I'm all of the sudden trying to save my marriage

[JDdco]

I can't edit my prior post, but "love letter" probably isn't the right word. A brief note to say I understand and am working on myself

[catfeeder]

I almost want to reach out to him, asking for help. I kind of want to give him the basics and just ask for any advice that he can offer her, how sorry I am, and how much I want to make it work. Might be useless, but if anyone could get through to her right now, it would be him.

 

He's her family--don't do it. She would be furious with you for humiliating her that way, and it could blow up your marriage beyond repair.

 

Don't believe for a second that you can enlist his help without her knowledge, either. That's manipulative, and he won't appreciate being positioned to withhold information from your wife. He'll view such a conversation as a weasley thing to do, and it won't work well in your favor.

[JDdco]

He's her family--don't do it. She would be furious with you for humiliating her that way, and it could blow up your marriage beyond repair.

 

Don't believe for a second that you can enlist his help without her knowledge, either. That's manipulative, and he won't appreciate being positioned to withhold information from your wife. He'll view such a conversation as a weasley thing to do, and it won't work well in your favor.

 

You're right. I won't.

 

I'm positive they'll talk. I'll have to hope it's helpful for her. I'm all kinds out of sorts right now. I need to. just. chill.

[lostandhurt]

"Might be useless, but if anyone could get through to her right now, it would be him."

 

He isn't the one that can get through to her......it is you but it cannot be a frontal attack. It took a long time to get here and it will take time to reverse some of the damage.

 

Her actions are troubling to say the least but you can't do anything about all that right now anyways. If you gave her an ultimatum you might as well pack her bags for her.

 

The letter is a tricky thing to do. If you can write it in such a way to lay it out without making promises, asking things of her (more time, forgiveness, love) and almost write it as if you are writing to yourself it might help.

 

The trip is good in that she is visiting an old friend and she will be away from the good time friends.

 

Texting a coworker at 1-3am no matter how innocent is not good for your marriage or his.

 

Keep it light and keep working on yourself. While she is gone you have time to really get down to business. Are you ready?

 

Lost

[JDdco]

It's over. She blurted out last night she hasn't wanted kids, and doesn't want to be married.

 

I feel so foolish. And lied to. It's been more about her issues this whole time, rather than anything I caused. 7 years wasted. I don't have anyone. How am I going to make this work.

 

I don't want to feel.

[lostandhurt]

I am very sorry but at least she finally told you the truth. This could have gone on a lot longer. It is sad that she wasn't honest with you all these years and allowed you to take the blame for everything.

 

A more frank discussion about common goals probably should have been had a long time ago and the children thing should have been nailed down for sure. Sometimes we don't ask the questions when we know we will not like the answer.

 

I do think you have some stuff to work on and you have a good list so don't discount all the good that can come from this. It may be hard to see at the moment but your life is not over. In fact you can finally get the life you always wanted which includes children and a wife.

 

Many people of both sexes just up and walk away from marriages and leave hurt and intense feelings of betrayal and loss behind. Is she being honest with you? Is she being honest with herself? In the end it doesn't matter since her reasons of lack of them make no difference as she is gone.

 

How will you make this work? In the beginning it will be minute by minute then hour by hour and day by day until you have healed. My marriage ended after 20 years together so I know a little what you are feeling right now. You will survive, you will heal and you will be happy once again.

 

While she is gone take the time to spend with close friends or family. Sitting alone in the house with your mind spinning with thoughts of "what if's" or "what could I have done better" is not healthy. Accepting that you can only control what you feel and do will help you down the path of healing.

 

I am really sorry it has turned out this way. I was afraid this would happen but I had hope just like you.

 

Lost

[JDdco]

Thanks for your words Lost. I was also afraid. I had written in a journal a couple of days ago that I thought she was hiding something big, but didn't want to "ruin" my birthday weekend and was waiting until this week. Sure enough. 35th birthday to remember

 

That's the thing. We had kid discussions many, many times. It was always our mutual agreement to wait 3-5 years after getting married. We even talked about family possibly moving here to help. And living with family. We talked about possibly adopting a second child after our first. We talked about so many things in mutual discussions, that she initiated as well many times over.

 

We moved to a new area a couple of years ago, and my work takes me out of town frequently. I haven't built many, if any close relationships here. I have no family around. I feel incredibly isolated right now. I slept on the floor with my dog last night, wondering how I'm going to be able to keep her if no one can watch her when I'm out of town. If I'll be able to keep this amazing place that I found for us, and that she apparently resents me for somehow. So many sad thoughts.

