Husband addicted to web porn - help me!!!

[brittb]

I am very hurt, disgusted and don't know what to do or where to turn. I borrowed my husband's laptop for a presentation about 2.5 yrs ago and found some pron sites on it. I exploded (I have an unpleasant past experience with a guy addicted to porn that my husband knows about). He couldn't deny, so we talked and he said it was because he was bored (not working at the time). 6 months ago, I was concerned about some things a neighbor's teenager said (they all came over for dinner and she wanted to chat with her friends online while the adults were talking). So I checked the computer, and it was loaded with visits to porn sites. I asked him, and he denied it, saying the teenage girl did it (right!). She's a 13 year old devout christian sweetheart. So, I added some "spy" software to his PC. He spends about 1hr per day at porn sites (and judging by the descriptions, not your best quality ones - though what would I know). My question is, what should I do? If I confront, I have to admit about the spy software (which we actually discussed the last time, so I'm okay with that) but he will still deny. The only difference now is that he will know that I will know, so he'll use a different computer. He's working now, so boredom is not the issue. The biggest problem is that we haven't had sex in a month, because this whole thing has turned me off him completely. Please help!

[Jenyfur]

Oh my God I can't believe I stumbled upon your post. I put in 'porn addicted husband' in my search engine and this came up. I too am experiencing what you've described. My husband views internet porn whenever possible. This morning my 3yr old and I went to a birthday party - sure enough he jumped on as soon as we left. I am also disgusted and hurt and I have no idea what to do, if anything. This whole thing makes me extremely sad. He's gotten better about hiding it, but I know when he wipes out all history information he's hiding the fact that he's been doing it once again. He knows how I feel about it - denies it mostly but then says he'll stop - yeah right. It's affected our sex life because he's not interested in me - most days he's already done his thing which leaves no room for intimacy with us. I'm getting very upset just writing about this. I'll write more later. Good luck Britt...

[Seanna]

Wow, unbelieveable. Good thing for your girls that I just went through the same situation with my husband. We worked it out. What you need to do is give your hubby a little head first thing in the am. It's OK, Jesus said it's OK to do this. He told me that it was holy. Make sure you "finish the job" if you know what I mean. Ladies don't spit. Next, tell your hubby that it makes you "damp" thinking about him lubing up in front of the keyboard. This will throw him for a loop. (Don't worry, it's a good thing) Then tell him that you also enjoy the same porn sites that he does. Then give him some more head. (Most guys like this, so keep doing it!) At this point he is going to be really confused because he is used to you going behind his back, spying on him and not ever giving it up. This is your chance to strike. Right when he is least expecting it, go ahead and take off all of your clothes and get on all fours and crawl around on the floor and meow. (This will totally blow his mind!!) When he asks what the heck you are doing, say to him, "I'm a kitty, with a kitty, that needs fillin'" and then have crazy animal-intercourse with him. Repeat this indefinitely.

 

I guarantee this will curb his porn addiction.

 

Signed,

A "ful-FILLED kitty"

Seanna

[raveneye]

i don't have an answer for either of you ladies. i don't think there is an easy answer. i am a man addicted to pornography. the thing is, i don't even like it. i don't enjoy looking at it, i don't particularly enjoy masturbating to it. i don't even know why i do it. that's how i know i'm addicted. it's not rational.

 

i'm happily married, and this is probably the biggest shame i have in my relationship. i hate talking about it, so i keep it secret, which makes it look like i'm doing it behind my wife's back, that i don't enjoy making love with her, that i'd rather be doing things with the women on the computer. which is totally untrue. it does affect my sex drive, but not to a really drastic extent. i'm aware of my problem and i know how my wife feels about it, and am able to be intimate with her even when i've "already done my thing."

 

i'm also really educated about exactly what pornography is, as opposed to what pornographers want you to think. it's exploitative, violent, and probably the largest cause of rape (and when one in 3 women *reports* a sexual assault, it's a pretty significant problem). i've read plenty of feminist literature about the nature of pornography, about the way it affects both men looking at it, and society in general. you'd think with all of this knowledge i'd be able to overcome my problem, or not have a problem at all.

 

i'm not religious. and all the sites i've found for men trying to overcome pornography addiction say "ask God for help." so where am i supposed to turn if i can't turn to God?

 

my wife and i have had several conversations about this. she understands it as a problem, an addiction that i'm trying to quit, like when she was quitting smoking, it's something i don't have a lot of control over. but she still is offended and upset by my looking at other women. i would be too.

