Relationship problems involving friends, need help desperately.

[catcus9]

Hiya, new to this, this is my like last resort. Relationship problems, this is gonna be long (if you can't be bothered to read all this, scroll to the very bottom)! I've obviously made up names for this but my nicknames Cat, hello

 

I am a 17 year old girl who moved last year to a different country. I went from an all girls school to a mixed school with mostly male students. So most of my friends now are guys and I never really had guy friends till I moved here so I didn't really comprehend how different girl/girl friendships are compared to girl/guy friendships. And as if you haven't already guessed what happened, the typical teenage cliche thing happened and two guys who are my friends like me and I don't know about either of them. So my best friend here, Alec, really really likes me and told me a few months ago. I really didn't like him like that at all at first, in fact I thought of him as purely just friend for sure, no way would anything ever happen and even when it did, we would never date, now I'm unsure--- I wouldn't say I like him romantically yet, but I dont think of him completely platonically either. The problem arises where I have been dating his friend on and off for the past year, John, who I also really care about as he's such a smart, sensitive guy. Now John is also my friend but we've always been more than friends since we first met as we have this real soul connection. When I first came to the school I didn't know him and then we went on this school trip and we camped and me and Morne stayed up until dawn just talking for hours, I don't think I've ever met anyone who I connected with so deeply and so quickly. We have a confusing relationship cause we both care about each other but neither of us really want a proper relationship but we both like each other. We have never been in a fully committed relationship, always 'casually' dating, which I kinda use as a shield against all I've done wrong which I know is not okay, and I hope you guys remember as you're reading that I am really sorry for all of this and never meant for any of it, and I've never been around guys or had a relationship so this is all unknown and new to me.

 

So late last year, me and John broke up and a few weeks later Alec and I got very drunk and made out, on two different nights. I was in a bit of a reckless mindset for a bit after our break up so it wasn't my best few months. Alec assured me he did not like me and that it was just a drunken mistake and if anything we became closer through it, no drama happened between us- it was more about me hurting John (obviously). However, when Alec did kiss me etc he had not known that me and John dated, as we kept it very private, however I had told him to stop and not to etc during but wouldn't tell him the reason. And we're stupid drunk teenagers so of course it didn't really matter, hormones and alcohol and all, so it happened anyways and twice (like a week apart, that week we hadn't told John). After lots of drama and then me confessing to John, he was furious at me for ages and rightly so. He forgave me eventually and we became friends again.

 

Eventually me and John got back together a couple months later. John and Alec, however, never recovered their friendship really even today. So me and John are dating again on and off for a while, in our casual/open way (trying to use our open relationship to justify this..) and then me and Alec become incredibly close and one night me and Alec are drunk alone together and we make out and then I kick him out and we swear to never tell anyone and whatnot. Me and John break up quickly after cause I can't handle the guilt, even though its not 'technically' cheating and he's been getting with other girls during our relationship (in front of me) it just doesn't feel okay at all so yeah. Me and Jon and Alec remain friends, and me and Alec swear to never talk about it again even to each other, and then me and John get back together AGAIN (I know, exhausting isn't it). One night I go to this party with Alec and some other friends and John is at this party. John gets incredibly angry and all jealous and possessive and we get into this huge drunken argument and he gets very pushy and its just a disaster. Well John basically scares the hell out of me, I ended up breaking up with him and he wouldn't let me go and kept grabbing me and yelling at me saying it was about Alec when really it was that I just didn't want to be with him. Alec breaks a window and almost his hand cause he gets so mad and I'm crying like a baby and John is super pissed off too- it was just a disaster. Luckily nothing else happens and me and Alec and my best friend Jane go home. So after that I'm angry as hell at John and me and Alec become even closer and I kinda start to think I maybe like him. We go out a few times with Jane and her boyfriend (who we went to that disastrous night's party with) and then Alec admits he likes me a few months ago. I tell him we can never be together cause of John and how unfair it would be to him, at this stage me and John are sort of friends again, and Alec says its okay and he won't try anything and it's all fine.

 

Then literally the weekend after he tries to get with me (get with is like slang for hook up/make out whatever) and I say no, and for the next few months he's just continuously trying it on and my friend Jane (being an idiot) encourages it and tells him to and that I like him etc when i never ever told her I did, if anything I flat out denied it to everyone and myself constantly. And deep down I think I might like him so I never told him I dont like him, only that it can't happen cause of John, which clearly isn't enough of a deal breaker for Alec- but it is for me. Anyways, for these few months I always reject his advances and its just a bit of an awkward tense few months between us. Alec admits to me that he really likes me and wants to be with me and stuff and that he can't help himself etc. I tell him that it's never going to happen and our friendship isn't worth wasting anyways--but because of Jane he doesn't really believe me.