 

How do we do our living arrangement now? Finances? I can't stop thinking about every little detail. Asking myself every question. One counseling appointment. Just one. We weren't worth anymore than that. I feel ambushed, that she's been working through these feelings over the last several months, but comes to conclusions and decisions about us without any serious discussion.

 

She sent me a text an hour ago asking if I was ok. I don't know how or if to respond. We will see each other tonight before she goes out of town for 4 nights, and I'll be gone the next 3. How do we proceed from here. I'm incredibly lost and sad right now. Sorry. Lot of rhetorical questions and wandering thoughts I guess. So lost.

[lostandhurt]

Now you know how I came up with my username on here.

 

One thing at a time. There are kennels that will board your dog for you so look some up. While she is away this weekend sit down with bank statements and bills and start making notes. Put together an itemized list so you can see it on paper. If you cannot afford the house on your own then it will need to be sold and any loss or gain will be split evenly.

 

Should you respond to her text? Personally I wouldn't bother. No need to start some text convo when it should be done in person.

 

I know your mind is full of questions that there are no answers for right now but you have to believe you will be okay and that the end of your marriage doesn't mean the end of who you are.

 

First things first. Start googling pet boarders in your area. Maybe someone at work would be willing to keep your dog short term while you travel.

 

When you see her tonight take the high road. Don't be abusive or ask questions that won't change anything. More than likely you will not like the answers anyways. If it is to hard to see her go to the movies or something until she is gone.

 

The best advice I can give you right now is to be good to your yourself and make this as easy on yourself as possible. That means not going down dead end paths and keeping to a regular schedule, staying in touch with family and of course posting here.

 

Lost

[kbbcoop77]

I know exactly how u feel. My ex wife left me after 24 years 18 months ago. You have to accept her decision as much as it sucks. And believe me I know how much it hurts. Get all the financial and living arrangements taken care of as fast as possible. Do not let it drag on. The sooner you start NO CONTACT the quicker you will heal. Please read this guide

 

link removed

 

This helped me tremendously. Take care it's a rough road, but you'll survive.

[JDdco]

Thanks for the link. I started skimming through it.

 

Lost, it feels like I've lost who I am. Really struggling this morning. She left for work, and is having a friend take her to the airport this afternoon. At least she has friends. She was always the social butterfly. Having a hard time not obsessing over the unknowns at this point. Have barely ate anything over the last few days. No desire to go outside any further than my patio. I am so caught up in just wallowing right now. I have no energy. I started smoking again, heavily. Don't think I can keep myself from crying in public right now if I went out. I feel as unmanly and ridiculous as I possibly could right now. I'm not being very good to myself.

[lostandhurt]

This is all perfectly normal. I didn't eat for 4 days and when I did I couldn't even taste the food. I was in shock of some sort and the emotional pain causes physical pain.

 

Stop smoking before it gets out of hand. Find something else that doesn't harm you to do. At this time you need to force yourself to get up, take a shower and get dressed each and every morning. A routine will help and once dressed go for a walk. Get outside, go to a movie, walk down the mall really anything to show yourself that the world has not come to an end and life has gone on. You need to be shown these things, not told about them.

 

If you choose to just lay around and sulk you will fall deeper and deeper into the black hole which will make it that much harder to get back out.

 

I know you are hurting and can't see a future for yourself but you have to trust me that there is happiness for you but you have to work towards that. You were okay before you met her right? Well there is no reason you won't be okay once she is totally gone.

Also when you catch yourself thinking all the what could I have done to stop this? why did this happen and on and on just ask yourself this simple question: What good will come from this? If the answer is nothing then stop and redirect your thinking to something positive in your life.

 

This is all you from now on, scary as that sounds it is true. You have all the power I this but you have to be willing. Are you?

 

Lost

[JDdco]

 

Also when you catch yourself thinking all the what could I have done to stop this? why did this happen and on and on just ask yourself this simple question: What good will come from this? If the answer is nothing then stop and redirect your thinking to something positive in your life.

 

This is all you from now on, scary as that sounds it is true. You have all the power I this but you have to be willing. Are you?

 

Lost

 

I honestly don't know. I'm having a hard time recognizing any positives right now. My world and all of my plans have completely collapsed.

[lostandhurt]

Plans are nothing more than an imagined outcome to your life. How many plans actually turn out just like we imagine them?

 

You may not think you have it in you right now but deep down inside you have the fight you need to get your life back to what you want.

