whybeautiful Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 I came here previously and got some great advice, so I am really hoping for that to happen again. I have dated my boyfriend (ex?) for almost 2 years. 6 months in my insecurity came out. I started causing drama for selfish reasons. He put up with it for over a year before ending it. It was over for a few weeks and we didn't stop spending time together during this period. We basically did the same thing that we used to do while dating. We got back together. I hadn't realized that the relationship problems were the cause of some serious baggage I was carrying around, so of course things ended within a week. Again we went back to spending all of our time together and got back together within 1-2 months. Again, nothing had changed in terms of our relationship. We did everything we were doing before the break up. Again, things ended because of my selfishness. Then, I came to this website. I sought advice. I realized that my issue was what was causing the relationship issues 100%. (This was the conclusion that was supported by the users of the website, so if you aren't familiar with me, can we assume that this is true). My issue was that I was being selfish. I would freak out when I got insecure. I was insecure because I did not realize I was deserving of love. His behavior was not causing the insecurity. Therefore, my freak outs where I would ask him to give things up for me or cater for me was selfish behavior doing harm to his personal and professional life. I did not realize this issue until I came to this site. However, I am a very disciplined person. Once I realized this issue, I have been amazed at myself with how not selfish I can be. I evaluated all of my behaviors and got better. Just as an example, instead of making him kiss me good bye in the morning when he is in a rush and getting pouty (manipulative tears) when he is at the door and has forgotten, I approach him and say good bye and give him a kiss. All of a sudden, he started meeting me half way. Things are better than ever. We spend time together just like we used to before the break up. And while we used to have explosive arguments twice a week and used to avoid spending time together, we are now seeking each other out to work and support each other. It hasn't been easy to get him to see this change in me. I had to go out of my way in some respects. In the beginning when he was wary of telling me his plans because I might get upset, I had to realize that while his behavior seems unwarranted in that instance there is a history I am working against. So, if I got sad, I'd remind myself to not be selfish. But honestly, once I realized the inner issue, it wasn't that hard. Our relationship has changed for the better but we are still doing all of the "coupley" things. I spend every night at his place. I have a toothbrush and outfit there. We text continuously. We go out to dinner multiple times a week. He tells me his struggles and I tell him mine. He is respectful of my feelings. Given all of this, I feel like we are still basically in a relationship. Except we are not. He tells me he isn't interested in seeing any one else and I know he isn't seeing anyone, or going on a date, or really even talking to another girl lol. He doesn't really talk to any other girls or flirt with them though they do try to talk to them. So given all of this. Given the fact that when things were like this previously we have gotten back together, is it just a matter of time before we get back together again? Or is he getting too comfortable with not having the title, but having the emotional benefits of a relationship? Or is he afraid that its the girlfriend title makes me crazy. I think this guy and I would work in the long term. And at one point he definitely thought that as well. I love him. If we were to get together this time, I am confident that we'd work because my lack of selfish behavior would be the difference that would hold us together. Should I let things continue as they are with me and him interacting as if we are in a relationship, me spending every night with him? Ie go with the flow? Should I pull back? Should I talk to him about it? If so how? Help guys! Link to comment
Hollyj Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 No. Do not go with the flow if that is not what you want. I would speak to him, and if he is not on the same page, then break things off. Don't settle. Link to comment
whybeautiful Posted October 22, 2015 Author Share Posted October 22, 2015 You don't think that he needs more time and as long as he isn't actively searching for someone else its alright for things to be like this? Link to comment
dias Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 As a guy I would love to have the benefits of a relationship without having to bear the title. But I guess you should ask him to clarify the situation Link to comment
whybeautiful Posted October 22, 2015 Author Share Posted October 22, 2015 Dias, I know that's true. But I feel like he does have to bear the costs. I think in his mind he just feels like if he were to give me the title officially, I'd want more than is acceptable for a girlfriend to ask for. (unconditional love and 100% of his free time, like I used to demand). I've now realized that those demands are selfish and not what one who loves someone expects. So I wouldnt act that way, but he thinks I would... Link to comment
