Really in need of some advice. Still in love with him..

[caitie4998]

My ex boyfriend and I were together 4 months long distance, he lives 3 hours away. We're 17, but please don't discount what I say just because I'm young. We met while I was at my beach house. He broke up with the girl he was with at the time to be with me. When we had been dating for a while he would tell me that he knew I was his soulmate and that he wanted to marry me some day so we'd have to stay in touch no matter what happens. We never fought and I've never met a guy like him, instead of getting mad or upset he'd try to understand me and what I was doing. He made me so happy and made me feel so loved and I've never felt so comfortable with someone before. Anyways, as long as I've known him he's been horrible with his phone, he has good intentions but he always forgets about it. Towards the last 3 weeks of the relationship he apparently started getting really busy and he was taking a long time to respond to texts and we weren't face timing for 2/3 days at a time. After about a week of it I talked about it with him and he told me that he was scared I was gonna break up with him and that he'd try his absolute best because he loved me so much and couldn't bare to lose me. It went on for another two weeks and I got mad so I asked him if anything was up and he said of course not and that he loved me so much. I asked him to call me and halfway through the call he broke up with me, telling me that he couldn't do the distance anymore because it wasn't fair to me because he knew he'd be busy over the summer and it'd make me mad, and that it made him feel guilty when he was out with friends because he knew I'd get mad. I feel so bad because I had no idea I was making him feel like that. He texted me that night and asked if we could stay friends, and if not he understood. I recognize that it's probably my fault we broke up. I told him I didn't know yet and that I needed some space so we didn't talk for two weeks and then I texted him. We talked normally and he said he'll still stay friends and after that we joked around for a day. I texted him two weeks after that but he never replied and we haven't talked since then, which was in july. He hasn't been on any social media since then either... it's been almost 2 months since we broke up and I still cry every day because I'm head over heels in love with him but we did talk about getting back together and he said that I'm "beautiful and a great person" but that he doesn't think he can be in a relationship with me long distance right now. I just feel like a piece of me is missing and that sounds so cheesy but it's so true. I'm not one to be superstitious or believe in signs but I'd been praying to God to send me a sign if it was meant to be, and a few days later I got a fortune cookie that said "someone you care about seeks reconciliation" and it freaked me out a lot. It always seemed like he had such a genuine interest in keeping me in his life long term, so how could it all just fade away? I'm very careful about who I let into my life, especially guy-wise, and he's the most amazing guy I've ever met. A lot of people tell me I need to talk to him and I want to, I'm just scared of annoying him incase he hates me now or something. And in my opinion I feel like it would be annoying to bring our relationship up again because I did in July and he basically lightly told me he wasn't interested in a relationship, so I don't want to be that one ex who doesn't get the hint. But I want to know where we stand. If he's actually interested in being friends, I want to know that. I kind of want to tell him that I still love him and everyone says I should, but I'm scared of sounding desperate or clingy. I don't want him to get a text from me and roll his eyes saying "oh god not her again". If he doesn't love me anymore, I want to know that. But what do I say to him? How do I go about talking to him, while at the same time ensuring that I won't get ignored? I'm kind of interested in talking on the phone or over FaceTime so I can see or hear his emotions. Also, I may be in his state sometime before summer ends. It would be so much easier if we had a mutual friend because I could have him or her talk to him but we don't. What do I do??

[RainyCoast]

Aww OP...

 

he wasn't getting really busy. Someone working two jobs and singlehandedly raising two little children is busy. His interest simply faded. Long distance is very hard to do.

 

you didn't "make him feel like that" and it wasn't "your fault" that you broke up. He had other fun distractions, and possibly a whole lot of girls on vaca right under his nose and that was simply easier and more rewarding to tend to than communicating with a girl who, however wonderful, cannot offer much more than conversation (and feelings that can't materialise), given the distance.

 

I'm very sorry caitie. I don't think you should contact him. He has been tapering off the contact with you since the last 3 weeks of the relationship. Then he repeatedly made it very clear he doesn't want to do this LDR thing with you. Telling him you have feelings for him won't change anything. He already knows that. And he doesn't feel for you with same intensity.

 

Are you following on what you'd be up for even if he graced you with his presence after the summer was over? basically: he drops you like nothing. you beg, are rejected repeatedly, he's having all the summer fun he wants, you wait on the backburner and agree to be available when summer and his other options have run out. then maybe you're good enough to give another go.

 

I know that's the last thing you want to hear now. But you deserve so much more than someone who needs to be pleaded with, granted a summer of singles' fun and waited for until they figure even an LDR is good enough when the girls of summer have returned to school.

 

On the plus side, school is starting soon for you as well and your peers will be returning from vaca. It's the perfect time to reconnect with your real life friends and peers closer to you. It would definitely help get your mind off this boy and perhaps meet one who is available- emotionally and physically.

 

Hugs.

[mikesmith1]

It was not your doing again i hate to say it but Same thing happened to me i even posted about it..she slowly cut off all communication and when i asked why "i thought we were going to be friends" she blew up at me said i was harassing her and never heard from her again..I call it the phaseout plan

step 1..I need space(while i look for a replacement)

step 2..Try to let you down easy(its not you its me..but ya it is you)

step 3.."we can be friends"..but I'm too busy with my new BF/GF and i am just buying time hoping you will fade away

step 4..I will slowly start talking less and less and if you persist i will get mad and make it sound like it your fault and cut everything off for good.

[mikesmith1]

And she is 100% correct..I am in it now still miss her like crazy yet i know she don't give a s*#t.

[Tanzi]

I met my first love at 17. We were together for almost 4 years so I would never discount someone's feelings just because they are young.

 

I know you are hurting right now and have a tonne of questions but, sweetheart, you already have your answers.

 

He has told you he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you and he isn't committed to making a "friendship" work. If he still loved you he would be with you ... and if he really wanted to be friends with you he would, at the very least, reply to your texts.

 

Friendship isn't really what you want anyway so why put yourself through the emotional hassle of trying to make a friendship work when it isn't really going to satisfy you? It is going to be very hard work with little to no reward for you. Honestly, it isn't even worth going down that road and will only be dragging this out far longer than is necessary. I know it is hard to let go of someone you are still emotionally attached to but there is no point in hanging on to someone who doesn't want to be hung on to.

 

I agree with RainyCoast, you need to reconnect with your real life friends. The busier you are the less time you will have to think about him. It might not feel like it to start off with but you will gradually disconnect from him emotionally. If you hang under the pretext of "friends", you won't allow yourself the chance to disconnect from him and you will stay stuck right where you are now.