 

this is probably one of the most difficult issues i can imagine for a married couple to have to deal with, and it's probably one of the more common ones at that. as i've said, i don't have an answer, i'm still trying to break my own addiction. the most i can say is to try to be receptive and understanding. the problem isn't going to go away if it's not talked about, so talk about it. and i know that's hard, because it's hard for me. i don't want to talk about it, i know i have a problem, i just wish it'd go away, but it won't, and as long as it's not i don't want to think about it. but i think that's what needs to happen, both of you need to think about it and talk about it, and deal with it as an addiction not a dirty secret or a nasty habit. there's lots of sources online that say this isn't a problem, that it's natural and that it's healthy. whether or not masturbation is healthy and whether or not looking at something while masturbating or otherwise finding some outside source of stimulus for masturbating is healthy, it has, i think, really big negative effects on a relationship. i've tried stopping. i've sworn i'd never do it again. and i really wanted to. and i'm that much more ashamed of myself for not being able to. all that i can give you is my point of view and hope it helps, i know how easy it is to be angry about this and that only hurts things.

 

as a sidenote...i seriously doubt that "seanna's" recommendation would even work, and i'm actually pretty offended and insulted by it.

[mmm]

I found out about my husbands porn addiction shortly after we were married. I confronted him angrily and we did not have much sex the first year- I left alot. Back then he was in college and He might spend 6- 8 hours on the intranet and he bought movies, etc. He is, aside from this, a man with a lot of integrity and very wonderful so I couldn't really leave. I have tried everything I could think of. I have never turned him down sexually. I have done what that one girl said, I tried the tasting him thing two times a day. That did not change it. I have dressed up for him. One thing I have learned is he does not want me to be those women. That used to upset me. He thinks of those women as objects. not people. I even cheated on him once and he took me back about two years into our marraige. We have gotten where we could talk about it. We worked on helping him understand that I know what he does and still love him. It is down to where he doesn't try to get me to leave anymore. and he really does not do it often. It goes in cycles. sometimes its everyday.one hour tops. other times it is once a week. and even others once a month. I have read everything that I can get my hands on about the situation.

after doing all of the wrong things these make things the best.

1. love your husband.

2. always talk to him with truth and compassion

3. be someone he can talk to about it

4. Pray for him several times a day. especially when you hurt.

5. remember he is trapped. think of him as a little boy when he is straying. this problem takes away his man hood. pornography is a problem that promises to make him feel a certain way and all it does is creates a void.

6. If you catch him with your spy software. start out by hugging him real big. tell him you know he had a tuff day- infact if i were you and had that software i would never tell him. try to pay attention to the signs that he gives. I have gotten to where I can tell that he is going to go there when I leave. get in tune with him that well.

7. give him someone to run to when he goes there.

8. don't try to compete, it has nothing to do with us.(i know it does not feel that way)

9. encourage him to get a male friend to talk to. (make sure it is someone that thinks it is wrong.)

10. he can not get out alone.

11. I know people who have gotten out. it is possible.

12.love him,be there for him.

 

believe in him always, especially when he does not believe in himself.

[jennykitty]

I am not sure why this such a problem, why is porn so bad? they only hide it because they know you think it is horrid thing. I am not married so i won't about the marriage thing there. But i do know that spending an hour a day look at porn ie masturbating is not an unhealthy thing. AND are they truly addicted? does it take away from his work or his life? I mean honestly get of your high horse ladies. PORN IS NOT BAD! Why is it so nasty to you? because you feed messages from the time you coudl procced a thought that porn or sex or anything that mine be a little dirty is something good girl don't do! lighten pornography is all around us. it is part of today world. You can't flip through channel , even on ;basic cable, that doesn't talk about sex or some thing sexual. I am sure you think i am a hypocitic that doesn't know that she is talking about. My boyfriend looks at porn alot, i am sure it more than one hour a day. But, i am open with him about it. He doesn't have to hide it. You are one making them hide it. I think if some women would just take the stick out their butts and may told there husbands you know i am uncomfortable with you looking at porn, i feel like i am not good enough for you. etc etc or how ever you feel. put in terms of I then you aren't putting pressure on him. I'll tell you i use to get hurt by the fact my boyfriend would try to hide the fact he was looking at porn, till i told him why i did. and use it as I. Now we have abetter relationship, in fact sometimes we look at porn together. I think you ladies just need to chill a little and look why it bothers you and tell him

[steaming mad]

I am soooooo upset I have been checking up on my husband for at least 3months now. He has been viewing web porn more & more. We have been married for 2 years and I know this is something that has been in his life before me. He use to call phone sex and i caught him he says he stopped but hey who really knows. I dont know what to do there is so much more to this story but right I have no time nor the patience to type it in I just wanted to let off some of this damn steam

[steaming mad]

Well I confronted him and he admitted to it but we never resolved the issuse of him veiwing web-porn ... Of course we made love last night because he knows better. But what do i do now. Do I bring up the fact that i know he just did what he did to pacify me. and will he contiune to look at this porn ..... Is there any advice out the for me

 

 

Steamy

[MissMegga]

