My ex girlfriend was "the one", need your advice...

[cmpatable]

Bare with me this is pretty damn long.

 

I'll tell you quite honestly that I think the idea of "the one" can be pretty delusional in a majority of cases... but in my case I think without the slightest bit of doubt I hit my own personal lottery & pushed away the love of my life, after a 2 year relationship, due to timing & inexperience. I can't bare the idea of this girl becoming just another lesson learned because I know the true potential our relationship holds...something she lost sight of, and something she may be strong willed enough to put behind her.

 

My girlfriend & I (both 24 yo.) met a couple years ago as we were both graduating from college. We met because we share the same small group of long term mutual friends and she would be returning home once college (in the different city she lived) was finished to pursue getting into PA school in our home city.

 

Let me start by saying we became best friends over the 2 years we were dating and that the relationship could not have started any stronger.... The chord we struck with each other was so incredibly powerful. We shared similar values and interest in almost everything and always made an awesome team together... rarely ever fighting until the last 2-3 months of the relationship. Both of us are quirky in our own ways with our childlike mindsets but both have an overall maturity to who we are as people. We were like kids together, or that really cute couple who really brought the best out of each other and understood each other…. sharing the same exact excitement on almost everything in life. I could do anything with her and have a fun time. Our friends & family members would often talk about the joy they saw us bring out of each other, and how well we fit together. I love this girl with all my heart and know deep down she felt the same love for me, at least until things started to slip.

 

Over the 2 years we experienced so much with each other that seems almost impossible to throw away... sharing the same core group of friends, hanging out/talking everyday, becoming big parts of each other’s family life's, going on 5+ family/friend trips together, helping each other find jobs/her get into school, talking about the future, marriage, and kids…. You name it. Our communication was always strong because we were generally just happy with each other and truly loved each other's company. We also are both very understanding empathetic people that could feel for each other and our love held during one of the most challenging moments of our lives.

 

No relationship is perfect and we definitely had our downfalls other then the break up, such as little annoyances, mood swings, her stressing about school, me stressing over finding a job/not having a car/moving back in with my parents but it was never anything our love couldn't overcome. She NEVER considered throwing away everything we did have over any stupid fight/drunk fight until the final months. She always made it apparent that her family, myself, and getting into PA school were the most important things in her life and she'd never jeopardize any one of them. She'd tell me it all the time.

 

In the last 2-3 months of the relationship things began to get a little rocky with communication as she began a new hectic summer job (outdoor waiting/bartending for summer events) that conflicted with my 9-5 schedule. My ex, being the super outgoing & friendly woman she is, began to create new work relationships and her focus/excitement shifted towards meeting new friends, her job, & PA school starting in August. Making friends has always been really important to her happiness and her personality. She loves being a part of something/being accepted by people and this new job gave her a sense of something she hasn't had since she got home from going to college in a big city. Long story short this led to some minor but tiresome issues between us mainly over her texting a guy from work. I was cheated on in my past relationship and I allowed some of the insecurities to carry over into our relationship. Instead of complimenting the changes in her life, and trusting her on her new relationships (which she was relatively transparent about), I became an obstacle for her whether I was justified or not in some of my actions. The fighting never got out of hand at all, but I believe it collectively started to wear her down more then she really would let it show. The arguments became more frequent and took away from the already shortened time we were able to spend together. She began to worry about her future and didn't want to risk having these issues down the line, especially with PA school coming up. I think it caused her to look past everything we had together, lose some respect /attraction for me, and start to look at the grass being greener on the other side. She began to look at me as someone who was going to put her under a "microscope" for the rest of her life with my insecurities and that it was something to deeply embedded in me to change. With all her new work friends and school coming up, the need for me in her life ceased. She was distracted by positive forces and I was seen in a different light.. We had some amazing days during the 2-3 month demise (just celebrated our birthdays & 2 year anniversary with a getaway weekend in Toronto).... but some low ones that trumped everything else.

