Confused,any feedback is welcomed. Where do we go from here?

[sugarmomma]

I am not sure if this is the correct forum but it seems like the best option. I will try to keep it as brief as possible but there is a lot to explain. I know sometimes too much info get a bit boring to read. However, I really would appreciate some feedback because I am sure my friends are tired of hearing about my relationship drama. Okay here goes.

 

About seven months ago I met a boy on a friends networking site. At first glance we didn't appear to have much in common. However as time went on we discovered we had a lot in common. We have the same birthday , similar spiritual beliefs, and a similar sense of humor. So we started corresponding a lot. He flirted , however I wasn't really interesting in using the site for dating, so I never really flirted back. He ended up inviting me to his birthday party. Which I went to , hoping to make some new friends. As soon as I met him in person there was definite chemistry between us but I ignored it.

 

We started talking on the phone a lot. Through our conversations it came out that he was a virgin whom had never had a girlfriend. Now, normally that would have weirder me out, after all he is twenty six years old. But he is also Indian ( his parents are from India ) and has been raised a lot different then everyone else. Plus, he was so honest and open about everything, that I just accepted it with no problem. Finally we agreed to go on a date. On our first date , we almost slept together. The chemistry between us was so over whelming. But I wanted him to be sure he was ready , so we stayed up all night talking instead. About a week later we finally ended up having sex. It was very romantic. Aside from a strong physical , there was also an amazing emotional connection. We became best friends as well as lovers. Things were great.

 

However about a month into things, he started getting weird. We would spend weekends together , which were beautiful but then he would go home and become distant. He still lives at home with his parents , which is the Indian custom. Indian men generally live at home until they marry. Well I started getting tired of it, so I confronted him. He confessed that he was confused and didn't think we should date anymore. I said fine, and told him I couldn't be friends with him for a while and stopped all communication with him.

 

However he kept trying to contact me. I ignored his attempts at first, but I missed him greatly and was miserable without him in my life. So eventually I gave in and told him we could be friends again , but only if he really let me into his life. He happily agreed and put forward a lot of energy into opening up to me. But then he started flirting with me again. He kept saying what a fool he was to ever stop dating me. So we ended up dating again. And again things were good for about a month. But then I noticed him becoming distant again. Only this time I realized that it was because his parents were putting a lot of pressure on him to stop dating me. They don't think I am good enough for him. I am not Indian. I am only working on my AA, so I am not educated enough. I don't come from a good enough family. The list is endless. It turns out that whenever he returned home from spending time with me, they lectured him for hours about how he was ruining his life.

 

He tired to balance the demands I placed on him, with those of his family, but it was making him miserable in the process. We talked about not seeing each other anymore, but at the same time we realized that we had fallen deeply in love. So we went the other way and became boyfriend and girlfriend. Our relationship was great. We helped each other experience new things, we communicated great, we had a wonderful time together, we never fought. He told me I was the love of his life and the type of girlfriend he always dreamed of. We met each other's friends and had an extremely fulfilling sex life. I tried to get close to his family, but they continued to keep me at arms length. Finally a month after we committed to each other, he started to close up on me again.

 

When I confronted him, he explained he couldn't give me what I wanted. He couldn't turn his back on his family in order to continue our relationship. He told me I deserved better than what he could give me, and he that he needed space. So we broke up. I was devastated. I had never experienced a love so complete. I was convinced we were soul mates. But what could I do. The next day however he called me non-stop saying that he had made a terrible mistake. He explained that he had freaked out due to the fact he realized that I was his soul mate and he could spend the rest of his life with me. He begged for me back. I agreed as long as he moved out of his parents house and gave us a real chance. He agreed.

 

However a few days later I got an email explaining that he was too unsure of his emotions. That he needed to figure out who he was without anyone else influencing him and that he wasn't ready to move out and he decided he needed to "let me go". That lead to the next several weeks of us talking, trying to work things out, realizing we couldn't, trying to be friends, realizing we couldn't, trying not to talk to each other, realizing we couldn't. Finally I decided to just go with the flow. We started spending time together and acting like boyfriend and girlfriend again. We went on dates, acted affectionate in public, made love and snuggled. Never discussing what we were. We had the best week of our whole relationship. Then one night I asked him if he still loved me. He said he didn't know what love was. That was my breaking point. I realized I was compromising to much of myself. So I withdrew.

 

I stopped calling him. I stopped trying to see him. I acted cold towards him. He continued to act as though we were still dating. He would send me emails telling me how beautiful I was, call me throughout my day,and constantly tell me he missed me.. I found myself starting to get over him a little. I stopped focusing on him and started actually getting excited when I talked to other guys. He finally sent me an email yesterday asking me to be his Valentine. I reluctantly agreed ( I am still in love with him) but I also gave him a sarcastic response asking why. He said that after the beautiful week we had he couldn't not ask, then he also asked me to hang out the Saturday before Valentines. I declined explaining I was really busy, I also said that one great week doesn't make the obstacles between us disappear. He wrote back saying he understood and to never mind the weekend plans.

 

Since then we have been back to our normal selves. Flirting, talking, sharing. It makes me realize how much I truly love him and it is obvious he loves me, but I don't know where to go from here or how to get past our problems. There are a ton of other guys whom want to date me, they make it very obvious even in front of him. But no one compares to him. However, I am also very aware that he is really emotionally damaged and totally confused about what he wants. Not only do we have the obstacles of his parents, that fact he has never had a relationship before, or other lovers, we also have the problem that is he total confused about what he wants.

 

I love him. I want a normal healthy relationship with him. I want the possibility of marriage and a family one day. But I don't see any of this as possible. However we are soul mates and the thought of being apart is more than either one of us can bare..

 

So where do you suggest we go from here? Any feedback is welcomed.

[DN]

This is not about you; this is about him.

 

What I mean is that you are asking that he break with his family, his culture, his upbringing and everything that has brought him to where he is in his life. To do that is a huge step for him and he probably will not be able to do that.

 

The only way you can find out is to tell him that he either has to make a commitment to you, tell his family that he has done so and take the consequences of that or you will not continue a relationship with him.

 

There can be no middle ground on this one, unfortunately. His family may eventally accept you but only if he forces the issue by committing to you.

 

I think you should tell him what I suggest and let him choose. If he will not commit to you then break off the relationship, do not try to be friends and do not communicate with him

 

Tell yourself it is over and date others when you feel you can. If he comes back after some time and says he will commit then you can proceed as suggested. But do not repeat the cycle you have got into

 

Good luck