Losing my mind...

[ajhurst210]

Hello. I'm currently going through the very worst break up of my life and I've tried everything to start moving on from it but nothing seems to be working. I've exhausted all of my friends and family members with talking about it. And none of them are going through it themselves... so as much as it helps to get it all out to them... I need to talk to people who fully understand what I'm feeling and going through right now. And I came accross this place and thought why not...

 

My name is Aaron and I'm 29 years old. I have no kids and have never been married. During my 29 years on this planet I've had a lot of bad relationships where I was cheated on, lied to, mistreated, or it simply didn't work out for some other reason. So before I met my now current ex girlfriend, I had reached a point in my life where I literally had accepted that I would be alone forever and was okay with it. I didn't need a relationship to be content. I wasn't fully happy or had a sense of fulfillment in life mind you, but I was content and self reliant.

 

Then out of nowhere, like most love stories begin, I met my ex through work. She pursued me. She initiated first contact and interest. We started hanging out and eventually it turned into dating. In the first few months I was extremely guarded with her. It took me awhile to open up to her which is the opposite of what I'm used to being like when starting a relationship. But due to my belief that relationships never work out and my new found sense of self reliance, I was very careful to not get too attached.

 

As she would tell me later on, during this period she was very frustrated and discouraged and almost gave up. But she kept at it and eventually I fully opened up and felt like the person I used to be in relationships again. I let go, took a leap of faith and fell for her. Extremely hard. And things were incredibly beautiful for almost the next full year. I had never in my life been so happy and confident and fearless with another person. She made me feel invincible. This wasn't just a honeymoon phase for me in my heart and mind... It was true blue love. The kind that I finally believed through and through would last forever.

 

She was extremely affectionate and told me how happy she was a lot and how much she loved me and her Facebook was littered with pictures of me and of us and posts basically bragging about how incredible her relationship is. And I did the same. I had never been so proud of being with someone before. I had never publicly displayed that kind of happiness in a relationship before because I simply had never felt it. Friends family and strangers were so supportive and happy for us. We had people tell us we were a beautiful couple and her friends would tell me they had never seen her as happy before in her life. Every day felt amazing. God it was a beautiful feeling.

 

Then we hit our very first major incompatibility. Now she was a very social person, she communicated with a lot of people and had alot of friends both guys and girls and I'm kind of polar opposite... I'm more of a homebody than a social butterfly and I have really only two good guy friends and that was all I needed. I knew we were different in that way from the start so I was okay with it. In fact I looked at it positively, maybe she'd open me up to the world more and if calm her down a bit at the same time and we'd balance each other out and complete one another.

 

When it comes to relationships I guess you could say I'm kind of old fashioned. I don't have friendships with other girls while in one. That means no texting, no private messages, no phone calls or hanging out exclusively with another girl. I don't like other women's pictures on social networking sites or even call female celebrities attractive while around my girlfriend... Maybe that's over doing it but I want my partner to always feel safe and secure with me and never have to worry about or compare herself to another woman while with me.

 

She was different though. She didn't see things that way or do things that way. She still wanted to have guy friends. Now she never wanted to go hang out with them or anything but she wanted to continue having relationships with her guy friends on a social level like Facebook messaging and texting and that's ok. I never expected her to give up talking to other men and I would never ask a girl to do that for me, especially one I knew was really social. So I trusted her and did my thing and let her do her thing and it was fine. But she finally crossed the line when she started rebuilding a friendship with her ex husband. She had been married before for a little over a year to this man and she caught him in bed with another woman and ended the marriage because of it. She didn't hide this from me, she asked me if it was okay with me that she talked to him and I knew in my heart that I wouldn't be okay with it but I told her it was fine anyway because I wanted to make her happy and didn't want to cause any problems.

 

But eventually after I started seeing him liking pictures of us and statuses of hers so much on Facebook and seeing his name on her phone so much, it started being too much for me to handle. I didn't like it one bit. I didn't feel like she would like it either if I was talking to one of my exes while with her. So I confronted her about it and told her it needed to stop now. That it was becoming too hard for me to be comfortable with. And she got red hot fuming mad. She told me she would not be controlled and that she shouldn't have to give up her friendships because of my insecurities. She even said that I was raising some major red flags for her by asking her to do this. I felt so low and pathetic for it that I went against everything I believed in and actually messaged the guy on Facebook and told him it was okay if they talked and had a friendship. Slowly we both pushed it to the back of our minds and continued on. But deep down, I knew I wasn't the same anymore after that. Things changed for me.

 

I started believing she still had feelings for him. That she still was attracted to him. That she still thought about him. So I had to compare myself to him a lot. I tried keeping all this to myself but it would come out every now and then and we'd argue about it. She knew how uncomfortable their relationship was making me and she chose to continue to have it. She deleted him off Facebook but told him it was because of me. She continued to text him... Even texted him while on vacation with me and my family in Florida. We got into a huge fight about it. I couldn't understand why she wouldn't just give me this one person. It wasn't like I was asking her to not talk to guys or trying to control her. I just don't agree with her having a relationship with her ex while in a relationship with me. I know of NO happy healthy couple that do that or would be okay with their partner doing that. And every time I tried to ask her to stop she would get extremely mad, defensive, and tell me I was too insecure and would ask me if she'd have to "deal with" my insecurities her whole life.

