Help! How long do you wait for a response?

[akrngrl]

Sorry for the double post -_-. I have a question thought that I feel like I should know the answer to, but really in all honesty have no idea what to do.

 

Cliff note version: Had a great initial date with a guy and we set a second for this past Sunday. Drove all the way to him and had a wonderful time. The "just got home" text at the end of the night was super shady and I got worried I wouldn't hear from him again. Didn't hear from him all day yesterday, when prior to the Sunday date we at least "checked in" (that sounds weird, but I don't know what else to call a small amount of texts back and forth) daily. Thanks to everyone here, largely I was told not to write him off quite yet. He did text me today at 12:53. Said "Hey pretty girl, I just landed home in ______ (a state or two south of us), but you came to mind. I want to see you when I get back."

 

I was in a particularly long meeting at work and texted him once I got out, unfortunately two hours later saying "Hey there! Sorry, just got out of a three hour meeting. Oh cool! I'd like that, when are you due back?" I get that he's busy and doing stuff, but it's now 7:10 pm and I still haven't heard from him, four hours later.

 

Still not a huge deal, a little unnerving, but he's away. The problem is that a new guy that I exchanged a few messages with on the dating site asked me to meet up in DC with him this weekend (he's from Maryland). Granted, current guy didn't set a date or time, just when he got back, but my job only affords me to take treks out that way on the weekends so that's when it would really have to be.

 

I know if it were your girlfriends or friends in general, if plans came along you make them and tell the poor 'fella "sorry, ya snooze ya lose", but what is protocol on going on a date with a different person?

 

It would be really great if I could just go both Saturday AND Sunday, but my car lately has been giving me some trouble and the mechanic last week said I REALLY need to be looking at some new tires, which I can't get for another two weeks so I'm very hesitant about taking that trek out there twice in one weekend.

 

Should I set a time limit on how much longer I'm willing to wait for a text back? How long would that be? Should I just go ahead and accept the new date because it was offered and just tell third date guy I'm busy even though I'd rather go out with him? I'm still getting used to the dating multiple people, it feels awful honestly, like I'm being sneaky and doing a disservice. I know though that being crushed when something ends is 200x worse.

[faraday]

Maybe you shouldn't encourage men to come to you? I always asked that first meets meet in my hood- 97% of men obliged. Problem solved- you can meet all the men!!

[akrngrl]

faraday, I wish I could honestly, but I am out in the boonies, where there is literally nothing to do except go to Target, go on a walk and then stop by a Chipotle for dinner. The rest of the time is "Hey let's watch a movie" which never ends up in actually watching a movie and I don't want to put myself in that position. The guy that asked me on the new date, doesn't actually have a car (living in Maryland, I don't know how, but it is what it is) so I'm guessing the furthest he could get was DC (half an hour from him and an hour and a half away from me).

 

The other guy, the one I like lives in DC, and it's just refreshing to see people my age walking around doing things. I'm new to the state and they left out how impoverished the area I moved to was, but I needed the job. I'm looking to move further east towards DC so I usually chalk it up as looking at potential places when I drive out there and checking out areas so I don't end up in the same position I am in now.

 

The guy I like did meet me half way for our first date and then Sunday there was a convention in DC we went to so I had to go there. He refused to let me pay for anything and told me to come as early as possible so we could spend the whole day together since I was driving so far. I wouldn't hate having him come by me once, but I would rather it be when things are more "established" between us.

[Hollyj]

How can you have a relationship if they're so far away. You need to look at this for the long-term. This can be a big issue.

[akrngrl]

Hollyj, Maryland is a bit further than I'd like, but like I said I've applied to as many places out there as I could, and even if I don't get another job I'd probably try to move to the east side of where I work (I'd be closer anyway). The guy I currently like had said in the second message we had on the dating site that it was far, but if we hit it off we could make it work. Realistically if it did work, I'd just make the trip to them whenever possible (so far I'm having once a week dates, which given the distance I think is pretty good). I can't stress enough how backwards the area I live in is (I found out at work that like 40% of the families in the area are...intertwined for lack of a better word and not to TMI all over everyone), there's a huge drug problem and in general mostly everyone lives in severe poverty. Also, there are zero quality men here

[faraday]

Yeah...rule out the guy without the car...and seriously, you have to take turns with driving- so get used to chipotles.

 

It might be time to look into a longer commute or a new job so that you can live closer to a city.

 

You're right not to invite men to your house before you're comfortable.

[akrngrl]

faraday, haha I laughed at that first line. You are so right. I guess it's more of a comfort thing when I first meet guys. I'm not terribly great at planning and I feel like I've always come off as boring when a guy has come here because there really isn't anything to do/ the things to do not appeal in any way to men that live in the city. In DC they have tons of little places to eat and places to go, and the shopping! ugh I forgot how much I missed the stores!

