Self sabotage..

[Cocoapetal]

Hi guys

 

Im needing a bit of a sounding board here and Im hoping that you can help me.

So, Im in therapy and im also doing a lot of inner work, and volunteering..BUT as soon as I hit this groove where things are going ok, nothing dramatic is happening, things are cruising along. I act up. Things like being late for my appointments, even when I plan my time "something" just happens or I loose track of time and arrive late, Spending my therapy money, just being in a bad mood and unable to connect with others.

Today I was late for my appointment and I could see in his eyes that he was gutted, we still had half a session but, i felt terrible throughout. I kept asking myself, why? Why did I come late, I had enough time to get here early. He said it was ok and warned me not to be late again.. but I cant shake this feeling that Ive disappointed both him and myself. I don;t know, I feel so sad about this, my chest actually hurts.

 

I do this in relationships too, I like a guy until he wants to be serious and then I feel claustrophobic and I dont know how to act around him and eventually it fizzles out,.. and I tell myself he wasn't for me.

 

Im seeing a strong self sabotaging pattern here,... its like there;s this push and pull on the inside of me.

This part of me thats adult, grown up, high energy, loves people, wanting to achieve and then this part that is soo moody, dark, depressed, doesnt care about anyone, acting out, being irresponsible, fearful . I thought that by quitting smoking years ago and not being in a relationship that I was taking time out to grow up and heal,.. but im starting to feel like the healing I need may come from interacting and connecting with people and actually letting them see me even in my darkness.

 

Maybe people are the mirror I need. I need people in my life who will nurture me without taking any BS or excuses from me, who will demand my best self because they see her,.. maybe even more clearly than I do.

 

Someone hinted to me at inner child issues,. and I agree with them,. but HOW do I even start.

Im feeling.....sad, angry, wanting a hug, but I know this will pass, Ill be back to myself soon. I just need to make sure Im not hurting others by my behaviours. I sometimes forget that I can have any sort of an impact on anyone.. good or bad. I see myself as weightless.. and this is not true.

 

Maybe cause I'm home alone and I dont want to be.... I crave connection... strange for me.

 

 

Advice?..... Feedback?.....Similar stories..?

 

Mucho Hugs

xx

[Unreasonable]

I'm confused - your therapist was gutted because you were late for an appointment?

[Cocoapetal]

Maybe not gutted,... but I felt like he was dissappointed with me.

[Unreasonable]

Hmmm, well, I can't say that he wasn't, since I don't know the guy, but it seems like maybe you are projecting your own disappointment? Having patients flake out is an everyday part of his job most likely. Which is why there are such thing as late fees which I have had to pay on more than one occasion. I mean, yeah, you shouldn't make it a habit to be late for appointments, and doctors will drop people that are chronically late/no show, but that's usually for business reasons and not because they're personally hurt. I think you labeling this as self-sabotage is a bit much. Everybody shows up late to things sometimes, especially for things in which they are the customer. And how many times have you gone to the doctors appointment and waited, and waited, and waited, for them? It happens. Don't be so hard on yourself.

[catfeeder]

You're doing some productive thinking, and it's especially good to write it out.

 

Maybe people are the mirror I need. I need people in my life who will nurture me without taking any BS or excuses from me, who will demand my best self because they see her,.. maybe even more clearly than I do.

 

This is a tall order. Given that most people are not inclined to play therapist with others, nobody really CAN nurture you if you serve them BS and excuses--because by definition, not putting up with that stuff means they'll just give you the boot.

 

Healthy people won't boot you with any of the drama that saboteurs seek to create, because by definition, healthy people can recognize acting out for what it is, and they'll just shut you down, walk away and never seek to pursue closeness with you in the first place.

 

So I'd give up any fantasies about the fad term 'unconditional love,' because holding expectations of that is a trap. Truly healthy people will not stick around long enough to bust you on your BS if you serve them drama.

 

So your options are to keep the BS as a barrier between you and forming lasting friendships and romantic relationships, of to ditch that stuff and hold your SELF accountable. To yourself. This isn't done by screwing up and then berating yourself for it. It's done by making a decision to reach specific goals, then coming up with small rewards that you give to yourself for each small step you make in the right direction.

