Am I Being Fair? Please Let Me Know

[Greg Robertson]

Hi guys,

 

I need an opinion on something that is going to seem like not that big of a deal, but it’s the little things in this situation that are frustrating to me.

 

My girlfriend and I have been dating for 1½ years. I am in my late 20s and a teacher on summer vacation (she is the same age as me and we live together)… This morning I dropped her off at work to be a good guy (25 min drive). Sometimes she drives, while other times she buses, or skytrains. But driving wasn’t an option because she left her car at her friends house to attend a wedding a couple days before. She appreciated me driving her as any girlfriend would.

 

While on the drive, she reminds me that she is having dinner with her friend and won’t be done until 9PM (so she will go directly from work and will be out all evening). I say “sounds good” and tell her that I can pick her up from the sky train stop and drive her to pick up her car (from her friends house) as well when she’s done at 9.

 

So anyways, I ended up visiting my parents till around 9 o’clock when she texts me that she’s near the sky train stop. On the drive to get her, she texted me (a couple minutes before I arrived) saying she was hungry still and wanted to know if I wanted to go grab food with her now with a completely different friend who just texted her to ask if she wanted to go eat.

 

I never saw the texts (because I was driving) and picked her up and we chatted about other stuff until about 1-min before we arrived at the place to pick up her car when she says, do you want to go with me and my friend to eat.

 

To me, it was surprising for her to even ask. Earlier that day, she texted me about watching a favourite tv show together… So my expectation was that we were going to do that after I picked her up. I was being a good guy and helping her out for the second time today and thought we would go home together and do the boyfriend, girlfriend thing… Plus it was 9:30 and a weeknight, and she knew I had already eaten and had offered to grab something on the way home.

 

When she asked if it was okay if she went alone if I didn’t want to come, I said it's her call... but she knew I wasn’t going to be completely pleased if she went. I wasn’t going to tell her what to do however, but I gave her enough of a hint. But, either way she ended up going.

 

This all probably sounds damn small, but its all the nuances that frustrates me… It’s the fact that I had helped her out twice that day, and that she was already out for 3-4 hours with friend on a weekday, which by itself was fair enough, until she wanted to now chill out of the blue with another friend for a couple hours. It was like I literally picked her up so that I could drive her to go to her next outing with her next friend… It made no sense and I thought lacked common sense and the courtesy you give to the person your dating… Plus it was a Monday and we’re 29, why not just say no to your friend… She also knew I wasn’t going to want to go out with her friend (who I’ve only met once).

 

The decision seemed odd. And after I brought it up when she got home, she thought she did not do anything wrong (no guilt, empathy or ability to see my perspective). And that’s the key in what is most frustrating. Obviously it’s a small situation, but the fact that she doesn’t see the lack of courtesy in her decision seems weak.

 

And the context is: I let her hang out with her friends all the time, and have never once judged her or gotten mad (she's very social). I am not controlling in the least. It’s just this scenario.

 

By that way, her actions do not stem from her questioning the relationship, or being sick of me, it’s the opposite, trust me… so no need to suggest that advice. And don’t say I’m being a wimp by worrying about little stuff… I just am curious if you agree with my sentiment…. At the end of the day, I was 6/10 frustrated by her choice, and more frustrated that she can’t admit any fault… But I’m writing this to hear some objective opinions.

 

I also want to know what the average guy would think or do if they were to honestly put themselves in my position?

[DoF]

Something is not right, you sensed it and recognized it.

 

I would suggest paying attention to her outings closely. Heck even start a spreadsheet, just tracking for now. Put down how much time she invests into her "friends" and how much time she puts into your relationship.

 

It seems like she doesn't really care about being with you, which is a bad sign. Choosing her friends over you, especially on a night you guys planned a movie, is not cool.

 

What you are sensing is her making her friends a priority....not you.

 

Track her for about a month and compare # of hours. Don't go too crazy, just count her "Free time" only.

 

In a month, evaluate it. See if her actions are on par with someone that is in a serious relationship and if you are her priority. If you are not, I would have a serious conversation with her about it.

 

In general, extremely social people don't really make the best long term relationship material....as their friends/social life is usually priority #1.

 

So make sure YOU are the priority.

 

As for "being nice", look I'm a nice guy but I also use "nice guy" as a people filter. If you use my niceness against me, I mark it down and warn you about it........2nd time you do it, you are out. I'm not saying you should dump her, but next time you guys make plans and she ditches you.......don't drive her around, just sit back and do your thing. The day you planned a movie, you should've stepped back and not drive her/enable her to do other things. If she chooses her friends over you, let her arrange for her own ride (just be nice about it).Keep it cool.

 

Give it time and track it.

[jenny_mcs]

Um, wow, no, to the reply above. Do NOT "track" her movements via a spreadsheet. That's psychotic and will make you seem completely unhinged and a huge control freak. So...no, don't do that, lol.

 

i agree that the way your gf handled things was a bit rude. But she doesn't see it that way, so honestly, just drop it.

 

I would initiate a conversation, saying that you would like to spend more quality time together. Maybe suggest you take turns planning weekly dates?

 

Do you guys sit around a lot, spend a lot of evenings just watching tv or surfing the net? If so, she may just be bored with your routine.

 

But basically, put your annoyance at her behavior aside, stop focusing on what's "fair" and have an honest, calm talk about where things are in the relationship.

[TMifune]

What you are sensing is her making her friends a priority....not you.

 

So make sure YOU are the priority.

 

This ^^^^

 

On short time scales prioritizing friends over you and the relationship might not be that big a deal, but it is my belief that for many, the attraction and "love" in a relationship are a direct outflow from what they're putting into the relationship. So now's the time for a candid discussion about priorities, or a year from now she'll meet some guy she's attracted to and you'll be getting the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech

[Feast]

Hmmm... Agree with the above post that you don't want to let her use you or take you for granted. She shouldn't have made new plans until it was cleared with you. She should have bowed out of seeing her friend if you didn't want to go. I'd probably let this go but be completely prepared for the next similar occurrence. i think it would come off better if you hit it as it happens. Being mr nice guy will ultimately get you dumped. Basically she needs to treat you as the priority, not her friends. I think I'd say something like "no I want you to come home with me now because I'm more important than your friends." She probably won't even argue with you, it'll just show her you won't tolerate it and it'll come off manly not a long conversation about it.

[mhowe]

I am in my late 20s and a teacher on summer vacation Plus it was 9:30 and a weeknight

 

So how is this a problem?

 

The way I see it ---- you missed the text that she sent informing you of a change in plans.

 

What is the frikkin big deal?

[SpottiOtti]

I would say something like, "In the future, when we have plans I'd appreciate if you stick with them unless you hear differently from me. I didn't see your text, as I was driving to get you, and it would have made me feel really good if you had put the friend on hold until you checked with me. I need to feel like I am a priority to you; our time together is important to me and I'd appreciate it if you give it the same respect I do."