 

Yeah I've applied all over that general vicinity and I'm keeping my fingers crossed. I don't know if it sounds too available or not, but I work in a school and summer starts next week so I'm literally free all the time and mostly I would sit in my apartment and run my handmade business or whatnot, but as far as going out, I probably really wouldn't. I guess that's why I don't mind driving there (my mom hates it too that I waste my gas and put all that milage on my car, but I sorta feel like I don't have any other option until I'm "exclusive" with them and then obviously I wouldn't care that "watching a movie" wasn't really watching a movie if they came over here haha)

[Hollyj]

I brought it up, as it was an issue in my last relationship. He was about an hour away. You also should not be in the position of always going to them, it can lead to an uneven dynamic.

 

I hope you will be moving soon.

[akrngrl]

I can definitely see how that would be an issue. I think I'm very adamant about going there in the beginning just to be out of the apartment and out of my area and we can do things. If it were to progress to an actual relationship I'm sure I'd be like "Hey come spend the weekend here, we're going to be couch potatoes all weekend" haha. I just don't want to do that prematurely and I don't want to risk coming accross as boring. We have one town bar a little north of me that still allows smoking indoors and the patrons are...less than stellar. I'm pretty easy going for myself and don't mind sitting around for now because I have enough hobbies and work to keep me busy, but I'm not sure I want to shell shock a new guy to where I live just yet. Especially this third date guy, he is handsy by nature (touching your arm and your leg and your back during conversation) we had one movie on in between waiting to go to dinner and five minutes in he was kissing me on his couch. Not entirely unwelcome, but it could have easily progressed to much more, but I kept stopping his hands and whatnot. Kudos for trying bud, but you're not going to get the goods all at once.

[Hollyj]

How about outdoor activities. Hiking, kayaking and picnics are terrific!!!

 

I don't think I would be going to the local bar. How about meeting halfway?

 

Sounds like 'hands' just wants a piece of a$$. Not respectful behavior

[elle12]

If you're not exclusive with the first guy there's no reason you can't meet up with the other guy!

(I'm playing the dating a guy who lives in Virginia while living in Maryland game and the best way to make it work really is just to meet in DC most of the time, by the way - have fun!)

[akrngrl]

The last one sounds great! haha, I'm not in any way an outdoorsy type and I would end up looking tragic if I tried hiking or kayaking, but they do sound fun.

I might suggest a halfway meet if he ever responds to me. Still nothing and I hate to be a brat, but it's been six hours and I'm like "I KNOW you must have looked at your phone in six hours". Maybe he meant it as more of a statement and he can't have a conversation now and will just get back to me when he gets back, but my aloof confidence is wavering. I thought for awhile that maybe he didn't mean to text it to me, but then realized the only time I've accidentally texted someone was when I was having a convo with them and someone else at the same time.

 

Oh goodness I hope not I'm keeping my ears perched for red flags. He's 33 and was mostly a gentleman on the date (opening doors, the car door on my side, refusing to let me pay for anything EVER because that's how he was raised). My other post touched on that. I'm really hoping that he would have already bailed if he wanted sex and didn't get it (wishful thinking I know). Maybe it's naive of me to think that someone that's his age and says they want a relationship long term should actually mean what they say.

 

I called him out on it on our date. In an effort to be *less* prude (maybe it was wrong) I let his hand wander on my back, he went under the shirt and I moved, but then was like "okay as long as he doesn't go for the front" so I ended up getting a semi back massage. He was also all into kissing the top of my hand (that's a new one), but I stopped him from everything else. Hence why I want to stay out of the home setting, because he's no where near that physical if we're going to a museum or something (just the typical nudging or the hand on the knee if we're sitting and talking). He mentioned some 5 languages of love test he took and that he was touch, I believe it.

[faraday]

I would be wary of a man that touched me that much on a first meet...it's over familiar...and really odd.

[Hollyj]

Was too much. This guy is looking for sex.

 

If he respects you, he will do no more than hold you hand and give you a kiss at the end of the evening. He should not be putting his hands under your clothes, nor touching you legs. Boundaries, girl!!!

[Hollyj]

I would be wary of a man that touched me that much on a first meet...it's over familiar...and really odd.

 

Yes. Also hate men that I am not close to, thinking they can call me babe and hun. I shut them out real quick. Ick!

