Recurrent Trust Issues

[BCC123]

Hi all! I have been to this site many times and just need an outlet right now.

 

My current BF and I have been together for 9 months now. In the beginning everything was perfect, like in every relationship of mine. I always start out relationships so trusting of the other person and it makes everything so much easier. Then it seems as time goes on and I start getting deeper and deeper into the relationship I start having trust issues. I guess my logic is - if im going to be getting seriously involved now, then I have to trust you and know you aren't doing anything wrong - I sabotage all my relationships this way. Lately I have been having issues again trusting my boyfriend. He owns a lawn and landscape company and lately, since its been getting colder he works out of his shop a lot working on trucks and things. I have found several items belonging to females in that shop before and it drives me crazy. There is a room upstairs in the shop with a couple couches and a TV. There are 3 guys that own keys to the shop and go whenever they feel like it. Deep down I want to believe my BF when he says he doesn't know where those came from but I always have these nagging suspicions. I over analyze everything and find a way to make it possible that he could have cheated. Why do I do this to myself?! I sit at work and wonder if he has a girl at his shop. It would be so easy for him to get away with. He has offered to let me watch the cameras to prove nothing is happening before but he hasn't offered that in a while. I know im being crazy and IDK how to stop. I found a girls scarf in the shop before after he had just cleaned that upstairs room and said he had no idea who's it was. Then last week they spent a rainy day cleaning the shop again and female earrings were in there. He said - oh they've been here forever. But if they had been there forever why hadn't I seen them last time he cleaned the shop? Its nagging suspicions like these that make me crazy.

 

How do I stop these thoughts???

[DoF]

. I always start out relationships so trusting of the other person and it makes everything so much easier.

 

There is your issue. You are completely wrong.

 

DO NOT TRUST ANYONE and allow the person to PROVE/EARN their trust.

 

I used to be like you, and each and every time I was taken advantage of or someone used my trust dilusion against me.

 

People are NOT to be trusted. It has to be earned!!!

 

 

Then it seems as time goes on and I start getting deeper and deeper into the relationship I start having trust issues. I guess my logic is - if im going to be getting seriously involved now, then I have to trust you and know you aren't doing anything wrong - I sabotage all my relationships this way. Lately I have been having issues again trusting my boyfriend. He owns a lawn and landscape company and lately, since its been getting colder he works out of his shop a lot working on trucks and things. I have found several items belonging to females in that shop before and it drives me crazy. There is a room upstairs in the shop with a couple couches and a TV. There are 3 guys that own keys to the shop and go whenever they feel like it. Deep down I want to believe my BF when he says he doesn't know where those came from but I always have these nagging suspicions. I over analyze everything and find a way to make it possible that he could have cheated. Why do I do this to myself?! I sit at work and wonder if he has a girl at his shop. It would be so easy for him to get away with. He has offered to let me watch the cameras to prove nothing is happening before but he hasn't offered that in a while. I know im being crazy and IDK how to stop. I found a girls scarf in the shop before after he had just cleaned that upstairs room and said he had no idea who's it was. Then last week they spent a rainy day cleaning the shop again and female earrings were in there. He said - oh they've been here forever. But if they had been there forever why hadn't I seen them last time he cleaned the shop? Its nagging suspicions like these that make me crazy.

 

How do I stop these thoughts???

 

You don't trust YOURSELF, thus you can't trust anyone else.

 

You need to figure out what it is EXACTLY that is causing your insecurity and thoughts.

 

Does he invest plenty of time into your relationship?

Are you guys intimate?

Is he shady? Does he lie a lot?

DOES HE LOVE YOU WITH ACTION?

 

We need more info...

[bulletproof]

Hi all! I have been to this site many times and just need an outlet right now.

 

My current BF and I have been together for 9 months now. In the beginning everything was perfect, like in every relationship of mine. I always start out relationships so trusting of the other person and it makes everything so much easier. Then it seems as time goes on and I start getting deeper and deeper into the relationship I start having trust issues.

 

My guess would be that the more you start becoming dependent on someone, the more panicked you get, and the more insecure you become. You're able to start the relationship behaving rationally because you aren't fully invested yet.

 

There are ways to "stop thoughts" but if you really believe you're sabotaging every romantic relationship you've had, you may not be able to stop your thoughts on your own. Have you ever seen a therapist?

[ParisPaulette]

Well, first you need to learn to trust yourself. What you see and feel is valid too and do you really think you are jumping at shadows each and every time OR have your suspicions been valid every time? Did you sabotage past relationships or were they actually cheating on you or mistreating you and it blew up when you wouldn't play along? You need to determine the difference and if it's the former then some therapy, but if it's the latter then maybe what you need to do is learn to read red flag behaviors better. Aand to proof yourself up against the psychological tactic known as gaslighting. Read more about that here.

 

And two, you need to realize trust has to be earned. And that means not finding the people you're dating doing dodgy or shady things then giving you explanations that are just too weird or don't make sense.

 

What bulletproof said too, about dependency also applies. If you have a happy full life that you are going to share with the right person it puts you more in control than the view of you needing someone to make you happy or give you that happy life. In the first scenario if things don't work out you simply show them to the door and keep looking for someone to share your life with, in the second scenario you are frantic at the idea it won't work out and you start second-guessing or ignoring red flags instead of just deciding that regardless if it's not working it simply isn't working whatever the reason and you end things and move on.

 

Now, on to the issue of this guy. I don't know about your previous relationships, but this one would weird me out too. And I'm not really a jealous suspicious person, but how many articles of other women's clothing and jewelry do you need to keep finding in this guy's apartment before you can go, "Okay, I know that wasn't there before and he's lying about it." I would probably have said,"Awesome earrings, since they've been here forever I'm keeping them." In fact, since they've been there forever you can just ask him for the earrings now. Why not? If he refuses or can't produce the earrings or comes up with some other story then you kind of have your answer that he's not being on the up and up with that.

 

And if you find this fear and worrying about not being able to trust him is eating away at you and your life it's probably time to end it regardless. It may be you have issues or it may be you're dating the wrong types of people and ignoring red flags. I don't have enough information to make a call on that, but you do. Deep inside you can stop and look at your past history and then your current guy's behaviors and actions--not his words--and pretty much know if this is okay or your fears are legit.