In love with my best mate (we are both men)

[noonreally]

Hi there, i am a closeted gay man, i have been in love with my best mate since he and i were in the final year of school.

 

He has been a fantastic friend to me over the last 12 years, through the ups and lows of life.

 

He is very attractive and hence has had a string of girlfriends in all those years. his current girlfried have been for the past 4 years and looks serious, she and i are also great friends now as well. the three of us see each other most nights and weekends.

 

I have a big groups of fantastic friends (none of which know im gay)

 

But i feel more in love with my best mate now than ever. Im finding it harder and harded to deal with and really dont know what to do... he is clearly straight andobviously has no idea about me...

 

Has anyone else been in a similar situation and if so what did you do, or has anyone got any advice they might be able to offer me?

 

thanks

[Flip_flop]

Hi noonreally,

 

I know what it's like to fall for a close friend who's straight (though it's not yet conclusive, in my case). Since you've had these feelings for quite some time, and being that he's unquestionably straight, I think you should come clean and tell him how you feel (assuming he's not homophobic, and would at least be understanding). Let him know you absolutely value and treasure your friendship, but that being friends is hurting you and preventing you from moving on to other ppl. Hard, yes, but very necessary. Your friendship is important, no doubt, but at this time in your life, I think you should put yourself and your long-term well-being *first*. At the very least, I would lessen contact with him to only special or necessary occasions.

 

Good luck, and let us know how it goes..

[anotherone]

How about telling him about your sexual prefrence without telling him anything about your feeling towrad him. I think it safe to come clean and respect his sexual prefrence. If you can not handle being his friend without dating... see if u can distance yourself from him so you can get over..... The guy is stright and your best frined. I think you should keep it that way.

[mermayd]

I have to agree with anotherone. I think that if this person is you best friend, you should tell him about your sexuality. I dont think it is wise to let him know your attraction to him if you would like to stay friends. Odds are that seeing as how he is straight, he wont go for you and he may be scared off. But you should let him know that you are gay to scratch the surface. See how he deals with it and you could even get to the point where you are innocently flirting without any expectations. My guy friends flirt with me all the time knowing they arent getting anywhere and I think it serves as a release of their attraction to me without corrupting our friendship. but both people have to be comfortable with it.

 

I think there is a deeper issue than what you are stating. First, you need to come to terms with being gay and be open about it. You have a lot of self-development to achieve and growing within yourself. You cannot veiw from afar when your own eyes are closed. First conquer that battle and I think everything will come easier to you. You might be attracted to your friend because he is "convenient" for lack of a better word. He's there, in your face, and someone you feel comfortable with. In all hoonesty, I think once you come out to the world and are comfertable in your own skin, you will develop an attraction to others and have both a healthy relationship with someone while maintaining your friendship with your friend.

[Beec]

He's straight. Accept it. If you cannot deal with being around him that much, begin to find ways to lessen the time you are with him. If you come out to him, then do it, but leave out your feelings for him. If you tell him you how you feel about him, that will put a bigger strain on your relationship and make it less likely that you continue being close to him. He is not going to be your lover, so try to keep him as a friend.

[Cadence308]

I agree with the others. Before putting yourself and your feelings on the line, you first need to find out how he feels about people who are gay. Hopefully, gay people don't bother him and if they do, maybe you should reconsider your friendship with this guy. I would casually bring up homosexuality to him. It's a sensitive topic and there's been a lot about it in the news. I would bring it up, just in general, like maybe talk about Bush and his ban on gay marriage and abortion. See how he responds to that. His response will be somewhat personal. He's either for Bush or he's not and if he's not, then he probably cares about human rights. Then you can rotate the subject to asking him if he's ever had a same sex crush or ever kissed another guy or thought about it. Then take it one step further and tell him that you are gay. That's assuming that all else goes well. Since he's your best friend I don't think talking about any aspect of this should be that difficult until you tell him about youself, that is.

 

I also have to agree that your feelings for this guy are getting in the way of you meeting other people, who may be more emotionally and physically available to having a relationship with you. It sounds like this guy is straight and you know it. Telling him that you have a crush on him will probably affect your friendship with him, unless he is very open to homosexuals. If he is very open to homosexuals then he probably already knows someone who is gay. You could even ask him if he knows anyone who is gay. That would be a good way of bringing up the conversation. Since he's your best friend, chances are that he does suspect you may be gay. At least my friends suspect that I am even though I haven't came out and told them.

