Help fast!! Should I call his wife and tell about affair??

[Smity22]

Ok, my b/f unbeknownst to me, who Ive been with for 2 1/2 years is married and has a kid! He has cheated on her other times too. Should I tell his wife? I know I would want to know! Also, what would I say??

[annie24]

OMG! I'm so sorry to hear this! This must be rough for you. I don't want to sound accusatory or mean, I'm just wondering, how did he hide this from you for 2.5 years? How did you not know? How did you find out? Does he live apart from his wife?

 

As for telling his wife or not... I don't know. I would like to think that a person who has their eyes open may already know that her husband has been cheating on her for 2.5 years. Maybe she kinda knows, but doesn't want to think about it, you know? Some people live in denial.

 

Good luck - I'm sorry you've had this rotten luck. I hope things go well for you from now on.

[johnagent1911]

I don't think it's your place to 'tell' on anyone. Why would you do that? No good would come from that. (Other then ruining the kid's life.) Before jumping to anything why not think about what you'd be doing first?

[Smity22]

it was an LDR

[annie24]

So, he never gave you his home number? When you say LDR, would he drive to your town on weekends or something? I presume he was telling his wife he was on a "business trip?"

[Smity22]

He gave me his cell # and said thats all he used.

[DN]

Before you do anything, examine your own motives in telling her: is it because you feel sorry for her or want to get revenge on him?

[annie24]

So, did he break up with you because he says he wants to work on his relationship with his wife?

 

I don't know.... if you have an STD, I would tell the wife for sure. Otherwise, I don't know. It's a tough call. What good would it do? Like I said, it's quite possible she already knows...you never know what types of arrangements couples have. Some couples are ok with arrangements such as these. Not most, but some may be.

 

Did you ever suspect during your relationship with him that something wasn't quite right? I'm just curious. You're not the only woman this has happened to - just look at Amber Frey. What would he say to you when he couldn't be with you on Valentine's Day or Christmas?

[Smity22]

honestly, both!

[Mysterious Gurl]

I'd personally stay out of unless the wife becomes suspicious in anyway.

[Smity22]

Well he is in the army, so it wasn't that suspicious that he couldn't spend those holidays with me. I knew he had been married before but he said that they got divorced and she was living in Maryland

[sisterlynch]

How did you figure out that he was actually married?

 

Do you know her? How would you call her?

 

I would vote no, dont hurt her. I am assuming that she is already in a lot of pain. you would only be adding salt to the wound.

[annie24]

Smity - well, from what you've told us so far, I think I'd actually go ahead and tell her. It won't be pretty. She may accuse you of being a liar. You'd need "documentation" or proof to show her that you're not lying. He'll probably yell at you.

 

If he's in the army, then I understand why you or his wife didn't catch on right away....

 

You are broken up with him now, right? Or are going to, right?

[cleverme123]

First off, if you tell her, which frankly I would...she isn't going to believe you. She may get up in your face and have a totally different reaction then what you might think. She isn't going to accept it open heartedly unless they have some kinda of funky agreement.

 

As far as it being hidden for 2.5 years, didn't anyone follow the whole Lacy Peterson case. Yes men do this, and get away with it for a while before it bites them.

 

Just curious does he know that you know?

[Smity22]

Their # is unlisted. I paid $20 on the internet and found it. I called it, she answered and I hung up. I'm scared. I told him I was going to tell and he said dont do it b/c of his son.... He's done it to her before and I feel bad for her b/c I know how much pain I'm in. He even proposed to me and gave me a ring...

 

I found out because I had a weird feeling and looked up the guy he said he was living withs #. He said that guy had gotten divorced after Iraq too, so they were splitting rent. Well when I called him, a woman answered and I asked if my b/f was there, she said no one by that name lived there. So I confronted my b/f and found out he was still living with his wife... This all happened last night.

[sisterlynch]

What you are doing is hurting another human being -- you didn't know that he was married...

 

But your feelings will still hurt and her whole life will be turned over. The child's life too.

 

He gave you a ring, and he is still married to another woman?

[Smity22]

Yes he did... but wouldn't you want to know if your husband cheated on you and proposed to another woman?

[DN]

I agree with sisterlynch on her advice on this one. Also make sure that he doesn't become revengeful back if you tell. Not to scare you unnecessarily and you will know better than me if he could become violent or anything. but please bear that in mind if itis a possible problem.

 

sisterlynch, I have read the quote. But putting words in quotation marks doesn't make them more truthful, wise or insightful than if they have to make their own way in the world unprotected by punctuation.

[sweetpea4670]

Mabye this is simply my immature thinking, but as Smity22 said, wouldn't you want to know if you were the one being cheated on? I know that I most definitely would. Now, whether I would continue to be with this person for the sake of the child would be my decision. If he continues to do this, and his wife never finds out, that would be heartbreaking. As his wife, I would want to know so I can best figure out how to deal with it. Sure, if she didn't tell her, she might not find out and that would save her grief, but what kind of logic is that?

 

If he doesn't tell his wife based on not wanting to ruin his life and his family, then wouldn't it follow the same logic as a cheating man continuing to cheat but not telling his wife for the sake of the child and keeping his family together? If you believe that she shouldn't tell him, do you also believe that a cheating man (or woman) should not tell his or her spouse for the same reason? I would rather know and deal with it how I want to, than to turn a blind eye to the situation. What kind of relationship can exist that is based on a lie? I think the wife deserves to know.

[DN]

Takes two to fight sisterlynch - count me as a non-combatant. It seems to me that this site exists to help people not engage in gender wars. I have two daughters and am glad that they both feel able to come to me for help and advice - sometimes they even take it!

[Smity22]

And why in the heck do I still love him??? I hate him so much, but I love him! Am I crazy?????

[DN]

That, unfortunately, is the eternal, unanswerable question. For all the logical, sensible, intuitive advice anybody can give, none of us can truly answer why we love people who hurt us.

 

For now, you need to just love yourself for a while.

 

No you're not crazy.

 

Good fortune to you.

[peanut15]

I think you should stay out of her business and end all communication with him. My husband cheated on me and the other woman posed as someone else to tell me and she ended up blaming me for their affair and that it ended. But as the betrayed spouse, I can tell you that you'll be attacked, called every name in the book and even have other names created for you..etc. What good is going to come out of this? NOTHING. I can tell you that she probably knows as did I but maybe think that the husband is not possible of doing something like that as we usually give our spouse the benefit of the doubt. You are just going to get yourself dragged into this rather than being a savior or angel or anything good.

[Smity22]

I fully don't intend to be the saviour or an angel! Would you want to know if your husband proposed to another girl? Even if I get away from him, Im sure he would cheat on her again. She already knows he has done it once and they tried to work it out. Honestly I don't care if she accuses me, because she will realize (eventually) I'm not the wrong one! I'm not going to blame her for the affair at all, I know it's not her fault, it is his. I'm just scared for his 4 year old son, I don't want things to be ruined for him because of me...

[Altoidbox]

It will be rough once his wife finds out, and it will be hard on his son, but he brought this all upon himself and he will have to face the consequences. Sooner or later his wife will eventually find out, whether you tell her or not.