Did I make the right choice ending it?

[92151794]

Okay so recently I got back together with my old high school boyfriend. He had just broken up with his girlfriend of almost 4 years and they had 2 kids together. He was raised in foster care and never had a real family but he made up for that in his mind by creating a family with her. It was a family he created. She cheated on him and got pregnant with the guy she cheated with. and dumped him even though he was willing to raise the kid as his own and take her back. She had many chances but turned him down. And got with the guy she cheated with. he was her punching bag and lackey. He didn't truly love her I mean yeah he must have loved her on some level being the mother of his children. but solely stayed because of the family they created she was a part of that. Anyways we fell in love after they broke up. We talked as friends as first and he pursued a relationship. it wasn't easy though i was soely his emotional support he didn't find other ways to get over the loss of his family. He ended up in the hospital after a suicide attempt because she kept harassing him. Which was extremely hard on me. seeing him in a bad state and saying he wanted his old life back. Made me feel awful. I was a student (online)and had to be by his side always my grades suffered He didn't want to move in right away with me his reasoning was he wanted to test things out and me to come over for a week or so to see if we get on each others nerves to the point where it ruins the relationship. He moved in right away with her though which didn't make sense to me. He was hard on me I felt like he was taking out his past pain on me. He loved me though and i loved him. He told me he felt love before in relationships but felt more than that for me. He said he hoped we spend the rest of our lives together. He called me his soulmate His ex ended up moving in the same apartment building as him... at the beginning of last month can you say awkward. Anyways he would at times make excuses to go up there like borrowing sugar to see them. A few weeks ago it got to the point where i felt so taken for granted and like he wasn't strong enough emotionally to be there for me it wasn't a two way street so i ended the relationship not because i wanted to but because i felt i had to. Him and his ex decided to talk about getting back together the same day. I found out her bf (the guy she cheated with) ended up in the hospital because of overdosing. I was told she was a big part of him doing that. So while he was in the hospital she dumped him to date my ex my ex told me with them getting back together he did it for the kids. I gave him another chance Eventhough the issues between us could be solved he chose her. He though about it a fair bit admitted he ed up but still chose her. She was part of the fam he created.. He told me thats hard to just give up. despite everything we had been through and the abuse physical/emotional she put him through he told me he can't let her go. I can't understand why he can't see me a person with a good heart who was experiencing caregiver burn out but was there for him. And instead goes to her she's not the best person from what I've heard. I can't understand it it hurts he was my first love. If you saw us together you would see how happy we were. when you see him with her he's just depressed looking. Whats done is done I guess do you think I did the right thing?

[mhowe]

You did the right thing. He never really got over her.

[ParisPaulette]

Yes, you did the right thing. The fact is you've just learned a harsh lesson about never, never, NEVER getting into a relationship with someone who just got out of a relationship or marriage. Never be the rebound girl or guy, which is really about them burying their head in the sand to avoid the normal pain and processing that one needs to go through grieving the loss of a relationship (no matter how much they claim it was over long before they left) and it's about you comforting their bruised/damaged ego. It is not about building a healthy, long-lasting permanent relationship. How can it be? They never did the hard work of getting over the last person before they moved on to you.

 

It shows that a) this guy couldn't live on his own and so jumped for whatever woman was nearby--I.e. you and b) by doing so he didn't have to do the hard work of working through all issues that caused his last relationship to tank, didn't learn how to live by himself and get independent, give himself time to fully grieve and heal from the last relationship before moving on to you. And there may even have been a bit of a "I'll make the ex jealous and show her other women find me desirable" even if he wasn't aware of that being a motive for his rushing to you right on the heels of his divorce.

 

Learn from this, you never want to be rebound girl. I have a male friend whose rule became depending on how long the person had been in their last relationship and/or how committed they were he would not date anyone six months to a year or more out of a serious relationship. This became his rule after three relationships in which the women had just broken up with long-term relationships and/or divorced. And each time he ended up with the women leaving him or him having to leave, because they were not over their ex.

 

So yeah, you did the only thing you should have done in the first place.

