placeboLDR Posted June 5, 2015 Share Posted June 5, 2015 My GF and I have been dating for a little over a year, the past four months in an LDR. She took a job overseas and I was supposed to go with her at the outset, but our landlord wouldn't let us out of our lease. No biggie, it's only four months, we've got this. Started off as expected; lots of communication right away, which slowly tapered off after a few weeks which I attribute to her settling into her job and new environment. Unfortunately, the distance and one-sided communication triggered some deep-seated abandonment issues and I freaked out about it. A trip to visit her had already been planned and on my arrival, it was if nothing had changed. The spark was still there. We parted ways with a plan; with only one month left on our lease and two months left on her contract, I would finally leave the job I loathed, move down there with her to work on our own business, get healthy, etc. We say our I love yous and I return home. Lots of talk for two weeks or so about the business, marriage (she emailed me pictures of dresses, rings, venues), when to start having kids... but then it's almost as if a switch had been flipped. She extended her contract four more months. She becomes distant again, and again, I freak out. In addition to the abandonment, I've also given notice to work and I've started packing already. I'm left with a diet of text breadcrumbs and when we do talk on the phone once a week, the conversations are really heavy, mostly because I haven't been getting what I need (I need affirmation). Any talk of the plan to move is heard, but tabled for a later dialogue. Fast forward to this past week, and I have another job opportunity that I'm considering taking, but still haven't heard anything about our plan, so I wrote her a message saying that I needed an answer because I couldn't keep this new opportunity on hold. She said that she has some very real concerns that we'd need to discuss before committing to that kind of move. She also said that she felt like that this was saying this is it, but she wasn't ready to end it and she still loves me. Would've been great to know that before I gave up the apartment and even better if we had been talking about her concerns as they arose. No contact from either side since Monday. I'm not blind. I can read the writing on the wall. Trouble is she's coming home to visit next week. We have a meeting with potential business partners and then we're supposed to go on her family's annual trip. It's a big one; aunts, uncles, parents, siblings, nieces, nephews, etc. I feel like if I do go, it'll only be to placate her, and my presence there would be under quasi-false pretenses (her family is great, though!). If I don't go, it'll probably ruin any chance I have for future reconciliation, which at this point, I still want. What do you think? Should I go on this trip, try to have the best time possible and leave this relationship on a "high" note or should I find a way to politely excuse myself from attending and the potential emotional embarrassment? Link to comment
kbbcoop77 Posted June 5, 2015 Share Posted June 5, 2015 "" She also said that she felt like that this was saying this is it, but she wasn't ready to end it and she still loves me. "" Yikes this is a huge admission and a giant red flag. I would insist on having the "talk" before the trip with her family to figure if you two are on the same page. She could be using you for comfort on the trip and waiting to drop the hammer afterwards..sounds precarious..good luck Link to comment
Andrina Posted June 5, 2015 Share Posted June 5, 2015 If my partner wasn't 100 percent confident of progressing in the relationship like this, then I'd take the job offer and break it off. It's not about what she wants, continuing long distance. It's about what you want, and I can see it's to live with each other and build a life together that includes marriage. If you stay attached to her under her terms, you're sacrificing your own needs for someone who can't see a future with you right now. I'd hold out for a woman who is just as into you as you are with her. No, I wouldn't waste my precious time on a vacation where my partner wasn't crazy in love with me. Link to comment
Clinton Posted June 5, 2015 Share Posted June 5, 2015 Dont go on the trip. She just doesn't want to have to explain that it's done to her family so it's easier to have you along. Do you see any real long term future here. Do you see yourselves in the same city in the near future. It seems at least she doesn't. Loves not everything and it doesn't seem like what you want is matching up. Link to comment
Man with Dog Posted June 5, 2015 Share Posted June 5, 2015 I'd clarify the situation before going on the trip. If things are up in the air, set a time limit of 2 or 3 months, after which you will take a "maybe" as a no. Link to comment
placeboLDR Posted June 5, 2015 Author Share Posted June 5, 2015 One way or the other, it's ending next week. I told her that I couldn't take four more months of this before she extended her stay which is when we formulated our plan for me to join her. Part of me just wants to go have one an encore before the curtain closes. Link to comment
Clinton Posted June 5, 2015 Share Posted June 5, 2015 Yeah, about that. The one more encore never ends well. If you really think it's over, end it on a classy note. Wish her well and send her on her way. Link to comment
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