[akrngrl]

Drat, I'm doing it wrong again! I feel like I'm either too prude and people tell me I should have loosened up sooner (not as in sex, but general holding/cuddling/touching) or I give off the wrong impression and now he's going to expect sex. Should I just bail since I suppose I accidentally sent the "time before sex" clock in motion or is there anything I can do? I feel like it never would have happened if we didn't have that lull in between the event and dinner.

 

I just don't want everything to be about pushing boundaries and that's why he wants to see me again. I feel like that shouldn't be the behavior of man in his early to mid thirties, like, come on man, get your sh*t together! I'm also new to the notion of people just wanting to have sex with me. Back home people definitely liked me for my personality first and my looks second (I feel like it was almost an afterthought) so if any past boyfriends did want to have sex with me it was because they really really liked me. Now it seems to have switched since I've moved and I constantly forget that I can now easily be "the lady they wanted for her body and nothing else".

[Hollyj]

Why are you blaming yourself. This guy, is who he is. He's not the last guy on the planet.

 

Men will always push the boundaries if they do not respect women, and only want sex. This isn't about you.

 

I think your only error, is who you are choosing to date. I think you are ignoring red flags. This behavior should be unacceptable, and you see the guy as a user, not make this about you, and any inadequacies you think you may have.. If there is a desperation to find a partner, you will make poor choices, you will also attract creeps.

 

.Try and meet people through common interests: classes, meet ups, dancing volunteering etc....

[faraday]

^^^Filtering is huge.

 

When we're in a tough place (emotionally or self esteem wise), we tend to find more acceptable because we like the attention, and we don't want to void another potential partner.

 

The thing is, these unsuitable dates detract from potential good ones. We spend our time with bad matches, and we don't have any time or mental headspace/emotions for the good ones. And the not so great partners put little dings in our shiny self esteem....the bad relationships actually drive our self esteem into a wall.

 

A good guy is not going to be rubbing under your clothing on a first date. He knows it's not appropriate- and that a woman with proper boundaries will kick him to the curb for that.

 

The reason it's not appropriate? A quality guy who is into you will be trying to get to know you to determine if you're the type of woman he wants to be with. He's evaluating you just as much as you are him. He's not wh0ring around, and he doesn't want to with a woman that does either. I'm not talking about becoming a prude. I'm talking about getting to know someone before becoming physically intimate with them.

 

Guys that are gropey on first dates, tend to....not stick around. He's not trying to get to know YOU. He's trying to see how far he can take this before you'll say no.

 

Does anyone know where that first date deal break thread went? Maybe it was turn offs for a first date or something? Because that would be a good thread for the OP to read through...

[akrngrl]

I get what you're saying. It doesn't really make that much of a difference because he still shouldn't have been doing it, but the first date we met someplace neutral and just hit it off talking and telling stories. No kissing, though he did tap my leg when he was talking to me (kind of like when you're trying to get someone's attention) and he did give me a hug hello and goodby. The kissing was all on the second date (as was arm nudging at the festival because we kept bumping into each other). Not that I'm entirely blaming myself, but I guess I'm thinking "well what did you expect going back to his apartment to relax a little before dinner?" I should have probably told him we should stay out, but at the time I was thinking since he insisted on footing the bill for everything, I didn't want to be all "take me here!" We had already been to brunch, the festival and then we were going out for dinner and drinks, it just seemed like a lot (but we were having fun and he had specifically told me to come early so he felt better about me driving out there).

 

I know words are just words, but he's a cop and a few nights before was on a sexual abuse case and he just kinda dumped on me that it broke his heart and he couldn't stand seeing these types of things. Not that that's anything like a hand up the back of your shirt, but I guess it made me more relaxed that he wasn't a total jerk.

 

I guess I let it go too because he did stop once I said "stop" (they don't take the *hint* well and you just have to be upfront I suppose). I had jokingly told him that I would bring out the big guns if he took it too far and he responded with something like "no need for that, just tell me to stop. I am a guy, but I'm a gentleman, I just need to be told once."

[akrngrl]

Sort of off topic from where this thread went, but I still haven't heard from him. I periodically checked the online dating site we're on and he hasn't been on in over 24 hours (he's not on a ton anyway though) so it's a little reassuring. my mom thinks that maybe he'll just contact me when he gets back, but I don't understand why he couldn't just let me know what day he comes home. She thinks that maybe he assumes it would lead to trying to make plans and he just left t as a statement that he wanted to see me and that he'll contact me to make plans when he's back. I'm trying not to be disappointed, but I feel like "I asked a question, he should answer" it's not like I want to shoot the breeze with him.

[missmarple]

I wouldn't wait any longer...but if you REALLY want to see him and hope he will get back to you, do you have to make plans with the other guy for this weekend?

[Hollyj]

You haven't heard a word we've said. UGH!