 

Someone hinted to me at inner child issues,. and I agree with them,. but HOW do I even start.

 

I found it helpful to use the idea of my adult self as a kind and encouraging mentor and coach to my 'child' self. Not only does this work to hold myself accountable as described above, but it enables me to offer kindness, insight and forgiveness to my past self rather than playing out some critical judge and jury in my head.

 

As I explored all the mistakes I've made while growing through my most difficult times, I was able to observe all the emotions and shame this brought up, and it positioned me to offer my Self the exact kind of nurturing that I wished would come from others.

 

We are the only ones who can't walk away from our own BS and excuses. Nobody else needs to tolerate that stuff from us, but we're stuck with the consequences of our own attitudes and behaviors. So by adopting two roles--the adult mentor and the BS child, we gain insight into our past and our present, and we can use our highest intelligence to mentor ourselves into a better future.

 

Reflection helps. Writing helps. One of the biggest rewards of breaking the habit of a critical voice and learning to approach your Self and your past with honesty and kindness is that this will build within you an empathy that automatically transfers to others--and you will become a kinder, more welcoming and forgiving person to others.

 

This could eventually help to resolve some of your relationship issues by default.

 

Head high.

[Cocoapetal]

Thanks for your responses,

Catfeeder, i totally agree with you that a healthy person wont play therapist with someone who serves them Bs. Even i cant give "unconditional lOVe" in all my relationships, its always action and reaction, cause and effect. Ive had time to think between writing that post and today, and ive cooled off a bit. Self accountability, small and simple steps, self nurture and kindness is definitely the way forward as you have suggested. Im reading some of NATHANIEL Branden's work again..to re-remind myself.

i remember telling someone on here that creating a home inside yourself is the one of the foundations for self healing/growth.i think i need to take my own advice.

 

Im going through a weird patch with therapy in general at the moment.

I have my ongoing therapist(talk therapy), our sessions are open ended and we havent discussed termination. i got involved with a life coach ( whose session I was late for in the above post), who offered to work with me for 4 sessions on my career/business/personal goals and drawing up a plan of action for each of these areas of my life. Ive been "frozen " and afraid of taking any steps for the last few years, so this was very exciting for me. I discussed this with my ongoing therapist and they both know about each other so there are no secrets.

With my therapist, I vent, we talk, I go home and I read/journal and come back and sound things out with him, we meet twice a month and so far he;s been a rock, as ive opened up about a lot of issues. I did ask him a few months ago, that where do we go from talking about things (e.g my fears around vulnerability, intimacy, opening up, embracing my feminity, emotional stability) to me actually taking steps and moving on, he said "it'll come in time"...

With the life coach, I feel him pushing me forward, gently but firmly and very quickly we have identified that I havent taken any concrete steps because I actually dont know how to in some areas and because I am "emotionally stuck" and lack vision, so he reccomends a few books for me, sets me tasks and exercises and we identified my key values and the inner child blocks that I mentioned in above post.

Im finding that I am not as emotionally invested in my therapy anymore, Im enjoying the life coaching better. Its changed my focus from the past to what I can do Here and now.

I enjoy the exercises, and the feeling of my boundaries being pushed and taking new steps. When I started therapy, I was terrified of letting anyone close, I hadn't journalled in years, I was at my wits end, completely lost. My therapist and I have talked through that and I have done hours of reading and journalling and I am getting better in some respects, I am less tense, and more open.,and there is still room to grow, I have allowed Him in which for me is a huge achievement. ... but I feel like my therapeautic needs are changing.

He said at our last session " I dont know, I feel a disconnect here" and all throughout the session, we couldn't click as we used to.. I kinda felt like we were clashing a little bit,.. not arguing, but... he said " I sense that things are going well for you".. and I said "yes"... I dont know if that was a good or bad observation on his part, it sounded kinda open ended. I left feeling like me having more clarity in my life/career/about self has changed the dynamics of my relationship with my therapist ..and not for the better. He told me to slow down on my new activities,....I appreciate how far we have come but Im questioning whether we can grow beyond this point?