 

And it caused me for the last half of our relationship... to be extremely sensitive to her actions and words and to be needy. I started noticing her holding my hand less, wanting sex less, never initiating intimacy anymore. I battled with it all being in my head and it actually happening. Cuz I'd ask her why she would never initiate sex anymore or why she changed her profile picture on Facebook to just herself or why she would always rush through any moment where I tried to be romantic and just hold her or kiss her for awhile. And she would tell me that she's just not that type of person, that she's never been. But that wasn't true. She used to be very affectionate and expressive and loving with me and a lot of it just kind of died down for her.

 

When I would bring this up, she would tell me that she's just comfortable with me now and settling in for the long haul and didn't feel like it was necessary to have to show each other that kind of constant affection and love to be happy with each other. That our honeymoon phase was over and I had too high of expectations from her and from love, that I was too sensitive and too emotional. That i lived in a fairy tale Disney version of love. In the back of my mind I thought it had something to do with her ex husband. I started not feeling attractive enough for her. Not fun enough or good enough in bed. I literally picked myself apart while I was around her. Her decreasing interest in me, her decreased desire for sex and intimacy and expressing love for one another made me very paranoid and insecure.

 

I started convincing myself she didn't really want me or love me or find me attractive anymore. And it made me need constant reassurance from her, I would constantly want affection and it drove her crazy. She would tell me that if I could just relax that she could have a life with me but I was basically ruining things. Everything was my fault in her eyes. She would get extremely frustrated and fuming mad any time I showed emotions or slight insecurity.

 

So everything she said and did became personal. And I admittedly lost myself to it. I felt like I couldn't show emotions or insecurity around her, that i couldn't talk to her about things, that I was a burden for her and weak and pathetic in her eyes and slowly I became unhappy with her.

 

I finally told her all this and it basically spiraled from there. We fought a number of times and eventually while we were in a limbo period of figuring out how to fix things and if they even could be fixed, she accidentally texted me something she meant to sent to one of her friends talking about how hot some guy she just saw was and I lost it. Here she was, her boyfriend of over two years telling her that he doesn't feel attractive of wanted by her anymore and her relationship with him is on the rocks and she goes out of her way to text a friend how hot another man is. That never would have bothered me to the level that it did had we not been in the state we were in our relationship. So out of anger and hurt i told her it was over.

 

After a few days I calmed down and told myself I over reacted by dumping her for that and told her I didn't really want to break up over our problems and that I thought we could fix them. She spent the next month trying to decide if she wanted to try and fix things and eventually came to the conclusion she didn't want to.

 

She told me she woke up one day and had received clarity. And she immediately moved on. She wasn't upset, she wasn't hurt. She was totally fine with ending what was according to her, her longest and best relationship she'd ever been in.

 

That devastated me. Beyond devastated me. We were SO happy with each other at one point that I was looking at engagement rings and we were talking about moving in together and having children and all these plans for a future together. I knew we had problems but I believed through and through that we'd always work through them and be together for he rest of our lives. I had made that choice and that commitment. And I'm still very much in love with her.

 

We've been broken up for over a month and a half now and it's not getting any easier. I've lost weight from not eating, I've went to my doctor to get pills for depression, I barely sleep, I cry at least once every day, I'm seeing a grief counselor next week, I'm soooo lost and heartbroken from losing what I truly believed was the woman I'd spend the res of my life with... And what's making it worse, is that she's completely fine and has moved on already. Nearly three years together and the better half of those years being the happiest either of us have ever been, and she's moved on in the snap of a finger.

 

I feel so unattractive and unwanted and easily replaceable. I feel like I was lied to. It's turned my whole world upside down. The one time in my life that I truly believed in love and truly wanted to be with someone forever feels like a total fluke because it's over now and of how quickly and easily she's moved on from it.

 

How am I supposed to get over that? How am I supposed to force myself to not love or want her anymore? To not need her...

 

I don't know how to do any of this or if I even can. Everyone tells me time will make it easier and that one day I'll meet the right girl who will treat me the same as I treat her but not everyone in this world finds love. It happens all the time. I feel like this was the closest I will ever get and for the rest of my life I'm going to regret losing it. That no other girl as attractive as her will want me. That no one will ever be as happy with me as she was.

 

Some days I have moments of clarity where I realize she was wrong for me, but most of every day I'm telling myself I should've just listened to her and should have never said anything about her ex husband and should've just lived with it. I should've just been happy with what she gave me and that maybe she's right... Maybe I do live in a fairy tale world where love is always romantic and expressive...

 

I mean I feel extremely capable of keeping a relationship in the "honeymoon phase" for the entirety of it... I will always go to great lengths to do so... Never stop telling them they're attractive, never stop wanting to hold their hand or keep an active sex life, will always do little romantic gestures like writing poems or buying flowers and gifts for no reason other than I love them. That's just the kind of lover I am. It's what I always thought love was.

