how do u ask a guy where u stand

[clairelouise11]

my bf is from another country, hates his job and is homesick

im 30 and hes 26, we've been living together for a year

the other day he asked me where i see the relationship going

i said i was happy with everything, he said he feels a bit trapped as he never gets time to himself

i have compromised and started going out a couple times a week to give him a bit of time in the flat alone as he never got any before as i was always there

he hasn't said much since then, that was a couple weeks ago

i feel a bit funny, always wondering how he's feeling about me

how do i find out if hes happier, he doesn't really like 'talking' but i feel uncomfortable about how things are at the moment

[OceanEyes]

Speaking as someone who has been away from home in a strange city with few friends/ acquaintences, all I can say is that it can be VERY hard. He could be frustrated because he feels that he doesn't have a life of his own, in addition to missing the life he had before he lived with you.

 

When he says that he "feels trapped", it is probably because he knows that he can't do anything, go anywhere, or have anything outside of his relationship with you. You will always play a very large role. It also sounds like he doesn't have friends or a life outside of your relationship. Is that a factor as well?

 

The sad part of this, and something that you might find hard to believe, is that him distancing himself from you and 'not talking' is not your fault. In fact, there isn't really much you can do about it. HE is the one who is going to have to adapt to his surroundings, and unfortunately, if he can't do that, you might be in for some trouble.

 

If the two of you are living together, you do have a right to know what's up with the relationship. If he's shutting you out, telling you that he feels "trapped" and like he never gets personal time, then he's probably feeling very overwhelmed by his living situation, and the fact that he can't just call up his old friends to do something. He probably feels very isolated, but overwhelmed that he never has any privacy.

 

If you want to know where you stand, you have to talk to him about it. He can't just say, "I don't feel like talking about it". That is not fair to you - you are A PERSON in your relationship and you deserve to know.

[clairelouise11]

thanks for your reply i know i have to ask but im dredding putting the extra pressure on him and driving/scaring him away

he has all his friends here and none at home but i know he misses his parents

he said his wish would be to move all his friends who are here home with him

he has been under pressure too from trying to do a car up which i know he was worried about it passing a test as he's quite in debt from it all

[arwen]

Hey again

 

I understand that you are afraid you will only 'irritate' him when you will ask how he is feeling. You have two options: either you stick through and just give him space to breath (try to let go, you cannot control someone else's feelings...), OR you talk openly to him. You said you were happy when he asked you, but you have been unhappy since. You can tell him this. That you can't stand this insecure feeling, and you need to have an open conversation.

 

I think him missing family can really influence his feelings about the relationship.

 

Ilse.

[annie24]

I agree with all the other posters. Like OceanEyes said, you're in this relationship, you have EVERY RIGHT to know what's going on. If you need to clarify something, then clarify it. You live together. I understand it's a hard conversation to bring up. If you can think of a "non-accusatory" manner to talk about things, I would take that route. I'm a big fan of John Gray's "Men are from Mars" book. It brings up a bunch of ways to bring up problems with your relationship to minimize the other person's defensiveness or them retreating away from you. Good luck.

[clairelouise11]

well guys

we got onto talking about his job etc etc last night so i asked him

i said how are you feeling about us now

he said "i don't know, i haven't really thought about it, why?"

i said that i'd just been wondering and he said again that he hadn't really thought about it and then went to have a shower

so what the hell does that mean!

after his shower he made me tea, gave me a cuddle and was really nice but didn't say anything else

[arwen]

Hey girl,

 

I think actions speak louder than words. Every relationship will have moments where one of the partners has doubts. It might be that this person is going through other forms of stress, but starts doubting his relationship. I know I have been there in the past. For example, a few years ago I had a exam week at uni, with like 8 exams in one week. I thought I was going to die.

 

Instead of worrying about the exams, I started to question my whole life in general. My relationship made me nervous and I acted very edgy around the bf I had at that time. After I survived the last exam there was this enormous weight lifted from my shoulders, and suddenly I felt very happy and relaxed around my guy. Well, he felt sort of funny but the next time it happened I knew I would respond this way.

 

Anyway, it is difficult for him to be far away from everyone he shared time with in the past. Just give him some space, I think that he noticed you were worried, didn't want to talk about it because he didn't know how to comfort you, but made you tea instead.

 

In the other topic, you told us about messages from his ex. Any news on that department. Really, I wouldn't worry too much and try to give him space. The sense that a person lets you free to a certain extent is really healthy in a relationship, I think.

