Was this emotional blackmail?

[Avro1986]

Hi everyone,

 

I wrote about my ex before, but I am seeing a psychologist to help me deal with a lot of stressful/sad events in my life while taking anti-depressants. I am talking with her about what I am going through and about how my ex used me, lied to me, and dumped me in a time of crisis (i.e. kicked out of PhD program before Christmas over bs politics and conflicts with my supervisor).

 

So, I met my ex online and we dated for 3 months. At first, she was very affectionate and loving. I didn't want to open up to too fast and she got angry one night saying: "if you're not serious about this relationship, let me know." We ended up hanging up. I felt very bad and tried to reach her for two days. The night I finally met her, I cried afraid of losing her because she seemed so great. The reality is that my mother left when I was 4 to have another family. When I was a teenager, she told me that I was a mistake (so she could justified her second family). I am 28 and had felt not worth being loved for a long time. Hence, when my ex came along and thought she was amazing, I felt guilty and shared with her very personal stories. She smiled and said that she "wanted to be my woman". I felt safe. Problem is: when I got kicked out of the PhD, she started acting differently. In fact, she cancelled dates to secretly go party with her friends, made me feel guilty for leaving a New Year's party at 2:30am (even I had to work at 7am) and got mad at me for not wanting to go see a priest to "confess my sins". Granted, a fight takes two, but I got angry because I felt manipulated emotionally.

 

The last fight we had was about confessing sins. She said: "let's not talk for 2 days because I think that we are very different." She's right: although she had an MBA, she was a party animal (with a former meth problem that I found out later) and I wasn't. Anyways, I got hurt and mad. I said: "If you want to break up with me, do it now or leave me alone!" She babbled and said hesitating: "well, what? why do you say that?" and she threatened to hang up the phone because I was "being disrespectful". I hung up on her and texted: "I am not perfect, I am going through a very hard time right now. I am sorry if I am emotional, but I am loving, caring, and know who I am. If you want to break up with, do it now, or leave me alone." She replied: "You need to calm down and become again the man I fell in love with. Call me when you feel better."

 

We met 2 days later and she broke up with me saying that I had scared her. I said: "What about you telling me you love me and gave me your word you be there for me while I get through this? You lied!" She didn't answer. I tried to explain how her actions were hurtful while accepting full responsibilities for my words, but she said: "you're not the only one who got kicked out of their PhD, so you have no reasons to act that way!"

 

I was speechless, and said: "I accept your decision. I am sorry that I made you feel this way. I wish you happiness, health, and success" I walked out and waited for the light to change. She started crying about how a good guy I was, that I had a heart of gold, and that she had never felt so close to someone before." I said: "I am not staying your friend while you date/have sex with other guys." She cried more and fell for it. She insisted in driving me home, and told her that I would see a psychologist. She said that I needed to fix my problems before we got back together, but that she would love for us to be together again. She added that she did everything that she could to help me but needed to focus on her career. She led me on for 6 weeks until she said that she needed to think about what she wanted. I let her go.

 

I felt extremely betrayed and used. She's the one who talked about marriage and cutting my balls off if I ever cheated on her (she had in the past). so I lost my PhD and girlfriend during the holidays...and contemplated suicide. Crying uncontrollably, hurting myself,...BUT I have been seeing the psychologist since then. It's helping because I feel more optimistic and applying to med and vet school. The suicide thoughts are less frequent and I stopped cutting myself. The psychologist said that I get very angry when hurt because of past wounds (that we are addressing), but that my ex did have her share of responsibilities. According to my psychologist, my ex was manipulative and lied to herself about who she was and what she really wanted. Essentially, I should have been more careful about sharing. In fact, I should have let my ex's actions speak for themselves rather than her words. She used to say things like: "I can't believe that you just did that to me!","There are certain things that I learned about you, but I not telling you. You have to live with it" or "You've done enough damage! You want to leave the party? Then go!"

 

I am not perfect, but I never called her names, cheated on her, hit her, or stole from her. I just feel so stupid right now and not worthy.

[Willywagtail]

All this drama in 3 months. Wow.

 

It's great that you're seeing a therapist, talking about it and working it through.

 

From what you've written - you invested too much of yourself too early. Possibly your feelings of potential abandonment and insecurity played into this, with you believing that this would help you feel secure, and please her.

 

The early stages of a relationship are usually when couples 'check each other out'. Many couple jump in feet first straight into the deep end. It doesn't take much for early relationships to fail when you're drowning.

