Feeling down today, need to vent.

[miss_sunshine]

I'm just having a down day today. It's been awhile since I last posted on here. My ex of over 11 years and I split about 13 months ago.

 

Why are other women more special, lovable and able to keep their men. Why did my dad go back to my mum, my friends ex write her a letter saying he still loves her and I haven't even in over one year got a drunk text, or a message or anything to show he cares?

 

I just feel awful about myself right now. Like I have nothing to offer a man, I'm not pretty enough, funny enough, interesting enough, lovable enough to even make him slip up for a bit and contact me. After 12 years together I am just nothing. He knew me better than anyone and was able to leave me like I was nothing, so maybe I am nothing.

 

A girl from his work was able to replace everything I worked so hard to give him for so long. I hate myself right now. I refuse to cry but my heart hurts, I feel sick. I almost wanted to text him before or call him but I know I can't. What would be the point and I would undo all the dignity and hard work I put into leaving him behind. Arrrgghhh this sucks!

[Man with Dog]

I know how you feel it reflects on you. I remember feeling exactly the same. I don't know the exact circumstances of your break-up. All I can say is there is life after love and even (mostly) love after love. The fact that you were abandoned reflects more badly on him than you.

 

I'm afraid he doesn't care but again, that's him and not you.

[calliebay]

Please remember that you are enough. You are. You shouldn't have to work to keep anyone in your life. Thos who are worthy of you will remain, passively and lovingly. If you are feeling down, try not to beat yourself up. It's so hard to see the positive sometimes, but try and do something for you and only you. Someting you love. Something small and achievable. Read a chapter of your favourite book, have a slice of your favourite cake. Anything. Take a minute to remind yourself that you are great, you are enough. Your self worth and esteem is not engrained in him, its in you. Right now, feed your mind, body spirit, whatever you need to do to feel better. You've very obviously worked hard to maintain separation from this person, good for you. Keep going, you're getting stronger without realising it. It will get better. I promise.

[shellyf62]

The same thing happened to me. I was replaced by a much younger co worker.

I felt as though he cut my face out of the family photo & stuck her face in.

I felt old and thrown away like garbage.

Finally the cloud lifted & I started enjoying my single life. Dated a few guys and started to feel my self esteem return.

The best healer is time & trying to be good to yourself.

Please don't contact him, delete his number, and start thinking about your life ahead.

[ajhurst210]

I know EXACTLY how you feel. So much so that I started tearing up reading this. My relationship with my ex wasn't nearly as long as yours... it was only about 2 and a half years. But she was able to toss me aside like yesterday's garbage after all that time and I haven't gotten a drunk text, a sober one, or anything to show that she cares, is having a hard time, or misses me even in the slightest... and I don't see that ever happening.

 

I see so many people on here posting about how they're struggling with NC. Whether it's because they can't stop reaching out to their ex or their ex won't stop reaching out to them. And while I know NC is the VERY BEST thing for me because staying in contact would only draw out the healing process even longer... A part of you wants to know that someone you gave so much of your heart and time to cares about you and regrets leaving you or at least is having a hard time coping.

 

Like you, many many days... I feel like there must be something wrong with me that I can't get someone to stay in love with me and stay with me. I have a pretty large extended family and all but one of my cousins who are either older than me or around my age all have either a marriage or a marriage and kids. My sister has been married since way before the age I am now and has two kids and a good marriage and a home and I can't help but look at my life and think ... "What's wrong with me that I don't have that?"

 

It's so easy to target yourself when someone leaves you. It makes you notice everything that you don't like about yourself, brings all your "flaws" and "weaknesses" to the surface. Your natural reaction is to blame yourself and think it's all your fault because you're looking in the mirror and at your life and all you're seeing is negative. In many ways I embrace that instinct and choose to punish myself. I don't know why I do. I wish I didn't. But it's pretty overwhelming.