 

Then me and John go on this trip for a month (not just us, a school thing but Alec isn't there) and we get back together. But on this trip there's no wifi or anything so I can't tell Alec or Jane or anything so Alec is spending the whole month thinking I like him when I dont and have gotten back with John. So when I come back from the trip, I dont know how to tell him that I'm back with John and break his heart cause I hoped he would've moved on in the month but if anything he liked me more. I spend ages trying to find the right time to tell him but I never had the right moment (I know it sounds like an excuse, but I didnt want to tell him at school and then he was busy getting girls whenever we went out or on some sort of drugs or very drunk so I never had the right moment). So then we got into this argument cause he tried it with me again, when I had made it clear that he shouldn't even flirt let alone try kiss me, and I being absolutely furious, snap and tell him that me and John are back together and that I don't like him and that he should basically F off. He gets super angry of course thinking that I'd liked him back and stuff this whole month and I tell him that I can't help my feelings and I can't help that he likes me. (I never told him I liked him and I'd told him what Jane had said was bulls**t months ago and he chose not to believe me or listen to me when I told him not to try anything or flirt etc, which I'd been telling him for ages too. But he carried on that stuff, thats why I got so mad.) Anyways, the next day he apologises and we're okay again. But it's all kind of just like we're pretending it's okay, veiling the trouble underneath that's building up and going to explode any second.

 

So then me and John are dating and me and Alec are friends but its incredibly unstable. For example, we went out a few weekends ago (me, Alec, Jane) and we bumped into John and he got super jealous and angry again that me and Alec went out together (even though he knows Alec is my best friend and I pretty much have no other friends other than Jane, and two girls going out alone in South Africa is not a good idea.) He starts going off about me and Alec even though for all John knows nothing happened between us since last year and he doesn't know Alec likes me (although from the beginning of our friendship, he always told me he did and was always kinda possessive, one of the things that annoys me about him, but it is now obviously very justified). But anyways, me and Alec are hanging out when John grabs me and takes me to the side and tells me to stay away from Alec etc. I tell him me and Alec are fine and are just friends etc but I leave the bar to find my other close friend Rhys- who is also good friends with John and Alec .When I come back, Alec has punched a wall (he has anger issues, Alec is a very big athlete guy but a huge shy softie, but also slightly aggro sometimes) and John has disappeared and I wasn't there and they won't tell me what happened but I'm guessing they got into an argument. I am honestly terrified that their going to get into a fight one day, and Alec will beat the out of John. John is a bit of an arrogant, conceited sometimes and still a relatively tall/big guy but he's skinny, more on the smart/nerdy side, whereas Alec is very cute and awkward but huge and very strong. And they are both very protective and possessive of me, like when we go out they won't let any other guys near me etc and Alec has told me that he tells guys to f**k off behind my back when I'm not looking and when we walk down the street he'll push all people near me out of my way and shove any guys near me away etc. I know someone is probably thinking (as this is the reaction that i've gotten from some friends) "oh poor girl has two boys madly in love with her". Well as great as that sounds to some people, the reality is that last year I had a solid group of friends (Me, Alec, Rhys, Jane, John) that I've torn apart (John and Alec can't hang out anymore, and Jane and Rhys had a thing that went sour so they dont hang out anymore either). One guy is on the verge of being a druggie and is an incredibly angry person deep down who loses his temper very easily and has told me that this has been the worst year in his life due to me, and the other is depressed and self harms and has tried to kill himself multiple times in the past year and it terrifies me that I could be a reason. And both of them are on the verge of fighting constantly and they depend very heavily on me to take care of them emotionally as neither of them have ever had any friends who actually care about them. (typical bro type guys- repress all emotions, dont talk about them to their friends etc, so I'm the only one all of them can talk to). So yeah, not a fun situation, and a lot of pressure on me to keep everything okay and make everyone happy and its just impossible.