 

For what your written, your ex was demanding and blamed you for the things that were difficult between you. My guess is that this as easy for her to do, partly because she's a controlling princess, but also because you believe that youre unworthy. Why not blame you when you don't feel good enough? She may as well add to it.

 

Too much too soon in this relationship. You do sound intense and sensitive and she sounds controlling and manipulative. Your relationship involved you feeding off each other negatively.

 

Peoples actions always speak louder than words. It's a great lesson to have learnt. The other one, in terms of your psychological profile, is not to invest too much too soon until you have got a sense of the person.

[Avro1986]

Thank you for your reply. I feel that if I hadn't had the PhD problems, everything would have been good, but my dad said no, and that it would have only been a matter of time before something else showed up, and she showed her true colours. He's right. He added: "Imagine if you had married her, had a house, kids, and something really bad happened to you... you would have been f*cked. She probably would have dumped you for someone else. She can't even support you now!" The psychologist said: "If you ask me, you dodged a bullet."

[sentiententity]

You definitely did dodge a bullet there, Avro.

[RainyCoast]

I'm sorry you've had such a hard time OP.

I agree with Gollum completely.

Also, I honestly hope you don't take this wrong because I really emphatize with you, but I would suggest pondering on your PhD problem with your therapist. I know that's not what you're making this post about but I feel like you should be aware of the seeming issue with that because it sounds connected with the self-esteem issues that were present in this relationship also.

 

Until we have overcome the need to get the approval, validation and acceptance that we weren't given within the family we're prone to seek it excessively and in the wrong places. One example of you doing that was staying in a relationship where you were emotionally manipulated (and cheated too?) and the other is compromising your PhD programme due to conflicting views.

 

I'm working on my Doctoral. And I cannot imagine--- with the work, effort, sacrifice, time and money and the passion i have invested into it-- compromising it because I disagreed with my supervisor. You don't need to get into an argument with everyone you disagree with. During the course of your career you'll have to learn to humor people you disagree with and even "Yes Sir, Of course Sir" many people who you'll strongly believe are wrong or even complete and total uninteligent D-heads, because your career matters more than proving them wrong-- and because a D-head should not be enabled by you into derailing your proffessional goals.

 

When you've been put on the defensive and you explode defensively-- you're reacting to an old trigger (your legitimate childhood need for validation) more than you are reacting to the current situation. Just something to keep in mind, helps with my c-ptsd so I felt like sharing.

 

In your corner.

[Avro1986]

Hi! Thank you for your reply! I agree about overcoming validation but with my supervisor, it's more complicated. Essentially, she asked to leave 6 months into the program because I wasn't producing fast enough. To make matters worst, several lab members started taking behind my back about not seeing me work. My work is computational and mathematical: I can work anywhere. Moreover, I do sports and work part-time (same amount of time as a TA). Hence, there was a lot of jealousy (i.e. "How can he does all this and I can't?". My supervisor refused to help me find someone else; when I proposed other people, she said no. She wanted me to quit the program and leave, otherwise, she wouldn't give me my PhD. On top of that, my mentor got cancer and couldn't help me anymore. I apologized for any problems and corrected them, but she cut me off. At this point I was flying solo, and had to out-source from professors who weren't even involved with the University. They were strangers who were simply kind. I managed to get a project going and won a poster prize. She didn't even acknowledge me. I stayed long enough to have enough material for a second Masters. The Department kicked me out after they "unanimously deemed that I wasn't good enough." I published as first author based on my work from the first masters! I aced my courses too. I had to get the Dean of Science involved and student advocacy. So, it wasn't simply about disagreeing. I'm sorry about your situation as well. Thank you for sharing!

[Avro1986]

Also, there was a several personal attacks behind closed doors (e.g. "You're not good enough for a PhD"). Once, while eating a croissant in a meeting, I dropped crumbs on the floor accidentally. She stopped in front of everyone and pointed to floor "pick it up" like I was a dog. Everyone looked at her confused. She said: "Well someone will have to pick it". So, I had to deal with personal attacks and public humiliation, but kept going. She was simply a real b****. My first masters supervisor was amazing: he was patient and helped me understand the material. We didn't always agree, but he was caring. I had a great time with him and we published together.

[Avro1986]

As for being cheated on, I don't know.... I hope not. But I got checked and I am fine. No herpes or HIV for me!! But seriously, I am talking to my psychologist about the validation issue. I realize it when I talk to people. I do get funny when I disagree with people who are nice, but get very aggressive with people who try to hurt me... something to work on!