peacemakesplenty

Iam...You are making perfect sense. It seems like you have already been through all this and experience is a great teacher. Since May when I last posted I did go back into NC, just as I said I would. It was broken by her about 2 weeks ago. I am not convinced that NC is the right thing to do now, if I want to get back together with her. It was her suggestion that that we keep in touch yesterday and it is something that I want to do. What you have said about giving her space makes a lot of sense. I think that she is beginning to think about me more often, but I have to give her the time to miss me and to look forward to talking and being with me again. If I do too much too soon, or push too hard I could end blowing it. THe b/f remains a concern. She went out of her way to tell me that he was p***ing her off. I didn't ask and have no interest in the relationship. I do suspect that her recent actions suggest that he is no longer the "blue eyed boy" he once was though. I am still not prepared to play second fiddle. I have come a long way in 6 months, but that does not mean that I wouldn't try again if the chance arose. Time as always will tell. Good luck with your relationship. I hope it works out for you.

In some ways I completely agree with what you are saying and I completely agree with where you are coming from. If it was anybody else in this position I would be givng exactly the same advice. The b/f is, I think, on his way out. It has been and always will be a rebound relationship which is, based on what she has told me, on the point of breaking. But yes-and I get your point-she is still with him. The simple fact is that I have been doing NC, it is the Ex that continually breaks it. Which suggests to me that I am not the only one who has not moved on. I see no reason to be unfriendly towards her, and I don't really feel like her lap dog-I'm doing no more or less than I would do for any of my friends. THis time around I am more concerned with why she is doing what she is doing. For example In May she wouldn't meet for coffe, but a little over 4 weeks later lunch is ok? Whats the difference? What has changed for her? My ex is also a very private person and the things that she is discussing with me suggest that she is letting me back in. I am aware that she still has a b/f, and as long as he is in the picture I will be exceptionally careful about the whole thing. I guess what I would like to know is whether she is still interested in me or not. Her actions recently seem to say that she is, we have more contact in the past week than the previous 6 months-and its pretty obvious I guess that I'm still interested in her. I haven't tried to discuss rekindling the relationship either. It is not the right time. I won't either while there is a b/f around. I understand what you say about being busy but when she contacted me last week I did not rush around. In fact I deliberately waited a few days before going around. She made the transition to the new b/f months ago. I don't think that is something I have to worry about. What I do worry about is making the transition from the b/f easy for her. Another point: How does she feel doing all these things with me when she has a b/f? She's not exactly cheating on him as such but I doubt if he would be happy to know I had been around to her place late in the evening or that she is having late night chats with me when he's not around. In fact maybe it is a way of cheating on him. I doubt if I'm going to go into full NC but I will back off some. I think that she has started to realise what she is missing. It won't do any harm to let her think some more will it?

I hope nobody minds but I've reused this thread as it gives some background to what has happened between me and the ex recently. As always, I could use some opinions as to what she is up to. As I said in my last post following my ex's behaviour I went back into NC until she contacted me again a little under two weeks ago. My ex contacted me regarding a problem she was having that was so trivial ( and that she didn't need my help for) it seemed like a reason just to contact me. I was so convinced she just wanted to make contact that a few days later I sent her a birthday card just to see what would happen. To my surprise she contacted me on the evening of her birthday and we ended up texting each other for over an hour. There was no further contact for exactly a week unti she contacts me again to tell mne that there is mail for me at her house and would I like to collect it or have it forwarded. I decided to go and pick it up and went to her house just over a week ago to pick it up. We got on well and talked, and she told-without my asking as I had decided that talking about her b/f and my recent ex was not something I was prepared to do-about the things the b/f was doing that was making her unhappy. She did not say "unhappy" but that was the impression I got. We later went out and had lunch together which we both enjoyed. On Tuesday of this week she rings me to help her with a computer problem and I go around to help out. We had a few beers, she makes me pizza and we talk again for a couple of hours until I decide that it is time to go. Yesterday, she has a job interview and I sent her a text to wish her luck. She didn't respond to that so I rang after the interview but she didn't answer her phone. Later on in the evening she rang saying that she didn't want to answer earlier as she wanted peace and privacy before she talked to me. We were on the phone for over an hour and it went well. As the call ended she asked me to keep in touch so said I'd ring her in the week. However, she was not able to tell me what she was working this week (she works shifts) but did drop hints. I sent her a text this morning but she hasn't replied. After little contact for months all of a sudden she seems to be back in my life and she seems to be letting me in again. There has been no talk of getting back together-but she knows that I still care for her and her actions are giving me the impression that she wants me back in her life. Any ideas or suggestions as to what is going on? I know I would like to get back with her but I need to keep my feet on the ground and not get carried away with the whole situation.

