Is leaving a Commitment Phobic a form of manipulation?

[Luciana]

The only way I made my commitment phobic BF want to live with me and then accept marriage was to leave him. I did not threaten him or say I would leave if he didn't propose. I just left him and stopped taking his calls.

He came back after a while with a different song and we bought a house together. We are now getting married in July/05. I ask myself: did I manipulate him by leaving? He did not HAVE to come back. He chose to contact me (Actually he tricked me because I had stopped taking his calls) and make plans. He knew how I felt and why I left. But I never said he had to commit to me. But after talking to him several times and him being flaky about it, I realized there would be no honey coming out of that flower (or no pearl coming out of that oyster ha ha). So I left and decided to move on. I was strong and did not contact him. He came after me. Still, I wonder (and always will) if he was conned into marrying me in a way, since after 5 years he was still avoiding commitment talk.

 

He now seems ok with the marriage plans even though he is leaving it mostly to me, since we are mature and it's our second wedding for both. He doesn't seem overly enthusiastic but he doens't say anything negative or critical about it. But I wonder.

[FuriousSam]

Have you talk to him about it?

[RayKay]

If you leave to try and get them to commit by an "either marry me or I leave" attitude - yes it is manipulation in a passive-aggressive way.

 

If you leave because you are sick of waiting and the commitment phobic actions, and are taking care of yourself...then no, I would not it is as you don't have intention of making them commit. But in this latter case, if they come back, does that make what you did manipulative...I don't think so as I think we have to consider the original INTENT, not the resulting action.

 

In either case, I personally would feel that I should not have to "make someone" want me by leaving, and even in the latter case I would seriously reconsider getting back together with them...of course they want you as you are no longer theirs....we want what we can't have...but for me, I prefer a man who wants what he DOES have!

[SilverManic]

Maybe he was just hurt from the last marrage and thats why he was scared of commitment. But I do agree with the first poster if it bothers you then shouldn't you speak to him about it?

Good Luck,

~S.

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

I agree with RayKay, if you didn't get him to commit by a "marry me or leave" attitude then I don't think it's manipulation. If you left him for your own good then you didn't do anything wrong.

 

The only thing that made me question you was this line.

The only way I made my commitment phobic BF want to live with me and then accept marriage was to leave him.

 

You said you made him, not that you leaving is was what made him change his mind. Important difference. I know it's probably just a "slip of the tongue" but it makes me think that maybe you did manipulate him. I'm sure if that's true that it was unintentional. I would still talk to him about why he's proceeding with getting married though, just to make sure.

 

But who knows? I might be way off. Just my 2 cents.

[circles]

its not manipulation. you left becasue you didnt see the realation ship going anywhere. he realised what he was loosing through his fear of commitment and now everthing worked out for the best. you did the right thing.

[Luciana]

Well, I left because I was sick and tired of packing a bag to go to his house every weekend and sick and tired of him not talking about our future.

 

Of course I knew he could change his mind and come running after me. WHen I left him, I thought it was for good but a part of my brain had the hope he would realize how important I was, bla bla bla.

 

So, I did the right thing by leaving a commitment phobic and moving on with my life, with no threats or ultimatums. I just wish I didn't have to do that, you know, after 5 years. I just wish he had just proposed to me after one or two years.

 

What made me ask this question was a comment by a male friend of mine, a nice guy who is in his early 40's and still looking. He said: "if I found a woman I loved at this stage in life I wouldn't date her for more than I year wihtout getting engaged."

 

That makes me think that maybe I am NOT the woman my fiance really likes, just someone convenient. If I ask him that, of course he won't say that. But I will always wonder. Actions speak louder than words.

[innana]

Did you marry him??

[arwen]

Moderator note: this topic is 5 years old!

[Minx2012]

I think that it's ONLY manipulation if you set an ultimatum ( and then expect him to chase after you ). However, if you left with every purpose and intent of ending things with him, forgetting about him, moving on because he clearly couldn't give you what you needed ( that is good for both him and you ), then I say, it's NOT manipulation. You were simply acting to save your dignity, pride and sanity.