 

Would it be fair to say that my time with this therapist may be coming to a close ? I have two more sessions with the coach and then im done. Even then, Im thinking of discontinuing with the talk therapy in a few months, im finding that we are talking about the same things over and over again .,. He feels like the distant father figure who wont tell me what to do but cheers from the sideline, which has worked so far. I wont say that I wont ever go back into therapy, but I feel like i dont want to keep wallowing in my past with no resolution, I want to move forward now,... I feel bad because I like my therapist and we have formed a bond,... but this has been playing in my head since last week. ill appreciate your advice.

CP.

[Pixels]

Nobody here can assess this situation any better than you can. If you're really concerned, express this to your therapist and hear him out. He may have reasons for not pushing you as hard as your life coach is. Or he may just be weak/inexperienced at implementing a more active approach... Psychology and therapy isn't a science, after all... It has basis in scientific research, and bases its methods off evidence and experimental trials, but the actual assessment and implementation can vary between practitioners quite significantly.

 

I have self-sabotaging patterns, and a history of childhood trauma. Currently the stage of treatment I'm in involves self-awareness and learning how to diffuse myself in volatile moments, and grounding myself to develop psychological safety so I have adequate ground-work laid down to start developing the skills I need to learn.

 

Specific to sabotaging behaviour, for me at least, it's being treated as a consequence of learned protective behaviours that are persisting after the trauma and are now developing into harmful habits.

[catfeeder]

How long have you worked with this therapist?

 

You've cast him into the distant father role, which is called transference--and it's good.

 

The fact that you've reached a certain level of discomfort with the therapist can also be good--read up on transference.

 

I think you realise that therapy and coaching are not the same, they are not supposed to be, and the fact that you're tapping some discord with the therapist may signal that this may NOT be the time to postpone the sessions, but rather to lean into the discomfort.

 

Don't begin to tiptoe around the therapist, and don't try to seek his approval. If he's smart, he's picked up on the transference and will withhold the approval you always sought from your Dad--which is what may have gotten you stuck.

 

It's a parent's job to give us both roots and wings--and the roots are rarely the problem. We must learn how to operate independently regardless of parental approval, and if we can't do that, we get stuck. Have you noticed?

 

So your coach should be inspiring you to set your own course without setting it FOR you. Your coach can hold you accountable to what YOU state as your goals and objectives and can teach you ways to do this for yourself going forward.

 

Meanwhile your 'rock' of a therapist can help you to uncover and observe and work through all of the discomfort that this may raise--even while he may appear to BE the source of your discomfort.

 

All of this can either work togeher, or not--and the question of how long you've been with this therapist is a key issue.

[Cocoapetal]

Thanks Catfeeder and Pixels for you ever insightful answers.

 

I have decided to bring this up with him,, its therapy after all,. and Yes, Catfeeder there is transference going on here, I never knew that it was,but I have told him that he is to me a father figure. Pixels,I hear you about the "learned protective behaviours" a lot of the issues I am dealing with now is to do with the ways I learnt to survive that worked then, but are detrimental to me now.I hope that you are finding your therapy helpful..

I had a scary/semi erotic dream a few days before our last session that a big tall 8 foot ish man grabbed me by the neck and lifted me off the ground, I was chocking and shocked, and kept saying to him" you're meant to be my dad". there was a large glass window next to us and i I saw us reflected in the glass window, myself in his grip, writhing and my feet were dangling off the floor. he then pressed me against the window and pushed his thumb in my mouth. while I cried... then I woke up.

I thought of my actual dad and my therapist. I felt more strongly that the dream was to do with my therapist than my biological father , I have been unable to shake this feeling that theres something around the corner with my therapist....

I like the roots and wings analogy, I guess in all of this there is a part of me that doesnt want to rock the boat , I remember feeling like i was "cheating" on him with my life coach and almost wanted to back out,. but I didnt. Therapy has been "nice",comfortable,.I feel like I go there and he metaphorically pats me on the back and mirrors me, theres no shift. The back patting worked at one point but isnt for me anymore. My life coach points out my blind spots and tells me what to read and HE reccomends that i work with a therapist to overcome the emotional barriers .

Ive been with said therapist 8 months now, i ill definitely have to bring up these issues with him when we next meet....I wont be able to be "things as usual" with him if this is playing on my mind.

