much. For what its worth I think its a rebound relationship as well.

 

The other members who have been good enough to reply also seem to be suggesting that sooner or later she will be in contact again, which is what I still want. I also think (although I am not completely sure) that sooner or later she will contact me again even though she is showing no signs of wanting to do so at the moment.

 

Much as I want to take advantage of what seems to be an unspoken invitation to call her again I guess the sensible thing-for me and for any possible future reconcilliation-is to go back to NC and wait to see how things work out. Time will tell.

 

Thanks again.