i don't have an answer for either of you ladies. i don't think there is an easy answer. i am a man addicted to pornography. the thing is, i don't even like it. i don't enjoy looking at it, i don't particularly enjoy masturbating to it. i don't even know why i do it. that's how i know i'm addicted. it's not rational.
i'm happily married, and this is probably the biggest shame i have in my relationship. i hate talking about it, so i keep it secret, which makes it look like i'm doing it behind my wife's back, that i don't enjoy making love with her, that i'd rather be doing things with the women on the computer. which is totally untrue. it does affect my sex drive, but not to a really drastic extent. i'm aware of my problem and i know how my wife feels about it, and am able to be intimate with her even when i've "already done my thing."
i'm also really educated about exactly what pornography is, as opposed to what pornographers want you to think. it's exploitative, violent, and probably the largest cause of rape (and when one in 3 women *reports* a sexual assault, it's a pretty significant problem). i've read plenty of feminist literature about the nature of pornography, about the way it affects both men looking at it, and society in general. you'd think with all of this knowledge i'd be able to overcome my problem, or not have a problem at all.
i'm not religious. and all the sites i've found for men trying to overcome pornography addiction say "ask God for help." so where am i supposed to turn if i can't turn to God?
my wife and i have had several conversations about this. she understands it as a problem, an addiction that i'm trying to quit, like when she was quitting smoking, it's something i don't have a lot of control over. but she still is offended and upset by my looking at other women. i would be too.
this is probably one of the most difficult issues i can imagine for a married couple to have to deal with, and it's probably one of the more common ones at that. as i've said, i don't have an answer, i'm still trying to break my own addiction. the most i can say is to try to be receptive and understanding. the problem isn't going to go away if it's not talked about, so talk about it. and i know that's hard, because it's hard for me. i don't want to talk about it, i know i have a problem, i just wish it'd go away, but it won't, and as long as it's not i don't want to think about it. but i think that's what needs to happen, both of you need to think about it and talk about it, and deal with it as an addiction not a dirty secret or a nasty habit. there's lots of sources online that say this isn't a problem, that it's natural and that it's healthy. whether or not masturbation is healthy and whether or not looking at something while masturbating or otherwise finding some outside source of stimulus for masturbating is healthy, it has, i think, really big negative effects on a relationship. i've tried stopping. i've sworn i'd never do it again. and i really wanted to. and i'm that much more ashamed of myself for not being able to. all that i can give you is my point of view and hope it helps, i know how easy it is to be angry about this and that only hurts things.
as a sidenote...i seriously doubt that "seanna's" recommendation would even work, and i'm actually pretty offended and insulted by it.
