Mother and older sister are against me

[nodramaqueen41]

I have pretty much always felt ganged up on by my mother and my only sibling. They will go places together and want my 8 year old daughter to go but will never invite me. My sister has two teenage sons in high school and a girl in the 8th grade. She is very close with the younger son and her daughter but the oldest son (the boys were adopted as toddlers) has oppositional defiant disorder more than likely from what he remembers seeing from his biological parents. He can't help it, even though he is at times difficult to be around, but my sister and my mother treat him also like an outsider. She will take the younger son and daughter with her everywhere but always leaves the oldest at home. And my mother even said "I don't want anything to do with him because he depresses me". My sister has talked about me to her golden children and now they act as if I'm a stranger when I say hi to them. I'm really ready to cut ties with both my mother and sister and I feel that even though my daughter should be a part of their lives, why should I let them? Just completely frustrated with the whole situation and need some advice m

[SophieGrace]

I can't imagine your mother and sibling actually call your 8-year-old daughter on the phone and ask her to go somewhere without you being the middle woman. Have you asked them why they aren't inviting you as well?

[abitbroken]

Ok - there is a lot swirling around in this post related and not related.

 

1) The sister does not take the oldest son places because he has ODD and you don't think that's fair.

2) The sister feels depressed by the oldest.

3) Your mother takes your daughter out without you.

 

These things are not really related.

 

1) If you don't want him to feel excluded, have you ever decided you are going to ask this older son out to do something with you? Do you truly know what your sister goes through on a day to day basis parenting him? It may be very, very exhausting for her. She may be at her wits end She may feel she does not pay enough attention to the other kids and so when she goes out, she takes them and not him. It is common when one child is special needs or has behavior issues, the parents worry about the other kids getting lost in the shuffle - not catching them doing good things, not having time to chat or be with them.

 

I know you are quick to blame her, but do YOU ever think about taking him out to something one on one - just him and you, and spending time with him?

 

2) It is okay for mom to feel exhausted or depressed by a child who is difficult. Maybe not the most tactful thing to say, but if she was a stranger and not your sis, would you blame her.

 

3) As far as your daughter, there were plenty of times i did things with grandma that excluded mom.

If mom is just taking out the grandkids and NOt your sister, you have nothing to complain about. That is what grandma's do.

 

If you would like to do something with your child, mom and sister, instead of just sitting home being upset about being excluded, why not INCLUDE them. Express interest in enjoying a spa day for you, mom, sis, and the older girl to get manicures. invite all of them over for a bbq. Invite them to your daughter's games or recitals and host them in your home. If you want to be included - initiate. have you ever told them - "oh, Daughter and I would love to be come" when you hear about a plan they invite your daughter too?

 

I have a sibling that can take things VERY personally, so for awhile when there were plans directed at her husband or child, we did not call her up. We would call the person in the family that the situation applied to because she made a federal case of everything and they would discuss it with her. She has gotten better. But before it was just not worth the war.

 

 

She will take the younger son and daughter with her everywhere but always leaves the oldest at home.

 

When I was old enough to drive, and/or a junior or senior, my parents would often take the younger kids who were in grade school or couldn't drive yet to places with them and not automatically take me. The younger kids had no choice to go, but as far as me unless it was an extended family party sometimes they told me where they were going and asked if I wanted to come, or not, but i didn't always want to go to where the younger kids were dragged because they had no choice in the matter. I had school work, and what not, or just wanted a minute alone instead of going clothes shopping with them, etc. Maybe he is asked and does not want to go - which is a possible as much as his behavior prevents it