perfers porn over me

[lilgizmo]

maybe someone can help, what do you do when you think your man perfers pornography over the real thing. I know guys will look and I never had a problem with it until this relationship. Now I can't stand it. I always have to intiate sex and most times I get turned down. I don't feel desired or wanted anymore and it is taking an affect on myself esteem. The weird thing is he's not in to the super model look it's more on the big girl side and other fetishs,which everyone has their own tastes except I'm not big so if he is into that why is he with me I know I am some what attractive I just don't get it. I have been faithful to him but I have needs to. I have talked to him about this and his obsession with porn yet it goes no where. Need some advice

[Day_Walker]

You need to try a new approach, which means that you have to get him to want to have sex with you. Now in the short run, the things you will do will seem counter productive but the idea is to peak his interest and then just stop. If you keep building his sexual desire then its gonna come to the point where he cant take it anymore and he will initiate. I dont know if you have the dedication to do this but its necessary that you dont initate anymore sexual activity because you want him to so you withdrawl. Instead what you are trying to do is getting him worked up. Now this can vary from guy to guy but you should have an idea of what would turn him on.

[Beec]

Normally, I would agree with everything Day_Walker said above. If you want him to do soemthing you do have to make him want to do it.

 

But this guy has done what I woudl refer to as divide the duty. Normally, I refer to this when a guy has one woman he has sex with and little else, and he also has other women he dates. Dividing the duty can be useful for a man or a woman in search of the person with whom they want to have a relationship. Until they find that person, they have a friend with benefits. And they don't start jumping in bed with their dates. Dating and sex get divided into two spheres.

 

But this guy has divided the duty between his woman and his fantasies and there is no plan to ever bring them back together in a relationship.

 

If you want him to have sex with you and treat you as his object of sexual desire, he has to give up the porn. Heck, I bet if he got turned on by you tonight, when push came to shove he'd have only a wet noodle to shove and/or push. Porn is his sex life. But, his woman is his emotional and relationship life.

 

What I would do, in her shoes, is make him enjoy the relationship, then pull it out from under him and tell him it all comes together or NOTHING. He gives up the porn and takes you, or he gets none of her.

 

OK, now there is one more kicker here and that is when he comes back in, he is likely to be Mr. Limp Spagetti. If and when that happens, I would work on turning stuff on and off in the sexual area. I would send him or let him find you writing down your fantasy about how you took control over him, he took control over you, you did it here there or anywhere, etc. Substitute your thougths for his porn.

 

So, is there a porn addict would could tell us if this would work?

[DropToZero]

Sorry I don't really have any advice....

 

But I have a question...When are guys considered 'porn addicts'? I mean what's the difference between guys that do it generally and a porn addict....is it like 7 days a week for them and nothing but porn?

[lilgizmo]

I would have to say that makes more sense in what he is doing he has divided me into two spheres he did have a lot a friends with benefits, but never considered them serious.

 

Porn is his sex life. But, his woman is his emotional and relationship life

.

 

I think that is what he has done he has gotten so use to seperating the two that he can't combine them or he doesn't want to.

 

I just want him to desire me and want me I would get it if he looked at porn but still desired me in bed, but he perfers pictures of strangers who have the same things I got. I have gotten to the point to where I just want to give up.

[GettingOverIt]

I have gotten to the point to where I just want to give up.

 

And, sometimes, that is the best thing to do... Let him go and leave him to his fantasy world, and you will find someone who does want you and who will be on the same page as you are....

[Beec]

I am not going to tell you to keep trying or give up. Your decision.

 

But, if you are going to keep trying, you need to make him choose: me and me alone with no porn; or enjoy the porn, because I won't be here.

 

And, I think if you will be doing that, that the way to sway him into choosing you is to make him really feel what he will be missing from you in the toher things.

 

If it works in the long run, I think he will thank you. A live woman is better than masturbation, but he is addicted.

 

I am also sending you a pm.

[volution]

This is a common problem... Pornography can become addictive. Believe me - I'm a guy, and I have to use porn as I don't stand any chance with women. I've only ever been with one woman in my life, and that was only for a short time. If a man prefers pornography to you, then you have to make a decision... is he worth it, and can you live without sex?

As sex is an important part of a loving and healthy relationship, then you have to consider finding someone else who is 'more into you' than this guy appears to be. BELIEVE ME, there are plenty of more guys more into real sex with real women than this guy is!