 

Plus this guy was either lying through his teeth to you from the get-go about how terrible the ex was to just sort of snow you into being with him in the first place OR he's so emotionally unhealthy and stunted that he actually can't have a sane relationship to begin with. I feel sorry for the kids, they are going to bear the brunt of that little train wreck those two share, but either way this guy doesn't want sane or normal. He wants to either be a liar to you or he wants the drama he had with the ex. You being a good or better person than her has nothing to do with why he didn't stay with you instead. Emotionally healthy individuals choose emotionally healthy people to have relationships with. They also don't rush out to grab the nearest replacement before the ink is dry on their divorce papers. That should have been your biggest red flag about where this guy's head was at.

 

Sorry, you dodged a bullet. Now go NC and stop talking to him altogether before he tries to convince you to be his bit of fluff on the side that he now cheats on his ex/wife/whatever with.

[catfeeder]

Yes. I've made it a private rule that I will never involve myself with anyone fresh out of a breakup or who's still involved with an ex in any way, shape or form beyond shared children--especially emotionally.

 

To avoid setting yourself up as a rebound, you cannot rely on what a person 'says' about their readiness to date again. Time, distance and healing are the only things that can make a person into dating material, and it's up to each of us to look out for ourselves to ensure that we'll involve ourselves ONLY with healthy people who are available for love mentally and emotionally.

[92151794]

Thank you for your reply. Yes you are right. I don't think he wants a healthy relationship as you said. They fight like crazy and I think on some level he does enjoy that drama. Im more of a quiet person and we rarely fought. I think yes he wasn't over her and loves her but mostly theres also the factor of him growing up in a foster home and not having a family. and wanting to have that now. The kids unfortunately got taken away BY CAS and are with his family now. So she's really the only part of the family he created left. Thats kind of how he explained it to me in addition to not being over her which I now understand. He wants to keep up the fantasy of having a family he made. Even if life is hell. I think on some level he knows its not a wise choice to do this but can't let her go as she's all thats left. And he's willing to do anything to have the life/family he once had with her. Thats what I got from what he was saying to me which was. (she's part of the family I created thats hard to just give up despite the grief I can't let her go.) I don't think its healthy if this is mostly the case. what do you think? I did start no contact the day of the breakup but he still texted me to the end of last month. I finally had to text a pretty harsh and out of character text my friend told me what to write. saying basically your out of my life I want to keep it that way, I completely give up on him and if we ever bump into each other to pretend we didn't see each other and move along. He was desperate to stay friends though. and I know the real reason why. Im not gonna put myself through that If he can't see whats right in front of him now a woman willing to spend her life with him and make him happy. and chooses otherwise. Im not gonna be there again when things implode with him and her again. I really do deserve better I know that now. I just hoped it would work out him being my first love from high school. and seeing how high school sweethearts do work it out. His relationship with her was also right after he got out of a one year relationship. But I guess she got pregnant shortly after and they worked it out. I hoped we could make it long term because it was the same situation he had with her minus the pregnancy but I guess not. Sorry im rambling now lol. but yeah Im gonna take the advice posted here and move on with my life. I am working on my degree now and hoping to be a doctor in the future. Which would probably not work out if I was still with him. I just have to keep motivated now and it will all work out.

[ParisPaulette]

The kids unfortunately got taken away BY CAS and are with his family now.

 

I would have serious problems with any guy or gal who let their kids be taken away by Social Services/CAS. Both the mother and father are responsible for that and it means the state had to step in and take on the role of parent since neither parent as able to care for them or was being abusive.

 

That is also a giant red flag. Don't care if she was the one abusing or neglecting them, he is equally as guilty since he was presumably seeing the kids or knew they were being mistreated and yet did nothing to get the kids out of there.

 

I'm sorry, you need to face the fact this guy is NOT the good guy you thought he was. That's just...terrible. And his excuse about wanting her since she's family is really twisted given that information. Who in the F wants anything to do with the mate who got your kids taken away by the authorities? A really mentally unbalanced one that's who.

 

You need to really look at and face the facts that your fantasy of first love becoming last was just that a fantasy, not based on any reality at all. As soon as I heard the kids had been taken away I would have been running out that door so fast it'd have created a sonic boom. Kids don't just get taken away like that. Dear lord, I hope the state never gives those kids back to either of them and now he's with her again???? WT hedoubletoothpicks.

 

Again, you dodged a freaking bullet.