Getting over my first breakup.

[EricEnso]

Greetings ENA,

 

After three weeks of browsing this forum, I finally decided to create an account for myself. I wanted to start off by thanking those who have contributed to this forum; your advice has been helping me cope with my first break up. My girlfriend broke up with me 1.5 months ago. We were together for a little over a year. It was my first relationship, so I'm not expecting it to be easy to get over her. I'll start off by saying that she meant a tremendous amount to me, and she was my best friend. Throughout the course of our relationship, we trusted each other and never did anything to intentionally hurt each other. She ended the relationship because we were both unhappy with where our lives were going. Although she was the one who initiated the breakup, I am beginning to understand why she did it. I knew from the beginning that she was not the one for me. When I first met her two years ago, she had just gotten out of a 2 year relationship with her ex who had cheated on her. Her partners in previous relationships also did not treat her very well. I met her through a mutual friend, and I got to know her when we became lab partners for a class. She was really happy during that brief period of time when we were getting to know each other. She began to develop feelings for me and we eventually started dating. She told me from the start that she did not want a relationship because she needed a lot of time to be single and independent. This should have been a major red flag for me. However, she decided to make a commitment because I treated very well and she really liked my personality. Even on the day of the breakup, she told me that I was a very great guy and the the best boyfriend she's had.

 

There were two major reasons why the relationship ended. The first was due to the direction in which our lives were heading in. By the time we graduated, I had already found a job and hour away. She was struggling with the job search and was living with her dad. My ex did not have a good childhood upbringing. Her mother was a drug addict and her father had been through several divorces. Her family issues made a huge negative impact on her personality. This leads me to the second issue: her anxiety. My ex has been dealing with anxiety for the longest time. She has to see a therapist and take antidepressants to cope with it. She can come off as really cold and rude. My major issue with her is that she lacked patience and became frustrated over the smallest things. She was not like this when we first started dating. In fact, she even told me that her anxiety was becoming less of a problem early on in our relationship. I won't get into details, but several major events happened towards the end of last year that made her anxiety skyrocket. I tried my best to be there for her, but she was never the same after those events. She became less attentive and affectionate towards me, and more snappy and distant. Overtime, her personality bled into mine, and I began to lose patience with her. We had several arguments, and they were usually all due to her and her attitude.

 

When I first started my job after college, it was difficult adjusting to the reality of adulthood. Gone were the days of college and being surrounded by people of my age. I was depressed when I started. I couldn't relate with my coworkers and they were not treating me very well. I'm over that though. But at the time, I was always unhappy and tired. My ex did not understand why I was so unhappy all the time. She thought I was the luckiest guy in the world to have found a job so quickly after graduation. At the same time, I was dealing with the fact that my close friends were slowly beginning to move away. I eventually had nobody to talk to except my girlfriend. I became too emotionally attached to her. Our interactions in the last few months had not been very great. We got into a lot of arguments due to my unhappiness. She kept telling me to see a therapist. I went a few times, but did not make a consistent effort to do so due to my work schedule. I was working 10-12 hour days, 6 days a week. It was a very busy period at my company so I had no choice. She kept pestering me to see a therapist when I didn't have the time to. Because of her anxiety, she would approach me with a nasty tone whenever I was feeling unhappy which made the situation worst. My unhappiness was making her unhappy, and her tone, impatience, and way of approaching me about the situation did not make it any better. To be honest, I lost my girlfriend months ago. I kept holding on because I hoped she would be herself again. But the more I held on, the more I made myself miserable and unhappy. She used to be so affectionate and went out of her way for me. Even before we graduated, I could tell she was slowly beginning to change. Although I knew she cared for me deeply, she stopped showing it.

 

The night before the breakup I drove all the way to her place and took her out for dinner. She seemed really tired and bored when I picked her up. I know I need to stop holding onto the past, but she used to be so excited and ecstatic to see me. I took her back to my apartment and we spent the night together. The next morning we got into an argument about something that was totally irrelevant. Once again, the argument escalated because she kept raising her voice and literally started yelling at me. She told me she was sick and tired of my unhappiness and unwillingness to seek help. When our argument ended, she asked me if we could go visit a local brewery to get some beer and food. I was happy to do so and took her there. We had a good time. When we got back into the car, she decided to break up with me. Her words completely broke my heart. I did not understand how she could have done that to me after everything I've done for her. I talked to her a few weeks after the breakup. She told me her decision has been made. She said that I needed to focus on being more independent and happy with myself. I need to stop beating myself up over mistakes. However, the biggest reason was that she was not ready for a relationship. She needs time to focus on her career and her future. She was crying the last time I saw her. She saw how hurt I was and kept apologizing and telling me that time will heal all wounds. She said I could call her or hang out with her whenever I felt like it. I didn't lose her as a friend, and I know that she would be here for me in a heartbeat if I needed anything.

