Friends with benefits with ex

[sadgirl23]

Back story: I broke up with a boyfriend. After a week of no contact I asked him for help, we started talking daily, which a month later led to sleeping with each other and agreeing to be friends with benefits. I told him I wanted more, he agreed he wanted to try again but under one condition: he told me he slept with someone else shortly after we broke up and he can't tell me -or anybody, not even friends and family -who it is. He said if I ask or try to figure it out he'd have no choice but to never speak to me again.

At the time I was so emotionally caught up in him that for some crazy reason I agreed.

Next thing I know I'm at his place the following weekend and his phone starts ringing and it's a girl but he has changed her name to the name of a character from a movie. The exact movie he got me to watch with him where she is the love interest. (During the movie he was saying things like "Look! He does love her!" )...

So, of course I then said 'Are you sure it's over with her?' And he immediately shut me down again, saying he had still been hanging out with her as a friend but would call her later to tell her he was back with me.

I can't believe I still carried on.. And of course I saw every little thing he did as a sign he doesn't feel the same way about me. Not as attracted to me, worried he still sees her, knowing her name is hidden in his phone.. Worried what photos I might see on his phone.

He just acted like he could care less if he never saw me again, just not invested, telling me I could go if it's too much. He'd keep picking fights with me, I felt like I had to convince him to see me, he'd hardly kiss me, he was sighing a lot.

I found a note in his apartment saying "you're going to miss me" with a heart drawn around it. He again shut me down saying he knew nothing about it??

In the end I couldn't take it anymore and told him I couldn't cope with the weirdness of it all. I started to wonder if it was a female friend of his, if it was a girl he randomly started following on social media..

We broke up again. Then, for reasons beyond me he calls me up 2 weeks later for a booty call again!

I was taking a look at the state of my life now and my house and I think I've been wallowing so much about the break up that I've let everything slide. I also caved in and looked at his social media. Of course it made me feel angry and I am probably not even seeing the full story, regardless, my mind only sees it as him being better off than I am and having all the happiness and love that I am not getting.

The thinking about it is the only regular thing in my life at the moment. And I know I'm doing it to myself.. While I'm busy not doing what I should he's probably getting ahead in his life, which only compounds my annoyance with myself.

 

How do I forgive myself for my dumb mistakes and stop wondering how I'll feel if he tries to contact me again.

 

Please someone talk some sense into me as the tape that keeps playing in my head is I miss him and why did he do that to me. I know in reality I did it to myself with my bad choices.

Why did I think I want him so much that I'd settle for crumbs.

[DoF]

Recognizing YOURSELF and YOUR FAULTS is a HUGE part of maturity in life. Be happy that you reached this point, many people NEVER do.

 

What you do now?

a) block him/ignore him completely. Your healing will not START until you do so. ANY contact with him = reset of healings. You allowed him to do it few times now, and you are back to square one each time.

b) write down mistakes you made and learn from them. Some call this lesson learned log. Review it every few months to check yourself.

c) take TIME. In time you will feel better and be ready for another relationship. It might take couple of months but do not engage with opposite sex during that time.

d) physical activity - go for walks, hikes, run...play sports. DO LOTS OF IT. It does wonders for your state of mind.

 

Remember, it doesn't matter what happens in life, what matter is how you deal with it and what you do going forward. You can either allow your behavior to continue or you can stop it and make a change.

 

Which one will you do is within YOUR control.

 

PS. Stay away as far away as possible from this guy....he is no good and not long term relationship material AT ALL.

 

Good luck

[Patrick974]

Sounds like you are his plan B. You agreed with being FWB and then wanted more... Getting back together is what you meant, right? Sorry, but him making booty call because he is horny should have warned you. As for the other girl, I guess she doesnt know either about this story. Doesnt look good.

[sadgirl23]

Thank you.

I honestly don't know what I was trying to prove by doing it.

I think part of it was because when he and I were first together he was so moralistic like saying he abhors cheating and booty calls and lies and had talked about wanting to marry me. Seems like after we broke up, all that went out the window.

He was online dating when we were having the friends with benefits too, so he's quite a hypocrite. These poor girls probably had no idea he's still sleeping with his ex.

Or is that how things work nowdays.

I think I thought I could handle it and just use him for sex but I ended up wanting his time and affection too. I was still in love with him.

[mhowe]

For the record, FWB allows either party to do whatever they want with whomever they want.

[Dottieflanogon]

Friends/benefits is never a good idea because someone always gets hurt. You still have feelings for him so it's more than just a hook up to you

 

Look at it from the angle, he is not committed to you but wants everything from you, and is able to walk away when it suits him