[al7]

I guess you may want to ask youself these questions:

Did he want you in the beginning of your relationship?

Did he use porn at the time on the same level?

When he started to prefer porn over real sex?

What happened in his life at the time when he chose porn?

What happened in your life at the same time?

Is there any chance you did anything that may make him prefer porn over real sex?

 

The point is to identify the event(s) that caused this change (I believe at first he did like real sex, and not porn thing).

Somthing must have made hiim to acquire this new "preference".

What is that? Is it about him? about his stress? his new gf maybe?

or is it about you?

Did you change something in your behavior?

Did you change you style? your attitude towrd him?

 

Try to find when and what exactly caused him to choose that preference...

and then it would be way more clear what to do.

[arwen]

I am sorry that this makes you feel so unattractive. I understand, I guess I would feel exactly the same way.

 

As volution mentioned, please do consider the possibility that your man is actually addicted to porn. If this were the case, an addiction to porn pretty much works the same way as any other addiction.

 

Then, he doesn't prefer porn over you, porn is the thing he feels his life depends on. This can really be due to deeper issues. It might have started with an 'innocent' glimpse at the net, but he needed more to get the same level of excitement the next time and the time after that. Pretty much like 'normal' consumption of alcohol leading to more to reach the same effect.

 

It will be difficult to address this to your man. How is the communication with your man about this? There is another topic about this under infidelity if I remember correctly. I will look it up, and post you the link.

 

Ilse.

[arwen]

Oi, I could have known that you already saw this one:

 

link removed

 

Reread what OceanEyes and others posted there. Don't give up yet, try to get some help from support groups mentioned in that topic. If only for yourself!

 

Ilse.

[al7]

Guys, why do you assume the problem with the guy?

Cuz we were told so?

 

 

Yes, it is one of a possible cases. But lok t this addition from the oher side: they started a relationship, and she was ok with him watching porn?

I cant believe in this. Or she discovered it later...I think anyone would discover any kind of addiction firly quicky, and if eveything happen quickly it is not a problem to end the relationship.

 

But I assume the relationship is relatively long already... so natuarally I would think SOMETHING HAPPENED an he switch to porn.

Somthing that just made her less attractive....

Before starting thinking what can be done, it is a must to figure out WHY it happened...if it happened after the relationshio was started.

Ask youself: Does he have enough of quality sex with you? Is he attracted to you?

 

Make sense to you, lilgizmo?

[lonelyfriend]

I don't want to make my first post on this site and get labelled the 'porn addict'. But I've just been through this, and it was one of the drivers that killed my relationship.

 

I had a 5 1/2 year relationship with a great girl. I'd always had a bit of a thing for porn (yes, the hardcore video type) which I obtained off the net. It slowly poisoned our relationship, even though she didn't mind me having some.

 

I spent my time fantasising about the porn, and being angry for all the things that she wasn't. She wasn't dirty enough, her breasts weren't large enough, she wasn't pretty enough. And our sex life died.

 

She tried to initiate sometimes, and I would turn her down. When I did try it, I did end up with the limp spaghetti, and my confidence failed, which didn't exactly help. I simply didn't fancy her any more. I never managed to face up to this, delete my porn, and try to rekindle things.

 

This led to other problems with my feelings for her - I was permanently angry with her not being what I wanted her to be, and never was able to say anything. I think I even subconsciously tried to make her want to leave me.

 

Eventually, I managed, the emotions she had for me died too. And now, she wants to be just friends.

 

I feel really really bad about this. That my porn addiction wrecked things, that I wasn't man enough to tell her how I felt, and that I subconsciously tried to wreck things, rather than own up. It even got so bad that when she would come to visit for the weekend, I'd be a bit annoyed I couldn't sit and watch my porn in peace. Sad, huh?

 

I have managed to tell her now what I did wrong, and that now when I look at her, I see her as the most beautiful person I know. But it's still likely to be too late. I can't stop wanting her back, but I have to be realistic, I think.

 

So yeah, porn can cause far more pain than you can imagine.

 

David

[AshleiJay]

Me and my boyfriend have been together for a year, about 5 months ago i confronted him about his lads mags and asked if he materbated over them , and he said yes. This really hurt me as i am a very insacure person. He promised me he wouldnt ever buy the mags again.

