im mixed up

[goodoleboy]

Ok, I am going through a divorce. No kids so I can date. So here is my question.

 

I have known a girl for, well, 10 years plus. She is a beautiful girl. My wife or soon to be ex is not even close to this lady. She is a nurse. Independent, kind, sweet and smart. she is always in a good mood. Its great. We have so many things in common.

 

No the issue. We have been going to lunch for a few months. She comes to my house somedays and stays all day.. Earl moring till late. but she has a guy living with her. It is her Brother-in-laws brother. He went through a divorce and had no where to live. She was a single mom (she got a divorce 9 months ago) and having him there was peace of mind. She has said from day one there is nothing there. but she learned he has feelings for her. Not a sexual relationship. But she cant go out on weekends or do things do to this guy. He will not move and will not get a job. He lives off of her. Now she is soft hearted. I have know this for years. She just cant put him out.

 

Now our relationship has come to where we will be seen in public more when my divorce is final. She has plans to decorate my house I had built 6 months ago. She was going to get her tubes tied this month but I made a comment I would want a son some day. So now she is not doing it. She talks about alot of our future. I never speak of it. I told her 4 weeks ago I need time and space to get through my divorce. She gave me 2 weeks and sent me VDay cards. She started calling. I know she wants to really hook up but what about the live in. I cant say alot about him due to me being married still and having sex with my exwife a few times a week.

 

I dont know what to do. And no my exwife wants this divorce beyond a doubt. I tried to work that out. No go on that.

[Jimbo10]

I really think the appropriate thing to do would be to sit down and adress the issue with her.

 

Let her know that this live-in gentleman just doens't sit right. Don't come on as suspicitious, but don't get blown off

 

Maybe you should make some gentle pushed for her to get this guy back on his feet, and off her back.

 

Don't hide how it makes you feel. Be open with her. I'm sure you can talk to her and make her understand. It really is strange!

[DN]

I am somewhat confused as to why you are having sex with your wife if you are getting a divorce. It seems to me this whole situation is tangled with nobody knowing exactly what anybody else wants.

 

I suggest you stop sleeping with your soon to be ex, decide what sort of relationship you want with your g/f, ask her what she wants from you and, if you both want an exclusive relationship together, ask her to move Roger the Lodger out as soon as he finds a place (time limit would be a good idea).

 

This would be the relationship equivalent of getting all your ducks in a row.

 

Good luck.

[HeavenLee]

Hi Goodoleboy!

 

Well, you know what i'm gonna say... cut the crap with the ex!!! Stop having sex with her, she wants a divorce and doesn't want to work it out, so she doesn't get the added benefits... full stop. Start pulling away now, distancing yourself so that you are free to explore this potential new relationship. Don't let her put the guilt trip on you, she made this decision, so now she's gotta wear it.

 

When that's sorted out, then you can start talking to this new lady about what to do about her lodger. She obviously doesn't want him there either, so perhaps you can try to help her out with ways of getting rid of him. Make it look like you are doing her a favour, rather than concerned about his feelings for her. It would be rational anyway, seeing that he won't move out or support himself... so you will look like the good guy just trying to help her out of the situation.

 

Good luck, and please, blow off the ex...

[goodoleboy]

I did blow her off and blow it up yesterday. I got fed up and just went off. She was mad at the world from the start and got real mad at the end. NC from now on with her. She may want to talk but I have nothing left to say or do.

 

The new girl is really everything I have ever wanted. But I cant call her and she cant call me since the lodger is there 24/7. She is soft hearted. Even her mother is to the point of taking care of it. The girl just turned 29 Friday. So its not like she is a teenager.

 

I just dont want to over step my bounds. heavenlee, this girl is 180 degree different than my ex. She loves her career. We have talked at times for hours. We were watching TV the other night and just talking and the way she was to her mate would have been a dream in my eyes. but her husband ( a long time friend of mine as well) loved beer and the bars more than her. He cheated on her at least 2 times per month for 9 years.

 

I could go on for weeks on how great of a girl she is. But the point is she always looks to the positive side of people and is soft hearted. When the lodger states he is going to get a job in the next few weeks and move she thinks it is the truth. Just like her exhusband would say he was going to stop cheating. She is smart but she looks at people in a positive way.

 

I have spoke to her about this just a little. but I hate to start out as a control freak. I want to start out on the right foot this time and keep in mind my mistakes in the past and make sure I can keep this relationship good and have a good time with out tearing it up at anytime in the future. I may be wrong on how to look at this or what to do.

[goodoleboy]

I sat her and thought about my last post. Each of you are correct.

 

The reason for me sleeping with my soon to be ex. I do still lover her. Its hard to do the NC and not take her up on the offer of coming over. but If you had seen my other posts you would think I am crazy for even thinking of her. So I have made up my mind to stick to NC and if it was meant to be she will find a way to bring me back. I look at it now as I am finished. I gave that women my all and it was not good enough. but she also has said she will never have a life as good as she had it with me. So.....

 

Now the advice of what each of you gave me seem logical. I know I have to bee real careful not to over step my bounds. but I think I can do it in a way to help her not just to do it to give me what I want. I dont want to make it sound that if she does not get him out then I am gone. She is so nice and soft hearted it is almost a shame. But he does have feelings for her and she thinks that he will stay as long as he can and hope that she will have feelings for him one day. She thinks it is sick. He is the same as her kin folks. So she is not really hip on that.

 

I guess right now I dont know how to word it on starting the conversation about him.

 

Any thoughts on all this to help me out. If I am wrong on anything with this or my ex please let me know.

[cleverme123]

The first thing you need to sdo if your serious is stop having sex with your ex wife. Ya know how can you judge her situation and be upset when you aren't exactly doing right either.

 

IF you want a future with her you have to let your past go and that includes everything with the ex wife. If you don't you risk jeopardizing your entire relationship with this lady. I don't think she would really enjoy knowing that you have been with your ex although you are getting divorced.

 

As far as the brother in law. You are having a house built so why can't she move in with you. You mentioned to her you would want a son and she stopped a major operation because of your desire...that should tell you she is pretty serious. You guys just need to start getting together and on the same page about where your relationship is going. If she had feelings for the brother in law stuff would ahve already happen.

[goodoleboy]

cleverme, you know you are right. I had a house built and completed in June of last year. I am having to pay my ex around $20k at the end of the divorce so I can keep it. Even though she didnt pay one red cent for nothing. But... I would love for the g/f to move in today. But due to my divorce I am out of luck. Now her son is cool as he can be. He is the same age as my daughter. He is a true boy but acts like a little adult. its cool.

 

Your right about her brother-in-laws brother. If she had feelings she would have acted on them by now. I guess I need to let time take care of that since I know she will get sick of not being able to go and do things because of him. I know I need to stop contact with my ex. Its hard but I know I have too. I am going to start NC today. I think that will be my best bet.

[cleverme123]

Divorce you usually wind up losing something to someone. I lost my car and farm and all my horses to my ex husband. Of course he so nicely moved out, then filed Chapter 7 and when I couldn't pay I got the humiliation of being set out. So I understand the anger on that!

 

Her brother in laws brother sounds like he is kinda needy so she will most defiantely seek out some sort of independence. Needy adults are really annoying! I say do the NC, because as long as you sleep with her and I am telling you this because of experience, at some point she gets mad and pulls it up it will delay your divorce! And women have been known to get pregnant deliberately when they get angry. Went through that one two with my current husbands ex. Then found out she was lying. So just be careful and it should all work out for everyone.