I get your point and can see why I'm currently giving the impression that I am needy. The whole thing has stirred up things that would better have been left alone. But in spite of the impression I have given I have moved on. What I am trying to do is generally work out is what is going on and why. The meaning of the text message she sent me that I posted was not originally mine, it was suggested by a friend and I thought it was worth having other peoples opinions on it. As I mentioned in my OP I was only going to meet up with her as a friend. I had no intention of trying to get back together. I wasn't even sure that I would want to see her again after that. If my ex had picked up vibes (which I did not give) that I wanted to be more than friends, I do not think that she would have even agreed to meet up with me in the first place. As I mentioned in the OP I am trying to understand why, when given several opportunities to back out, she did so only 5 minutes before before we were due to meet. I do not think it was only about hurting the bf, I think there may have been other reasons as well. The reason I posted in the first place was to get other peoples opinions as I know I have a tendency to over analyse things. I learnt my lessons in the first few weeks after we split and will certainly not be chasing her again. The ex does not know anything about the way I am currently feeling-unless she frequents this site, which is unlikely. I am trying to work through both my own feelings and trying to make sense of what has just happened, precisely so that I do not go and do something I regret. There have been no anguished texts, phone calls or emails to her. Nor will there be. I have been following the NC advice that I was given on this site and I will continue to do that, not because I want her to come back, but because it helped me to move on. The events of the past few days haven't changed that. Remember she called me not the other way around. The few other times she has contacted me since the split have been via polite friendly text mesages. If we have contact again it will be because she has contacted me. I understand what you are saying about her being in a relationship-I am not prepared to play second fiddle to her bf anyway. Just doesn't interest me.

I undersand what you are both saying. Ironically enough, after I had asked her out for coffee I realised that it probably wasn't the best thing to do, but didn't back out of it through curiosity as much as anything. When we first split up I took it really badly. I had the sleepless nights etc. Although I realise that I am not quite over her yet, it is not taking over my life-it is more like an itch I can't scratch. What is puzzling me is why she agreed to meet up at all. When we split the ex said that to meet with me would be too much like cheating for it too happen-and yet until literally the last minute she seemed ok with the idea. I'm interested in what is going on in her head as even agreeing to meet in the first place was a complete 180 on what she had said only a few months ago. If I can come to sort of understanding to her motives then I will be in a better position to decide what to do for myself. I have moved on (maybe not as much as I thought) but after a long term relationship feelings linger on. Another thing that that got me was the wording of her text to me when she said she didn't want to "hurt" the bf. If she had said "the bf doesn't/wouldn't like it" then fair enough. But doesn't the word "hurt" suggest that she may have had something else on her mind other than just meeting up as friends? If things were really going well with the bf, especially after 4 months why would she still need me as a back up plan? If it was only 4 weeks well ok that I could understand.

I posted here soon after my ex split with me and the help I received helped me to understand the best way to deal with the breakup. I have not had contact with her for about 3 months and was moving on-I have even seen other girls in that time. On Monday the ex rings me and we ended up having a conversation for about an hour. She had done this before NC but it was obvious that she didn't want to get back with me then. The conversation lasted an hour and was light and friendly. We discussed work, family etc. She still had the (IMO rebound) bf and things were going ok with him. She also asked me if I was seeing anybody and I said I had been but wasn't at the moment. I asked her out for a coffee to catch up and she seemed really keen on the idea, even suggesting next week as it looked like it may have been difficult to meet up this week. However, we arranged to meet up on Wednesday. There was another phone call on Tuesday and again she seemed happy enough to meet me. However 5 minutes before we were due to meet on Wednesday she sent me a text saying that she was sorry to let me down, but that she wasn't prepared to hurt her bf. I sent a brief ok back and left it at that. When I asked her out for coffee I was expecting to meet up only as friends, I wasn't expecting anything else-she had made it clear that that was what she wanted. However, I find myself shaken by her behaviour, and I realise that I still have some feeings for her. Problem is I don't understand what she is up to. If she was afraid of hurting her bf why agree to see me in the first place, and why did she leave it until the last minute to cancel, when she could have done it before then? Has anybody any ideas what is going on? Is possible that she still has feelings for me after all this time? Or is she just playing mind games because I was moving on?

