Would you want to know if your husband/wife cheated on you?

[Smity22]

Ok, well I had posted another topic about how I just found out my LDR that I've been with for 2 1/2 years is married. Someone gave me the idea to do a poll on it to find out since I don't know.....

 

Would you want to know if your husbamd or wife had cheated on you? In my case it had gone on for 2 1/2 years (he was in the army so it wasn't like the signs were completely obvious that he wouldnt come see me on holidays and stuff.) But he also proposed to me about 6 months ago and would continue to tell me how much he loved me and wanted to have kids etc. Soooo the question is, would you want to know if your husband or wife had been cheating on you like this? I paid $20 on the internet and found their unlisted # and his wife answered but I got scared and hung up. I think she should know but I'm worried about his 4 year old son... what do yall think?

[HeavenLee]

Yes, I would want to know. It would hurt like hell, but if you never know, then the relationship is a lie and you are there under false pretences. Because I'm sure that if when you met a person, and if they told you that one day they would definitely cheat on you, you wouldn't touch them with a ten foot pole. Nobody wants to be cheated on, nobody wants to live a lie and nobody wants to be made a fool of when everyone else knows and you're the only one who doesn't....

[Mun]

I'm sorry that this happened to you. I can only imagine what you must be feeling now.

 

I can understand you wanting to tell his wife...but I think you should cut your losses and walk away. I've seen spouses stay with cheaters even after seeing it for themselves... usually whoever told them becomes the "Bad guy" and the cheater is forgiven.. go figure You try to do something to help someone and it turns around on you. Trust me, if he is a serial cheater--she will find out. But as they say " misery loves company"

 

Good luck with whatever you decide.

[Smity22]

hmmm, any other opinions? please? I really want to try and do the right thing.

[Mun]

Do the right thing for yourself. The thing that will allow you to keep your dignity and not keep hurting yourself over this.

 

Chin up!

[Empathy]

My psychiatrist once told me that if a significant other has cheated on you in the past then it really isn't the best idea to tell. He even said that it's probably better that they keep it to themselves because all telling will do is cause pain for the other. I agree. I think that if cheating has taken place in the past but is no longer occurring it's not the best idea to divulge the information. I know I wouldn't want to know. Now, if someone was cheating on me at the time then I would want to know. My first love cheated on me once and he told me. It was when I brought this issue to my psychiatrist that he told me his thoughts on it. He said that sometimes when people tell their significant others these things they do so with the intent to hurt them. I know that's why he told me. I would explain why I know this but I don't want to get into it. Anyway, I know from personal experience how it feels to know that you've been cheated on. I would choose not to know ever again. But only if it was something that occurred in the past. Do I make sense? lol

[Mike_Wazowski]

Would I want to know if my wife cheated on me? Well...If it was a one time thing and she had made a promise to herself NEVER to do it again, then I would NOT want to know it. If she told me, I could never trust her again...The saying goes "What you don't know can't hurt you".......

 

On the other hand, if she had been in a long term cheating relationship, then I would be glad if she told me..that way, I could divorce her get custody of my kids and start over......

 

Peace!

[broken karma]

There's 2 issues here...

 

a) Would I want to know? Yes

 

b) Would I want to know it from the person my spouse/SO was cheating with? NO...I would want my spouse/SO to be man enough to tell me himself. The last person I would want to even SEE, much less have a conversation with over something like this, is the person my man chose to cheat on me with.

It would be too painful...

 

And this is coming from someone who is in love with a man in a committed relationship...that's the reason nothing has ever happened between he and I...because I would never put him in the situation that would cause him to hurt her in that way, and I would never hurt her in that way myself.

[AlleyCat]

I can understand the viewpoints of the other posts, but personally, I would want to know if my b/f had been in a long term cheating relationship. If he did it once, he could easily do it again.

 

That being said, I think there's more hope for the relationship if he tells her, but he apparently hasn't done so yet, so I think you should. By hearing it from you, she will have some time to think about it and prepare herself before even mentioning it to him. That will give her a bit of control in a situation in which she is the helpless victim, which I think could help her feel better about herself and her ability to move on with life without him.

[sepiaswirl]

i would want to know, BUT...

 

in my opinion, the only reason someone would want to expose a cheater is so the cheater can be punished. it's not so the person who was cheated on can know the truth, heal after being betrayed, or determine what's best for them. knowing that they were cheated on can only hurt them. the only way it helps is if their spouse is a serial cheater, and the betrayed is better off getting away from him/her.

 

i was cheated on once, and i never forgave. someone else told me. i'm happy they did, but i hardly remember that person anymore. i never recovered. that betrayal has affected my conduct in every relationship since. for me, it is a wound that will never heal, and i'm sure that i missed out on some good relationships because i didn't have the strength to commit again...to trust another person. you have to think about things like this when you start asking these questions. if you tell, you would be partially responsible for whatever comes next.

 

if i could do it over i would still want to know tho, but Smiley, it's not like you can tell, and the story is over. in many ways, the story is just beginning. what will the couple's reaction be? will you truly be labelled the "bad person" as many people have said you would?

 

how will you feel if you tell, and then, three months later, they're happier than ever, while you're labeled the homewrecker? what if you're forced to defend yourself about specific details of the relationship? he's in the army, right? the Uniform Code of Military Justice has articles in place for infidelity. what if she tells his command?

 

i know i'm going off topic now, but you have to think this through.

[savannahohsavannah]

He said that sometimes when people tell their significant others these things they do so with the intent to hurt them.

 

I responded on another thread as well, but I couldn't resist this one. I agree with what Empathy's shrink says. Telling is a knife in the back to someone. And actually, it's his wife who got it yesterday when you told. She's an INNOCENT victim here, just like you. My question is, to turn your own question around on you: Would you want to be told if a man had cheated on you, and had an LDR with someone for 2 1/2 years, when you had a 4 year old son with him? I don't always believe that women need to know, especially when it is an LDR. He may just think he's playing around on the intenet! Do you have significant face time with this man? That is the way he could see what he's doing, that he's not serious with you at all. Knowing that would hurt. I think it's hard to deal with some types of fellas and this is one of them It makes it easy to see why so many people aren't trusting.

[Delaurence23]

Of course i would want to know, its my life, and espcially for the kid

if the guys being a real jerk, and lieing this much he is a true player

and the wife should know immediately

[11flower]

Hi,

 

I think I'd have to agree that you may just want to walk away. At this point, why would you want to be who tells his wife? I don't mean to sound unkind, but I have some thoughts you might want to consider. If they don't apply to you, then you just throw them out.

 

Would you be hoping that he'd want to leave his wife then? See, if you tell his wife, it would cause such a rift that this could actually happen. This could also be taken as an attempt to "split up a family" as the saying goes. Not that this is your intention, though.

 

It sounds that you are concerned about his 4 yr. old son. What about his wife? Well, she is mainly his concern. I'd suggest that you ask yourself why you're thinking of telling his wife. Again, you may want to take the advice to just walk away from it. This will hurt you because you've invested yourself into this man over time. AFterall, did he cheat on you by not telling you he was married?

 

What if he were to leave his wife and be with you; and end up cheating on you as well? I hope it all turns out okay for everyone.

 

11Flower

 

PS Sorry if you are offended at anything I said. It's just that these situations are always sticky and people always get hurt.