 

From what you have written before it doesn't sound like she was your everything, your strength, ambition or will to succeed so why couldn't you step up and force yourself to do what you need to do?

 

You are in the depths of despair and disbelief at the moment. Nothing has to be done right now except taking care of yourself.

 

Have you talked to family or friends about what happened?

 

 

Lost

[JDdco]

She was absolutely my everything. And I feel completely insecure without her. I apparently took her for granted funny enough when I felt like she was taking me for granted some times. Funny how that works out.

 

I haven't talked to anyone except my therapist on Wed and my boss. Can't bring myself to. My boss even invited me out tonight, but I couldn't bring myself to go. I feel so emotionally and physically terrible right now. Couldn't picture being around other people. And I know I must be an inconsistent rambling mess on here, I can only imagine how I'd be without edit and backspace options.

[lostandhurt]

Baby steps...baby steps

 

Taking a walk around your neighborhood is a small step in the right direction.

 

You need to take that first step just to prove to yourself you can do it. This is one of the most important things you can do for yourself.

 

I challenge you as I challenged myself all those years ago.

 

Lost

[JDdco]

I did manage to walk a couple of blocks down to a coffee shop. Way too many people, so turned around and left. Had my dog with me, so we walked a couple of extra blocks.

 

Still can't eat. This is the first day ever in the almost 7 years that we've been together in total that I haven't heard a single thing from her. And it's killing me. She did text me last night when her flight got in, and when she made it to her family member's house last night. That's the last I've heard from her.

[sky09]

You have to learn how to be independent, how to find that "you" again. She's 27, going on 30 soon, so probably questioning a lot of things and trying to find "herself" as well, hence the going outs, etc. Somewhere at some point, your communication ceased to focus on important aspects of a relationship, which happens to most couples that just let it flow (float) naturally. It's great that you have been able to look back and find your negative contributions. Sure, you want to be the hero and take on all of those, but I'm sure she has issues of her own that she needs to work out, which don't involve going out to the bar...

 

At this point, nicing her in, proclaiming unconditional love, etc. won't work. You will have to execute the 180 approach, but like another poster said, not tell her a word, rather show it. Time is not your friend here, however. You will still need to detach and become independent, regardless of what happens next. She's at least half way out the door at this point, so counseling together might not do much good, but do attend, if possible. Instead, start your own ind. couns. via a professional or various material on the net/books.

 

You are scared sheetless at this point, that's a given. Fear is driving your actions at this point. Try some meditation or other techniques that will allow you to stay in focus on other things. Don't be afraid of what future brings, and instead focus on the "now" (Eckhart Tolle has some good books on the subj.)

 

Keep posting, tho. We're here for you.

[lostandhurt]

Good to see you went for a walk. Keep that dog at your side, they have a wonderful way of knowing when you are hurting and help just being near you.

 

You do need to eat even though you don't feel hungry. Try and eat something small today just because you know you need to eat to keep your strength up.

 

How are you doing with a routine? Are you getting up, showering, taking care of the dog and other chores around the place?

 

The shock takes a little time to wear off but you need to function until you get your feet back under you again. Work may be your savior as you HAVE to work and the routine will be good for you. Best part about it is that you are good at it and can do it without much thought.

 

When do you return to work?

 

Lost

[JDdco]

Thanks for your thoughts Sky. I started seeing an individual therapist last week. First time ever. T made the same comment - fear is driving me right now. Part of my anxiety. I don't know how to let go of it. The marriage counselor, who we've seen once, also eluded to 27-30 being the "crisis" point for women these days, and for men late 40s. I just don't get it. I can't stop thinking about all of the happy moments we had recently, and time we enjoyed together. I just don't get it.

 

I've tried mediation somewhat. Have a hard time focusing right now. I'm very afraid for the future right now. My entire world has been turned upside down, almost overnight. Ill try to read up on Tolle.

 

This site has been a big help, having somewhere to get these thoughts out and hear back from real people. Thanks to all who comment and continue to comment. I truly appreciate it.

[JDdco]

Lost, yeah, I've been staying very close to my dog. Hate that I'm going out of town tomorrow. Wish I could bring her with me.

 

Eating has been tricky. Haven't successfully kept much down, especially in the am after I've woken up hurting. I'm trying to make myself eat. Not having a ton of luck. Been subsisting off of granola bars and microwave grits.