I am a pornstar and after reading all the replies to this post I wanted to share my opinion. I've been in the adult industry for almost 3 years and yes, porn definitely changed me. I do want to add that I no longer make adult movies because a little over a year ago I met the most wonderful man and we are now living together and very much in love. I only do solo work (magazines, web pics, web videos). I am 21 years old and I'm pretty sure that most or all of the women who think their husbands have a "problem" with watching porn are at least 30 years old. Almost all my friends openly talk about porn and I know lots of couples who enjoy watching it together. These people (as well as myself) were the star athletes and honor students in high school, the ones who went to good Universities, not people who "would be into that kind of stuff!". Most of their parents, actually mothers, are the people who openly disapprove of what I do and aren't afraid to share their opinion with anyone accept myself. Although many people are accepting, many are not and I had to adjust to the fact that from this point on I will be talked about and assumptions would be made. What I really hate is when people pity me, "oh, that poor girl! She used to be so different". The only thing that's changed is their distorted view. Face it ladies, porn is not bad. It's quickly becoming more and more accepted by society. You all need to be more confident in yourselves instead of seeing porn as a threat. I love watching porn, by myself or with my boyfriend. He loves watching my movies even! I'm a very jealous person but I'm not going to let fantasies cause conflicts in my reality. I could go on forever but I'm sure you're all very angry by this point so I'll stop.

[StillLoveHer]

Ladies.... Your guys are bored in bed.. They want to try new things but don't want to exactly ask you or know if you will go along with anything... IE.. new positions, new toys.. New ways...

 

My wife was always boring in bed.. It was great sex but well you get tired of the same old damn thing all the time.. I couldn't even suggest new positions she just wanted the same old thing....

 

 

Sit him down with a porn tape and act it out... Shave bare skin.. Please him in bed and he will do any damn thing you want.....

[KM]

Here's my opinion on this...

 

Just think about it. Whether you're male or female, think of your mate watching porn. Doesn't feel too good does it?

 

That is why we don't have this big "who cares" thing. When you're with someone, especially married, you're supposed to be "with them."

 

Now, I admit, for the most part we men are pigs and we'll stare at a hot chick walkin by whether we have a sex partner right now or not.

 

But, looking at a passer byer versus going to porn sites, that's just wrong.

 

I mean, why should a man feel the need to go look at other people naked? I know this is all very sensitive, but I would confront them. If confronted and they think there's "nothing wrong" with what they've been doing, then there IS something wrong.

 

I think that for the most part, you give up your porn watchin rights once you are with someone seriously, unless they are in on it...

[Medley]

i don't have an answer for either of you ladies. i don't think there is an easy answer. i am a man addicted to pornography. the thing is, i don't even like it. i don't enjoy looking at it, i don't particularly enjoy masturbating to it. i don't even know why i do it. that's how i know i'm addicted. it's not rational.

 

I know this is kind of old, but maybe you still hang around here sometimes.

You sound a lot like my husband. He just admitted to his addiction yesterday morning, after I found the porn for the third time.

I understand it's hard for him to talk about, but I wish he'd told me earlier. For years, ever since I found it the first time, it's been eating away at my self-esteem and I developed disordered eating (hey, it must be because I'm fat and ugly and repulsive) and major insecurities.

When he told me yesterday morning that he was addicted, all that went away. It's so nice to know it's not my fault and I really am the only one he wants and I am good enough and attractive enough.

He suggested downloading a filtering program and said he could give me a list of sites to block. Is that a good idea? I mean, I imagine just stopping wouldn't work very well, would it? And anyway wouldn't he just find new sites that weren't blocked?

And does anyone have any suggestions or advice about how I can help him? I can tell that he's ashamed and hates it and would stop if he could, and I feel all sorry for him.

Thanks! I actually found your post before he told me when I was really really upset and it made me feel a lot better. I was like, "If he's addicted I can handle that. I can handle addiction. I can't handle him preferring pictures to me."

[m3chris]

I agree with some of the posts that say that your guy hides it because you're trying to find it. Forcing them to quit will only make them find better ways to hide it. The best way to make them quit....for good....is for them to want to quit themselves. Try getting into their heads and think what they think. Then from that point of view, ask yourself why would you ever want to stop? What is the one thing that would make you want to stop.

 

Can't come up with an answer? Then try letting them be open with it. Tell them they can't hide it. Just make rules. It can't be when any children are around. If you two have a lot of free time....say that some of it has to include you. If you become a part of it, you may be able to figure out the question mentioned above.

 

If you actually start looking at it with him, my suggestion is to not look at his eyes/interest when looking at it. It will only hurt you worse than before. Chances you will see him paying more attention to what is on the screen than he ever does to you. IGNORE THIS....otherwise you will only end up hurting more than before.

 

Be careful. Remember you need to consider your own feelings too. If it gets too offensive, don't put him above you. Take a break. And maybe put your stresses into letting us know what you figure out. I'm sure if we all figure out a little, a solution will eventually pop up.

