Specific actions you have done to aid healing...

[rich46]

It's been about 10 weeks of NC for me after quite an abrupt about-face from my ex, but NC has made me realise what happened and how this is probably for the best after all, just wish she would have been a bit more mature and upfront with me, but hey ho.

 

Anyway, during the first 4 weeks especially, I found it a bit difficult to get through, although I knew I would do as I have been here before and experience told me the specific actions of what to do. I appreciate this is very much an individual thing, but wanted to get a list going of specific little actions you took during the initial days and weeks to survive!

 

Here is my list:

 

1. Immediately took down all photos and locked them away.

2. Threw some things like key-rings she bought me in the trash!

3. Deleted her number and all her photos from my phone.

4. Put all photos from my computer onto a portable hard drive.

5. Bought some new furniture to freshen up my apartment.

6. Rearranged existing furniture for the same reasons.

7. Hid a painting she painted for me in my wardrobe, but will get rid completely at some point.

8. Listened to punk (Sex Pistols) pretty much exclusively for the first six weeks.

9. Put little post-it notes around my apartment with quotations (mostly from this site) on to remind me to have a positive mindset.

10. Literally told myself to "calm down" during those initial panicky moments that characterised the first week or two.

11. Deleted and blocked her from facebook (as well as three mutual friends), then had a month off there before going back on when I was ready.

 

Of course, I have done other things on a larger scale, such as exercising, booking and planning future trips abroad, shopping, etc. Also, checking in on this website every day has been a godsend, as it has during my two previous breakups over the years! I've also got motivated with my dissertation which has improved my mood no end as that has been hanging over me.

 

Any other little things to add?

[cryingalways]

I think it depends on the break up. Cause if it was a nice relationship and they didn't completely screw you over you should keep little trinkets and love notes in a box. That's in that sunscreen song by Baz Lerman "Throws away bank statements but keep old love letters". Cause when you're old you might like to remember the happy times.

 

However, if they've screwed you over you probably don't want to remember those times because they're now all tainted by pain etc, so getting rid of them has more sense to it.

 

Here's some things I did that I'd do:

 

1) don't allow yourself to obsess over your ex for too long or try to figure out of they have a personality disorder.

2) look after your health- make sure you eat proper meals-if this is hard, make a list for yourself to stick to.

3) start a new project and plan it-creative, scientific, mathematical! Whatever, just start a new exciting project and go out and make it happen

4)get some new clothes / new haircut

5) avoid where they live/you hung out, for as long as it takes for you to not find it upsetting. Maybe move house to a different area if you can, preferably by the sea!

6)go running or do any exercise whatsoever. If this seems to hard some days, take 5htp which will elevate your mood as naturally as running does.

7)socialise. meet new people and don't talk to them entirely about your ex.

8) don't spend all your evenings getting drunk forever. obviously you will have some nights like this, but try not to over do it. And if you must-drink gin. Gin is an uplifting alcohol in comparison to beer and wine. It won't make you as sad

9)change your phone ring/text noise.

 

 

I reckon that's a good portion of stuff that helped me.

 

Oh...and go on this site when you're really low and need some advice from people who've all been there before

[Hoagy]

I didn't delete her number from my phone. But I did rename it "Psycho b**** from Hell" so I'd know not to answer.

[hidden_kitten]

1) deleted text threads off phone and ipod. Took about 7 attempts because I'd saved two years of messages so phone kept crashing!

 

2) made a separate folder on computer to dump photos and emails I want to keep. This will shortly be copied to disc and kept in keepsake box.

 

3)put old birthday cards and jewellery into keepsake box and buried it under other stuff so it's not easily accessible. Jewellery may be sold in near future.

 

4) threw out pointless gifts that were cluttering up space.

 

5) only left one voice mail since moving back home. A record for me!

 

6) treated myself to new lingerie which I was needing desperately!

 

7) listened to bands I had forgotten about for months.

 

8) saying yes to almost any invite from friends to get out the house

 

9) fussed over my pets!

[hidden_kitten]

10) and reading ena religiously for weeks!

[treesandbees]

I got rid of my social media accounts so I wouldn't be tempted to look, I didn't bother with quite a few common friends anymore because they talked about him constantly, too many reminders, made some new friends instead, boxed up mementos and taped box not to open again, tried hard to change my mind to other things, people, activities when ever he popped into my head, that one took the most work.

[rich46]

Good suggestions, everybody!

 

I forgot one more. I kept a journal in the first few weeks, writing in the morning and evening. It usually consisted of writing in the morning how I wanted my mindset to be for that particular day, then reflecting how it went in the evening. Eventually stopped doing it, but it was another little thing that help me get through the initial hurt.

 

I usually wrote a quote-of-the-day as well to keep in mind. My favourite was by Winston Churchill: "If you are going through hell...keep going."