 

Haven't been great with a routine. I'll be forced in to one this week though. Had a really hard time getting out of bed this morning. Did eventually after a while of just laying there, took my dog down, and then went for a massage at my T's recommendation. I almost started crying on the massage table. A freaking mess

 

I return to work tomorrow. Catching a flight in the am and I'll be gone for the week. I don't really want to. I just want to ball up in my bed for another week.

[sky09]

J, it's okay. As long as you know/understand/aware of what's good for you and what's not, you will be fine. Recovery cannot be forced. I still have my moments of weakness (almost 1.5yrs after - together 5 yrs.) Time heals, and I can say I'm about 90% healed.

[JDdco]

Today was rough. Got in an accident on the interstate in a rental car under my employer's insurance. Figures. I then proceeded to meltdown. My world is collapsing around me. I'm not dealing very well.

 

I can't stop thinking about everything. I started to get teary eyed on the plane. I go through these waves of deep pain and heartache, a brief moment of clarity, and then more hurt. I've been up for 12 hours now, and have had a granola bar and a bag of cashews. Going on about a week of this "diet." I have no appetite, and when I try to force myself to eat, I can't hold it down. I can't find happiness in anything right now. I am doubting my worth and if I even matter to anyone. I'm not doing well.

[lostandhurt]

You are recounting pretty much everything I went through to the letter. You are grieving plain and simple.

 

Eat what you can when you can, in time you will do better. Can you afford to loose a little weight anyways? I ate Cheez-its and Mountain Dew.

 

Being sure to do what you can when you can is important. If you feel drowsy take a nap, if you feel a little hungry snack on something. This time next week you will feel a tiny bit better and that is all you need to focus on....baby steps.

 

I cried in my truck, yelled and screamed how unfair it all was. You are going through the stages of grief, don't fight it...accept it.

 

Keep posting

 

Lost

[JDdco]

I guess I am grieving. I'm wanting to hold on so hard. Having a hard time letting go of the so, so numerous happy memories. Afraid of being alone, afraid that I'll never find someone else with the qualities I loved so much about her, afraid of failing (having failed), afraid of the world by myself after what I thought were 7 great years with my wife, afraid of all of the unknowns.

 

Was able to finally eat a little bit today. Not much, but at least got some "real food" in. I go through waves of naseau still though, especially in the am. Having a really hard time in the mornings, as I'm usually woken from some negative emotional dream at 4am and then spend the next 3 hours (or more if I can't get out of bed) tossing and turning, thinking and reminiscing.

 

I took a xanax yesterday afternoon (had gotten a scrip last year for flying) and it did seem to help actually. I don't know how or why, and can't really even explain what it did, but I did feel at least momentarily relatively calm. First time taking one (kind of forgot I even had them) for this type of usage. It's odd; the couple of times I took one for flying, I didn't really even notice anything. I scheduled another therapist appointment for this Friday, and a doctor appt to get another scrip to at least get me through this period. Maybe some sleeping pills too. I'm worried about using them as a crutch though. I am having some really terrible times and am concerned about pushing people's patience too far though with the mess that I am.

 

I am heading home tomorrow afternoon earlier than expected as work wrapped up. And I'm scared sheetless. I haven't told her yet, but know I need to before the night's over. We haven't spoken at all today. Very minimal text messages while she was gone, and much different than our prior conversations. Not good or bad, just much different. I don't know what to do or say or how to act. Everything is different, so suddenly. I've begun to realize though that I think she "left me" a while back. I'm just playing catch up now. Seems unfair, and I think is one of the major components of why I'm struggling so hard. I do feel more aware than I ever have, but I guess it doesn't matter and is too late.

 

I bought Tolle's "Practicing the Power of Now" on Amazon and had it delivered to my hotel today. I've started reading through it, and making some notes. Thanks for the recommendation Sky. And thank you for continuing to post also Lost, and lending your proverbial ear (and to everyone that has and will comment). Helps to hear that I'm not the only one/first one going through these issues and emotions (when of course I rationally know this, but rationality left the building a while ago). I've been journaling a lot (see: a lot of rambling incoherent notes on my iphone) which also helps somewhat just to try to get some of the thoughts out of my head. Now if I can just stop re-reading everything.

[sky09]

You're doing fine, just don't overdo the pills...

 

I've begun to realize though that I think she "left me" a while back.

 

You're spot on. She's grieved what you're going thru a while back. It's like you feel/know something isn't right, but can't put a finger on it or discard it as "normal", until it isn't. Your mind will play games with you, but always be aware of what you're going thru. Regardless of what happens, "you" will be fine. Time to start discovering things about yourself that you've been putting away.