 

But what if what I had with her is the real version of love and I blew it by wanting it too much and being insecure?

 

How am I supposed to live with that?

 

And with the knowledge that she's the one who left me?...

[Man with Dog]

To be honest, you were right to challenge her about her relationship with her ex. You didn't mention kids, so really she had no reason to stay in touch with him. unless, as you rightly say, there was unfinished business. (Waits for a deluge of messages from people who are good friends with exes, LOL!)

 

You set the boundaries, she crossed them. I'm afraid there never was any way back after that. She might have been attracted to you, she may have even cared for you but she didn't love you. Had she not caught her ex cheating on her, she would still be with him. Deep in her heart, it is he she wants to be with, not you and not the "hot" guy.

 

There is life after love and usually love after love. Take care and good luck.

[ajhurst210]

Thank you. I keep telling myself the same things that you just said. All my friends and family tell me the same aswell. That if she really loved me she would've respected the boundaries that I put up and cared that she was upsetting me and stopped. And that the relationship was doomed after that point... And I think deep down I always knew that. I just didn't want to accept it or face it because it was the best relationship I'd ever been in and she made me feel so wanted and loved.

 

I personally don't do friendships with exes. She's told me she would like for us to stay friends... And for some people maybe that works. But I truly believe in the saying that if two people who were in love can be friends after breaking up, then they are either still in love or never were.

 

And since she had married him, and like you said... would still be with him had she not caught him cheating... I believe she is still in love with him to some degree. Plus, if this is the type of man that would cheat during a marriage, then how could I have ever trusted a friendship between the two of them knowing he was that type of guy? She just never saw it that way and made me out to be over sensitive and insecure... Which in turn, actually made me that way with her.

 

It just is hard to accept... You spend nearly a year feeling inadequate to the person you love and weak in their eyes you start to believe it. I battle with it a lot still.

[Man with Dog]

Whilst the exact circumstances of our relationships and break-ups differ, just about everyone here has suffered at least one. You can't see it yet but there is life after a break-up, although the healing process can take a long time.

[chamachama]

Hey man, I commend you on your honesty with your post. With experience comes knowledge and wisdom. That said, just because YOU feel like she needs to feel secure in the fact that you don't be-friend or talk or even notice other women, does not mean that its something that she ACTUALLY needs or wants. You assumed that she needed and wanted you to be like that in order to feel secure with you. She very well could be secure enough in herself to allow you to be friends with and hang out with who ever the heck you want to hang out with. She might be that confident. That is control issue #1. Then you pushed your insecurities on to her by using the fact that YOU don't associate with other girls to justify your insecurities about her associating with other men. That is control issue #2.

 

The truth of the matter is that you should be confident and secure enough in yourself AND your relationship with your girlfriend to be cool with her chilling with who ever the heck she wants to chill with. Knowing and believing 100% that YOU are the one she will want to be going home with in the end, and not them. And you should be able to do the exact same thing with her being totally secure that she is the apple in your eye as well. You BOTH should be secure in your relationship with each other. She was. You were not.

 

What you did instead was try to control her and show her that you are not at all a confident man. You are not secure within yourself. And in order to feel secure, you must control her and who she associates with. That is almost always a HUGE turn off to most women. Women respect strength and confidence. Not weakness and insecurity. Needing to control is insecure. That's why she reacted that way. My bet is her ex isn't at all like that. My bet is that she wants a man to be confident enough to let her do whatever she wants knowing he is the one she will go home with at the end of the night. Facebook likes? Really man? That's YOUR insecurities, not hers.

 

Its not being old fashioned that makes you want to control women. Its being insecure. Sorry if that's something you do not want to read right now. But its the truth and if you are going to get back up and try and find another relationship with someone and you want it to be healthy and last... You'd better get over that sheet now. No girl wants to be a slave. No girl wants a needy insecure guy. No girl wants to be controlled. Learn from your mistakes with this one. And make damn sure you don't repeat them for next time.

 

Also, trying to keep a relationship in the honeymoon phase is pretty telling as well to be honest. Its a honeymoon phase for a reason. It passes. And what you are left with is TRUST, understanding, and mutual chemistry. Again, its a control thing. Trying to keep her attention pinned directly on you is controlling. Allowing her to be herself and have the freedoms that come with trust and believing in the relationship with each other... is a much more healthy way to love someone. All of the little honeymoon phase gifts and words only go so far...

 

All of that said, I am truly sorry that you are hurting man. I hope that you get up and move on in a healthy manor soon. The pain with subside with time. Go find new things and new people and new activities to get into. That's how you heal from a breakup. And NO CONTACT!!! Any contact at all will no doubt compound and validate her reasoning for breaking up with you in the first place. Don't do it. Move on in a healthy positive way instead...

[Man with Dog]

I think the line is that many of us have friends of the opposite sex but I think her closeness to her ex would have worried an otherwise secure person.

 

The whole story makes me think that she really wanted to be with this ex. I could be wrong but it seems like that to me.