 

A little over a month ago, she ended up blindsiding me with a breakup, the day after one of our arguments...telling me she loves me but everything changed in the last 2-3 months and she feels like a broken down girl that needs time and space to find herself/her happiness. I was in complete shock as I was supposed to go on another family vacation with her in a few weeks, we just celebrated our anniversary/birthdays, and I never in my life thought she would throw everything we had away. If I had any idea she would… I would have snapped out my insecurities sooner for the sake of saving the relationship. She showed zero emotion during the breakup... no tears nothing. It's like a switched flipped in her in one night and she was suddenly completely cold to me. She left me with a couple traces of hope during the breakup saying something a long the lines of you never know what could happen in the future, she still hopes to be friends, and that she loves me... but we we both need this. And then she cut me off completely. I assume she saw the grass greener on the other side with her new job, school coming up, and resentment towards me.

 

The breakup was initially pretty well received and I wrote her a beautiful apology letter a week in of NC explaining how I fell to my insecurities and how terrible it was that it took the loss of her for me to learn this lesson and how much she truly meant to me...that I'd never let myself fall to it all again. The letter was purposed to leave her with a true apology without putting pressure on her future decisions with me. She thought the letter was ‘amazing’ (she told a friend whom I heard from) and promised to respond to the letter after she digested it all. I told her the letter didn’t warrant a response if she only was going to re-iterate the reasons she broke up with me…. I put up that guard because she still seemed very cold to me and a close friend advised me to do so(stupid decision listening to him). She didn’t take this to well and stopped responding to me. After not hearing from her for a week after, the emotions had begun to settle in. I began to push more and act a little needy by texting her asking if there was ever a chance with us in the future and sending her one additional letter asking for a true chance to fix things. …. I told her If not then I needed closure for my own well being and I can't look back. She finally responded 3 weeks in.... re-iterating herself in a long text telling me that she is “standing firm” in her decision and that she "cares about me immensely, and she'll never forget that we're best friends" but she feels broken and needs to find her happiness. She said she "struggles wanting to text me stuff, knowing she shouldn't"...that she "misses my family" but every time I reach out it only "further distances her from me". I realized at that point that I have to go strict no contact because anything I could say would only hurt me worse down the line and this is what she really wanted. I think compared to most break ups I handled it pretty well… I may have re-enforced some of her decisions but emotions run high and you she can't expect me not to care about losing the love of my life.

 

It has been 4 weeks since she has sent that text message and I am telling my story now because I have no idea what to think at this point I know that girl loves me but I think she is very strong willed in her decision-making and is in a pretty big transitional phase of life working/going into school. It's so hard for me not to have hope because to me it seems like we had something way to special to easily be put behind and that once the attention is taken away at her new job and school begins it might settle in for her.. She always said how important this relationship was to her. Our history speaks so much to me that I have absolutely no idea how it couldn't be affecting her. Whether she is missing me or not, I don't think she will allow herself to go back on the decision she made because she would need to see change first... and it's not what she is looking for. She said it herself she struggles keeping herself from texting me but she knows she should't... and that may just be what they all say but I believe it because I know the both of us real well. Shes independent enough to keep herself busy and distracted. I have been doing well with no contact but I think it is going to be impossible for me to move on for a long time to come… mainly because we share the same small group of friends that hangs out once a week at the bars/eachothers houses... another issue I don't know how to handle. Seeing her resets all my feelings for her. Right now she is on the family vacation I was supposed to be on with her, and a few pictures have been posted... she looks happy but so much of me wonders what she is thinking behind that smile.