 

Take care,

 

Ilse.

[clairelouise11]

hiya

thanks for that

well i think i was just paranoid about the text message, thats not worrying me at all now i think i was just grasping at straws as to what exactly the problem was

i'm trying to give him a bit of space but its difficult in a one bedroom flat when i hardly go out!

i so want to relax and just take things day to day as they come, why do i feel the need to 'know where i stand' we're having fun at the mo, shouldn't that be enough?

but i keep wondering if i'm being used in some way, he's doing all the things he wants to, doing up his car and bought his flat, i pay rent there and he spends all his money on his car

but then surely i wouldn't be there and he wouldn't spend his time with me if he didn't want me?

i just seem to work myself up and i want to ask him how he feels about me but i don't know if i should make things all complicated, i can't seem to think about anything else tho, i'm worried i'm wasting my time with him but then shouldn't i just relax and enjoy what we've got now and deal with whatever happens when it happens, sorry about the rambling!

[arwen]

Hey girl!

 

Good to hear from you again!!!

 

Well, I feel you are still a bit insecure about things in your relationship, and let me just give you a general advice to really create some good things/activities in your life that don't involve your man. This has two positive effects: on the one hand he has some air, on the other, you can meet some new people and make some friends of your own.

 

You know, worrying can also come when you are just too much by your self or spending all your time together with only one person. I think the risk of being together so much is that you get too much 'involved'. That's not bad by itself, but if you meet no other people, you can lose perspective and go crazy about the relationship.

 

Do you have friends where you live? Some nice girls you can enjoy a cup of coffee with or go for some shopping?

 

take care, and this site is here for rambling!

 

Ilse.

[clairelouise11]

thanks!

 

no! i haven't any friends really, which is probably half the problem

he seems quite relaxed at the mo, although i seem to be watching his every move, like trying to pick up on any signals to give me the answer i'm looking for

it's driving me crazy! you're right, i need something else to think about

my works even quite quiet which doesn't help, thats where i am now and i'm talking to you about it!

i've just started a step aerobics class which gets me out for an hour or so tonight and there are some nice girls there, i've also subscribed to a website to try and meet some new friends in my area and i also go swimming another night in the week, i used to cycle in the evenings too but its so cold and dark lately that i haven't been doing that

do you think he feels under pressure as i haven't got my own things to do?

i had a horse up until early dec when he was put down and my bf said that he started feeling funny around that time, i think he used to enjoy his half hour or so to himself when i used to go see to the horse

[arwen]

Hey,

 

Oh yes, you wrote earlier about that horse. I am so sorry you had to put him down... I think there could be a correlation between him being a bit edgy and the death of your horse (I hope that nonetheless he has made an effort to comfort you about this, ?).

 

Good thing you have an aerobics class. The swimming is great too (I swim myself, it rules!). Exercise will take your mind elsewhere AND give you opportunities to meet people. I think it would really improve your relationship.

 

It's probably too expensive to buy a new horse, but maybe, once or twice a week you can go swimming directly after work. I wouldn't say every day, because it's your house too. But just to see if things improve?

 

The money-issue is something that concerns me though. I don't understand. You pay for the house that you BOTH live in, and he bought his own flat AND a car?

 

Ilse.

[clairelouise11]

Hi Ilse

yeah i am quite liking life without a horse at the mo (without the expense and the running around twice a day that i have done for 14 years!) gives me a chance to do something else with my time

i really enjoyed aerobics last night, kept my mind occupied for an hour and i feel quite good this morning

yeah i try and go swimming straight after work so he can go home and have the place to himself for a while

sorry i probably didn't explain the money thing properly

he bought the flat so he has the mortgage, i pay rent there which amounts to about half the mortgage and he pays the fuel bills and i pay the telephone so its quite equal

his car he's bought by himslelf and has been doing it up himself but its cost him quite a bit to do it so i've leant him a bit of money and i know he'll pay me back as i've leant him money before but he does hate being in debt to me

he had a bad day at work yesterday, got really fed up with it. I said well you'll have to sort something cos it's not worth being unhappy, i said about claas (another agricultural company near here) but he said if he was going to work for them he might as well go home as its nicer climate etc etc. It hurts as i don't know what his plans are for me but i think as long as i give my support and help him try to work out where he will be happiest perhaps he can make a decision about me after that, perhaps he has to sort the job problem first before he can decide on us

After that he said that his present job would be ok if there was more organisation. (i think he's missing driving his tractor!)