How do I resist calling him?

[kerrio]

Hi everyone,

 

Well, it's been almost 2 months since the break up and I feel the same as I did a month ago. I've been doing well for the last month, but yesterday, I had a major cry spell. I realized that I don't miss my ex as a boyfriend, but I miss him very much as a friend.

 

I don't have many friends in the city that I live in and I'm finding it very hard to meet new people. The worst times are on friday and saturday nights when I'm sitting at home alone. I have promised myself that I will not contact my ex unless he contacts me first because I don't want to appear desparate, but this is MUCH harder than I thought.

 

I don't want to bottle up my loneliness, I need a friend to hang out with, to go to the movies with, and etc. My co-workers are all older and have their own lives. I don't feel comfortable meeting friends on the internet. Hence, I've got no one.

 

I wish I could go back to my own city and be with my friends and family, but that is not an option because I have to finish school here first and that will take another year and a half.

 

I want to call my ex, just to see how he is, but I know that if I call him, the ball will be entirely in his court. How do I resist the urge to call him? I try to keep myself busy most of the time, but there are always a few hours every day (especially weekends) that I have nothing to do and I end up thinking about calling him.

 

What do I do? How do I stay strong?

[Clare37373]

Call a friend in your old hometown or a member of your family when you get the urge to call him - this is what I did and it helped greatly.

 

The urge to call my ex of 10 years was very strong...but ya know what, when I didn't call him, he called me after a month of being apart and he still continues too three months after our seperation. He left me for another woman btw

 

Remember that urges are only temporary feelings, they do go away

 

DON'T CALL THAT MAN!! If he wants you, he will call you

[SilverPoet]

Yo i couldn't agree more with Clare..you will soon overcome the urge to call your ex. I know these things can be hard..ecspecially when your alone..but you should try to make friends in your area..cuz it will make you feel better. I know you can get the feeling over with..it's just a matter of will power and desire. You know deep inside you can be strong, keep yourself busy concentrating on school, and please make a few friends...it helps alot..trust me.

 

P.S.- maybe get involved with another?

[kerrio]

I don't think that my ex will call me, not because he doesn't want to talk to me, but rather because he feels guilty about breaking up with me.

 

I think my family members and friends are getting tired of me calling them all the time and always complaining about the same things. What sucks the most is that he's got a handful of friends in this area and I'm sure he goes out all the time.

 

I don't know what else to do, I have no one else to talk to and I really want to hear from him. I keep having conflicting thoughts about calling or not calling.

 

What if I don't call him, but write him an email? Is that as bad?

[SilverPoet]

 

An e-mail would be fine..and he should feel guilty with breakin' up wit' ya..and just try and work it off your mind..you know what? Think of it this way..you no longer have or need to call him...he needs to call you...and if he doesn't he loses out on someone who might have meant alot to him..anyway..you need to meet with someone better to get your mind off him..it will help alright. Your happiness means way more than his at this moment...find something to help you get through this difficult time..if it means writing replies to me..then if that works..do it..I won't mind helping you ok?

 

P.S.- don't complain to your parents about it..just keep it within you for now or with a couple of intermediate friends...and if you don't have any..please try to make some..aight B?

 

Peace

 

"Should you make someone happy? Or make sure you've kept yourself happy first?"

[Deepeachesxo]

Ok I am going through the exact same thing, I have been with my boyfriend for the past 2 and 1/2 years. We broke up 2 and 1/2 months ago. I nagged and begged and showed up all the time.... He kept saying I just want space, there's no one else we are fighting to much. I finally just stopped calling today is day 6 of no contact with him, it's so hard, but you can do it, and I keep telling myself so can I. If he loves you he will call. I know it's so hard, but email me if you need to talk. I'm in the same boat. He's in a frat. so he has his brothers to keep him busy, and I feel like I have nothing, I work full time and go to school it's hard to have a social life. Just stay strong. Good Luck for the both of us!!! Dee

[kerrio]

I saw my ex today.

 

I have been sick for a couple of days and today I called my ex to see if he can purchase some medication for me (Since I can't go myself). He came by my place and dropped off the medicine. Although he didn't come in to my apartment, we chatted for a couple of minutes at the door.

 

After seeing my ex, I've been thinking about emailing him to tell him that I miss his company (as a friend) and that I would like it if we could hang out sometimes. (Ok...I really want to tell him this....particularly because I'm lonely.)