 

I was thinking of establishing LC when she get's home from vacation, and only keeping it positive. Not mentioning the break up but just to see how she's doing and catch up a bit. I'm afraid that she's doing NC for herself as well and if I don't reach out she will only continue to move forward without ever reaching out to me. On the other hand she could be completely over me and trying to move on... It is so hard to tell with her because she has always had this "mature" or tough side of her that comes out in times adversity. Completely opposite to her cute bubbly self. I was never quite sure if it is a defense mechanism or really just part of who she is and this is what she wants.... I wouldn't be writing this if I didn't love this girl with all my heart and if I didn't think I could make the changes on my end. Me and this girl could reconcile and be such a stronger couple for it. I think she could find happiness either way though. Who knows maybe she really has moved on from me 100%... I just don't know how people do it so easily. We really had an awesome 2 years and there were so many more to come.

 

Thanks for reading!

[BigKK]

You need to work on the acceptance part. Stay with NC, not LC or any other ploy to win her back. This will be a learning lesson for you unfortunately, when you let your insecurities rule you, you push away your loves ones. Youre not getting back together and I'd advise you not being her friend, work on your insecurities, rebuild yourself and move on.

 

 

Your post sounds a lot like me a few years ago, the sooner you accept its over the sooner you will feel better

[musicman777]

Your ex girlfriend obviously wasn't "the one". Quit fooling around and stick to the "no contact".

[Ahlop127]

I don't have an advice, I just want to tell you I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I really do believe ex come back after two reasons - they are both selfish, they realize life is not better without you. or reason number two - you moved on, they have this sixth sense that you moved on so they start fumbling.

[kbbcoop77]

I've had exes come back but it's usually after a couple years after everyone's moved on..and I hooked up with "the one who broke my heart" again and it was awful because I had moved on and it only brought back the pain she caused me so I told her this ain't gonna work and left her standing there dumbfounded. Just move on, it's painful but everyone has to go through it and it'll make you stronger.

[Andrina]

You're both at an age where male/female friendships are common, but at some point, as people get older and become established couples, that kind of thing normally goes by the wayside. I would not accept my husband giving another woman from work his cell number so they could chat. I understand why you were upset if she was texting a new guy friend. Maybe take this as a sign that you two are not compatible. After my divorce when I was dating, I was put off by dating any guy who had a harem of female friends. When I met my future husband, he didn't engage in that type of behavior and he matched me in all of the major ways.

 

If your gf really loved you, she would have worked through any problems you had together. Instead, she was ready to move on quite easily. Take the beautiful memories with you, but know that fate has someone else in store for you. Contacting her and looking at Facebook photos is preventing you from closure. Time to delete all of your social media connections with her so you can go on to the next chapter of your life.

[cmpatable]

I have accepted that our current relationship is over and there is no way of changing her mind or "winning" her. I also know hope is unhealthy... the only small possibility I haven't ruled out is creating a new relationship down the line and reconciling. Knowing our history, I know what we had with each other was real love and what came in-between us was mendable. A huge part of me feels like this could be transitional for her... I just wish I could know what she was thinking. I'm doing my best to work on myself and let the universe take control of everything.

 

The issue is that I think I would need to be friends with her eventually in order for any reconciliation to happen. She isn't going to allow herself to change her decision and come crawling back, and she definitely isn't going to let me see any weakness in her by reaching out to me. It would have to be a new relationship and a renewed attraction. That's why I am tempted with light contact...if she is missing me then being my true self to her without pushing may open a door for her to step into. Avoiding her is near impossible, so the healing process is much more difficult. We have all the same friends whom we go out with all the time and celebrate the bigger holidays with. There isn't many places for either of us to run off to (this are long term friends). Other then these past couple weeks that she has been with family I have run into her almost every weekend, but have kept my distance.

[mhowe]

BigKK nailed it. The letter, the second letter and the asking for closure --- means you really don't have a clue about what pushed her away.

 

You said you were blindsided, but the fact of the matter is that you also KNEW that your insecurities were a negative stream that she no longer cared to frolick in ---- she is a positive, outgoing girl ready to embark on a new adventure and you became the albatross that examined every minute of her interactions with others.

