Back me up. . . is this a crazymaker?

[beautifulzen]

This is a bit too long of a story to tell here, but I'll do my best. I have a distant past history of being involved with a narcissist, and if you've ever been involved with one you know how confusing it can be, and that you should run, not walk, away from that person. I don't think the person I'm talking about here is a narcissist, but I do think she has emotional problems. The point is that even years after escaping a crazymaker, sometimes you still find yourself questioning your reality of the situation as they are so good at convincing you that theirs is the real one.

 

Basically a close friend and I had a falling out, or at least she seems to have stopped talking to me. For several months she was acting strange, saying she wanted to spend time with me but never making the time, and spending all of her time when she visited my city with others, only calling me to see me at the last minute when it did not work for my schedule. She lives two hours away. At the time I was going through a very rough and lonely patch and I wanted to see friends as often as I could. Also, I have a history of making myself far too available to people at my own expense, so of course I met up with her even if it was 10pm at night when I had work early the next day. I almost always had to be the one to reach out, too, but started really getting tired of it. One weekend when she was in town she said she'd call me on Saturday and we'd make plans. That call didn't come, but I saw a Facebook post about how she had lost her phone. Ok, fine, things happen, but a direct message would have been appreciated since she was able to post from a friend's computer, but I did realize that sometimes other circumstances get in the way. Late Sunday night I'm headed home from a gathering and that's when she messages me and asks to see me. Against my better judgment, I went, but afterwards I got home after midnight, was exhausted at work the next day, and I was so irritated by the whole thing that I promised myself I would no longer rearrange my schedule to accommodate her.

 

Fast forward a couple of months with me barely hearing from her--we talk about making plans, but when I ask she's still skirting around making specific ones with me, and I'm in the middle of moving. I know I'm going to need some time to get settled in my summer housing, and I don't have any idea if she's going to be reliable this time or not. I tell her that I may not have a lot of time that weekend but I could see her on Saturday. She acts hurt and lays guilt on me over it. In the end I give in, trying to give the benefit of the doubt, and we make plans to meet up on Friday and hang out for the weekend. When we meet up on Friday, she tells me she's scheduled herself with other friends the next day and for the rest of the weekend (huh?). A couple of hours later, she loses her on me, saying things that seem to say she thinks I'm a selfish and cruel person, and that I enjoy her misery (what??). She goes on about how no matter what she does to make things better I'm still upset with her--I had tried on a few occasions to tell her as tactfully and kindly as possible that her history of waiting to the last minute to contact me, etc was feeling a bit too much like being taken for granted, but she still continued this behavior even after saying she'd do a better job of communicating with me about plans. She practically has a panic attack and storms off. I'm really upset at this point. The next morning I text her to tell her I had no intention of hurting her, and she replied she didn't want to hurt me either.

 

This was in July. I've only spoken with her via text on two occasions since, because I have a small amount of her things that I was holding for her since May when she moved out of her house in my city. On both occasions she said she'd text to make arrangements to come get it when she gets to town, but the text never comes. I was always the one to reach out, too, as I knew she wants these things back.

 

This isn't the first time she's gone on off on me--she did this a few months back when she was very stressed out about something when I was visiting her. She ripped into me and into a friend of hers who had dropped everything to come pick us up, hurled insults at both of us and even threw sensitive topics up in our faces. I gave her the benefit of the doubt then because we all have moments when we are at our worst, but looking back I feel I should have handled it differently. I'm actually concerned she's got something serious going on in her life. She's into some stuff (I won't go into details here) that may be dangerous for her emotionally--though those are her choices to make and it is not for me to judge her for them, I am still concerned it's unhealthy for her. I do hope I'm wrong, and I realize that's something I must leave up to her, but as she's someone I do still care for, I do want her to be safe.

 

The whole situation feels crazymaking. I felt like the healthiest thing to do for myself in what was a vulnerable period for me was to distance myself. She stopped contacting me and it seemed best that I not contact her. I would like to resolve the situation with her, but I'm not sure that being her friend is the best thing for me. Even after dealing with my past history with a therapist, there's still a small part of me that wonders if I caused the problem, even though her behavior just doesn't make sense to me. I've learned over time that it is not wrong to take care of yourself and distance yourself from someone if they seem toxic to you, but are they really? My gut feeling is yes, but what are your experiences with behavior like hers? Is it wise to try to reach out and resolve things, or let it go? Like the song says, should I stay or should I go? Thank you.

[Astrogirl]

With friends like her who needs enemies. Stick to your good friends. She sounds like too much hard work. I had a 'friend' who made friends with one of my ex's and his new gf who was so jealous of me even though I was over all that. Then she has recently made friends with my recent ex and deleted me from social media. She's so two-faced it's unreal. I want nothing to do with her and blocked her from my life. She falls out with most of the friends once considered close.