 

Now there are a few issues. Should I email him or not? Will I lose my dignity by contacting him? Will he look down on me? Will he say no? (Keep in mind that I don't have many friends where I live and I really need company...I think I might go crazy if I have to spend friday/saturday nights alone. I think boredom can be harmful.)

 

Another issue is whether or not he has a new gf. How can I tell? Should I ask him? Are there ways you can tell if he does have someone else? I bring this issue up because if he does have a new gf, then I doubt that she would support the idea of me hanging around him.

 

All these thoughts are flying through my head and I have no idea what to do. Help.

[kandi13]

Hun,

Hey I know exactly how you feel im probably the only one who knows how u feel in this situation but ex broke up with me and I missed him as a friend not as a boyfriend, and he never called me anymore and somedays I did pick up that phone and I did call him, and I wasnt being strong. I showed him he had me rapped round his finger. Its terrible. If he wants u back let him do da pleading girl. Dont run back to him!!!!! Let him call!!!! I dont call him anymore....but instead he calls me everyday now, cuz he knows im not gonna call, so dont call and see what happens..

best wishes

[SilverPoet]

Don't call him alright..in a couple of days he will call you eventually..I'd say in 3 more days i bet you he will call..he can't just stay away from you...he'll break soon..( pssst...men always do after awhile..it's our weakness ) but be happy in the mean time...

Umm you could e-mail him just to say hello, but don't write him anything desperate or tell. If he has a new g/f he will probaly stray away from you..more and more..and you also know what?..if he did have a new g/f..why would he go get your medication for you so quickly?????

Just something to think about

 

P.S.- Good things will come your way...I see into your future...well actually i don't..but i can guess good things will come right?

 

"What a nice pothole your face has become..?"

[kerrio]

The thing is, before our meeting today, we hadn't spoken to each other for at least 3 weeks and I don't think he's the type to cave in. Like I said before, I think he'd feel too guilty to call me. At the same time, I don't want him to think that he's got me wrapped around his fingers if I did call or email him. This is hard. All of this is so conflicting to me.

 

On one hand, I want to contact him, on the other hand, I don't want to push him away. I have resisted tonight, but I know that when the weekend comes, its going to be the same boredom and loneliness again. I can just see it, in a few weeks time, I'm going to feel alone and have another dramatic cry spell.

 

This would be much easier if I had other friends in this city, but the harsh reality is that I don't. I left my family and friends from another city to be with my ex. Meanwhile, during the time of our relationship, people that I met were all friends of my ex. Back then, I didn't see a need to make my "own" friends (now I know better). So now, I've got no one.

[SilverPoet]

what do you mean you have no one?..you got me! i'm just playyin'...look, there is no need to cry..he is only just a guy..please don't cry over him..it takes time for things to heal..and in the mean time he might call..there is always that one possibility...I want you to look on the brighter side and quit thinkin' what if and having the need to call him..i mean there's gotta be something you like doin'..right?

Kerrio, you can do it..gradually you will make progress in gettin' over the urge to call him..do you like writing? Actually, go out to a club and talk to some other guys..it is the summer..there's alot out there..who wouldn't break up with you if you would give yourself a chance...i am gonna work with you on this one cuz it seems you keep on thinking about the what ifs and that it hurts you so bad that you cry becuz you wanna call him to talk to him...I think you can do better..and i haven't been wrong yet..i keep giving you replies to hopefully get you to feel at least a lil' more happier or relieved of the urge to call him...evacuate the state of mind that gives you the urge..think of something else, not for him or anyone else..just you.

You can private message me if you need to alright?

Good luck and Peace B

 

P.S.-Wanna know somethin' weird? The guy who wrote the song " Don't Worry...Be happy" later commited suicide...figures huh?...please try to think of something else alright...have a nice night

[Bones28]

Hey Kerrio... I have been going through the same thing you are. My gf of 3 years broke up with me. For the next like 2.5 weeks, I kept calling and emailing and texting, and anything I could do. It just made her more annoyed and easier to run away from me. Everytime I called, I felt a litle better, but then when she left it was 10 times worse. I wanted to call her right back up or keep her on the line.

 

I reccomed you do not contact him at all. Instead I reccomend you focus on yourself. Take the rest of this week and devote it to YOU! Get over your sickness, workout, go for a jog/walk, and make yourself feel like a million bucks. Then by the weekend, it is time to take yourself out. Go somewhere new or experience something yu never have. Think about all the freedom you now have. Maybe the next Mr. Right is just waiting for you at that local bar near your apartment...ya never know right?