 

No one should base their self worth on a single other person. My head knows that. But my heart has a real tough time with it. Because when you're in love with someone, in a relationship with them... you turn to them for that fulfillment that friends and family just can't give you. That you can't really give yourself. That human need to be wanted and needed and desired by another human being. And since you're with them they become that source. It's part of giving yourself to them, part of being in a relationship. You rely on them and they rely on you. And when they're gone, you're left with nothing to lean on or give you that anymore. At least that's what it feels like.

 

All you can do is work on yourself and try and become a better person and feel better about yourself on your own. You will reach your own level of self fulfillment and happiness eventually without the need for someone else to give it to you. But I believe that everyone needs that single other person to fully complete them and give them TRUE happiness and fulfillment. I think it's hard coded into us as human beings.

 

Anyway, I'm kinda rambling here. But just know that how you're feeling is natural. Don't get lost in the negativity or punish yourself further by thinking there must be something wrong with you because of what one person out of 7 the billion on the planet thinks about you. You're going through enough just coping with the heartache alone, don't add to it by needlessly attacking yourself. I know it's really easy to do. Trust me, I do it plenty, even when I know better. But there's so much more to you than your ex. I promise.

[melancholy123]

Some counselling can help you to work past how awful you are feeling. You would certainly have many good qualities about yourself but you have let this guy make you feel terrible for far too long. Life can be good, you just need a little help along the way to get to that point.

[miss_sunshine]

I have definitely deleted his number from my phone but being together so long I know the number off by heart anyway. I think my emotions are a little bit all over the place due to a few things. Both my single friends at work who went through breakups of long term relationships around the same time as me have both started new relationships, so that is impacting me. Also this may be TMI but it had been over a year since I had kissed anyone been with a man etc. In the past couple of months I seem to have been getting a lot more attention, I have kissed a few guys and a few weeks ago when I was drunk and went home with a guy. He is less than a year out of a 20 plus year marriage and has three kids, so it was not really going anywhere. We went on a few dates, hooked up about 4 times and it was making me feel terrible about myself so I told him it had to end. I think the loss of that extra attention has made me feel a bit down but I will get back to myself again.

 

ajhurst, wow your post was wonderful and I am very sorry for your pain. I guess I always thought he would come back to me and feel the need to apologise, or to put things behind us. I had to accept that he did not need that to move on with his life and was able to just move in with someone else after a few months. It is something I will never understand, I thought he was a completely different person than he ended up being and I struggle a lot with that. I wonder if anything he ever said was true now and it affects all my memories of the past. But anyway, no pint rehashing all this, it is what it is.

 

I did go and see a psychologist for a few months and I can't say it really helped me very much. I will think about going back though. Like I said, I think it has just been a time of change in my life - meeting new guys, getting attention, friends moving on in new relationships and it is throwing me a bit. I just have to remember that life is not a competition and I have to move on in my own time. I am only now starting to feel like I could meet someone else and I need to get myself to a place where I am psychically and mentally happy before I invest myself again in another relationship.

 

Thanks so much everyone, I really appreciate all your help and comments. xx

[Ms Darcy]

Perhaps you can work with your therapist on having happiness and self-worth without a man. You seem almost like you feel incomplete without one and that type of codependency is not healthy.

[miss_sunshine]

Thanks Ms Darcy, I do see why you would think that way but when I come on here it's usually to express every awful thing I ever think and isn't a true reflection of how I feel all the time. I do not feel I need a man to be complete at all. I am quite happy single, other than being a bit lonely sometimes. I refuse to settle again and also I know I have work to do on myself before getting into another relationship.

 

The things I know I need to work on are improving my self esteem, finding a way to stop trying to work out what happened with my ex, feeling like the breakup was because I wasn't good enough and feeling like because he rejected me and left, I meant nothing to him, that it is true that I mean nothing.

 

I am hitting the gym now, I have ordered a 7 day healthy meal plan. I want to get back in shape. I am going to sign up for singing/guitar lessons. I just want to be proud of myself again.