Starting to feel the annoyance of people not knowing I'm a lesbian.

[Biami]

I'm super depressed and I don't get out much so this is mostly at my jobs that feel this way. I have a lot of male customers and coworkers who I'm worried are flirting with me and don't realize they are wasting their time. I suppose straight women have this same problem and often the easy way out is just to say you're married or have a boyfriend even when it's not true. But for me- although I don't go around shouting about how lesbian I am from the hilltops, I definitely don't pretend I'm straight. I just go through life hoping people don't question me and luckily so far no one has. I've neglected to open up to being a lesbian because I resent having to label myself and kind of figure I'm just me and I like what I like and it shouldn't matter to anyone. But lately I'm wondering if I'm just causing more trouble then I'm trying to prevent if that makes sense. Some of my coworkers have picked up on the fact that I'm most likely a lesbian or bi based on the way I look and act and are unsure so they sort of gossip about it, and I have a lot of guys hit on me and I kind of wish they just knew I was only interested in dating women so I could spare myself the trouble of having to reject them or make them feel like I'm being cold and aloof or having my kindness toward them be interpreted as a romantic interest. Sometimes I wonder if I can just sort of figuratively be like okay yes I'm a lesbian you can all stop wondering and get on with your damn lives now and hopefully most of the flirting and stuff would stop but I'm kind of at a loss I just don't really know what to do. I don't know if I would make things easier and harder on myself if I just started dropping an ex-girlfriend into conversations here and there to inform people. I'm just kind of at a loss here I don't really know what to do...

[itstheshrink]

No matter how you look at it, the best thing is to go for it and tell them 'no thanks, I'm gay'. Sometimes, the more lighthearted your attitude is, the easier people will take it. Not that I'm some big expert or something. I just think it would save you the trouble.

[Capricorn3]

I have a lot of male customers and coworkers who I'm worried are flirting with me and don't realize they are wasting their time..

Not sure if I understand this correctly, but you are not even sure if they ARE flirting with you in the first place? If they are, don't flirt back and they'll get the message fast enough that you are not interested. If they persist, tell them you don't swing that way and they'll back off just as fast. Keep it simple.

[j.man]

First of all, if they're coworkers and customers, it should be a waste of their time to hit on you, gay or straight.

 

Second of all, you can use the "I'm currently seeing someone" card, too. You don't have to specify a gender if you're not comfortable with doing so.

[sleepingdonut]

You could always wear something like this: /

 

It might get the point accross, without any uncomfortable conversation.

[Capricorn3]

second of all, you can use the "i'm currently seeing someone" card, too. You don't have to specify a gender if you're not comfortable with doing so.

^ this. .....

[Helpexpressme]

I don't know why your just not honest about it.

 

If males hit on you just say straight up "Sorry I'm into woman" and leave it at that. Most men would find that kinda cute anyways.

[alli]

I don't think it's anyone's business at work if you are dating or not dating someone or what gender you date. Also, I'm not sure if you're in the US but I know that some states do not have laws against discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation, so for that reason alone (aside from gossip & people treating you differently) I would be hesitant to make one's sexual orientation known in the workplace. Really, the fact that they are already gossiping and speculating is something that would make me less likely to talk about it. It's really ridiculous that this is even an issue in the workplace. But I know what you mean. There are plenty of times that I have considered a man to be a friend and they have subsequently made it clear they were interested in more. It's like the only options are to be friendly and have it misinterpreted as flirting or to try to make it clear that you are not interested and it is interpreted as being a cold witch.

 

I don't think there's much you can do beyond acting like yourself, treating the guys in the same friendly way that you treat women & when they actually request a date say something like "That's very nice of you but no thank you". And if people continue to speculate on your sexual orientation at the workplace you could consider reporting it to HR.

[catfeeder]

I'm single and have no trouble keeping my love life out of the office.

 

Your key point might be more productively focused on the fact that you're depressed and reclusive. This can make you more prone to annoyance and to feeling like you're under a spotlight when you need to deal with people.

 

When I'm down and antisocial, I tend toward self absorption, and this can blind me to the comforting fact that people are far too wrapped up in their own lives to be all that concerned with mine.

 

I find that I lose my tendencies toward annoyance with others very quickly when I normalize into a healthy balance between enough alone time and enough social time. I'm able to focus on interests beyond what anyone else thinks of me. People can speculate about me being a lesbian all they want--it's of no concern to me.

 

In the workplace I meet all kindness with kindness, and if it gets flirty, I'm more amused than concerned. If anyone were to be uncool enough on the job to ask me out, I'd laugh and say something like, "That would be a No to dating someone from work, but you're a luv for asking, and thank you."

 

You write:

I just go through life hoping people don't question me and luckily so far no one has.

 

So then there you are. You're worrying about something that hasn't even occurred--and that tends to be what reclusive people start to do.

 

You may want to consider addressing these concerns with a counselor. They are well trained in this stuff and can give you the tools to avoid spinning yourself too deeply into an antisocial rut that only becomes more and more difficult to climb out of over time.

 

Head high, and write more if it helps.