 

Carrying on, last week I broke up with John for what I said was going to be the complete final time ever as I need to focus on exams coming up and can't deal anymore with all of this drama. I've also tried to distance myself from Alec ( I'm very emotionally attached to him, as he's my only other friend in this country etc but I of course had to distance myself after everything from the past few months). But I'm kind of starting to have feelings for Alec, even though I told him I didn't like him at all just like a month ago, but then last night i went out to see Rhys. I didnt know John would be with him and me and John ended up kissing and I told John I was too drunk for all this and to make good decisions, i probably would've made out with a tree at this point, but boys dont listen so yeah. I went home pretty quick after that cause I was confused and upset of course so we didn't talk. Now I've woken up this morning just not knowing what the hell is going on and what to do. I dont know where me and John stand. I dont know if I like Alec or not. I know I like John, but we clash a lot too and i dont trust him and he can be a bit of a d**k sometimes. Alec is like the sweetest guy in the world and I do trust him, but I dont know how I could be with him after all this and do that to John, and I don't know if me and Alec would get along as a couple- and mainly I would hate to ruin our friendship for some stupid two month relationship.

 

I care so much about both of them and I never wanted to hurt either of them, I didnt mean for any of this to happen. I've tried so many times to get out of all this, and i've told both of them to stop being my friend and just to stay away cause I always hurt them but they dont listen.I have no one to talk to about this as my friends back home don't understand cause they can't see it and they don't know the people, and Rhys is too busy with his own problems and Jane is no help, she just wants me to lose my virginity to one of them and she doesn't really get that it goes much deeper than just sex at this point (and that if i do do it, I want it to be with someone I 100% trust and want to lose it to). I dont trust either Alec or John to just be friends with me honestly, like its fine when we're all sober or at least if I am but when I'm drunk I'm stupid and reckless and honestly, like most girls, a bit stupid and ty. And the boys are very much aware of that and take advantage of that fact. Moving country and being all alone and all this stuff has really badly affected me and I've started being depressed again and self harming etc and its just all too much. I dont know what to do. I need to make a decision about John and Alec so I can actually focus on making myself stable and healthy-- cause I am so distracted and guilt ridden and scared and angry and everything from all of this and there are huge exams coming up and instead of focusing on them, all I can think about is them and how horrible I am and how I've hurt them. Its incredibly irritating cause I like to think that I am above thinking about boys all the time, and usually I am, but this has all driven me crazy. I am so confused. I am terrible at dealing with emotions and my parents are terrible examples of a healthy relationship and I've never had a good male role model in my life (grandpa is an alcoholic, dad has basically been gone my whole life, my older brother is an abusive drug addict) so I find it hard to trust guys and all my friends are a thousand miles away from me and I just can't handle all this confusion and guilt and just everything.

 

I really need some help. And no one I know is any help at all, so I'm asking you- the internet. Please tell me what in the world I should do. I dont know how to think or feel about any of this or towards them. I love them both and I care about them both but I dont know in what way I love them and if I want to be with either of them or what. Im not good at relationships or being with people or feelings in general. Honestly I'd rather be single and be left the hell alone, but I can't ignore my feelings towards them. Please help me, what should I do?? Should I just be single and cut of everything with both of them and lose them both and be all alone again? Or should I choose one and stick to that decision and just lose one of them? Or what?

Thanks so much for reading this and any replies. I really need help with all this.

 

 

Basic summary for the lazy people:

Two guys like me who are my best friends, I dated/ am dating one of them, John. Have made out with the other one in the past, Alec. John and Alec are very different and both have their bad points (john's mentally unstable, tried to kill himself, very jealous and a bit controlling, slightly arrogant and cruel, sadistic-likes to mock people etc) (Alec is a very sweet guy, represses a lot of emotions, anger issues, doesn't really listen when I say no to him, very protective, acts like he's my boyfriend when I emphasise constantly that he shouldn't act like that). I dont know if I want to be with either of them or just cut them both off or choose one of them. They both hate each other. I am an idiot, especially when drunk. We're all stupid teenagers. Help please!

[mhowe]

Stay single. Choose neither.

[reinventmyself]

Please revise, shorten and use paragraphs

You'll get more respones.

[catcus9]

I made paragraphs and there is a summary for anyone who can't be bothered to read the whole thing at the bottom of it

[mhowe]

Calling people lazy probably turned some off.

[lexi17]

I have to agree with the first poster. I'm 17 too, and I know the dating/friendships can be really confusing. But it doesn't sound like either of these guys is good boyfriend material. There are lots of guys our age (well I know about 3, but that's just at one school who will listen when a girl says no and who are mentally stable. I wouldn't pick either of them, and I think if you were already in love with either of them, you wouldn't be questioning who to be with. Since you're not, get out now before you develop heavier feelings for someone who isn't good to you.