 

2 months on i was looking at his mobile phone to find he had been trying to get pictures of topless women on his fone, i told him that i had issues and couldnt be with him due to the fact of how much it hurt me, he begged me to stay with him and said it was a mistake and didnt even want to materbate over it and just enjoyed 'looking at boobs'.

 

I stayed with him and for weeks after i kept going on about what he did and how much it upset me, and he told me he would never hurt me like that again. I made a big deal of how much it hurt me, and he insisted he wasnt even bothered about it anymore.

 

3 weeks ago, he had the internet installed and i just new then that he would go on porn or acsess pictures of topless women. He insisted that he'd never hurt me like that and he also even swore down on his little brothers life.

That day i went on his computer to find all his cookies had been deleated, he started getting really defensive. I went on google to find he had searched for 'free sex clips', 'jordan sex' , 'blonde sex' and 'hardcore fu*k'. I packed my bags and left, he begged for me back and said he had never taken me this seriously, i broke up with him for a week and he said he was ignorant and just kept telling himself it was natural , and that he took 4 granted how i felt about the matter.

I can never trust him again , he seems so convincing this time but i just dont know. If he were to do it again , would he tell me?

 

I dont understand , is porn just a sexual stimulant or do men actually think about having sex with the women in the porn? He claims is just to get him turned on.

 

Am i not enough for him?

 

it gets better, he claims he looks for porn with girls in that hav the same features as me to make him picture me, is it just me or does that sound dodgy? If he wanted to picture me surely he just would and not look at some girl having sex?

 

Iv even tried sending him dirty pictures of me but he stiill consited of going on porn, im so confused and hurt.

 

I think porn is a relationship killer, and shud only b 4 single ppl, if ur in a relationship u shud b sexually devoted to ur partner and not need 4 anything else.

[SPark]

I think that some very good advice has been given. I think that it is absolutely right that in this case the guy needs to wake up and smell the coffee, realize what a great relationship he is throwing away, or retreat into his little fantasy world, never to emerge until he works out whatever the heck he has to work out. Counseling might really, really help if you can get him to go. If he won`t go, you go...not to save the relationship, but to repair your self-esteem. You ARE a great and valuable person, and no one in their right mind would prefer porn to you...so don`t take it personally, although it SEEMS very personal. It`s his problem, and you are trying to help him by staying involved. If you leave him, no more problem, but you`ll still have to work on healing yourself. If you decide to stay, he`s going to have to do some work, and you are going to have to try to heal yourself in case he is too caught up in his own problems to repair the damage he`s caused. So, either way, you are going to have to take good care of yourself until you can make some sort of sense of this whole episode in your life and figure out a way to understand it and move on to bigger and better things.

 

You know how some people can go out for a nice dinner, drink a glass of wine, have a deep and meaningful conversation with their partner, and go home to make sweet love, while there might be others who INTEND to go out for a nice dinner, but drink 4 bottles of wine, ignore their partner, go home and pass out? I wouldn`t say it`s the wine that`s the problem here.

 

Same with porn. In my own case, I enjoy watching/ looking, but if I`m in my fantasy world, it`s me and him, not the men and women in the porn, that I visualize...it`s just more like an appetizer- "Look! Sex is fun!! Everyone is doing it! Wow! That`s great!! Let`s think about sex!!"

 

Am I unusual, or just lucky I have a good imagination and don`t need to substitute celluloid fantasies for my own?

[snuggle49]

I have been going out with my boyfriend for over a year now. And for the last 6 months, he's been on the internet looking at porn 2-3 times per day. I try to confront him and tell him how I feel about this, and let him know that when he does that I feel degrated and unwanted. Why does he look at that stuff when he has me there in that same room with him? Doesn't he like the way I look? Does he love me anymore? Every time I try to ask him these questions, he yells at me and tells me to grow up and that all guys look at porn. Do ALL guys really look at porn 2-3 times daily?! I love him so much, I dont want this incident to tear us apart!

[pchellak]

Most guys i know have looked at porn at some time or another. Even some of the girls i know enjoy watching porn once in a while. Its really the fantasy part of it which attracts people to it. But, 2-3 times a day, especially when in a loving relationship(i assume) sounds like too much. He may be addicted to porn and he may need some help.