Your ex has just come out of a long term relationship with you. Even though she was the one that finished with you, she has to be hurting too. A year is a long time to commit yourself to someone and not feel anything at the end of it. A rebound relationship, is often more about making yourself feel better than anything else and a way of ignoring the negative feelings that come with the end of a relationship. Even if you are the one who does the dumping there is still a sense of loss that takes time to recover from. From my point of view it is too soon after your split to be anything else but a rebound for your ex. Thats my whole point I don't think she has forgotten about you. My ex went out with someone very soon after we split and is still doing so. However, it gives me pause for thought every time I think that this bf is more or less identical to me-same build, same height same colouring (goes without saying he isn't as good looking though!). He may even drive a similar type of car. To my mind my ex seems to be trying to replace me not forget me. Like I said earlier, at the moment you are not in a relationship with her and she is free to do whatever she chooses. It sucks I know I've been there (Still am). I understand that you are hurt by what she has done but it doesn't devalue the time that you had together in any way.The time the two of you had will always be yours and nothing she does now or in the future can take that away. At the moment you are in a similar situation to me. Do the NC thing. Take time for yourself. It does work. As you suggested to me give her something to miss. It may not get you back together but it will help to put things into perspective. Give her the space she needs. It might not seem like it now but it gets easier to deal with. It just takes time.

Hi My ex got together with someone soon after we split-if you have read my posts he is the new bf. It hurt and still does knowing that she is with someone else and is being intimate with him. But the thing is we are not together anymore and my ex-and yours-has the right to see whoever she wants to. Its upsetting but its true. If, like me, you would like to get back together at some point, it is something that you just have to accept as having happened. Try not to dwell on it. She hasn't forgotten you. Its possible that it is her way of trying to forget you-a rebound kind of thing. Do the NC thing. Try not to ask too many questions about what the ex is up to-she will probably do other things that you would prefer not to know about. Knowing too much about what she is doing will only upset you further.

Thanks for the reply. I can't help but get the idea that she is throwing out mixed signals. As I mentioned 3 weeks ago she told me to completely leave her alone, and I wouldn't have contacted her if I hadn't had to. Given the matter I was calling about the last thing I expected was an hour long call-she even apologised for being defensive at the start of the conversation even though I was expecting it. In fact I was actually expecting an argument. Another thing that surprised me was that she didn't seem to want to bring the call to an end. Her youngest daughter tried to get her attention several times during the call but she continued to talk to me despite this and she wouldn't have ignored her if she wanted to end the conversation she would have used it as an excuse instead. The end of the conversation was not what I expected either. I did not expect her to leave an open ended silence when I asked if I could call again-i expected her to say no-I didn't expect a sign of affection either. I am over analysing her actions but that is because she is not doing what I expect her to do given the situation. I have spoken to friends about the recent contact and even they are confused by what she is doing. It seems that the NC has worked up to a point and I have no intentions of returning to my behaviour of a few weeks ago-continually calling, turning up unannounced etc. I promised her that I would not try to interfere with her relationship with the new bf. Frankly its none of my business, and for my own peace of mind its somewhere I don't want to go. I think she is aware that it is a rebound relationship. Soon after the split she even said as much. For what its worth I think its a rebound relationship as well. The other members who have been good enough to reply also seem to be suggesting that sooner or later she will be in contact again, which is what I still want. I also think (although I am not completely sure) that sooner or later she will contact me again even though she is showing no signs of wanting to do so at the moment. Much as I want to take advantage of what seems to be an unspoken invitation to call her again I guess the sensible thing-for me and for any possible future reconcilliation-is to go back to NC and wait to see how things work out. Time will tell. Thanks again.

Well its been a while since I posted, and the support and advice that has been given here has seen me through-until the ex managed to confuse me again. I have been doing the NC thing (with one exception which got no response) and have generally been getting on with things. Its been hard, and I still miss her but life was starting to move on slowly. I had to break NC yesterday because there was a financial matter that the ex and I have to settle (and may yet cause problems). I was expecting a short difficult discussion but we ended up talking for about an hour. No talk about the relationship-or her new bf although he was mentioned in passing-just general work, kids stuff. She told me she was happier than she had been in months but discussed in detail the problems she was having with her oldest daughter-in so much detail I wonder whether she has actually talked it through with her new bf or anybody else. The confusing part for me about this is that 3 weeks ago I was told not to contact her in any way at all and she has certainly made no effort to contact me. Then an unexpected hour long conversation when I was expecting it to be short, awkward and difficult. I also said that I would contact her in a little while if she didn't mind, and she just left a meaningful silence-and didn't say no, mind you she didn't say yes either. She also finished the call with a sign of affection something she hasn't done since the split. So where to go from here? I'd appreciate any thoughts as I still hope for a reconcilliation and I am looking for any signs that it may occur. I also need to have my feet kept on the ground. So anyone have any ideas about what is going on?