 

Time to address your insecurities and remain in complete NC>

[cmpatable]

BigKK nailed it. The letter, the second letter and the asking for closure --- means you really don't have a clue about what pushed her away.

 

You said you were blindsided, but the fact of the matter is that you also KNEW that your insecurities were a negative stream that she no longer cared to frolick in ---- she is a positive, outgoing girl ready to embark on a new adventure and you became the albatross that examined every minute of her interactions with others.

 

Time to address your insecurities and remain in complete NC>

 

Thanks for the reply mhowe!

 

I responded to BigKK above if you want to read that too. I absolutely do know what pushed her away, and unfortunately I acted upon some emotions in the initial weeks of the break up, possibly re-enforcing her decisions. It was incredibly difficult for me to deal with. I was blindsided in that I never in my life thought this was something she'd end the relationship over.The arguments did become more frequent, but we have always been able to settle everything in the past and outside of this issue our relationship was really really great.

 

This whole thing is so incredibly tough for me to swallow because I know am able to overcome these insecurities... and have no opportunity to show her that. It really makes me wonder if I reached out to her without any negativity or pressure how it would be taken. I am continuing with no contact but like I said avoiding her is close to impossible. I've ran into her many times already and kept my distance... but from our brief run ins I feel like the right doors open could re-kindle our situation for a second chance.

[mhowe]

Here's the thing with people with insecurities ---- they are convinced that (a) if the OTHER person had simply pointed it out to them, it would have stopped; (b)they can overcome them while in the relationship and © contacting the other person and letting them know this will make it all ok.

 

No, no and no.

 

The insecurities are within you --- part of your temperament and behavior. A few days or weeks will not erase them. You can settle arguments over where to go to dinner, who didn't do the dishes. You cannot settle behavioral issues because....they simple need the right trigger to unleash them.

 

You cannot show her show her ---- because by the time she ended the two year relationship, she had reached her limit. She is ready to embark on a new future, and wants a clean slate. Reaching out to her --- is displaying that you have no respect for her decision. That it is still "all about you" and your issue....

[cmpatable]

Thanks mhowe, I agree with that whole heartedly. Man it looks like the end of this relationship will be that trigger... I couldn't possibly risk losing somebody I valued as much as her in my life again. I will be so incredibly lucky to find somebody who lined up with me in so many different ways... a person as naturally beautiful as her.

 

I so badly wish there was a way to let her know that I do respect her decision and am truly working hard on myself without contacting her. I feel like how I left it will only leave her fueling herself with negative ideas about me and resent or her thinking Im weak. My initial letter to her was so perfectly written and it came from the heart. If only it was just left at that because she seemed so responsive to it at first. I should have never put the guard up I was advised to and stuck to my heart. Maybe I would have gotten a good response. I truthfully want her happiness deep down... maybe one day as I continue to find strength to move forward and continue to work on my insecurities the universe will bring a second chance around. Maybe she will even reach out to me eventually to see how I'm doing. After all we were best friends.

[mhowe]

The way you show her that you respect her decision is to move on in your life. And resolve your insecurities through whatever means necessary ---- therapy, meditation, etc.

 

She is not fueling herself with negative ideas about you. She is a positive person with life plans and goals, and she is moving forward. I am sure she will cherish the time you spent together, she simply ran out of patience to deal with YOUR issues.

 

Your first letter was written from the heart. However, you wanted it to be the springboard to a 2nd try, while denying it was your motive. Which then was revealed. Nothing you did after would have changed anything. She was done.

 

Maybe someday your paths will cross again. Be sure you are not living for that day.

[Michael777]

I think you should honestly ask yourself whether you acted in such a way that she was justified in breaking up with you.

If you did then you should tell yourself that NEVER again will you act in such a way.

Tell her you are truly sorry for what you did.

Maybe one day she will give you a second chance .