[chamachama]

I think the line is that many of us have friends of the opposite sex but I think her closeness to her ex would have worried an otherwise secure person.

 

The whole story makes me think that she really wanted to be with this ex. I could be wrong but it seems like that to me.

 

 

She was different though. She didn't see things that way or do things that way. She still wanted to have guy friends. Now she never wanted to go hang out with them or anything but she wanted to continue having relationships with her guy friends on a social level like Facebook messaging and texting and that's ok. I never expected her to give up talking to other men and I would never ask a girl to do that for me, especially one I knew was really social.

 

After reading the above, I can only conclude that he is not cool at all with her having real friendships with other men. And I'm friends with ex's and I've been with many women who are still friends with theirs. He admits it in his post that he became more and more insecure and needy. He explains that she doesn't hang our with her guy friends but talks to them? Why not hang out with them too? Her connecting to other men (ex included) bothered him. He may not have showed it as much until it came to her ex but its obvious that it did.

[ParisPaulette]

First, I'm sorry about the break up and I wish I could tell you it's not going to hurt, but yeah it is and it does. So enough said.

 

As to this relationship, I'm sorry, but no. Her relationship with the ex-husband was inappropriate. They were rekindling something and she got overly angry with you on it, because she was feeling guilty. Otherwise she would have been willing to talk to you about it and come to a compromise. Instead she spiraled further out of control and yeah, she likely was heading for affair lnd with him or worse anyways. I have an ex-husband, we are friendly to each other, because we have kids and that's it. No way would I be doing or allowing him to do the things you describe. And on vacation with you and your family? Unless it's about a specific topic everyone can understand like kids or shared property there simply is zero reason to be texting an ex-period-end of story. "We're just friends my tucas!"

 

So you were right in speaking up, right in holding to your boundaries. I think she never got over the ex and when the ex reached out even if she said it was only for friendship I don't think she was being honest with you or herself even about that. And I know it hurts and I know you sometimes worry you did the wrong thing, but you didn't. It's just that breakups are hard and we all go through that bargaining stage of a loss in that we think "if only I had done or could do X, Y, X then maybe it all would've worked out." But the harsh fact is no it wouldn't have. Look around on this forum and you'll find story after story of "my partner says this is just a friendship, really and yet my gut and their actions say otherwise" and yes it turns out the person was right.

 

So always trust yourself and your own instincts. In this case they were dead-on right. As you pointed out you weren't telling her no she couldn't have male friends. You were telling her the relationship with the ex was getting inappropriate and to stop it. And she chose not to and chose to turn it around on you instead of just accepting responsibility and admitting that yeah, it was inappropriate. Highly so.

 

Now, there were some other points in your post that caught my eye and I'm going to address those. You state you've been in several failed relationships where you were cheated on, lied to, etcetera. First, understand I think it's really rare if a person never has this happen to them. And usually yeah, more than once. This is primarily because when we're younger (and for a few maybe always) we ignore red flags and warning signs over our gut emotions. We also don't usually have talks with our significant others about boundaries early on in a relationship--I.e. what is okay, what isn't okay. We also tend to shout ourselves down when we see something wrong, know it's wrong, but don't want to just face it head on and handle it right then and there being afraid of rocking a boat that frankly is already rocking at the point you see something wrong anyways. And I suspect that's a lot of where your trouble has been. That you see red flag behaviors and don't speak up quickly enough. That you shout yourself down and instead of saying, "Well, you know, I'm cool with your male friends, but suddenly getting chummy with someone who cheated on you? What's up with that, because I do not feel comfortable with that at all." And you nip it in the bud at the start OR you let the person go right then and there and say you aren't willing to walk down that road one more time, good luck, have a nice life. And you walk away. And yes, you do have to be that ruthless sometimes about it.

 

The fact is relationships are often about learning what works for you and what doesn't. And each relationship brings something valuable in the way of life lessons in both what you want and don't want and in the types of people you let into your life. And to that end you may want to, at some point either on your own or with a counselor or other trusted external party, take a look back at the type of people you have gravitated to who didn't work out. You will usually see a pattern there and you will usually be able to recognize sooner or later that maybe you keep going after the wrong type of person.

 

That's been my experience anyways. Also others are right. It's not realistic to want that honeymoon stage to never end, but I think what you are describing isn't so much that as it is keeping a relationship alive. Something way too many people forget to do. And there is nothing wrong with that if you have a partner who feels the same way, agrees to that, and who understands that after the honeymoon phase is over feelings should deepen into more trust, more shared life together. My guess is this girl can't get to that stage with anyone and I say that, because starting a really close "friendship" with someone who betrayed you speaks volumes about not being emotionally healthy. And I think if you take a step back you'll be able to see there were red flags and warnings about that aplenty before the ex even showed up. It's just hard to see in the beginning.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say in this book I've written is you are going to be okay. You were right, you know. And to understand that as you get older you will find people who learn to be more honest and what healthy boundaries are after all, because so many of us had to learn it the hard way. Through hard experience, myself included. And there is hope though that it does get better. Focus on your healing, focus on where you maybe overlooked things you shouldn't have, learn to trust yourself more. And never feel bad for being you.