[Cocoapetal]

Forgive me for posting twice, i just need to lay this all out.

 

I remember about 3 months into our therapy, he asked if i could put aside my want for a relationship for now,. and i lied and said yes.. two weeks later, i was on a date kissing a guy i just met. the relationship didnt work out, it didnt even start,. but i only told him AFTER everything,. not during.

After this, he asked me if there was any element of a relationship in our therapy for me. and i said, in terms of sharing and being emotionally vulnerable,. i was the most open and vulnurable with him, but otherwise no, I felt uncomforatble at that point and steered the conversation away. That moment still plays on my mind form time to time,.

 

Our last session, I was going for a date afterwards,. with another guy, and we had met for dinner a week before this session, and I couldnt get myself to tell him that I was seeing someone and i was going on a date a couple of hours after our session.

I dont know why But I was afraid of his reaction..

Im scared if i look too hard I might see something here that \ I dont want to see or want to be true..

DO i need to stay small to please therapist? Am I meant to please therapist at all?Isnt therapy about growth and progression?.. crap. What have I gotten into?

[Pixels]

I'd take dreams with a grain of salt... No training or qualification, but transferring insights I've received before... I think it's important that the circumstance you fabricated in the dream was one where you had no power or control... I only say take it with a grain of salt because something that abstract is so easy to get carried away with... Especially with how many bogus interpreters there are... However, if you have a strong gut feeling, maybe it's justified...

 

Therapy is a bizarre social situation... I assure you that your therapist expects nothing of you, except that you pay when the time comes, and if you're good you'll make an honest effort to progress and work with him, instead of against him... Think about how many people he must see in a week... How many transient patients he goes through, how many long-term... men, women, married and single people he deals with on an hourly basis... There has to be a healthy emotional distance/disconnect, for the sake of you both... I'm sure that's part of what qualifies him as a professional, hard as the concept might be to relate to...

 

I sort of find it odd that you've never opened up to someone the same way you have your therapist though... Personally I've opened up in any relationship I took seriously, because all that is part of what shapes me into me, and hey, relationships inherently require vulnerability so at some point you have to embrace it... If you aren't comfortable being emotionally vulnerable with a partner, is it reasonable to accept a deeply intimate physical vulnerability? Or lifestyle vulnerability (if your relationship grows to that point)? Not that I've never been liberal with the whole smoochy-fun-time thing, but there's a pretty big difference between accepting someone "here and now" and being able to let yourself embrace something more significant with every flaw, fault, resentment, weakness, and scars you both bring to the table, and then walking away closer instead of divided despite it....

[Cocoapetal]

Hi Pixels,

About the vulnerability issue, Its been a huge deal for me. Ive been the type of person who can talk about things without "feeling" them or reacting emotionally appropriately at the time... Ive always analysed first and weeks down the line, I would start feeling. Ive had relationships in the past where we have been physically and emotionally intimate,. but I always maintained a bit of a barrier.. not because i wanted to,. but because of fear.

When I started therapy, I was at a point where I was starting to feel again,. My tears were flowing again, I was feeling after being emotionally shut down for a long time. It was a combination of me Wanting to feel and wanting to awaken and wanting to get better and then later on,therapy gave me a safe place to "practice" openness. I felt like I could be open with therapist, then I can be open with others outside therapy...

Im sure the situation will resolve itself, I felt like shutting the whole thing down in case it was heading for a bust up, but Id stay open and see what happens. I trust that I would be able to handle whatever happens here.

[Pixels]

If your therapist is qualified I'm sure they know what they're doing, and probably sense the issue even if they aren't aware of the full scope... Of course you can't accept their opinion as blind fact if you disagree with it...

 

It unnerves me though that you still refer to him as "therapist" instead of "my therapist".... You almost give him an omnipresent entity of superiority, like a role of higher-importance... That might be more of a personal discomfort or language barrier though... After all, I don't know where you're really from....

 

You're right though, the situation will resolve itself one way or another... I think the lesson you take here is that you have control over this situation... It's not just a player of an emotional cascade... You have full control over your course of treatment and comfort.

 

So... Bit hard to comment on, but I don't think you're on a negative path... For what that's worth.