 

Have you thought about joining a gay activist group where you live to meet other people that you could befriend and see where things go?

[noonreally]

Thanks for all your help everyone. I only found this site last night and thought i would give it a try.

 

you all gave very valuable advice!

 

He is a very decent guy and has no issues with gay people (that i have ever heard him speak of) his veiws on political issues are the same as mine very socially aware. (he even bough one of those toyota hybrid cars using electric engine ha ha)

 

I think i have to tell someone about me. I think i need to do that, and im just so afraid that it affects my friendships. They are great people and all very caring, though it has to have an impact telling them this info.

 

I would become suicidal if i lost my close friends over it.

 

My family are homophobic and could not cope with it, but i guess they still need never know.

[vdt]

I am in the similar situation with you and other people I think.

 

several months ago, me and this guy were really close. he even said to me that he couldnt stand not talking to me . But now, after he and my sister broke up ( they were in love ) . Its been hard for me to contact him. He almost ignored all of my calls and msg while he is saying we are still close friend. i am gay and deeply in love with him but i just keep that for my self. I know he is straight ,clearly , then its just useless to tell him that i love him. that would effect the friendship which is already worsening.

 

He was with me all the time ( we used to be roomate ) but now he moved to other house, I feel lost and totally down and awkward.I can not lose this friend over. he has been treating me badly or maybe because deep down inside i really want him to know the truth and give me a chance while he only sees me as close friend. I know I am a fool but i always forgive him even though he was dishonest with me sometimes.

 

you would be feeling really scared right now. I know you love him and always want to have him by your side. It makes you happy just being with him even when you see him and his girlfriend ( my friend and my sister in my sistuation ) ,you are hurt like hell inside .I dont know if you have enough strength to come out the truth but it would be a risk. I am not trying to force the negative thought onto you but as I am in the same case, i would sugsest you think carefully before telling him. he will also need time and space and keep some distance with you for a certain period of time.

 

Sorry if i have made you feel sad.

[NotGay,Really]

I also counsel honesty. But you must be very sure that you can trust those you choose to open up to in this very sensitive subject.

 

You have uindicated that your friend is comfortable with gay people. But you have also indicated that "no one" knows you are gay. (Do you really mean no one? By that, I mean have you never experienced same sex intimacy?) If you are certain that no one knows you are gay, then this would be surprising to your friend. On the other hand, he may suspect, but also value the friendship enough to leave it alone.

 

I had a severe crush on a male friend. Through honesty and counsel (I consulted a therapist), I now recognize it for what it was-- a crush. I still value the friendship, and have been working to retain it.

 

You really should move cautiously in this, but definitely attempt to move forward. Living in a world of fantasy and speculation is not healthy or fulfilling. If you are deeply concerned about this, you should consider seeking professional help. (It was the best thing I ever did.)

 

I hope you will be happy.

[noonreally]

again thank you for your support everyone.

 

I have had same sex, sex. It was very discreet with 2 guys who are in the same situation as me... i did not want to take it further with them, so we left it (not all at once!!!)

 

I shall think on all your comments, and try to decide the best course of action.

 

still in state of confusion!!!

[James_533]

Hi. I was in the same situatuion as you are at this point ian time. I meet this guy at work and he had a girl friend. We became friends fast really fast. and one day he told me taht he dumped the girl. Well after that he started calling me everyday. it got to the point that I saw more of him then my own family who I lived with and I talked more to him then any other person. We worked together went out together talked on the phone etc. One day he told me he was gay but this is in a previous post. Anyway I kept it from him that I was gay until I was good and ready to tell him. I told him one day when we went out and I told him how I felt and how I feel towards him. He told me taht he was not gay annd taht he alreaddy knew how I felt towards him. We still see each other and hang out all the time but there is nothing hiding between us. lol he even suggested that we find me a boy friend. a joint effort. I said sure as long as I am able to help him find a perfect girl for him.. He came over last friday night and spent the nnight aat my new place and we talked all night long he arrived around 8pm and stayed until 10:45am we talked and delt with things that are needed to be talked about and we renewed our friendship. I could not ask for a more understanding friend then him.2

[noonreally]

Thanks again for your advice... i will keep pondering the correct solution... many many things to think on and consider!!

[James_533]

Yes there is a lot to consider when u are in love with someone. but just do what you want. WHEN U ARE READY and not before.