[ajhurst210]

I agree with a lot of what you said. Trust me, I acknowledge my growing insecurity during our relationship and my part I played in it. I told myself constantly throughout the relationship exactly what you are telling me now. That I should be okay with her talking to whoever and be confident enough and secure enough in the relationship to know that. And I was. For the first part of our relationship I could've cared less about who she talked to.. I never once worried about her or felt insecure around her. I am not an insecure person by default.

 

But try and understand something, some people, including myself, draw certain lines in the sand when it comes to that. Every relationship should have boundaries. And the only line I ever drew with her, was her relationship with her ex husband. I never set up boundaries or tried to "control" her or who she talked to beyond that. I choose not to do those things in a relationship and I KNOW that just because I do it, doesn't mean they have to. She had plenty of guys friends that she still talked to and stayed in touch with throughout our relationship and I never said a word about them, cuz like you said... I knew that I was the one she was with at the end of the day. But that doesn't mean I should have to be okay with EVERYTHING or not be able to ask my partner to respect my wishes. I don't view it as "controlling" someone to ask them to respect a certain boundary that you place.

 

You mistake my boundaries that I place upon myself and follow during a relationship as a set in stone guideline that anyone who is with me must follow aswell, or that I felt she NEEDED it or even that I needed it in return. I do it by choice because that's the type of person I am. People are different in lots and lots of ways. Is my way any more right than hers or yours or anyone else's? No. But it swings both ways there.

 

Loyalty and security in a relationship isn't just about not cheating physically or emotionally with another person. There are grey areas between the black and white of the standard do's and don't's during a relationship and they vary from person to person.

 

Insecurity for me, was first created when I went to her with something that I originally tried to be okay with, and realized I couldn't be, so I asked her to stop, and instead of talking it out or compromising, she got furious and I was told who I was as a person for it, that i was trying to control her and made out to be someone and something that I am not. Which I feel is a form of control. Making someone feel bad about something to where they start questioning their own beliefs and feelings so they change them for your own sake. So I believe due to our different views on the situation and lack of communication, we both were trying to control one another. Not just me tying to control her. And when that happens you can either work it out as a team, or one person conforms to the other. Which i did. And she continued to talk to him throughout our relationship and it continued to be an issue.

 

When someone deliberately does something that you've told them hurts you, they're making the choice to hurt you over making a sacrifice for the better of their relationship. And that in turn, creates resentment, which leads to insecurity and neediness.

 

And I certainly acknowledge that no relationship, no matter the effort of the two, stays in that beginning "honeymoon phase" forever. But I do believe that there should remain a certain spark and excitement towards one another throughout the relationship and that two people should have to work together to keep that. Again, I disagree as that being a form of control. Cuz wouldn't someone telling me that I should settle for less than what I want in a relationship be a form of control on their part aswell?

 

It's not about control for me. It's about effort, respect, and setting up and adhering to boundaries and making sacrifices. Cuz relationships are work. Thinking that they are not and that you will never have to make sacrfices for your partner's sake, even if you don't agree with them, would be the real fairy tale version of love.

 

So while I agree a lot with your view and respect your words and opinion.. I have to disagree that I went into this relationship with the intention of controlling it and her and that I ever tried to. Or that I need to quit being who I am in order to be in a successful relationship.

[chamachama]

Let me ask you this...

 

If you set a boundary such as the one you set for example, and she doesn't cross it because she doesn't want to hurt you (but would cross it otherwise) is that something you really want in a relationship?

 

I don't know man. I've learned a lot in the last 5 or so years post divorce. One of the things that I've learned is that I never want to stop someone from doing what they WANT to do. Last thing I want is for my girlfriend to come home and be thinking "well, I really WANTED to spend time with that guy instead of Chama, but I didn't because I don't want to hurt him..." No freaking way. If she wants to go do something she should do it and deal with the result after I am notified. Maybe I'm cool with it. Maybe I'm not. If she decides that's what she wants though, well, she needs to deal with whatever comes next.

 

Another question for you. Do you think their is a chance that your LACK of socializing with the opposite sex and even noticing them may have had the opposite effect you intended it to have? Do you think that she may have looked at the big picture and painted you a specific way? Like maybe she might have been either threatened by it, or felt guilty, or pressured to be like you, or suffocated?

 

After you explained the honeymoon thing more clearly I have to agree. Yes, there should always be a spark and two people should always be looking to turn each other on and putting effort into making each other happy. What I thought you were saying is that you were trying to keep it in that honeymoon phase the entire time. After that beginning phase, what comes next is being real and finding out the inner workings of each other and learning to trust one another. A very very important stage in a relationship that must occur.

 

Look man, she very well may have been testing the waters again with the ex. Your reaction though perpetuated it and pushed her farther in his direction. The bottom line though is that you two are obviously not meant to be, my friend. Call it bad timing or whatever. And if it makes you feel any better, chances are things wont work out with the ex and her. He's a cheater and she knows it. He will most likely do it again. And since that's who she left you for... I only hope that you are healed and feeling logical enough to tell her to go screw when the time comes (if she comes back to you on her own).

