Dating someone who has 3 Kids

[baddasslegend92]

Hello all

 

I have met this beautiful woman and we have been seeing each other for about 4 weeks now.When we first hooked up we was telling ourselves we will just be with each other to hang out etc.Of course more things happened and we started having feelings for each other.I know she is waiting for me to pop the question will she be my woman but im scared.She has 3 kids 14 ,12 and 10 I think.She also going through a divorce and so am I.I am 27 and she is 32 and I never had children of my own.She also have her tubes tied where she not able to have Children that unless she have it reversed for about 12,000 bucks.My question is should i persue this relationship or move on to someone else with no children?Its so hard because she is everything I want in a woman,from the way she thinks, to the way she carries herself.Please help, this is a hard one...The feelings was not suppose to happen,but I can tell she wants to be with me.

 

Thanks.

[avman]

If you aren't sure, then you aren't ready to pop the question.

 

Have you spent much time with her kids? If not, you'll want to try doing that for awhile to see how you feel about an "instant family". If you both are still in the process of being divorced, then you have some time to consider things. You wouldn't want to propose until things are settled anyway.

 

Take your time, don't be in a hurry. You've only known her for 4 weeks so you still have a lot of things you need to find out about each other.

[enotjcalone]

If you see her as marriage material, then there's a lot to think about. Are you willing to maybe never have children of your own together, willing to be a stepfather etc. But if you know for sure you will not marry her then the kids shouldn't be that much of a problem. Go for it then.

[Day_Walker]

Unless you are in that mode of having kids around its going to be a difficult situation. I would advise not getting into the situation because of its implications. It has a lot to do with how serious of a relationship this is. Its a judgement call on ur part figure out what you want and what you can handle then go from there.

[baddasslegend92]

All I know is right now I am enjoying her.I told her let's take it really slow and just enjoy each others company.I have not met the kids and not planning on meeting them no time soon,At least for a year.In the mean time we will have our time together..great replys

[baddasslegend92]

Keep them comin

[Yorkrose23]

I think you need to evealute what is more important to you-

Being with this woman or the experience of having children.

Ask her if she ever be willing have children again, either natural or adopting. Compromising is important, and if you really want children, that is a large compromise. This issue is a big reason why a lot of couples don't work, so I do think it is essential that you be on the sam page about it.

Good luck!

[melrich]

I agree with Avman, 4 weeks is a very short time to be thinking about such a serious commitment with all the compounding factors. You are looking at a package here, her and the kids.

 

I can tell you from experience that step parenting can be very rewarding but it is a very difficult thing to get right and you WILL have major issues. Build up to it slowly. Tell her each step of the way how you are feeling about the kids, DO NO TRY AND BLUFF YOUR WAY THROUGH! If you can't handle the children don't pursue the relationship. Get on the internet, there are some great step-parenting forums out there that will give you an idea of some of the issues you will face.

 

Good luck.

[baddasslegend92]

You guys don't understand how helpful you guys are.I think we have a long ways to go before we even get in to that..I guess in the mean time I wil keep my eyes open and try not to move too fast with her, and see where she is coming from.I thank everyone that posted to this thread.Very helpful.

[sparkey]

As she has three kids, she can not just "SEE WHAT HAPPENS" because it would be too difficult on her and the kids if it doesn't work out.

 

So, if you think she will wait a year to meet her kids, your are kidding yourself. AND if you expect to wait that long, she will not allow that.

 

Because it is not just about how compatible you and her are. It is also about how compatible you and the kids are.

 

Dating a woman with three kids is very difficult. You will have to make a lot of compromises along the way regarding time together. If you need or have to have alot of "US" time, you will have a hard time making things work in the long term.

 

I speak from experience!

[baddasslegend92]

Wow this is hard.I really like her tho,and you right I will have to be compatible with the kids as well..I don't know what to do.

[Mun]

I don't agree that she will necessarily want you to meet her kids. I have 3 children and I have dated quite a bit, my kids have only met one man I dated...but he was different. He would take all of us out for pizza, movies.. to the park... and he slept on the hospital room floor when my son was ill. He earned it.

 

I have never allowed anyone else to meet them because I don't want them to get attached to someone that I'll break up with eventually.

 

I think it's very smart of you to consider that she does have these kids and if that is a big problem for you... and you KNOW you don't want an instant family--then don't drag it on and get her hopes up for a committment. Let her be and find someone without kids.

 

If you're not really sure yet. Then don't jump the gun. What you ask yourself is : Do I want to invest time here or not? Am I positive I don't want an instant family....or could I change my mind?

 

Good luck

[cremebrulee]

It is true that having step-children is very rewarding but it can also be very demanding to have an instant family that aren't yours and if you break up later down the line it can lead to more pain because you lose the kids that you bonded with too. If you are both going through a divorce then you definitely need to take things slowly but you also have to consider the fact that she may not want any more children in the future. Could you handle not having children of your own? If you really want to have a family of your own then continuing with her may not be the best for you. 4 weeks is very early to know whether she really is the woman of your dreams. Perhaps just ease things up a bit, let her know how you feel about the situation, find out how she feels about the situation too. Don't make any decisions until you know in your heart what you really want.

[baddasslegend92]

Great tips, Thank you very much.So far she is a awsome woman.AndIm still not sure if I want my own kids.Still up in the air.She said if I ever considered children she will have another one once one was old enough and out of her house.It is too soon to know anything right now.

[elisabeth1]

I was looking around at some places you posted. What ever happen to this relationship? Did it work out?