 

Also, this is what I did...everytime I felt like calling my ex, I would take out a notebook and write a letter to her explaining exactly how I felt, how much I missed her, and what she meant to me. By the time I had cried all my tears out, I felt much better and was glad she didnt have to hear all of this...also I kept blasting "King of Wishful Thinking" by Go West...a great song to help you out. I wish you all the best of luck and that your heart mends and gives itself out again. Go for it....if you cant think it, you cant do it.

 

----

"I'll get over you, I know I will, I'll pretend my ship's not sinking, and I'll tell myself I'm oer you, because I'm the King of Wishful thinking..."

[kerrio]

Well, I didn't end up emailing or calling my ex, even though I still really want to. He didn't call or email me today to ask how I was, so I'm basically assuming that he doesn't really care that much anymore. Maybe it was a mistake to ask him for a favor.

 

I'm having another big cry spell today and I don't even know why. I don't want to be like this and I hate myself for crying. What is wrong with me? I thought I have gotten over the hard part of the break up and that I am really getting over him, but right now I feel almost as bad as the first few days after the break up.

 

Now, I'm not a genius or anything, but the fact that he didn't check up on me today shows me that perhaps he doesn't even want to be friends. Maybe he feels that I'm a burden and that he's only doing things for me because he still feels guilty. The worst part is that I still want to contact him, just to say hello.

[Bones28]

Nothing is worng with you...what you are going through is perfectly nomral and unexpected when you go through a beakup. If you feel you need to call him, then do it, but I reccomend not to. Whatever will make you happy. But keeping expressing yourself and crying, I PROMISE IT WILL GET BETTER. I had a little crying spell today as well, but I know things can only get better. Read my post in this forum for the whole long story. I wish you the best

[kerrio]

I don't want to cry anymore. I don't want to care. I try to keep myself busy so I would stop thinking about this whole thing...but I would start crying in the middle of nowhere.

 

Last week I was fine, but now I just feel miserable. I don't know how I could go from fine to where I am right now. Even when I'm writing this post, I can't stop crying.

[SilverPoet]

First you need to stop crying altogether...just quit thinking about him..you control your thoughts, try to talk yourself away from these emotions hun...there is no need for you to cry...he is nothing ok..NOTHING...you are worth way more than the tears your shedding every night..you don't need him at all..not even as a friend..he probaly knows he is hurting you..and probaly likes the thought of it..cuz you never know..maybe he is just one of those assholes..people run into at times...he just wants you to feel bad about the whole break up thing...you need to show him you have NO interest him whatsoever and that you don't care about talking to him...BE STRONG...don't let him get to you..for real B..you can do it..I know you can..just takes your will to do so..trust me..and please don't cry no more...ecspecially not on him...then your tears would be a waste..trust me...your better off without him...

 

Luvz and Peace

[stones]

i know exactly what you mean... i have this terrible tendency of just breaking down and crying just so suddenly. It takes nothing but just a thought of him to trigger my tears... and you know what? i absolutely hate myself for it. i hate crying, i hate being so weak.

 

no, i can't stop thinking of him either.

 

you are not alone, kerrio. people from all around the world cry for broken hearts. i cry everyday now. my eyes are swollen but my heart's never tired of crying. i've tried everything i can to work things out with my bf, and now, i'm trusting God to hear my cries and take care of me.

 

then, i know, though i cry, i never cry alone.

 

it's not your fault.

[kinatra]

Bones made a great recommendation...that song by go west rocks and is particularly great for any break up becuase as much as you don't believe it you are going to get over him and find a new love....you are! He left a hole in your heart but you are going to get over himHonestly you have been getting some great advice. I highly recommend writing down your feelings....any time I am thinking about my ex I open this file I call "deep thoughts," set the date and start writing what i am feeling and what i would like to say. Let me tell you that you would be surprised at what you say because there is no influence on what you should or shouldn't say or the person whom you love in front of you for your words to hurt. I missed my gal like crazy too, but what I wrote down told me that there were a lot of things that weren't right. The important thing to do is keep the notes in order so that you can look back and read them....it's really a great and important thing to do to learn what you really want. PLEASE TRY IT!