[No1]

Aaron, what you are feeling is quite normal. After a break up we all go thru this, we feel unwanted, un needed, insecure, our esteem goes in the toilet and we feel that we will never love again and we question if the right things were done and we over analyze the past and we don't know what to do because we over think, I like to say we have paralyzation by over analyzation. We think so much we are stuck.

 

Other people say you were in the right on confront your then GF about her X. You let your insecurities get the best of you: She chose you, she is dating you, she is in love with you, on vacation with you and every single time you mentioned her X, you gave him that much more power. In my experience, every single time you mention the X, you are letting him into your lives. The more you mention, the more she will think about her X. Then you used the word "confront". Confronting anyone will end up in disaster, they become defensive and you are the one that ends up hurt. This was the beginning of the end.

 

From that point on the relationship was doomed. Weather or not you knew, you sabotaged the relationship. You basically dared her to break up with you. Your insecurities got the best of you and you went into 'protection' mode and started to build a wall that your then GF saw. You resigned from the relationship and let her X grow in power. Now, I don't know if she was ever going to do anything with the X, who knows the dynamics of their relationship, maybe they were just friends, who knows. But you pushed her to her going away. I know the position you are in, Ive made the mistakes and learned from them. You mention the X once, and you leave it alone. you say that "you are not comfortable with him being in her life because you feel he is not being respectful to us" Then its up to her. If you demand or give ultimatums she is not going to respond the way you want to. But perhaps others are right, she wasn't over him or who knows, the thing is that whats done is done. Mistakes were made on both sides and you don't give yourself anymore guilt than what you have, in fact, you shed the guilt.

 

This is the easiest way to look at it. She wasn't the one for you. Now you have room in your life and heart for someone better. Your only 29, do you really think your love life is over for the next 80years? You've only been dating about 10yrs? And you think you wont find anyone? It might seem like it now, but believe me its not over, not by a long shot my friend. I thought the same thing as you at 29, then at 33 I was thinking.. what the heck were you thinking at 29? Truth is that you are going to get over this. You are going to be happy, you are going to be alright. Blame, fault, winning or losing does not matter. What you two said, what you two promised what she said about the future no longer matters. Lots of guys hold on to what was promised. "We were talking about getting married" "She said she never loved anyone like me before" Whatever she said, you have to toss it out. It no longer matters.

 

The trick is to not try to forget. Youll never forget, but the more you concentrate on your life the sooner you can move on with it. Keep the good memories, discard the bad. We are apart of everyone we have ever met. We take the good qualities of the people we meet, it what makes us and molds us. You are a better person for this, you learn from your mistakes and you apply that to the next relationship. Keep your chin up Aaron, she wasn't the one for you. She is out there. Don't dwell on what you cant change. You have control of your life, make yourself happy.

[ajhurst210]

No1...

 

I agree. The more I thought about it and the more I confronted her about it and brought it up definitely played a huge part in our relationship with one another.

 

I realize that now, and even deep down realized it at the time, that once I had said I wasn't comfortable with her relationship with him and left her with the choice of what to do with that information that the discussion should have ended there and I shouldn't have given it power over us or me any longer. And if she chose to continue it, I should've ended it then. And on the opposite end, she should've left me due to it aswell if it was that big of deal to her to adhere to a boundary that I set.

 

Talking about all this and hearing so many different sides of it is eye opening in a lot of ways. I'm battling with who was in the right and who was in the wrong and who could've done what to prevent what and like you said... It really doesn't matter. The bottom line is, is that we weren't meant for each other.

 

All I can do is learn from it and try and move on.

 

It's just insanely hard to let go of something you were so sure of. It's hard not to let it consume you and kick you down into depression and negative thinking. It's hard to let go of love... Even if it was false love or love that was never meant to be.

 

Thank you to everyone who is offering their view and opinion on all this. It's certainly helping me.

[No1]

It is human nature to find answers. We want to know the whys. Sometimes the simplest answers are the best but people don't accept them. It has to be something else so they continue to ask and sometimes never satisfying their thirst to know.

If you can accept the current situation which is you are a free and single man and you are going to be happy then that's a good start. Rid yourself of the Wants, Needs and Fears and youll be on your way to a happy life.

You Wanting to know why it happened and where is the blame, You Needing to know the answers and what she was thinking, and your Fears of being single forever has to be thrown out. I know its far easier said than done. Ive been there and done that myself. But you can do it. She was not the one for you. That's your answer, nothing else matters.

Go make yourself happy.

[lilygirl]

I am sorry to hear that you are going through this. I have a few thoughts... first, as someone who has remained friends with an ex and has maintained that friendship while dating other people, I think that your ex was being very defensive about her ex and it sounds like there is much unfinished business between them and that is a huge red flag. And I agree that her wanting to have anything to do with someone who cheated on her is another red flag as well.