[pavlo81]

5htp? What is this

[cryingalways]

Well it's pumpkin extract basically, and it works as a natural mood lift. It helped me on days where you're really really depressed and I don't likes ru depressants be side they make me feel weird. 5htp just made me feel less "weighted down". I also don't take it anymore and haven't for over a year so it's not addictive

[rich46]

Well it's pumpkin extract basically, and it works as a natural mood lift. It helped me on days where you're really really depressed and I don't likes ru depressants be side they make me feel weird. 5htp just made me feel less "weighted down". I also don't take it anymore and haven't for over a year so it's not addictive

Interesting info

 

Just thought of another one. I have got back into fitness since my break up, and bought a punch bag/boxing gloves last week, not because I am angry or anything, just as another way to keep fit and maybe release a bit of tension after a low day. Feels really good to work up a sweat! Exercise is such a good tool to aid recovery, that's for sure.

[FirstIn]

I'll add more to this later:

 

- talk very kindly and positively to myself (you can do this! you'll feel better!)

- when I want her back, I sometimes think of her doing the worst possible thing now (and then I don't want her back)

- movies and tv - it's hard to watch anything at times - but it's a form of escapism.

- talking to people - I'm an introvert - but I make sure that I start up conversations with people at work (in the past I would have not said anything and texted my ex)

- physical exercise is huge

- live with things the way they are - I left the bedroom and many other things the same for a while - so I could get used to her being gone and different

- don't let emotions dictate your actions - this is more true on a weekend - I like to stay in - so I don't make myself go out because my emotions tell me I can't deal with it at home. I don't make myself stay in for the same reason. I try to think what is it I WANT to do and do that.

 

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[Lysflower]

I have been wanting to reply to this thread for a long time so here is a non-exhaustive list of actions I have taken since the BU (10 weeks ago):

 

1. Deleted all text messages, whatsapp conversations and pictures from my phone, deleted her number, wrote it down on a piece of paper and put it away in a box

 

2. Put all her cards away in a box, binned little things she gave me but kept a nice history book she bought me

 

3. Decided to send an email 2 days after the BU as I realised there were things I had not had the chance to tell her during the BU itself because I was literally in shock and speechless. I had the email proofread by 2 friends to make sure I was not begging or being clingy / desperate / mean / disrespectful and so on. My intention was not to try and get her back but rather to release some overwhelming emotional pressure off my heart and head. I also strongly implied I didn’t want to hear from her and that I won’t contact her. I did not get a response, which I think is for the best. No regrets! But not something to do shortly after the BU if the aim is to get your ex back.

 

4. Read tons of break-up books – all of them have been written by people who went through break-ups so they know what they are talking about and it provides great comfort!

 

5. Made it clear to our mutual friend who introduced us to each other that, even though I don’t hold any grudges and hard feelings against my ex, I do not wish to talk to her, hear about her or be in her presence. Self-preservation. Period.

 

6. Reached out to my family and friends for emotional support. This was very important for me in the first days and weeks of the BU as I felt the constant need to tell and retell the whole story in order to process it and benefit from different people’s perspectives. That being said, make sure you don’t turn into a blackhole who sucks everyone’s energy!

 

7. Reassessed my friendships: tough times like these provide the perfect opportunity to figure out who you can count on and who is only around when everything is hunky dory. As a result I ditched a friend who turned out not to be that much of a friend after all, whilst strengthening ties with a close friend.

 

8. Signed up for Meetup groups, made the effort to go out and meet new people. Say yes to any invite from friends to get out of your flat/house! Being an introvert and a homebody, this was far from being easy for me.

 

9. Booked trips and weekends away with friends and family to have things to LOOK FORWARD to.

 

10. Posted on ENA everytime I felt the need to share my emotions and vent.

 

11. Went on a date 5 weeks after the BU to check how I feel. Conclusion: not interested, not bothered, not ready. I will focus on myself and activities with friends/family this summer and see how I feel in September, no rush!

 

Hope this helps!

[rich46]

This pretty much sums up everything I have done too, so good list. Thanks for posting!

 

The only thing I wish I had done was send an email in the early stages (number 2) to get things off my chest, but was too stubborn to do so after she ignored my phone call. Got to deal with the lingering feeling of unfinished business as a result, but think after two and a half months it is too late to send something like that. Rather, got to be strong and look forward instead

[Lysflower]

This pretty much sums up everything I have done too, so good list. Thanks for posting!

 

The only thing I wish I had done was send an email in the early stages (number 2) to get things off my chest, but was too stubborn to do so after she ignored my phone call. Got to deal with the lingering feeling of unfinished business as a result, but think after two and a half months it is too late to send something like that. Rather, got to be strong and look forward instead

 

I could only find two situations where writing an email as dumpee to your ex (the dumper) is justified:

- To get things off your chest without coming accross as desperate (my case, to be done in the early days and no later than 2-3 weeks after the BU IMO)

- To make it clear in a kind but firm way to your ex who persistently wants to be "friends" that you do not wish to be in touch (anytime after the BU)

 

So I think you are right, after 2-3 months any form of communication would be interpreted by your ex as an attempt to rekindle the relationship, irrespective of the actual content of the message. Another motivation not to send anything I suppose, although the urging feeling of wanting to contact my ex is far gone.