 

Good luck,

 

Kinatra

 

p.s. here are the lyrics to the song:

 

 

I don't need to fall at your feet

Just 'cause you cut me to the bone

And I won't miss the way that you kiss me

We were never carved in stone

If I don't listen to the talk of the town

Then maybe I can fool myself..

 

I'll get over you.. I know I will

I'll pretend my ship's not sinking

And I'll tell myself I'm over you

'cause I'm the king of wishful thinking

I am the king of wishful thinking

 

I refuse to give in to my blues

That's not how it's going to be

And I deny the tears in my eyes

I don't want to let you see.. no

That you have made a hole in my heart

And now I've got to fool myself..

 

I'll get over you.. I know I will

I'll pretend my ship's not sinking

And I'll tell myself I'm over you

'cause I'm the king of wishful thinking..

I'll get over you.. I know I will

I'll pretend my ship's not sinking

And I'll tell myself I'm over you

'cause I'm the king of wishful thinking

 

I will never, never shed a tear for you

I'll get over you

 

If I don't listen to the talk of the town

Then maybe I can fool myself..

 

I'll get over you.. I know I will

I'll pretend my ship's not sinking

And I'll tell myself I'm over you

'cause I'm the king of wishful thinking

I'm the king of wishful thinking

I'll get over you.. I know I will

You made a hole in my heart

But I won't shed a tear for you

I'll be the king of wishful thinking

I'll get over you..

I'll pretend my heart's still beating

'cause I've got no more tears for you

I'm the king of wishful thinking..

I'll get over you.. I know I will

You made a hole in my heart

And I'll tell myself I'm over you

'cause I'm the king of wishful thinking

[kerrio]

Well, it has been over 3 months since the breakup and I can safely say that I am happy.

 

Getting over this relationship was one of the hardest things that I've ever had to do in my life and the main motivation for me (and this might sound stupid) was to find myself again. I wanted to become what I had used to be, a fun, energetic, and happy person. For all of you newbies who have recently been through a break up, believe me when I tell you this.....it does get better. At the beginning, you will feel like your life has lost all meaning, that you will never be happy again. All I wanted to do in the beginning was to stay in my pajamas and cry all day. Everything will seem bleak. However, with every passing day, I realized more and more that my ex is the one who lost something special. I've started doing activities that I used to do and lost some excessive weight (25lbs and still going!). I started to feel attractive again.

 

The best part about finding yourself again is that you start to think about how good things can be without your ex. I can say now that I am grateful that my ex broke up with me because it allowed me to explore greater opportunities that I would have never tried had I still been in that relationship. I haven't cried since that last time I posted here and I've even begun picturing myself with other men.

 

Occasionally, I still speak to my ex, just very casually. I would like to remain friends with him because that was how we started out. This whole event has made me think in new ways. I now believe that everything happens for a reason, and although it may not seem like that now, eventually everthing will work out for the best.

[Baffler Meal]

First I would like to thank you for posting your experiences. Your story will help serve as a road map for myself and others. I am especially happy about your weight loss, that is one of the best things you could do for yourself.

 

Could you share some of the other activities you have done to try to make friends, or how you cope with doing things on your own? I would really appreciate it and I know others are reading with interest. I too am left without friends and this really is the hardest part to deal with right now.

[kinatra]

I think the best way for you to meet new people is to get involved in life. Great ways to do this are the following:

- Get involved in voluntary organizations that you care about (i.e. greenpeace, a political campaign, etc.).

- Join a group sports activity (running, hiking, soccer, etc.)

- Join a society (i.e. the bird watching society, rotary club, etc.)

- Join a book club.

- Learn how to dance.

- Get a part time job to fill the space - which is another good way of meeting people.

 

Hope this helps. Though it won't be if you don't take action in your life!

 

Be well,

 

Kinatra

[michiganmale27]

You simply cannot contact him anymore. Plain and simple, you have already passed the critical hours 1 day-2 month period. Find other things to do...Example, yes I know it will make me look like a loner/loser if you will...I went to a couple of concerts by myself. I swear you would not believe the girls that came up and just started talking to me. You have NO IDEA the wonders that will do for your self-esteem/ego.

 

What everyone else has suggested is great advice as well. I will be finishing up my MBA in the Fall/Winter so that is a great place as well, even though the girls are older hence more than likely involved.

 

If you are looking for someone to fill the void usually going solo to a place works better than if you are with friends. The guy, or in my case the girls, will feel less threated if there is an audience around.

 

GOOD LUCK, hang in there you've gone three months you can do it!!! 8)