 

I believe that she should have been more understanding of your position as you were her priority. Yes, you were/are insecure about this but I think your instincts were dead on and good for you for not ignoring them. As you ruminate and go through the whole process of coulda, woulda, shoulda, try to remember that you can only ignore your instincts for so long. You can ignore your instincts over and over again but they will never go away so this was going to come up eventually. It may have bought you some more time but I think you would have ended up in the same place because it sounds to me that she was unwilling to compromise on her interactions with her ex. Your insecurity during this time was your issue but it seems to me that she offered little to no support or understanding.

 

And as far as friends with ex's goes, I would never text my ex while on holidays with my partner. I would be open about any of the interactions I may have/had with my ex with my current partner, all cards on the table, boundaries in place. The other reason it has worked out as both my ex and I have dated other people and been respectful and understanding of each other's partners and their comfort level.

[catfeeder]

My heart goes out to you. I've made it my private policy that I will not involve myself or remain involved with anyone who is in any way involved with an ex beyond shared children. Your story demonstrates exactly why, and I hope that you'll find comfort soon.

 

Head high.

[Man with Dog]

Very well said and put! Excellent point about the "if only I hadn't done this or I should have said this" syndrome. I remember feeling my gut was telling me my ex wife's friendship with one of my friends was inappropriate but my head said "she's my wife and he's my friend, nothing will happen". In the long run, I realised that I couldn't have stopped it. As you say most relationships are fated to end and there's hardly a person on here that hasn't been cheated on.

[Man with Dog]

My heart goes out to you. I've made it my private policy that I will not involve myself or remain involved with anyone who is in any way involved with an ex beyond shared children. Your story demonstrates exactly why, and I hope that you'll find comfort soon.

 

Head high.

 

Agree 1000%

[FirstIn]

AjHurst...

 

Don't let anyone tell you that you were too insecure. In fact it is quite natural to become insecure in a situation that you experienced. Who wouldn't become insecure when their partner is talking to their ex? HEELLLOOO? I don't think you are an insecure person. I think your ex and her actions caused you to feel insecure. This does not make you an insecure person in general.

 

Why do I say this? I experienced many the same things as you. My ex was friends with and old ex and his best friend who she called her best friends when we started dating. I met the best friend once at the start and he professed his love for her. The old ex I never met. She never wanted it to happen. Always had some excuse. She even phased him out to just Facebook. The bad thing was she always kept in touch with him to some extent. He was somewhat inappropriate - liked every picture without me in it, but never one of with me and her. It bothered me much like you were bothered. I expressed my feeling of being disrespected too. What's going to happen in 10 years? Will this guy and his friends (and family) still be in the picture and I will have never met them? I was called insecure as well and too sensitive just like you.

 

But here's the thing. I wasn't. It never even bothered me that she had a friend that was a guy or actually that he was once an ex from high school (at the start). It only bothered me once she became defensive and I realised that our relationship and their relationship (friendship) were two separate things that would never be allowed together. All she had to do was introduce me. We could have become friends even. She didn't, it made me feel disrespected, jealous and insecure. It went totally against my values that she maintain contact with people who would like to get her in bed.

 

My ex also dropped of enormously on the intimacy level. Trust me, you don't want to be worrying about this stuff after two years. You would be worrying about it for the rest of your life.

 

You and I both have values. Everybody has them and has different values. No one can expect to go into a relationship and have perfectly matching values. However, you choose to make sacrifices to a certain extent. I.e. you wouldn't go and have sex with another woman because your girlfriend would be upset. Some people have open relationships and this would be ok to them.

 

What I am trying to say is. You ex knew your values, and basically decided that hurting you by maintaining a somewhat regular contact relationship her ex husband was more important. She could have met you in the middle somehow, discussed it all in a mature manner. Instead she put it all on you, call you insecure, when it was actually her that was doing something bad by treating you with no respect. Sure you had good times. But in the end, she didn't really respect your feelings about something that was important to you.

 

You will face challenges like this in the future with someone else because everyone is different and no one sees the same on everything. The difference will be that the future girlfriend will see that her actions hurt you and won't see your hurt as a bad thing, but something to work out together. You attempted to respect her values. You weren't really for friends of the opposite sex in relationships. Fine. But you respected your ex's values to know it was important to her. She never really met you in the middle though did she?

 

I know I treated my ex with honesty, love and respect. I know she loved me but didn't treat me in the same manner. The only thing I feel I have to improve about myself relationship wise for the future is my ability to stick to my values. My ex walked all over mine and instead of sticking to mine I said it was ok by fearing her walking away from me. In the end she left a relationship without much respect for me I guess. A couple of weeks after she left I went on her Facebook and guess what I saw. Her ex wrote a message asking to hang out and she said a big YES!. I was angry for a bit, I still miss her. But I am also kind of glad I don't have to deal with this issue anymore. It ate at my soul. I was sick of worrying about it at a subconscious level. You will be ok. It will suck for a long time and you will miss her. But guess what! Now you are free of it all. If you feel you don't have anything, at least you have that. You no longer have to deal or even think about her stupid ex husband ever again!! And if you worry about her getting a new boyfriend... guess what! You can feel sorry for him because it will most likely bother him as well!