Regarding the NC with ex. Her daughter has her birthday in a couple of days. I became very fond of her while we were together. Would sendng her a birthday card be a good idea or would that be breaking the NC? I would very much like to send her one, and at the end of the day her daughter has nothing to do with the end of the relationship.

Thanks for the speedy replies. I have pretty much decided to leave her alone. Before I posted I had spent some time on these forums and realised that my response to the breakup was an attempt to control her and that the best thing I could do was to respect what she was saying andleave her alone and let her contact me- if she wants to again. I was/am confused by the inconsistancy of her behaviour. She is a strong willed type of girl and she is more than capable of refusing to accept my gifts etc. If I had annoyed her as much as she says I have, or what I was doing was completely unwelcome she would have thrown them back at me rather than accept them in the first place. I have thought long and hard about whether or not I miss the ex for the person she is, or whether I just missed being part of a relationship or just wanting something I can't have. Truth is I miss her for being the person she is faults and all.

My ex gf's behaviour since we split has confused me. We were together over 2 years and were engaged to be married (in fact she still wears my engagement ring on her right hand). We had a very bad New Year when I was incredibly insensitive to her needs and feelings. This led to us not talking for several weeks in January, something that wasn't too unusual as we are both stubborn people and neither of us back down too easily. Out of the blue towards the end of January she rang to tell me that she had met someone else. This surprised me as she had not told me before the call that the relationsip was over. I realised that I felt more for her than I imagined. I told her how I felt and that I realised that I had been selfish and insensitive but she told me she wasn't interested as she was happy with her new bf. About 2 weeks ago I went round again to her house and I was invited in for coffee and then went browsing some local shops together. We got on fine, so in the evening I called her and suggested I come down with a bottle of wine. She said no that was something she did with the boyfriend and not with me. I also managed to upset her by suggesting that her new relastionship wouldn't last - at which point she hung up on me. I decided to take some flowers round to say sorry. She wasn't too pleased to see me but took the flowers with some reluctance and agreed that I could come round the following day again. I went round the next day and found her on the point of going out. She didn't want to see me but let me in anyway (as a matter of fact since she knew the time I would be going round she could easily have avoided me all together). I could see she was upset-even though she pretended she wasn't- and it turned out her oldest daughter was giving her problems again. I didn't want to leave her in that state so I said I would stay with her until her younger daughter came home from school. I gave her a CD I had bought which she accepted and I noticed she had put the flowers I gave her in a vase, which I wasn't expecting as I had expected her to throw them away. We went out again and had another good time together I rang her that evening and she was really pleased to hear from me and said some very positive things about me. I tried to contact her over the weekend and had no replies to my calls. I again went round to her place but this time her attitude was different. I wasn't to call her she was happy with the bf-basically I was to leave her alone. She did however lend me some DVDs, saying I could put them through her letterbox when I was finished with them, which is something she knows I wouldn't do. I also gave her an ornament she had liked when we went out. Again she accepted which surprised me as I know her well enough to know that if she hadn't really wanted it she wouldn't have accepted it. I recently found out that she did think about taking it back, but again she didn't. After this I was prepared to call it quits and leave her alone. But 2 days later I had a phone call in work from her early in the morning when she knew it was more than likely to be me that she talked to. Again she told me she wasn't interested in getting back together, but I had to call her back 2 hours later she was prepared to talk to me instead of just putting the phone down-which is again what I expected. I have had no contact with her since then. I realise that I have to respect what she is saying to me about me not contacting her. I did send her a Valentine's Day card but I got no response from that. I have been given the impression that her new relationship is not going too well, but I do not know for certain. She has only been going out with the bf for about 6 weeks and I would guess that it is a rebound thing. It just seems too soon for things to be going wrong already. Again just my interpretation of some things I have been told. Like I said I am going to leave her alone. I would still like to have back but I am not counting on it. I do know that getting her back or finding someone new is more or less the same thing. Anybody have any thoughts on my situation?