[BigKK]

Stop with the ploys of maybe being a friend, LC, you're not accepting yet... Stop all of that. Stop going to places you two used to frequent so you stop running into each other.

 

Make an effort to not hear about her from friends. You need to be alone and work on yourself. The good news is you sound like a sincere intelligent guy, which makes me believe you will be able to make changes.

 

These changes will take a long time though, you need to decipher why you were so threatened by her texting people. You need to see why you ignores the signs that you were pushing her away. I made a lot of mistakes in my last relationship... The thing is I assumed we'll always be together so I didn't feel any pressure to change. Well we weren't, we broke up, it hurt and I was single for a year and a half . worked on myself and it all turned out for the better, I got my head out of the clouds and realized things weren't as dandy as I thought. So in the end breaking up was great, it wasn't pleasant at the time, but lead me to meet a much much better match.

[cmpatable]

Thanks again guys,

 

And BigKK I'd like to think I am Like I said the only issue is we belong to the same group of mutual guy & girl friends that all hang out with each other. These friends will be around for a long time to come. We do almost everything with them so in order to avoid her I would have to isolate myself or pull people away which isn't really an option other then when there are guys nights. It's going to be a pretty tough situation in the coming days. I will make these changes but when there is a constant reminder of the mistakes I made, and the girl I love circling the group ... change will surely be difficult. Especially if & when she starts dating.

 

The reason I was upset about the texting was the guy initially got her number because he was interested in her. She found this out later through other employees and had let me know but she wanted to still establish a friendship with him (by letting him know she wasn't at all interested in anything outside of that) She said he was a really nice guy, and that they had become great friends at work. You see woman fall to that kind of thing all the time and even though she was pretty transparent I was insecure out of my love for her. I feared losing her and what we had. My actions distanced her and as I felt her slip away it only made the insecurities and the actions between both of us worse. It caused her to tell a couple little lies and just generally not act herself.. I wasn't acting myself either. It's really a grey area where a lot of people would have seen red flags... but I needed to overcome my insecurity that her only intentions were to formulate work relationships because she was excited about the new job and focus on the positives of our relationship. I think I would have rather found out something was actually wrong verses pushing her away.

 

Lastly, even though I wish to genuinely make these changes for myself... my love for this girl will go on for a long time and it's not something I am in control of. Is it possible to truly change and accept everything while I do? If she ever reaches out to me down the line do I let her know I have been working hard to better myself?

[TMifune]

The reason I was upset about the texting was the guy initially got her number because he was interested in her. She found this out later through other employees and had let me know but she wanted to still establish a friendship with him (by letting him know she wasn't at all interested in anything outside of that) She said he was a really nice guy, and that they had become great friends at work.

 

A woman who wants to "establish a friendship" with a guy that she knows is/was romantically interested in her is either exceptionally naive or she's going to feel him out and keep him as a backup plan in case things don't work out with you. I consider that a Giant Red Flag.

[cmpatable]

I would typically think the same.... She isn't your average woman which made it a very difficult situation. She's very friendly & was excited about meeting new friends. She especially loves being accepted as "one of the guys" which puts her in dangerous territories but it's part of who she is and I think she's genuine in it. She wanted to be able to be herself and feel trusted. In her defense she told me right when it initially happened and was for the most part open about it, wanting me to meet all the people from her work. She apologised for making me feel uncomfortable saying she wouldn't text him anymore but if he reached out to her she'd respond out of being the good person she is because they are friends. The guy was 3 years younger and didn't have much of a future ahead of him apparently. If there was anything for me to be really concerned about it probably would have one of the many other people she was surrounded with. Focussing on it only gave her reason to distance herself and see the grass greener with PA school coming up and the new friends she was meeting.

 

I think I was justified in being concerned but I think she was also justified in wanting trust. She has never given me a real reason not to trust her, and I have questioned her a couple times on it before without reason prior to this whole ordeal. All things I should have let go and let fate decide. Should have let our love grow instead of stifling her path.