[beautifulzen]

With friends like her who needs enemies. Stick to your good friends. She sounds like too much hard work. I had a 'friend' who made friends with one of my ex's and his new gf who was so jealous of me even though I was over all that. Then she has recently made friends with my recent ex and deleted me from social media. She's so two-faced it's unreal. I want nothing to do with her and blocked her from my life. She falls out with most of the friends once considered close.

 

It sucks, I know. I love this friend dearly and wish things were different. I do hope she's ok and that maybe we can at least resolve this whether we stay friends or not. My gut says just move on, and I'm working on that, but it feels difficult to walk away from a long friendship that used to be wonderful.

[Astrogirl]

It is difficult. I still can't get my head around my friend so I've stopped trying. She's not worth it. I have so many other wonderful friends who have never acted like her.

[mhowe]

It sucks, I know. I love this friend dearly and wish things were different. I do hope she's ok and that maybe we can at least resolve this whether we stay friends or not. My gut says just move on, and I'm working on that, but it feels difficult to walk away from a long friendship that used to be wonderful.

 

How many years do you have to go back to get to "it was wonderful?"

 

She is selfish and self absorbed.

[beautifulzen]

How many years do you have to go back to get to "it was wonderful?"

 

She is selfish and self absorbed.

 

Less than one. It started earlier this year.

[Hollyj]

She's not a narcissist, she simply does not value your friendship. She is also self involved and flaky.

 

After the few times, she is a jerk, after that it is on you. You knew who she was, yet you keep reaching out and putting up with her nonsense, OVER AND OVER. Learn from this experience, and stop allowing people to treat you with so little value and disrespect. Certainly, you have other friends and do not need to tolerate this.

[Hollyj]

It sucks, I know. I love this friend dearly and wish things were different. I do hope she's ok and that maybe we can at least resolve this whether we stay friends or not. My gut says just move on, and I'm working on that, but it feels difficult to walk away from a long friendship that used to be wonderful.

 

You're kidding??? Remember, she found time for others.

[beautifulzen]

You're kidding??? Remember, she found time for others.

 

This is painful for me, and I do believe I explained that this was a former pattern of leniency for me that I've changed. And this has been a relatively abrupt change in behavior for her--she only started acting like this since maybe late spring. I believe in giving people chances, because I'd want the same if I wasn't at my best due to stressful situations I'd been dealing with. But certainly if there's no real discussion and no change then it isn't worth holding onto the idea that there can be resolution, friendship ending or no.

[Hollyj]

How many chances does she need? At some point, you have to value yourself enough to extricate yourself from the friendship.

 

It doesn't matter what people are going through, as they have no right to be abusive or disrespectful to others. I can see a couple of times, but this has been going on for a year.

 

It's time to move on.

[beautifulzen]

How many chances does she need? At some point, you have to value yourself enough to extricate yourself from the friendship.

 

It doesn't matter what people are going through, as they have no right to be abusive or disrespectful to others. I can see a couple of times, but this has been going on for a year.

 

It's time to move on.

 

I stuck her stuff in my garage last week when she never texted about coming to get it. If she wants her she can come get it, but I'm not going to be the one to make contact. The last verbal attack on me made so little sense that I realized how crazy the whole thing was getting. I'd prefer to make peace with people with whom I have conflict, but clearly it's time to wish her well in heart without making any more outward effort.

[Hollyj]

I agree. Most friendships, do not last forever. Treasure the people that value you.

 

I value all of my past and present friendships, as I have learned from all. It can be very painful to lose a long time friend, but value the good times, and realize that you have moved to place of growth, which does not include her. I also believe that if you are honest with yourself, she wasn't all that great of a friend.

 

Let this go, and don't harbor any resentment.

[beautifulzen]

I agree. Most friendships, do not last forever. Treasure the people that value you.

 

I value all of my past and present friendships, as I have learned from all. It can be very painful to lose a long time friend, but value the good times, and realize that you have moved to place of growth, which does not include her. I also believe that if you are honest with yourself, she wasn't all that great of a friend.

 

Let this go, and don't harbor any resentment.

 

At one time, she really was, but no longer. One thing that is comforting is a saying I heard once that went something like "just because you let someone into your heart does not mean you have to let them back into your house." If nothing else she has taught me to finally decide what I'm willing to accept and what I'm not, to stick by that and now allow anyone to take advantage of me.

[Hollyj]

At one time, she really was, but no longer. One thing that is comforting is a saying I heard once that went something like "just because you let someone into your heart does not mean you have to let them back into your house." If nothing else she has taught me to finally decide what I'm willing to accept and what I'm not, to stick by that and now allow anyone to take advantage of me.

 

Exactly....