 

Respect yourself, respect your values in a relationship and always be prepared to walk away if the other person isn't prepared to work together.

[ajhurst210]

Thank you FirstIn! Every word you just said describes exactly why I became insecure around her and how I feel/felt about the subject. Many people are different on the friends with their exes subject. Some people actually can have friendships with their exes with no ulterior motives in mind. But the majority I feel, cannot. Maybe my ex and her exhusband's relationship with each other was harmless. Maybe they never did any flirting or talking about inappropriate things. Maybe, as many people have said, my insecurities got the better of me and turned their relationship with each other into something it wasn't and gave it that much more power over ours.

 

But the fact that I keep coming back to, is that when I calmly came to her, as her partner, as someone who was her friend... and asked for her to respect my feelings and my values by cutting off further contact with him... whether it be out of respect, my insecurities, or whatever... and she got furious and made the choice that her relationship with a man who was no longer in her life and that had cheated on her while in a marriage together, was more important that her relationship with me. The man who IS in her life now, who IS NOT cheating on her. Who is respecting her and treating her well and making her happy. He's the one who should take priority in the situation. And that's not because I feel like I should be the most important person in her life or that I should always come first. But you're in a partnership... A relationship being built on trust, honesty, respect, and reliance. You should be able to go to your partner with something like that and at very least compromise about it without going into volcano mode. I never would have been okay with their friendship together. Never. Because it goes against my gut instincts and my values as a human being. Again, I know some people's views and values on that subject are different. But those are mine. And just like they feel they shouldn't have to change theirs, I feel like I shouldn't have to change mine. But I'm the type of person who like a few have mentioned, make the mistake time and time again to ignore such a thing because they don't want to end a relationship. So they'll stay with the person, knowing it wouldn't work. And that was my mistake... I wanted it to work so bad that I never acknowledged or wanted to face that it more than likely couldn't work.

[ajhurst210]

Very well said and put! Excellent point about the "if only I hadn't done this or I should have said this" syndrome. I remember feeling my gut was telling me my ex wife's friendship with one of my friends was inappropriate but my head said "she's my wife and he's my friend, nothing will happen". In the long run, I realised that I couldn't have stopped it. As you say most relationships are fated to end and there's hardly a person on here that hasn't been cheated on.

 

Yes! Paris hit every note dead on there.

 

I spent a long long time during our relationship shoving the whole thing to the back of my mind for the sake of keeping things going. Cuz I would have a lot of moments where I would tell myself the same thing... "She's my girlfriend, they're only talking, she wouldn't go beyond that, so I should just deal with it... So she's talking to her ex and I don't like it, big deal.. At least I have her, and I'm the one she's dating."

 

And that's how I rationalized it. That's how I coped for a long time. In all, I think I only mentioned it to her and his name was only brought up 4 to 5 times in those almost three years we spent together. And really only 3 of those times were a full blown fight over it. But because me and her differed so greatly on the subject, it was a huge elephant in the room for the rest of our relationship. I tried to ignore my instincts, cuz that's all they are, are instincts, they're not solid facts. I tried really hard. But as someone said, you can't ignore your instincts forever. It's not good for you to do so. It's also incredibly unhealthy mentally to try and ignore something that bothers you so much for the sake of a relationship. It transforms your mind into negative, obsessive, paranoid thinking... And you grow increasingly insecure from that. And the other person has to suffer along with you and your relationship has to suffer and eventually, it causes it to end. Either that, or your instincts play out and turn out to be dead on and you get cheated on, physically or emotionally.

 

Either way, either outcome... It was just as much my fault for the failure of the relationship as it was hers... Not because either of us were more right or wrong than the other... But because we should've ended it there. But both of us stuck to our guns and thought things would still work. And that was naive.

 

I may feel like I was wronged, that the choice to choose your current relationship over a past one should be a very simple thing. And that because it wasn't for her, my instincts told me she still had feelings for him or him for her and eventually, even if it's harmless at first... the line will get crossed. Maybe me and her will get into a fight like couples do... and while she's furious at me for something stupid she may turn to him for comfort or revenge... That scenario right there constitutes cheating for me. Emotional cheating, but cheating just the same. Or maybe while he's drunk one night he decides to text her inappropriate things... Cuz her continuing to be in his life by choice will give him a sense of freedom with her that he shouldn't have anymore.

 

There's just too many ways that their friendship with each other could turn inappropriate.

 

There is certainly the chance that nothing innappproriate could have or would have ever happened between them. I can acknowledge that. But my values and my instincts go against that. And you have to stick true to yourself and your values. Cuz if you don't.. Then who even are you? You're certainly not you. You're just someone who is someone else for the sake of being with someone else.

 

I'll miss her, for a long time. I still love her and I'm sure the grieving period isn't over yet for me. But this is really REALLY helping me come to the conclusion that there was never anything either of us could've done to fix things after the first conversation about it. It was doomed. And in turn, her and I were never meant to be together like I had spent so long believing. And that'll be hard to let go of, but this will help push me in the right direction.