Feeling lost with Ex

[wydomakre]

It is a very delicate subject for me to approach, being the dumpee after a 4 year relationship with a 3 year old. I am 34 and my dream of having a family and being a husband are floating away. I don't want to abandon my "family" but I am not sure it is healthy to remain in amicable terms with my ex any longer.

We have been together, and lived together for the last 4 years, having a passionate yet volatile relationship. No abuse or cheating, but a hard relationship. The love was there but communication was lacking, and intimacy took the back seat to responsibility. She would lash out at me for the smallest things, and I would just take it because any time I tried to be assertive she would say "why don't you get out then". No matter what she would always come lay on me and fall asleep. It was a cycle like this for the last 3 years, and it eventually got to the point where both of us started to abuse alcohol to combat our emotional and relationship issues. We maintained or relationship by drinking our problems away as we became thick as thieves. Understand that we never were drunk around our daughter, but we found ways to continue our tryst. I could come up with a lot of excuses of why we drank but in reality I am still trying to figure out why we resorted to this immature method of bonding. I tend to think it may be us having an unplanned child(no regrets) early and not fully developing our relationship. Were we ever right for each other?

In the midst of the chaos that was we maintained a good facade with everyone but our closest friends. I eventually, with help from friends and support from her, started attending AA in October. She did not attend AA but she did honestly quit and we started actually having real conversations again. The communication lines were back open, but now we had to face our relationship without our secret mediator. It lasted about 15 days, and me taking a trip to deer camp with my father until she told me I was not allowed back at her house.

I maintained a civil attitude towards her request and met up with her to set up a plan for our daughter. To my surprise when we met up for coffee, she professed her love for me, but implied she wanted to take it slow and start the relationship from scratch. If we didn't have a child I would have said no, but I do love her and thought we could work on things. It was enlightening to talk every night, go on platonic plates, feel vulnerable for the first time in a long time, but I could tell that the connection was not there, a placebo of love. I could of just went with it, trying to woo her again, but knowing I would lose her, I confronted her about it, asking her to tell me the truth.

She told me that she loved me, but was no longer in love with me. She says that she is bad at relationships, and she is a sponge. She just absorbs all negative aspects of relationship, never feeling she gets the respect and love she needs in turn. Of course, after a time of reflection, I responded by trying to assuage her issues with me, which really means I left it all on the table.

Here-in is where my question lies. We do still see each other, and have good conversation. She expressed a need to be friends with me. I responded by saying that I didn't want that, and just set up times for me to see my daughter. She got angry at me, so I gave in and said ok. I know its a bad idea, but there is still hope in my heart of reconciliation. Pretty much a brand new relationship, not dictated by negative elements. We still do Christmas cards together, we still go for walks, we still talk every night. She even invited me to go with her to the church she found. I just don't know if she wants to work on things, or just wants me(and her) to feel better about the situation. I understand that our child is the most important aspect of this scenario, but I do not think I can remain friends with her without feeling like last weeks garbage. Thanks for reading

[Movingforward3]

No friends. Only being civil for your daughter. That's it. You must live your life. You can't wait and pine away. Have fun. Get a hobby. Spend time with family. Exercise and eat right. But, do not be friends. It won't help you.

[wydomakre]

They are the only family I have, so it will be difficult to come to grips with this new reality. But you are right, It will help me become stronger and less dependent. I guess my biggest fear is loneliness, but now I am free to define what that is.

[ForgetYourEvil]

Your dreams aren't floating away. You will find someone BETTER. BELIEVE IT. The most important thing is to go NC and make your arrangements ahead of time re your daughter so there is absolutely NO REASON to contact this person. Don't ever talk to this person again.