 

I don't know how common this type of breakup is, but I find it hard to move on knowing that she still cares about me, although not in the sense of a romantic relationship. I went NC after the breakup and cut her off from social media. Two weeks into the breakup, she texted one of my best friends because she was worried about me. One week later, she texted me directly and told me she was worried about me. Our conversation was short and civil. She apologized for hurting me and told me that I treated her very well and really appreciated it. She went on to say that I'm a good person, and I should use this opportunity to focus more on myself and not her because I deserve to be happy. My ex was correct about one thing though... I did beat myself up over the smallest things. I need to work on myself more and invest more time into my own happiness. Throughout the course of the relationship I put too much energy into her and not into myself. The sad part was knowing that a lot of the energy that I put in was not reciprocated. I'm doing a lot better now than last month. I truly believe that time will heal all wounds. I have been going to the gym more and getting back into my hobbies. I'm closer to my friends and my family now than I've ever been because I call them very frequently. However, the disappointing part is knowing that my ex left me alone in this city. She knew from the beginning that loneliness was a contributing factor to my anxiety, yet she decided to breakup with me in my most vulnerable state. I have never felt this lonely in my life, but I am dealing with it.

 

I guess my question is if I should ever let her back into my life again. I have been going NC since the last time she texted me. Sometimes I feel so used and betrayed, and at other times I feel as though she did me a huge favor by breaking up with me. She really wants me to be in her life, and I honestly believe that. Despite all that has happened, I know she really does care and thinks about me. Although her anxiety affected the way she approached and handled certain situations, there were also plenty of times where she was happy and very kind towards me. We had lots of great conversations and shared a lot in common. She was a great girlfriend, but her emotional issues and lack of enthusiasm in the relationship made it very unstable. I couldn't handle her personality shifting back and forth. She became toxic to me, and in return I became toxic to her. It's unfortunate knowing that I may never be able to talk to her again. I don't know what to do. I can move on, but it hurts knowing that I might have to completely cut her off from my life.

 

My post was longer than I expected. I would really appreciate it if I could get any form of advice though!

[mhowe]

The relationship has run its course. No need to keep it due to "time served" or what you each have or haven't done.

 

She has personal issues to address and you have transitional issues to address.

 

Work on yourself and tuning up your life. In time, things will settle out and you will feel like dating again. When one is centered and emotionally healthy, you will attract the same sort of partner.

[jobelle]

I knew from the beginning that she was not the one for me.

 

I hope you can find closure in this.

 

However, the disappointing part is knowing that my ex left me alone in this city. She knew from the beginning that loneliness was a contributing factor to my anxiety, yet she decided to breakup with me in my most vulnerable state.

 

I understand that you feel betrayed but ultimately your well-being is your responsibility, not hers.

 

I guess my question is if I should ever let her back into my life again.

 

I believe NC is the first step in the healing process. If you keep in touch sooner or later there will drama (new relationships, jealousy etc) and someone will get hurt all over again.

[ForgetYourEvil]

Sounds eerily similar to my situation. My advice (because I wish I had done this from the start) is to continue NC and WALK AWAY and never EVER look back. The relationship is 100% over and there is no chance of reconciliation after the pain you've been through. You don't need to tell her you are doing NC.. or feel bad for doing it.. just do it. DELETE all contact info and look to the bright future for you. You'll find someone who KNOWS they want you 100%.

 

She left you, dude. You owe her NOTHING now. Work on getting your life back together.

[EricEnso]

Late reply, but thank you guys so much for posting. I hope you guys had a good holiday. I'm still doing NC and haven't had the urge to break it. I'm afraid I'll never meet someone again, but I know it's silly for me to think that way. I've been doing a lot to improve myself since the breakup. I got back into exercising, reading, playing guitar, and I even have a few trips planned for next year with my friends. It's been two months, and I already feel so much better. Time and effort really does heal wounds. There are long periods during the day where I don't think about her anymore. I still miss her, but it's best if I don't break NC.