A few questions

[VSM2002]

Hi everybody,

 

I (24/M) started my first thread on here a few days ago. I'm going through my first breakup after a two and a half year relationship. I'm hurting, and am very sad. I've come here for support (and have gotten a lot of it) and have a few questions for a few breakup veterans, as I've felt so lost in my own emotions during the last couple of months. And of course, post-breakup emotions are in no way a one size fits all so I completely understand that everybody's answers will be different. I have almost no reference points, so I'm just curious to see everybody's different answers.

 

1. I'm assuming it's perfectly normal, at first, as the dumpee to want your ex back for some period of time. The heart wants something even if the brain tells you something else. How long have you experienced this before the idea faded away with time?

 

2. Also, how long have you missed your exes dearly? I understand and accept that I'll care for her and love her forever (it was an amicable breakup) but with time she'll hold a smaller piece of my heart. Right now though, the missing is unbearable.

 

3. How long has the idealizing of the relationship lasted for you in the past? Two months into the breakup, and I am still idealizing the relationship and how perfect it was, etc. etc. A couple of friends had told me in the beginning that in a month or so the blinders would come off, but it hasn't happened yet. And I'm not too worried about that, because I know every situation is different, plus, I was in my relationship and they were not.

 

Well, essentially these questions can probably all be molded into some basic "how long will this hurt for" discussion, and I know that everybody's answers and experiences, my own included, will be different. And I also know that the way one deals with it can prolong or expedite the healing process. I went full NC for six straight weeks immediately after the breakup. And to date, aside from a couple of brief back and forth emails initiated by me (I know, I know. Although, I don't regret it) and mailing back an item of hers (no note or anything aside from only the item in a package) we have had zero contact. So obviously that'll make the healing time more tolerable than say, having regular contact and begging and pleading. I'm also working on myself and exercising, cooking and eating right, and chatting with new people (male and female - definitely not comfortable thinking about dating yet). And I have disabled my social media, never daring to glance at anything she's up to. So I feel confident that I am doing everything right, and am still struggling with these feelings of missing her like crazy. I trust that that's normal, so I'm taking care of myself and not acting on any impulse to beg for reconciliation.

 

Please feel free to share any similar experiences. Thank you!

[melancholy123]

It takes as long as it takes but it sounds like you are on the right track, so keep doing what you are doing. I would suggest you block her from all social media, unfriend her on fb etc.

 

I've been the dumper as opposed to the dumpee and he pined for me for months. I was surprised it took him as long as it did to get over me. For myself, it didn't take long to get over him as I was beyond fed up with his BS so I was checked out of the marriage long before I left.

[VSM2002]

Thanks! Yeah, as soon as I'm back on social media (won't be a while as its full of pictures and stuff I'm not ready to sort through and delete) I'm going to block her and any mutual friends for my own sake, so I'm not tempted to look.

[SpottiOtti]

I think it depends, for the dumpee, on whether or not you saw it coming, did you see the cracks in the relationship, can you think of things you didn't like about it/her.

 

I've made lists of things I didn't like about guy/relationship, no matter how minor the issue. Might be helpful for you.

[VSM2002]

Ah, yes. I can definitely imagine it being easier if you saw the cracks already. I was blind sighted, so I'm sure things will take me a little longer too.

 

I've considered making that list, I'll probably try it now. I've made a mental list but I've learned in the last two months that things always make just a little bit more sense when physically put on paper.

[charity]

For me personally....

 

6 months for the PAIN to ease

1 year for the sadness to go

About 2 years for the Hope to go away.

 

That sounds awful but bear in mind we have children and therefore were in frequent contact which makes everything prolonged and worse.