[Medley]

I don't know if the above was a reply to me or not, but anyway...

I ended up downloading Covenant Eyes, the program that sends me a list of the sites he goes to. He said it was cool with him, and I told him I understood that he probably couldn't just stop instantly so I wouldn't get mad if certain sites showed up from time to time.

Things are slowly but steadily improving. It's all good.

We'll make it through this together.

[Marie123]

I am writing in response to Raveneye and KM. In searching for help on this issue, it was a relief to finally read a post that didn't tell me to "Pray for help."

 

My husband is addicted to porn. I don't know how often he views it, but this has been going on since we've been married (22 years!) and likely before that. The first time I ran accross his secret stash of porn mags, it was early in our marriage and I became hysterical. The fact that in one of the magazines he had slipped in a picture of a woman I worked with (that had been taken at an office picnic and unintentionally showed her crotch in shorts), put me totally over the edge. Even worse that he was fantasizing about a real woman we both knew along with the ones in the magazines. He promised to stop. The second time (several years later) I found a new stash when I was looking for a tool in our shed. I decided to be calm and rational and to let him know how much the lies and deceit hurt me as much as the fake women he was fantasizing about. (I mean how many real women can compete with those pictures??) This time he said he understood how I felt, he was sorry, he would stop, etc. etc.

 

Of course it wasn't long before he began viewing porn on the internet. No evidence that way, how convenient. When trying to find something in his work bag, I discovered little slips of paper with porn websites written on them, etc. I'm almost sure he does this at work on his lunch hour! He could get fired for that. But of course he denies it totally. I know he is lying to me about this also. If he's caught and lost his job in such a humiliating manner, it would destroy us.

 

This time when I confronted him he tried to justify it by:

1) saying he seldom did it, so no big deal

2) deflecting the issue by saying we did not have sex enough and he needed more sex, implying that was the reason he turned to porn

3) Having the nerve to tell me it was just "a hobby" of his, so what's the big deal

4) Insisting he found me attractive and he did not ever compare me to the porn women

5) Men are just different then women, and that's the way it is

5) He'll stop (gee, I've heard that before) so let's just kiss and make up and forget about it.

 

This is so difficult. My husband is a great guy in most other ways and I love him. We have a son who adores him. I go back and forth that I should just ignore this aspect of him and let it go, but I can't. It now hangs over us like a black cloud. What else does he lie to me about? Does he visit prostitutes? Does he participate in sexual chat rooms? I can't keep doing this. I certainly don't want to have sex with him now. Let him sleep with his porn star queens.

 

I am angry but I am also very hurt and very tired of being lied to. Where do I go from here? And please don't tell me to "pray to God about it!"

I would appreciate hearing from men that don't think this is right, and a male's perspective of what they would suggest I do. Or any women out there that have been through a similar situation. I don't agree with the post that said she was going to let him view his sites once in awhile as long as he "cut back" or the post that said to "view the sites with him." That's just continuing to feed the addiction and probably came from another porn addict or someone who clearly knows nothing about addictions. You don't keep giving addicts "just a little" and think that's going to cure them.

[Jamiegirl]

 

 

I dont really have a problem with my bfs porn watching anymore but I am gonna have to try this LOL

[ZeldaPrinces]

This post from KM:

"Here's my opinion on this...

 

Just think about it. Whether you're male or female, think of your mate watching porn. Doesn't feel too good does it?

 

That is why we don't have this big "who cares" thing. When you're with someone, especially married, you're supposed to be "with them."

 

Now, I admit, for the most part we men are pigs and we'll stare at a hot chick walkin by whether we have a sex partner right now or not.

 

But, looking at a passer byer versus going to porn sites, that's just wrong.

 

I mean, why should a man feel the need to go look at other people naked? I know this is all very sensitive, but I would confront them. If confronted and they think there's "nothing wrong" with what they've been doing, then there IS something wrong.

 

I think that for the most part, you give up your porn watchin rights once you are with someone seriously, unless they are in on it..."

 

Is Fantastic.

Its so so true.

And "Marie123" that must be breaking your heart.

Can people on these forums not see that looking at porn is being unfaithful to your partner? You are looking at other people. Its like your wife/girlfriend or husband/boyfriend is not good enough. It is unbelievable that men could complain about the sex life not being good enough and then turn to porn. DO YOU REALLY NEED ULTIMATELY AMAZING SEX!? If you loved her you wouldn't want to hurt her.

Marie123, if you have asked your husband 3 times and he still hasn't listened perhaps its best to leave him. He's being unfaithful to you by looking at other women.

[ProtestTheHero]

I don't think they will see this post. This thread is like 5 years old.

[DaBladeRoden]

I don't think they will see this post. This thread is like 5 years old.

 

Maybe their grandchildren will.