bulletproof Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 You don't think that he needs more time and as long as he isn't actively searching for someone else its alright for things to be like this? If he needs more time, he can tell you that in the conversation you have with him. Or, you can offer more time in realization of your past behavior potentially making him skeptical about moving forward. But don't just go with the flow and assume it's headed somewhere it's not. Communication is helpful. Link to comment
whybeautiful Posted October 22, 2015 Author Share Posted October 22, 2015 So the question becomes do I stick around to show him that I have changed (love and devotion) and hope we get back together on his terms so that I can demonstrate that I am a better person in a relatoinship too or, do I go NC because he's gone forever even though history indicates otherwise. Link to comment
whybeautiful Posted October 22, 2015 Author Share Posted October 22, 2015 Bulletproof, I like your idea about offering him more time because I know my past behavior makes him skeptical in moving forward. I did that once before and he did come to me when he was ready. Of course, I had not done the work that I have now done so it was a wasted attempt. Link to comment
bulletproof Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 Bulletproof, I like your idea about offering him more time because I know my past behavior makes him skeptical in moving forward. I did that once before and he did come to me when he was ready. Of course, I had not done the work that I have now done so it was a wasted attempt. Okay, so it's probably worth trying that method again. And of course telling him that you realize he's heard it before; just be honest and up front and you should be fine. Worst he can say is no, it will never happen, and then you at least know where you stand. Link to comment
dias Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 I think you should tell him what you told us here. Explain to him , placidly and plain , that you have already changed . Link to comment
Hollyj Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 Dias, I know that's true. But I feel like he does have to bear the costs. I think in his mind he just feels like if he were to give me the title officially, I'd want more than is acceptable for a girlfriend to ask for. (unconditional love and 100% of his free time, like I used to demand). I've now realized that those demands are selfish and not what one who loves someone expects. So I wouldnt act that way, but he thinks I would... You can only have unconditional love with a child. If someone lies or cheats you would continue love them unconditionally?? God, I hope not!!! Having 100% of one's free time, is soooooooo unhealthy!!! People must have lives that are independent of their partners- hobbies, friends etc.... Don't let some guy get all the benefits without the relationship, if that's not what you want. It is devaluing. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 As a guy I would love to have the benefits of a relationship without having to bear the title. But I guess you should ask him to clarify the situation Why are you so afraid of a commitment? Link to comment
dias Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 I suppose most guys are a little bit afraid of commitment . Personally ,it's not like not being devoted to the relationship or being able to flirt with other girls because we are not "officially" together . It's just a bizarre "feeling of freedom" . After announcing that you are officially together some girls(i guess men do that too) become very pushy and controlling which is what i am mostly afraid of . But as i said earlier , i don't think most guys rush to be committed to a relationship . (even if they want to) Link to comment
Hollyj Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 I think that it is the type of people they are choosing. Funny, I know many men from non western cultures, and they are actually seeking a lifetime partner/wife. I just don't understand this overwhelming fear of losing one's freedom. If people are choosing suffocating partners, then the are gravitating to the wrong people. Link to comment
dias Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 I think that it is the type of people they are choosing. Funny, I know many men from non western cultures, and they are actually seeking a lifetime partner/wife. I just don't understand this overwhelming fear of losing one's freedom. If people are choosing suffocating partners, then the are gravitating to the wrong people. Can't argue with that but how are you supposed to know this from the beginning ? I believe that people (notably men) who jump to a committed relationship fast are not so devoted eventually. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 Not fast. Getting to know the person. I am speaking of people who fear losing their freedom. If you are in a healthy relationship, you do not lose your freedom. Your life is enhanced. I believe there is a gross amount of GIG Syndrome in the Western culture. Link to comment
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